I've been having some of the lines pop up in my head when I'm riding the bus around campus and walking to and from classes. I tried to put the lines into a cohesive poem, but maybe I haven't fulfilled that. 

The context of the piece has to do with a recently split relationship. Whether the relationship is a friendship, partnership between two humans or even a relationship with an inanimate object, there is a period of time after in which life just seems dull. This is my interpretation of that period. 

My hand is devoid of feelings, Soon my heart will be devoid, It'd be a fallacy to believe it is medical.

Of all the possibilities, for my choice of words, and tone of voice, the result I chose, made you walk through the door.

The fingers yearn, yearn to be touched, yearn to be intertwined, yearn to feel.

Living has dulled, beauty has faded, the bliss of the baroque has escaped.

Darkness engulfs, engulfs my eyesight, engulfs my hearing.

I am nothing, hiding from others, by my own senses.

*DISCLAIMER-- I have not been in a threesome, so all information below is information that was either observed, researched or common knowledge. *

Recently, I was cordially invited to be a part of a threesome, as someone who rarely has sex and feels quite inadequate at the task, I asked which kind of threesome would it be. There are multiple different threesome types. And there are arranged as such:

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Name* # of Girls # of Guys Abbreviation Slumber Party 3 0 FFF Typical 2 1 MFF 2-Prong 1 2 MMF Sausage Party 0 3 MMM

*Names aren't accurate

She responded that it would be a 2-Prong threesome and required that I would have to find another willing male to join in on it. Firstly, I had yet to accept or decline the offer, and yet, she expected me to find someone that I would be comfortable with showing off my junk and seeing their junk as well. Secondly, what kind of question is that for me to ask another male? Do I just go up to another male and ask, "Hey man, uh, so this girl wants to have a threesome. Would you like to be our third string?" Any guy, that I could think of, would be immediately turned off and reject that offer; therefore, my response to her cordial invitation was a no-no. 

So, you're probably wondering, "Why would I do if someone were to ask me for a threesome?" Well, that really depends on you. Depending on which type of threesome it is, all types are stated above, you could be into it, or you could not be into it. Also depending on what others might think, others can try to influence you. For instance, my friends were stating that "If the girl was hot enough no matter what, I would do a MMF threesome." But then again, those are other people and not you. So, just do you. 

Remember, that a threesome does entail sexual confrontation with others and therefore there are some safety precautions that you may want to follow, so always come prepared for anything. Here is a list of items that I'd suggest bringing just in case.

Condoms - Probably don't want to get pregnant or catch STDs

Towels - Any sexual contact is messy and therefore needs to be cleaned up

If no towels are available, paper towels are a second best

Lubrication - In any threesome, there will be some penetration and it may be hard to get into some crevices, so lube up to smoothe your entry

Music - Most people are not suave and therefore can't set the mood, bring some nice music such as Air Supply, Chicago, or INXS for some nice relaxing catchy mood music

Pineapple - Digesting pineapple has been rumored to make the genital excrement taste better, so eat this before you go.

Protein Shake/Bar - Sexual contact could make you feel fatigued, bring a refresher for yourself and your partner

Alcohol/Smokes - Some people like to try to wash away the sexual contact by drinking alcohol to forget the experience or smokes in order to calm themselves down.

Whiteboard - Some positions are unknown to others and so having a whiteboard can really help illustrate how the positions are supposed to be

Watch - Time yourself to see how long you can last

Smart Phone - You're most likely going to have to UBER out of there and therefore bring your smart phone.

Those are a list of things that I'd suggest you bring. Some of the items on the list are impractical, but they could always help! 

If I found true love, but I would have to be terminally ill to do so, what would my emotions be? 

I have thought about this constantly. If only true love were to appear to me if I were to become terminally ill, it would drastically change my thinking on the subject. I have written about true love before with the main subject always being that there is always something that is lost when the love is found. If the part that is lost once the love is found was my life then how would I feel?

I have been trying to come up with multiple diseases that would end up killing me in the end, but for each that I've written out, I have yet to choose one that I really enjoy. The following table consists of my thinking process as to which debilitating/terminal illness that I've thought about. 

