do you believe me now? | 9
in which we find out how the morning after went for fem!reader. you finally share with spencer after unanticipated anxieties come up. you're continually shocked by his affection for you.
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this series is 18+ (angst, fluff) warnings/tags: (preface none of the bad stuff is done by spencer) sexual harassment, slut shaming, non consensual voyeurism of sorts, blood + pain from losing virginity, talk of rape (nothing like that actually happens), implied nonspecific age gap (someone says he looks slightly older than you) non sexual nudity, showering together, intimacy, ewww being in love is embarrassing a/n: I honestly was not gonna post this today but I decided to bc it's just Tumblr its not that deep also you can probably tell I am just creating problems bc I don't wanna let go of them...... ik this is supposed to be a smutty series btw and trust good things come to those who wait!!!but anyways idk what I'm doing and I kinda hate this!! lolol!!!
Friday morning
The air is thick when you wake upโthe angle of the sun through the window is lower than usual, and the binding weight of your limbs as you struggle to stretch in place all suggest that youโve slept in.ย
But you donโt check the time quite yetโfor a moment, you simply lie there, studying the pattern on your ceiling, downloading the events of the previous night.ย
Flashes of skin on skin, lips, breaths, whispers, promises. Phantom sensations.ย
Was it even real?
Your apartment is deafeningly silent, you realize. And you have that sinking sense, which you canโt quite explain but know to be trueโthat you are alone. Spencer is gone. You canโtย feelย him like youโd be able to if he were simply on the couch or in the kitchen. Heโs definitely not in bed with you, and the sheets have long gone cold.ย
The truth of it renders about as slowly as your sluggish consciousness does, and you frown, not quite sure what to do with that information. Should you be angry? Should you cry?
Mostly youโre confused.ย
As soon as you sit up, sore thighs and abs and a strange ache between your legs confirm that last night wasย notย a dream nor a figment of your imagination. Youโll figure out what to do about your twinging body in a momentโfor now you rub your eyes and blindly reach for the bedside table, knockingย several things to the ground in your quest for your phone.ย
Itโs not there, you realize, once you actually try to use your eyes. Itโs not in bed with you either as you pat the sheets, and it doesnโt materialize as you sit on your knees and shake out the comforter.ย
From this venture, however, you learn two things. First, Spencer mustโve taken it upon himself to get you dressed last night, which you have no recollection of, but you doubt you sleepwalked your way into underwear and a big t-shirt; and secondโyouย bled.ย
It wasnโt something you were thinking about in the moment, but now, faced with all the evidence and none of the pleasure of last nightโs activities, itโs jarring. A stark, unforgiving archipelago of red on a pristine sea of white.ย
People say, at its best, sex brings couples closer. Spencer once told you it could facilitateย feelings of deeper connection. But here you are, no longer a virgin, and what do you have to show for it? A stronger bond with your boyfriend? Heโs not evenย here.ย
All you have is this glaring red stain marring perfectly good sheets. It mocks you, like something youโve dropped and canโt pick back up. You canโtย thinkย looking at it, and youย needย to think, and so in a fit of frustration youโre pulling the comforter onto the floor, leaning over your mattress and yanking the fitted sheet free. You ball it up in your hands, breathing heavilyโand realize you bled through to the mattress.ย
Wonderful.ย
Spencerโs just at work,ย you tell yourself, grabbing the first pair of shorts you see and pulling them on before gathering the ruined sheet once more and stomping on aching legs through your apartment to the hallway, not even bothering with shoes.ย He canโt just play hooky because his clingy girlfriend lost her virginity and needs to be comforted like some previously celibate high school cheerleader.
