Sometimes I want to check in and see how your day is going, but I usually don’t. I have to stop myself from reaching out because even little chats can bring back memories from the past that aren’t easy to deal with. I care a lot, but I can't face the fact that I was a selfish person who didn't think about how my actions would hurt your feelings, that even in the present, it haunts you. I've done many immature things that caused you misery, and I’m not proud. I truly recognize that I was a jerk, an asshole, and a selfish kid in the past. I still carry that regret with me for the rest of my life. You lightened the load when we had that conversation. It was a wake up call, to be honest. You made me realize that enough is enough... enough with the pain, enough with the broken promises, and enough with the bullshit. I get that. But I want you to know there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about it. You continue to amaze me with how you've grown despite the pain and misery you've dealt with alone. I can't help but look back at who you were and see the strong woman you've become, someone who stands up for herself and doesn’t let anyone invade her peaceful and sacred space. I wonder who is in your life now. I hope he makes you feel safe and brings you happiness. More than anything, I wish for you to just be yourself, perfectly as you are. I know I can't undo the things I've done, and I can’t change where we left off. I want to admit that I'm the one to blame for your emotional walls, because I understand that if they remain, you won’t be haunted by the ghosts of the past. I’m truly grateful you’ve still given me a chance to be around, even if our relationship is just as it is, better than not having you in my life at all. I would be a hypocrite if I said everything I've expressed is something I casually accepted. The events of the past have shaped what we are today. If only I could turn back time and talk to my younger self, advising him to be easier on you and take care of that person you’ve always dreamed of being with for the rest of your life, I would have done so. But it’s too late now. I’m genuinely disappointed in myself for never having made things right, even just once. You’ve given me many chances in the past, yes, but I haven’t grown up as I should have. I know I could make your life better. I really care, and all I can do is dream, just like we did when we were kids, and honestly, I think we’re still doing it now... Do you?
P.S.
You never went away even though you’re far away.