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Illness My Love Pros Cons Emotions AIDS/HIV HIV Survivor/Someone not willing to be sexual Can infect anyone I dislike Watch as my body wittles away to nothingness Emotional Bipolar Disorder/Mood Swings Flesh-Eating Bacteria Someone that sees through the outside looks/blind person/online person Never really have to meet in person Never meet them, hard to look good again Poor - I no longer look normal/Can play monsters in horror movies Never-Ending Comatose Imaginary Could be whatever I want to be Wouldn't know if it's real or not Lucid Dream/ Possibly never waking - No new memories of living Syphallis - Stage 3 Sexual Partner (Although they might've left) Could say that I've had sex Bodily function shutting down/Living off of machines Died by not being protected with sexual partner (easily could've protected myself) Terminal Flu Anyone Possibly hangout outside the hospital until separation by death Died by Simple Disease False sense of hope of possible survival/leaving known person depressed.

I took cancer off of the list because it is overplayed through the main stream media and in many Romantic movies/television shows of the twenty-first century. Many of the emotions that I've listed in the above table could be the exactly the same for each disease. For example, the false sense of hope of possible survival applies to each and every one of the diseases that will ultimately kill someone. There will come times that the doctors will believe that the disease is going away, and the sensation of finally being able to leave the hospital overcomes you, only to be told maybe a day later that the disease has come back. Also, the person that will be the true love could also be anyone, not someone that necessarily has to meet certain criteria.

All that is left after figuring this all out, is the same as the problem with humanity. The knowledge of something to come and the knowledge of being. For example, let's say that I'm going to die by a terminal illness and someone and I fall in love with each other during my illness. I know that my time is coming to an end and her time with me is coming to an end with that. She will be with me until the end of my life, but I won't be with her until the end of hers, so the only question I have is, "Would you kill yourself with me?" That way her and I can live the rest of our lives with one another. She won't have the memory imprinted in her brain of watching my body go from living to the limp lifeless sack as all that is keeping me alive fails. 

*IF YOU ARE READING THIS, BE WARNED THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS TO THE MANGA/ANIME SHIGATSU WA KIMI NO USO (YOUR LIE IN APRIL)*

Nothing is able to make me cry more than the fantastic anime and story or Your Lie in April, also known as Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso in its original language of Japanese. I have watched this anime multiple times through and the awe effect still has yet to dissipate. It did, however, lose its big twist effect that could be easily found out by episode thirteen of the series. 

Your Lie in April follows fourteen-year-old Kosei Arima, a piano prodigy before his mother's untimely demise, as he completes his last year in middle school. Kosei was raised as a pianist after playing in front of his mother's friend, Hiroku Seto. His mother, Saki, had beaten Kosei for each of his mistakes until he learned it just as it was written on the scores. Sometimes he would be beaten until he bled. Kosei didn't really take this to heart until he played a song perfectly in front of his mother and was still reprehended for it. He wished his mother dead from that and she ended up dying due to her sickness a couple of days afterward. After that point, whenever Kosei played the piano, he could no longer hear the notes that the piano would make. He was deaf to his own sound and ended up quitting playing piano.

The anime follows his journey on meeting someone else that brings the music and color back into his life, but the person that he meets, Kaori Miyazono, is terminal. Kosei didn't know that she was terminal, but did know that she was ill because, throughout the anime, Kaori ends up in the hospital, but still seems okay when she is around others. She inspires Kosei to keep playing and ends up helping Kosei with his inability to hear, but Kosei ends up breaking down when he learns that Kaori is going to die and leave him just as his mother did. 