But you miss him so much itโs making youย angry, so much your eyes are stinging and welling with tears of frustration as you shove your bed linens down the trash chute at the end of your floorโs hallway. Youโre supposed to be independent. Thatโs how youโve always been. Since when does it bother you to wake up alone? Itโs justย sex. Itโs not as big a deal for him as it is for you. Or for anyone.ย Youโreย the one overreacting,ย youโreย the one who expects too much. He works for theย FBI, for godโs sake. There are people dying, and here you areโ
โWhatโchya got there?โ
The gruff voice makes you jump, and you turn around just as the bundle is disappearing down into the hole in the wall. Itโs your neighbor, Jerryโthe one in the unit right next to you. Youโre not happy to see him, especially like this. Heโs got a blue 5 oโclock shadow despite the hour, and is clad in ill-fitting gray sweats and a pair of ratty slippers. His distended belly strains at the confines of an oil-stained white shirt, tied with a dingy checkered robe. You barely meet his drooping eyes before looking longingly back at your cracked door down the hall.ย
โJustโฆ garbage.โ You shift your weight, hiding a wince as you try to find a comfortable position to stand in. Jerry notices this, and you wish his eyes wouldnโt linger on your bare legs like that.ย
โHuh. Looks like someone had a late night.โ
โSorry?โ
โItโs just noon and youโre still in your PJโs.โ
Disgusting.ย And who the fuck is he to judge? At leastย yourย pajamas are clean.ย
You shrug. โYeah.โ
He scratches his bald head.ย
โSo that boy tired you out pretty good, huh?โ
Your stomach drops. Your brain freezes.ย
When you donโt reply, he takes the liberty of continuing on.ย
โSaw him sneaking out of your apartment in the middle of the night. He looked a little older โn you. You like โem older?โ His laugh is a cruel bark. โYeahโฆ Heโs a lucky man. You know, itโs natural for a man to like a younger girl. Fresh meat, โn all.โ You try to speak and can only swallow a gag. Jerry adjusts his stance, hands in pockets like heโs telling you a local news story. โHeard some of it.ย Soundedย like you were putting on quite the show. And sure, a young pretty thing like you? Hell, I would if I could. But Iโll tell you right now, you donโt wanna end up like my daughter. She wasnโt as pretty as you, but stillโthree kids with three men by the time she was 24. She should'a kept her damn legs closed. You know, she loved to cry rape, but you gotta ask yourself, if your legs are open all the damn time, what do you expect? Back in the day we all knew girls like thatโโ he bats the air dismissively. โGuess you canโt call โemย slutsย anymoreโthey get what theyโre asking for one way or another. See, I think everyone still knows it and theyโre just too afraid to say it. So my advice: donโt let yourself get used up, you hear me? Not by men who are gonna ride you hard and put you away wet.ย So to speak. Men can smell a girl like that from a mile away, and theyโll take it as an open invitation. Itโs just human nature.โ
When he finally stops talking, the hallway fills with a vacuous silence. It makes your ears ring. Several moments pass, but youโre frozen. Your whole body feels intolerably hot but your blood is freezing.ย How are you supposed to react?ย
โHello?โ He says, voice loud enough to hurt your ears as it echoes.ย
Get out of here,ย your more rational self says to the rest of you, and you mumble something, you donโt even know what, excusing yourself to hurry on stiff legs back down the hall to your door.ย
Once inside, you do up every lock on your door, and face your apartment, shoulders tensed practically to your ears and fists clenched so tight your arms are trembling. On autopilot you look around for something to do, but thereโs nothing. More importantly, nobody.