As each episode I watch now, I can get teary and on certain episodes like 11, 13, 18, and the final episode, I can be seen crying my eyes out because it has such a powerful meaning. Imagine being put into Kosei's shoes. He watches as his loving mother becomes ill and he believes that playing his best will heal her, but the better and better he plays, the worse she gets and then he plays perfectly and she dies. He loses the ability to hear his music, which is one of the few things that he still has left of his mother. Then he meets a girl that likes his best friend, that brings color and music back into his life. He ends up falling for her completely, but she ends up ill like his mother. Then she ends up dying at the end, and he learns the truth that she actually loved him and his playing inspired her to switch from the piano to the violin just so that they could have the possibility of playing together. He believed the whole time that she liked his best friend, and she died before he could tell her his true feelings. Each time they met up or talked to one another it was heart-moving. She even asked him to kill himself with her so that they could be together forever. He was the reason why she fought to be alive, and she was the reason he woke up in the morning, and yet they couldn't be together. How could this not make someone cry, or at least tear up inside? 

Dreams are amazing. In my dream last night alone, I was able to fall in love, get married, have kids and watch as my wife left me after many years of a great marriage. On the other hand, dreams can suck and only last for two seconds. 

Last night I lived another life. I was myself but in another dimension or alternate universe. I was traveling home from my grandma's house. My grandma had allowed someone to stay as well because she has an abundance of room in her house. She seemed to roughly be my age and was just traveling the world as she saw fit, but meeting her at my grandma's house was quite awkward. Of my two brothers and my father, I was chosen to room with her for the time being and she really didn't have any boundaries. She would constantly bug me with questions that were impeding my personal life and during the night and early mornings she was completely naked. She didn't seem to be embarrassed for being naked. It seemed that she actually wanted me to look at her naked because she would try to get in my field of focus during her naked times. One morning while I was getting dressed after showering, she was just waking up. I tried to keep my head looking in a direction away from her body, but she grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her naked body. After which, she forced her body on mine. From there, the both of us tried to sneak away to be together. 

Two nights ago, I lived a different life. I watched as my daughter died in my hands and woke up immediately while still hearing someone talk into my ears stating, "The clown did it, the clown DID IT, THE CLOWN DID IT!" Progressively getting louder and louder while I opened my eyes and lasted with a ringing in my ears. Was it necessarily horror, or a telling of my future of a killer clown killing my daughter if I had one. 

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there is less of you.” - Margaret Atwood.

 With every divorce, there are at least two sides, the divorcing two, and the things that they are fighting over. These things could be the simplest of things such as cars, house, furniture, but they could also be the hardest things as well such as children and jewelry. “Ah, yes, divorce...from the latin word meaning to rip out a men’s genitals through his wallet” - Robin Williams.

 When kids come into the view of the divorce, it gets more serious than destroying the marriage papers. For instance, I, am a victim of divorce. My parents had split when I was just old enough to remember. I remember my mom getting in her blue dodge pick-up, and backing out of our driveway without even looking back at me as I stood on the porch. I was naive then, thinking that she was just going off to work or shopping, but after crying myself to sleep for the next two nights as I was laying in my own vomit, I realized that she wasn’t coming back. “I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a classic case of divorce affected me.” - Kurt Cobain.

 Out in the world, there are many people who try to understand how us divorce babies think and react. We are all different but we all have that same understanding. We are all one person with one problem. We all are looking for that love that had disappeared from our lives. Some of us are constantly looking for it and we end up receiving damaging love from prostitution or being beaten by our “partners”. “We accept the love we think we deserve” -Perks of Being a Wallflower.

 One day we might crack. We might be those kids that randomly shoot up a place to finally be noticed, or we could be those that could choose to take our own lives because the lives that we are living are not ever going to be the lives we want them to be. For every family that is broken up by divorce, at least one child is left being swapped between the parents, wondering which parent is right for them. Unlike them, I wasn’t swapped between the parents. I was stuck with one always wishing to be with the other until just a few years ago I got that wish. “Divorce isn’t the child’s fault. Don’t say anything unkind about your ex in front of your child, because you are really just hurting the child.” - Valerie Bertinelli.

 “Experience is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you” - Aldous Huxley. I am not like the others. I am not like the one’s that are stereotypically accused of shooting up a place or even becoming suicidal. I have taken this occurrence in my life and made it help me treat other people with respect and also make my writings have more in-depth feelings and the ability to connect with others that have experienced the same things.