Iโll call Spencer. Heโll know what to do.ย
No, you wonโt, your higher self reminds you.ย You lost your phone. And besides, itโs clearly not like he wanted to stick around last night. Maybe he doesnโt even like you anymore.ย
So youโre stuck here. Stranded.ย Sharks can smell blood.ย
Processing that information, you walk back to your bedroom and close the door behind youโbefore promptly sinking to the ground and burying your face in the duvet with a deep, silent sob.ย ย
That goes on for a few minutes until you realize youโre too achy and you canโt breathe and youโre forced onto your side, curling up in your blanket on the floor like itโs a nest and not a burial plot.ย
You shouldnโt get ahead of yourself. A relationship canโt implode twice in 24 hours.ย ย You donโt have your phone. Maybe heโs texted you.ย
But is that really all youโre worth? A text sent after the fact? He couldnโt sacrifice a few hours to sleep by your side? Couldnโt even wake you up to sayย goodbye?ย You think about the sweet things heโd said afterwardโthe way he held you, fingers dancing down your spine. Promises he made when you were half asleep in his arms, so sure heโd be there when you woke up.ย
Even fuckingย Jerry the neighborโwho you think might have just sexually harassed you in the hallwayโsaid Spencer shouldโve stuck around.ย
Fuck.ย
No, donโt think about that.ย It doesnโt even matter. They were just words.ย
Heard some of it. Sounded like you put on quite the show.ย
Your skin crawls and your stomach turns as you hold yourself tighter. Something that was supposed to be private and specialโand some random man not only had a front row seat to your deflowering but felt comfortableย talkingย about it with you. It feels like a violation. Like he crashed a really important party. If you had known you had an audience last night, you never wouldโve done it.ย
The way he looked at you, tracing your legs with his eyes like he was touching youโ
You scramble up from the floor and walk heavily on your knees to the dresser, digging up a pair of pajama pants and a hoodie. You should be showering, but you donโt want to deal with your body right now. You just want to hide.ย
Friday eveningโpresent
After your conversation, Spencer seems eager to make sure the car ride to his apartment is not reminiscent of the car ride to yours last nightโhe holds your hand, resting in your lap, bringing your knuckles to his lips at a red light. Every few moments he glances over at you, maybe to appreciate the view (though you doubt itโs especially scenic at the moment) or perhaps to gauge your mood. The further away you get from your apartment building the better you feel, and you try to focus on that. Sureโmaybe you had a shit day, but Spencerโs here now, and he didnโt leave you after all. In fact, since finding your phone, youโve seen the series of very sweet and highly concerned messages he sent over the course of a few hours. They almost make your stomach hurt. It wouldโve been really nice to have those earlier.ย
He doesnโt ask you any more of the hard questions, but you sense an inquisition in the works and getting closer with every curious glance he gives you. Itโs like heโs unwrapping you, layer by layer, using his impressive cognitive faculties to drill through your skull into your brain and deeper still into your soul.ย
Back in his apartment you sit awkwardly on the bed. Last time youโd been here, things hadnโt gone so well for you.ย
The shower starts in the adjoined bathroom, and Spencer comes out a moment later, warm light seeping into the darkened bedroom. Purple and dark blue mixing with yellow, like a bruise.ย
โHey. Waterโs warm.โ
You hum, smoothing the material of his neatly made bed with your palm and watching the way it flattens. That had been your doing. You may have thought he was on the verge of breaking up with you last time you slept here, but you didnโt want to leave his home a mess. Didnโt want to leaveย any evidence of your having been here.ย
A moment passes. You thumb at a thread and donโt look up.ย
Spencer crosses the space without a word and crouches in front of you, hands coming up to cup the back of your legs, running knee to ankle and up again.ย
โCan you tell me whatโs going on? Please?โ He asks softly. His voice wrings your heart out. Now that youโre in a completely different space, and youโre not so alone anymore, youโre struggling to sort out your feelings. Itย shouldย be fine. Youโre with Spencer. Presumably he still loves you.ย
And you still feel terrible.ย
โI donโt really want to talk about it,โ you whisper.ย
โI know,โ he says, just as quietly.ย
Spencer doesnโt say anything else.ย I know you donโt want toโand yet. Your lips twist to the side. Heโsย persistent. Even in his kindness. Itโs not the kind of care that falters or buckles when you try turning it away.ย
โMy neighbor said he cโโย
Youโre forced to stop, frowning by how overcome you are. It shouldnโt be such a big deal. Worse things have happened to you.ย
โHe said he could hear us. Last night.โ
Spencerโs hands stop on your legs. You canโt meet his eyes. Youโre afraid whatever you find there wonโt be the right thing.ย
โHeโs in the unit next to you?โ
You nod. โWe share a wall.โ
Thereโs a momentโs hesitation and your stomach sinks.ย He doesnโt understand.ย
โWhat did he say?โ
โJustโฆ dumb shit,โ you scoff, fiercely wiping away a stray tear. โHe said heย listenedย and it sounded like I was putting onย quite the show. And then heโand then he told me not to let youโฆ use me up, whatever that means. He called me fresh meat, and said I shouldnโt let you ride me hard and put me away wet, and bad things happen toย sluts who canโt keep their legs closed.โ
You finish with a sharp inhale, briefly leaning down and covering your face with your hands when you realize how upset you really are. You want to hide it.ย
A fraught moment passes. Spencer reaches for your hands, no doubt to try and pull them away from your face. You spare him the trouble, sitting up with a cavalier sniff before he can touch you and brushing your hair behind your ears.ย ย
His voice is uncomfortably quiet. You canโt look at him. โBabyโฆโ
โDonโt. Itโs fine. I only told you because you asked.โ
Itโs not his fault, but youโre mad at him anyway, and so you avoid eye-contact like itโs the plague. Maybe itโs justย safeย to be mad atย him. Maybe he knows that.ย
Regardless, youโre not in the mood for coddling. Itโs borderline repulsiveโlike trying to mix oil and water. Anything good slides right off of you because maybe youโre not designed to be able to absorb good things.
Nothing changes for a minuteโand then heโs standing, offering you a moment alone as he goes to crank the shower off.ย
As soon as heโs gone all the air is vacuumed from your lungs and you crumple, heaving it back in silently as your head spins and your heart races. Itโs like your mind is split in twoโhalf is primal, overwhelming panic, and the other a cold observatory eye, full of disdain and scorn for what it deems a severe overreaction to a few nasty comments madeย hoursย ago. Youโre so tangled up as you curl in on yourself on your side that you canโt even cry. Youโre just trying to remember how to breathe, ignoring the crawling feeling up your spine and the tingling heat at the back of your neck. The shower stops on the downbeat of your staggered breath, and then itโs silent. Heโll come back at any minute and see what a mess youโve become.ย
Youโve ruined everything.ย If only you couldโve kept it to yourself.ย
When Spencer reappears in the doorway, and sees you collapsed and curling like paper burnt at the edges, heโs quick to return to you.ย
โIโm sorry,โ you manage, trying and failing to brush away hair from your cheek, which is wetโso you were cryingโand Spencer shushes you, pushing it away for you as he kneels.ย
โWhy are you apologizing?โ
โIโm being dramatic, I donโt know whatโs wrong with me.โ
Of course, at the end of that declaration, a sob wrenches its way from the depths of you, so bright and cleaving you half expect the smell of ozone to follow. You follow it with a blisteringly self-deprecating laugh.
โDonโtโdonโt do that. Donโt minimize it.โ
His hand is warm where it rests over your cheek, affectionate, but he sounds frustrated. You frown and sniffle.ย
โWhat am I supposed to do?โ
โTell me his name.โย
Itโs a quiet request, made as gently as his hand cards through the hair at your temple like itโs woven with fragile threads of gold.