'From the moment that I saw you, I knew that one day that I'd fall in love with you.' Maybe that was something that you wanted to hear come from my lips. Would you rather I lie and state that or would you rather I am real and truthful to you? Honestly, I had no clue that we were ever going to date. We became friends and somehow I was immediately put into the friend-zone. Maybe that is how this time period works. Of course, you wouldn't want familiarity even though you spout all the lies of 'I wish I would find a guy like you'. Thing is, I am a guy like myself, but since we are already friends and you have become familiar with me, you are unattracted to me because you don't believe that I could ever surprise you. Maybe you're right because I may not even try, but since we are already familiar with each other, I won't make you go through the awkward periods of relationships. I cannot get you a gift you will hate, and yet you chose a random person before you chose me. I can't say that I love you because my emotions had been played by you. They have been played by your actions and so I cannot be romantic with you anymore.I will be cynical instead because it fits my feelings better. 

I probably bore you, but at least you know I won't leave. I have nowhere else to go because going one way, I fall off a cliff into doom and despair and the other option would be to go downhill. Why would I ruin something at the top for something at the bottom? Maybe some shrill plans with some courtesans can allow me to fall, but for the life of me, you are with me because you wanted to feel loud, not because you have feelings for me. I think that is why we are stuck with each other, we've become content with each other and trying to assimilate someone else into either of our lifestyles is too much of a hassle.

I can't say that I even love you, but can you? We won't leave each other because then our lives must change and we just aren't ready for that. We don't even have physical or emotional interactions anymore. It's like we are staying together because I have your CDs still in my vehicle. We used to talk, we used to connect. What happened? Did that connection disappear when you said, 'I do'? Had our lives been selectively decided to become a bore and chore to one another? 

I've been torturing myself the past few days. Our emotions are easily changed and determined by various stimuli in the environment. Well, I've been stimulating sadness and sorrow upon myself the past few days. Not the kind of sadness that can later develop suicidal tendencies, no. Instead, I'm instilling the sadness gained from the passing of a loved one. The kind of sadness that could lead to a huge change in my outlook on life, whilst creating a river of tears. I don't know why I am instilling this form of sadness within myself. Maybe it is because I feel a craving for it. Every day I subject myself to entertainment that would instill such emotions into someone. 

I've had this emotion a couple time previously, not from a loved one's death, but from entertainment and moving away from beloved friends. It can be viewed as though those  I considered beloved are now symbolically or metaphorically dead, but I live in a world of social media. I can still talk to them, but all physical interactions are now dead. Each time I had obtained the sadness my outlook on life has changed in some way. I could have viewed one thing being more important than another, or the world may have gotten more colorful/bleak. I've tried with other emotions too in order to figure out if they give me any change at all, but no other emotion is as wild as this form of sadness. This form of sadness is a drug to me. TO explain the drug properly, I'd describe it as picking up a handful of pills and polling them in your mouth altogether and swallowing. The pills were all different and so the outcome is varied, will it make me happy, will it bring me on a hallucination trip, will it make me focus, will it make me feel different to a person or group of people, or will this be my last swallow? I don't know and that is the fun of it. I don't know how I will end up when I'm done. 

There seems to be others lying about and I crawl to them one by one speaking the killing word. I did not recognize any of them and thus I was at more ease taking their lives away.

I got to the final remainder. The body is lying unconscious. Their body is a bit mangled. They could've awakened and passed out due to shock. The face is badly damaged as if they slid on it after being ejected from the bus during impact. Looking over the body as I did with the rest, I see it. A bracelet. A bracelet that I gave my best friend when we were younger. Why was he on the bust today? He has been in all extra-curricular since his family wanted him to get into a good college. I've known him since he moved here and now I'm the once deciding if he lives or dies. I get to play God with his life and since he took Victoria away from me, this decision should be easy. He was there for me when my mother remarried and he let me stay over even though he wasn't allowed anyone over when my step-dad drunkenly beat me. How can I kill him? I can't take hi9s life, I'd rather take my own in his place because at least he will amount to something. His family will be devastated, even more so now because they just had a miscarriage and were heading towards a divorce. 