โNo, Spencer,โ you beg, anxiety pooling in your gut and rising in your throat, โplease, I donโt want to make it a thing, I donโt want you to talk to him. Youโll just make it worse, itโsย fine.โ
You look at him imploringly, eyes wide and still welling, hoping to god the gravity of your plead will sink in. His are a bed of coalsโsomewhere between furious and sympathetic, and you try to appeal to the sympathy.ย
โIt is notย fine. Sayingย sluts get whatโs coming to themย is not fine, that is aย threat, and Iโm not going toย talkย to him. Iโm going to have him fucking arrested.โ
You scoff.ย
โFor talking to me? Yeah, good luck with that. Cops are really known for being helpful when it comes to sexual harassment.โ
โBaby. Men who are comfortable violating your boundaries like that are exponentially more likely to commit an actual violent crime. That is not a safe person for you to be around.โ
โHeโs not gonnaย rapeย me, Spencer! Heโs just a gross old man! This is why I didnโt want to tell you, because Iย knewย youโd make it a bigger deal than it is! You did it last night and youโre doing it nowโyou think everyone is out to get me!โ
To his credit, he doesnโt so much as raise his voice.ย
โOfย courseย itโs a big deal. Youโre upset.โ
โYeah, well, itโs my own fault.โ
Maybe itโs the wrong thing to say. Spencer goes silent for a moment.ย
โItโsย yourย fault?โ
โYes. Itโs my fault becauseโฆ because now everyone knows that Iโmโฆโ
His voice goes impossibly soft again. โKnows that youโre what?โ
โI mean, what did I expect?โ You sniffle. โItโs an apartment. If I didnโt want to deal with the consequences, I shouldnโtโve done it.โ
He says your name like itโs a ring he twists around his finger as he tries to thinkโto gather the right words.ย
โThe consequences for having sex do not involve punishment or sexual harassment.โ
โItโs the result of my actions, soโโ
โNo, itโs the result of your neighbor being disgusting. I donโt care what he heard, he doesnโt get to talk to you like that.โ
โHeโโ
โIf you heard something you werenโt supposed to hear would you bring it up to the person the next day?โ
โStop interrupting me,โ you plead. Spencer looks like he has something to say to that, too, but he swallows it. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. โIโฆ understand that he shouldnโt have said those things to me. But that doesnโt change the fact that he did, and it was really, really uncomfortable and I donโt wannaโI donโt wanna go back now. Maybe thatโs dramatic, butโฆโ
You trail off, studying the ceiling as a fresh wash of tears dampen your cheeks. Spencerโs hand slides down your waist as you wipe your face. โI donโt regret the fact that we slept together. I just regret everything thatโs happened since, and if I didnโt do it last night, none of this wouldโve happened. I feel like he ruinedย everything.โ
The words end on another cry and you put your hand over your eyes like you could stop it all from coming out. You sniffle. Spencer is quiet for a moment.ย
โIโm sorry,โ he eventually whispers, his own voice threaded with emotion. โIโฆโ
He sighs. You push your hair back and look at him.ย
โWhat?โ
He studies you, chewing on his lip like a nervous tick youโve never seen before. You sit up again, feet balanced on the edge of the bed frame. Spencerโs eyes remain stuck on you. Again, you ask, โWhat?โ
โI didnโt think about it until you brought it up earlier, butโI did see someone. Him, I think, when I went out to my car to get my bag. He was smoking when I came out, and when I got back into the lobby he was waiting for the elevator. We took it up together, heโhe said something to me, so I know he saw me going back to you. I donโt know why he made it sound like I left.โ
You frown. โWhat did he say?โ
Spencer hesitates.ย
โHe asked if I had a long night. He was obviously commenting on the fact that I was basically half-dressed and getting an overnight bag from my car at one in the morning, so he could probably gather from context what was going on, butโฆ my point is, he knew I came back and it seems like he was almost trying to make you think I didnโt. So for whatever reason, maybe he was lying about being able to hear you, too. Maybe he just wanted to make you uncomfortable.โ
โThatโs a long shot, Spencer.โ
โI know, butโฆ itโs notย thatย long. He obviously gets off on itโand besides, he said you were putting on a show, but you werenโtโฆ you werenโtย loud, last night.โ
Heats blossoms in your cheeks and you look down at your lap. โThin walls.โ
โHave you ever heard your neighbors before?โ
You have to seriously think about it.ย
โIโve heard them yellingโฆโ
โNothing else?โ
Again, you consider it. The answer comes as a surprise.ย
โNo.โ
โOkay, soโฆ does that maybe help a little bit? I really, really donโt want you to feel like last night was a mistake in any way, or let anyone ruin it for you.โ
You breathe deeply. โI know. Itโฆ it kinda helps, yeah.โ
His hands come to the top of your legs. Thereโs so much genuine care and concern in his eyes. โYeah?โ
Only when you nod does he relax some. His hands skim your thighs, and you set yours on top of his own. For a few breaths, itโs quiet. And then you laugh.ย
โWhat?โ Spencer asks, a tentative smile curling his own lips like he doesnโt know if he should be concerned or participate in your mirth.ย
โIโI donโt know how to say it without being cheesy,โ you admit, sniffling the last of your tears away and smiling softly down at him.ย
โI think you should say it.โ
You link your fingers with his on your lap, watching the way they twine like itโs what they were meant to do.ย
โI was just thinking about how I had, like, the worst day ever. And how much worse it wouldโve gotten if you didnโt show up when you didโI wouldโve completely spiraled. But you did show up. And how easy it is to kind of compartmentalize, because I have you, and when Iโm withย youโฆ nothing feels as hard. You make the bad things feel smaller, I guess.โ
By the end, it got a lot more real than youโd intended, and your face feels warm, and your stomach is sort of floatyโbut you donโt look away from Spencer. You hold his gaze, though it makes you a little nervous, because you want him to know you mean it.ย
He inhales, like heโs going to say something, but he doesnโtโonly looks at you, like youโre beautiful and impossible and a defiance of everything he thought he knew, which was almost everything. To him, youโre expansive. A gorgeous anomaly.
And then he stands, holding his hands out for you. Without question you take them, and he pulls you to your feet, absorbing the momentum that threatens to topple you, and he wraps his arms around you tightly. So tight you have to laugh.ย
โI love you,โ he says against your shoulder, one hand coming to cradle the back of your head.ย
Your humor softens, but doesnโt become inflexibleโstill tinges your words with the perfect amount of euphoria and relief. โI love you.โ
โThanks,โ he mumbles, and your laughter flares again.ย
โYou donโt have toย thankย me.โ
โBut Iโm grateful. Iโฆ I feel lucky.โ
Always so earnest, soย vulnerable, when youโre least expecting itโwhich should be always, youโre learning. You pull back to look up at him. You donโt want that concession to go unrewarded.ย
โMe too,โ you say softly. Heโs doing that fond thing with his eyes, where theyโre all soft and itโs like heโs trying to take in every millimeter of your face. This time when he goes to touch your hair, you have the wherewithal to dodge it.ย
โYouโre really brave for trying to touch my hair right now.โ
โWhy?โ He asks, utterly bewildered, and the softness of the moment falls away easily, but not without leaving everything smudged and fuzzy around the edges. Everything is still okay. Itโs still good.ย
โBecause itโs dirty,โ you laugh, dodging him again and eventually ducking from the circle of his arms entirely.ย
โOh, your hair is dirty? Should we breakup?โ
โHm. I donโt really like when you take on that tone with me.โ Youโre still half-laughing, dipping and weaving past him toward the bathroom as he tries to get you in his arms again. And then you stop, toes just short of the tile.ย
โWhat is it?โ He asks after another moment. You blink, looking at the shower head as it drips.ย
โUmโwould it be okay if I had a five minute headstart in the shower?โ
โSure. Is everything okay?โ
โItโs fine. I justโฆ I need a minute.โ