His body lifts slowly from his breathing. I am laying next to his unconscious body looking at what I think is the sky above me, "Funny isn't it?" I immediately turn to him shocked from hearing his voice. "You have to decide if I live or die. If I were you, I'd kill me because my life isn't going on all that well." I am in shock to hear him say to kill him. How did he know anyway? Does he know about the deal I made or is wanting me to end his pain so his parents don't have to deal with medical expenses?

"Why would you want me to kill you? You deserve to live instead of me. You are supposed to go to college in the fall, while I, I am not doing anything with my life!"

"My parents are divorcing from the miscarriage and I got denied from all the colleges that I applied to because of my poor test scores. All because I look good everywhere else, my test scores kept me from going. I had to go home today to both my parents and tell them that I was denied. Do you know how proud they were of me before and then me telling them otherwise? They would be even more devastated. I think that dying now is better than telling them. Also, I'm the one who got us into this."

"What do you mean? How are you the reason for the bus crashing and all of us lying here dead?"

"I grabbed hold of the wheel and drove us into the 18-wheeler after having a conflict with the bus driver. I didn't want to tell my parents that their only child is a failure. I didn't want them to hate me." He is looking into the sky that I can no longer see. "Kill me, it'd be easier that way. I don't want my parents to know the truth."

He is the reason that she lies dead on the other side of the road. He is the reason why everyone is dead. He had single-handedly killed everyone on this bus and yet I still hesitate in killing him. All the reason were there for me to kill him; however, our memories are getting in the way. Meeting each other for the first time because I had to show him around the school, hanging out all the time after school and the both of us being there for each other during hard times. Why am I the chosen one to kill him now? Why have I made the deal with the silhouette to kill all these people just for one person that doesn't even know me? 

"Come on already!" He yells at me and grabs onto my hands. "Do it! Don't let me suffer anymore and don't let my parents suffer worse! Just end it all, kill me! 

Their leg is bloody and from the contortions of the legs, I can tell that they are female before even seeing them entirely. Moving closer, I can recognize her, Victoria Dean. She is high on the metaphorical High School totem pole. Almost every girl wanted to be her, and almost every male wanted to be inside of her, including me. Being neighbors and all, I kinda had a connection with her from childhood, but nothing ever really came of it. I mean, we did experiment with each other a couple times growing up, but we were caught. I've seen her naked, and she has seen me naked, so I had insight knowledge on her body that most men in school wanted. 

We kinda fell apart near the end of eighth grade though. She dated my best friend at the time and I was so jealous because it wasn't me. Then when they eventually broke up, I had to take my friend's side of things, so yeah, our childhood friendship was ruined because she dated and broke up with my best friend. A third-party execution really. Her body and look on the world has changed drastically in the last four years and as I slowly crawl up to her now, I wonder if she will even recognize me. Not until I touched her leg did she even know someone was coming up to her. "H-hey..." Since she is barely conscious, her speech is slowed and barely annunciated fully. "'all 911, will ya?" 

Why am I hesitating to get this done and over with? I am already touching her leg, but for some reason, I can't get myself to say the words. Have I had feelings for her this entire time, hidden deep down inside of myself hoping that she'd return to the girl I used to know? But I've fallen for my beloved now, what is stopping me?

"'re ya 'alling? I 'eed help. 'lease" Any second now, she'd go unconscious due to blood loss. She'd be perfectly fine if paramedics were to get here in a timely manner. Surely some bystander has called for them by now.

"How am I supposed to kill them when even I am injured? I cannot walk, and my breath is weary. I cannot summon the strength to cause physical harm, so how will I murder the remaining?" I beckon to the silhouette, "If I pass out from the loss of blood, then none will die except my beloved."

What feels like an eternity passes by waiting for a response from the silhouette. Is it deep in thought trying to make the bargain better? "This time and this time only, I'll make it easy for you. All you have to do is touch the remaining and speak the words, 'rest now'. Once the last syllable has been spoken their souls will leave their bodies. Once all the remaining perish, your beloved will be brought back to life." The silhouette is engulfed by the fog and I cannot remember even it were real or not. 

I leave her after gingerly resting her split head on the asphalt below. Dragging myself to the first remainder, Trevor, I can hear his screaming perfectly. His torso was punctured by the metal of the broken seat in front of him. The metal clearly sticks through both sides of his body, and his hands are trying to hold back the blood pouring from the puncture. Even if I weren't to touch his, he may die from a lack of blood or at least the infection from the metal seats that are never cleaned off and have nose boogers strewn all over them; however this seems to be his only wound and if paramedics arrive fast enough, his life could be spared. Crawling to his, I now lay under him. Reaching my hands up to touch him, he looks down upon me. "H-Hey buddy. G-Get me out of here. I-I d-don't want to die." 

"Taking you out of the metal would kill you faster. It is blocking the blood from just pouring right out of you."

"Please." His speech is quickened and fractured by his pain. "Te-Tell me. Tell me. A-Am I. Going to die?" His eyes are beating into mine. I can sense his fear of death, but my desire to have my beloved back is more important than some jock's life. 

"No, no, no Trevor." I have gained a hold of his foot. "Rest now, Trevor." Before he could hear his name one last time, his body stopped. Stopped squirming; stopped screaming; stopped beating, just stopped. His lifeless eyes still beating down upon mine. Drops of water colliding with the asphalt below me. I had started crying and yet I barely know Trevor. He was an athlete, a stupid jock, and he never pertained to me much. He and I were in a couple of classes together, and if he weren't on this bus today, he may very well had been going to play at the collegiate Division I level in the fall. 

I take my hands off of his. I can still feel his lifeless eyes on me as I try to move away. I pick up a rock around me, thinking I'd throw it trying to knock away his eyes so I don't feel the guild, but I want to feel this guilt from killing him. I want to feel bad for killing Trevor. I prefer to be reminded of my deed proving that I'd do anything for my beloved.

You came on the bus today. Why did you have to be on the bus today? couldn't you have stayed after for extracurricular activities or had your family pick you up instead? Instead of hanging out with your friends or studying for exams, or learning something useful in extracurriculars, your body is bruised and laying motionless diagonally across the street from me. Our bus had collided with an oncoming 18-wheeler and was overturned, but also shortened. It used to be a normal sized bus, but now it is the smaller handicap sized. Both drivers had died on impact and it seems that many of the passengers have been horribly mutilated or killed. Others, like me, got lucky and only broke a bone or two. 

With only a broken leg, I drag my body over to yours. You were alive just minutes ago, but I can already feel the warmth fading away from your body. You head isn't the same. It's mushy and red from your blood. I could easily separate it into two, but do you feel it? I'm applying pressure on your mushy head in order to stop the bleeding, but all it seems to be doing is straining my hands red. "Please don't leave me. You have meant so much to me. Even though you may not know me, you are the reason I still get up in the morning. If you go, there is nothing left for me to live for. P-Please don't leave me." Your hand is soft, yet cold and the bones of your arms stick out above the skin. 

The ground around is asphalt, and motionless stay two vehicles stuck as one. No other vehicles are coming and even though it was sunny earlier, a fog has rolled in. As I'm begging for your lifeless body to awaken again, the world around me disappears in the fog. The vehicles and the motionless cadavers both taken from my sight by the fog. The moaning and screaming of the living crash participants are muffled and then silenced. All that remains is you and me. A silhouette of a figure exists within the fog around us. It remains unrecognizable except that it looks human. "I'll bring your beloved back. I will mend her wounds and she will be exactly the same as before. All this suffering and sorrow that has become upon you all will be gone." The silhouette had spoken and it seems too good to be true. I remain speechless. Looking down upon her, I still see a happy as ever person. She was so lively but seeing her motionless with blood still running from her head and arms, she doesn't belong like this. "I can bring her back, but I want--"

"What is it? Tell me and I'll do it." I quickly interjected before the silhouette could finish. 

As I am waiting for my eyes to close, I lay here thinking and refreshing my Instagram feed hoping to see new photos from my friends. They all look happy as I scroll through them. My friends are happy. People that I care about are happy. And yet, I'm not. Instead, I am filled with jealousy because my friends are happy. Why can't I be happy too? I wait for the day that I will awake and be happy. 