His hand skims your waist as he passes by you through the open door. โOkay. Why donโt you grab your stuff and Iโll get the water going again?โ
Soon enough, youโre remembering how much better his water pressure is than yours as you stand under the torrent, eyes closed as if in prayer. You definitely couldโve stood to shower earlier in the day. But you had other concerns, earlier, and besidesโyou were afraid of what you might find.ย
And you were right to be. The sex was nice. The aftermath isnโt quite as pretty.ย
When Spencer taps on the bathroom door, youโre nervous.ย
โYou can come in,โ you call.ย
โYou sure? If you want it all to yourself, thatโs okay too.โ
โNo, no. Itโs fine.โ
The door creaks open, and gently clicks into place again, and fabric rustles as he undresses, and soon the shower curtain is sliding aside and heโs stepping in. Unsurprisingly, the space feels smaller with him in itโbut not small in a bad way. It feels warmer. Again youโre awash in that safe feeling, which you didnโt realize youโd been missing so much today.ย
โHi,โ he smiles, a teasing sliver of what you know to be the most brilliant light in the world, and stunning like the rest of him as you watch the water begin to darken his hair.ย
โHello.โ
His smile flickers briefly wider like youโre his favorite thing and he just canโt contain his joy, and then itโs easing again, giving you a moment to catch your breath.ย
โIs it okay if I touch you?โ
In this alien context the idea has your heart poundingโyou donโt really understand the concept of casual nudity yet, but you know heโll respect your earlier wishes to keep it chaste and so you nod.ย
Spencer doesnโt take you immediately in his arms like youโd expectedโinstead his hands find a rest at your collarbones and carefully push your wet hair back over your shouldersโbut his eyes arenโt cast quite low enough to be indecent. They connect dots over your chest and neck, and he thumbs at one just over your pulse point.ย
โOh, man,โ he laughs, and you think you detect a hint of self-deprecation. โThatโsโฆ wow, I didnโt realize Iโฆ sorry. They donโt hurt, do they?โ
Itโs your turn to smile as heโs suddenly over-concerned.ย
โNo, they donโt hurt.โ
โGood.โ He looks relieved, but it doesnโt last as his eyes trace lowerโthough you donโt sense any hunger in it. Heโs just taking you in. โHow about everywhere else?โ
โUmโฆ itโs not bad. Kind of, likeโฆ I donโt know. Sore. But itโs not bad.โ
โStill?โ He frowns, clearly unfazed by your evident embarrassment on the subject. You shrug and avert your eyes.ย
โItโs fine. it was worse earlier, so.โ
That does not have the calming effect youโd intended.ย
โWorse? 1-10, howโโ
โSpencer, itโs fine, I promise. Itโs only when Iโwhen I move certain ways, I notice. Honestly theโฆ bloodโฆ was way more disconcerting to me.โ
โYeah, I saw your bedโฆ sorry for ruining your sheets. Iโll buy you new ones.โ
You shrug, watching the water run in rivulets down your arm and branch off into tributaries and waterfalls from your fingers. โYou donโt have to do that. It was a collaborative effort.โ
Normally this conversation would have you melting into an embarrassed puddle, but something about the tile cocoon of the shower, the humid fog, the proximity, feels safe. The white noise of water on porcelain, the warmth. You go to him at the same time as he comes to youโhis arms around your waist, yours slung over his shoulders. Your eyes flutter shut. Falling asleep standing up has never seemed so plausible until now.ย
He presses a kiss to your head. You sigh.ย
โUgh. I donโt want to deal with washing my hair.โ
โI can do it,โ Spencer immediately offers. You frown.ย
โI wasโyou donโt have to. I didnโt mean to make it sound like I was asking.โ
โI know you didnโt.โ
โItโs a process.โ
โI understand.โ
โYou would have to do it exactly how I say.โ
โI am willing to learn. I like taking care of you.โ
Youโre glad for the hot water, then, and as he washes your hair. Youโre not sure if youโre crying at the tenderness of his touch, or the way he loves you like youโre easy to love. Youโre too tired to explain it.ย
He doesnโt push you, because he never pushes you.ย
He just washes your hair.ย