Maybe my friends aren't happy and instead, they are putting on a fake smile for the photo. Some of the photos aren't even them. They are just inanimate objects, but the way the inanimate object is portrayed, it is happy. Each of my friends is an artist and maybe by them having a fake smile and perfectly portrayed inanimate objects is just a facade. Inside, they could be having a civil war. Both sides are wanting to take control of the body and in the beginning, they fought for one side, but now, they would compromise just to feel again. 

Perhaps the photos uploaded are to show themselves as lively people to make a facade for others to enjoy. They may have accepted that everyone else is just as damaged and therefore they take it upon themselves to try to put a little bit of happiness back into the world. Perhaps I have a facade too. My family tells me that I used to be a happy and energetic child; however, I am not the polar opposite. So, I question, what happened? Where has my facade gone? Has someone murdered my facade, thus making it impossible for me to feel happiness again?

I am nothing more than a beaten down man, wishing for his time to run out and every day that it doesn't I gain a bit of urge to speed it up myself. Facade, come back to me before my urge engulfs all others and I become no more. 

It's past three in the fucking morning and I'm laying in my bed awake. I don't know a reason why I am, I could fall asleep at any moment, but for some reason, my body is telling me, "Stay awake man, just a little bit longer." But for what? What will this achieve me? In a couple of hours, the sun will rise. In less time, my father will awake for the day and in the meantime, I am just fucking laying here. Couldn't I at least be somewhat productive? There are a ton of things that I can do while laying in my bed. For instance, I can constantly update my social network feeds even though everyone posting is long since been in a slumber. I could continue with a book that I've been reading because it makes me feel emotions and could put me to sleep immediately. I could ask Alexa to play me some indie music so I would be lost in other people' perfections. Instead, though, I am laying her in complete silence, or at least the silence that combines with the summer nights. 

By staring off into the distance for prolonged periods of time, I can make my eyes go partially blind. They will begin seeing patterns, but slowly the light from the center of my sight will fade to darkness and eventually it will engulf the remaining eyesight. I've never made it to fully engulfing my eyesight because if I move my eyes at all, they reset and I can see again. 

I could reminisce in the past, but to what reason would I? I've thought of it previously and I cannot change anything from my past. The girl I cheated on will still have a hatred towards me for my acts. My parents will still think I was a terrible child to raise because I stole anything and everything I could. It was all for the attention though. So I ask again, why would I reminisce in the shitty past?

I could fantasize about selling my body off. I could lay here and think of my persona that I'd have for it. I've told friends before that my stripper name would be space cowboy because I would show people things that are out of this world and because I'm southern. It would make them giggle, but I know it'd be a failed occupation for me because I am a little too overweight for the standard stripper. No girl appreciates fat strippers, nor would they want to pay for that when they have their husbands at home for it.

I lay here and yet nothing comes to mind for me to do. It isn't like I could just leave the house because my father sleeps right next tot the garage. I'd wake him and then he'd constantly wake me up in the morning before he leaves for work as payback. It's bad enough that I barely get any sleep now, but if he did that, I'd get no sleep. 

I could just forego the sleep and become a hallucinating bimbo in the next day. As I'm a passenger in a vehicle, I'd visualize hazards in the road only making it harder for the driver. Maybe I could be visited by a celebrity hallucination. That'd be weird. Imagine having Ellen Page visit you after playing Beyond: Two Souls. Shit, I'd be scared that Aiden would kill me. (By the way, if you haven't heard of or played Beyond: Two Souls, it is an interactive story game starring Ellen Page as a girl tied to a demon, Aiden, and Willam Dafoe as a scientist trying to look after Ellen). I'd freak if I saw her. Also, she is so amazing and I'd be lucky to meet her one day. Anyway, yeah that could happen.

Also, last but not least, I could just perish. My overstrained body for doing nothing could just decide to stop working and that'd be the end of me. What a gratifying end, huh? I'd die without any notice with no explainable cause. I'd surely freak my family out. 

In the modern age, video games have continuously built upon relationships between the various virtual characters and the player. The Sims and Mass Effect series are well known for the relationships that the player can have with a multitude of characters. I have played both, and with each, I have a moral decision on who I should and shouldn't try to have relations with. 

I have personally been playing the Shin Megami Tensei series, more specifically Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4. I have played through the game through August so far and I have come to the point where I am at max social links with multiple characters. The social link status is basically like a friendship meter that helps out when creating new Personas, basically, gods to help in battle, and giving new abilities to them. With certain social links there comes a time near the end in which you can go into a love or intimate relationship with the character. Chie Satonaka, Yukiko Amagi, mysterious Marie and Rise Kujikawa are some of the characters that the player can have intimate relationships with. I, personally, have not completed the game so I don't know if there are any ramifications for dating multiple people throughout the game, but if there is, I will figure that out because I am dating Chie and Yukiko currently. 

Chie Satonaka and Yukiko Amagi are the first two females other than your little cousin Nanako that you meet within the game. They immediately befriend you and their social link activates early so they are able to level up the earliest. This leads to their social link being the first ones that you max out. Chie Satonaka is an active girl that loves to eat steak skewers, while Yukiko is a polar opposite. Yukiko has a hard time expressing herself and she usually is stuck within a world of her own during most in-game conversations. As the social links continue throughout the game both Chie and Yukiko start to come out of their shells, but only around the player character. They seem to have a deep connection with the character and the prompts that the player are able to select can give insight on to how to actually speak to another real life person. During the conversations, you can select to be quiet, sweet or rude, but given the context, rude or saying nothing is actually beneficial to continuing the social link. 

As I was sweet talking my way to Chie and Yukiko's hearts, I was a moral dilemma. I knew that I would activate Chie's intimate relationship before Yukiko's, but I didn't know if I would personally date Chie. I wanted to be true to my feelings in the game and Chie is actually someone that I could have lots of fun with because she loves terrible Kong Fu movies and wants to better the world by helping those that need it. While Yukiko basically owns a job and property with the Inn that she will inherit off of her parents, she is a prime choice to be with because we are set for life later. Also, Yukiko's inner demon is all about wanting an intimate relationship with someone. She has wanted to be free and since she has felt stuck in Inaba for her entire life, she would be more willingly to be loyal, loving and caring in a relationship. So what choice do I take? Well since both Yukiko and Chie are perfect candidates for me, I chose them both; however, I still have a worry because they are both best friends with not only the group but with each other. If they were to figure out that they both are dating me, they would not be happy and it may end up ruining their friendships. I had another chance to add another girl into the mix of people that I'm dating, but I turned her down because I didn't want another person that I am possibly going to disappoint. 

Is it weird in our day and age to grow up old and alone? I mean that we have so many different outlets to find a significant other or at least another hopeless person to grow old with. However, what if I wish to grow old? If I were to marry, there is a very low percent that we both would die at the same time so there will be a time where at least one of us is alone. Isn't that more troubling than just growing up alone? 

If I were to be married and grow old with someone, then I would have an emotional connection with them. Then having them die and I would have to live anywhere from one day to at most two decades without them. This emotional strain on my psyche would lead me into trying to the fill the void that is left or trying to live my life every single day as though my partner is still alive. I'd be sitting in the living room and without thinking, I would call out their name and then after a couple of seconds of no response, I would walk around the house trying to find them, but come to the realization that she is no longer with me and fall into a state of depression. The emotional strain would probably lead me to self-harm or heavy medication in order to obtain a state of amnesia or heavy sedation. 

Now if I were to grow old alone, then there wouldn't be an emotional strain on my psyche. Instead, there would always have been a void in my heart. I wouldn't have anyone to rely on, but I also wouldn't have any offspring to visit me. Instead, I would possibly be visited by those that are wanting to know when and if I'm going to die soon by also trying to gain an emotional attachment to me so that they can be written into my will. Would I let myself be so willingly emotionally attached to another person so that they would be written into my will once I died? Would my death be like that of a terrible drama movie?