The Manimal Files

Remember that final chapter I wrote about L? It seemed a bit rushed, don’t you think? I guess it was just my way of not wanting to deal with it. But, really, what else is new?

Due to my inactivity on this blog, I don’t remember if I wrote about L after that “final chapter”.

Flashback time. June 2016, to be exact.

I was on a bus on my way to work just right after I had gotten back from a trip to Berlin…. With another Jack (But that’s another story.). It had been three months since L ghosted me and once you experience heartbreak after heartbreak, fuck up after fuck up, you tend to look back on your life and think about where you went wrong. 

That bus ride was one of those moments. I had gone on a trip with the other Jack in an attempt to forget why I was hurting. But because it didn’t heal from the pain- shocker- I just couldn’t take my mind off L.

I fiddle with my phone and scroll over his name.

The digital age just makes everything less romantic, I swear.

Should I text him?

Yup. Who has time to listen to their brain.

I type out a whole paragraph on Whatsapp, pouring my heart out and saying it was unfair of him to leave my hanging like that.

Dignity has most definitely left the building.

I send it and set my phone down because, let’s be real, if he ignored you before, he can most certainly ignore you now.

My screen lights up,

Oh, what’s that? A notification?

I tremble, but I open it. To my utter shock, he responds.

… with yet again a lengthy, seemingly heartfelt message about how he was wrong, yada yada, charming as usual, has a way with words yada yada. Classic L.

I ring him.

He hangs up.

What the actual fuck?

He says something along the lines of “Give me a minute. I want to do this properly.”.

I anxiously wait.

The phone rings.

Hello?

My memory fails me because this was a long time ago and I’m finding it hard to remember the exact words we said. All I can recall is that I was overwhelmed with emotion- alternating between sadness and anger, sometimes relief and joy or all of those at the same time.

He told me he had met someone but things didn’t turn out the way he would’ve wanted. He said that he was told he was just a blip in that other person’s life.

Serves him right, I thought.

I was furious. Excuse me? I’m sad about you and you’re busy being sad about someone else? And you actually have the audacity to tell me about it? The nerve.

I asked him why he disappeared so suddenly. He said he was going through some troubles, and that he thought leaving wouldn’t be a big deal.

I was flabbergasted. How could you think that? Exchange sweet nothings and talk about your hopes and dreams for months on end and think that it wouldn’t hurt if you just left at the drop of a hat? Man, you’re thick.

What do you want to do, I asked him.

I want to keep talking to you.

I melted.

I guess things really do work out when you’re meant to be.

Or so I thought.

X

It’s been a long time since I came around,

It’s been a long time, but I’m back in town.

Really, Alice? Opening with a Lady Gaga song? To be fair, it’s one of my favorite songs so why not. Okay, no more rambling. Let’s get down to business…

To deafeat the huns!

Alice, shut up. This is a serious matter. You can’t keep stalling. ADHD, much.

It’s about time I got the word vomit out, since I’ve been avoiding doing so for the last couple of years. Honestly, why do I do this to myself? Art shouldn’t be a product of depression or a consequence of feeling lost in life. Shame.

I was skimming through some old entries on here and it seems like the last time I talked about my relationship, I was in LaLa Land. Little did I know that after the one year, even two year mark, reality starts to hit. And I find that even more so now at almost four years. Being in a long-term relationship is no longer about that can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of feeling. It’s about being there for each other even during the most mundane moments of your lives. It can also be about having 45-minute arguments about things that are seemingly small, but become important once you start living together.

Not saying that love necessarily fades, but it can be a challenge to find ways to make your lives exciting and not be tempted to fall into a routine. To be completely honest, for the first three years, I felt myself becoming entirely co-dependent and almost losing a sense of who I was. It’s as if my days consisted of dreading when he would leave for work and desperately waiting for him to come back. Like a puppy. But no one wants to be a puppy, right?

I feel like this had to do a lot with the way I felt about myself. 2019 was pretty rough, emotionally but I got through it. 2020 is the year I decided to get my shit together, (again. Always. What can I say, I always think there’s room for improvement) but covid-19 had other plans.

I’m glad I’m becoming more than just my relationship again. I’m going back to my hobbies and I’m taking steps to improve my career. I also fell in love with something new- yoga.

Even when you’re with someone, it’s important to never lose track of who you are.

Despite all the existential crises, I feel safe and understood… which is a lot more than most people have.

Cheers,

Not that anyone cares, but hey, it’s me, Alice.

It’s been forever since I last looked at this blog, or wrote for that matter. I’m quite rusty.

Let’s say a lot has happened in the past 3 years and I haven’t had the time or the will to write about my sketchy past.

I guess Mary feels the same way.

Even though I’m a “new person”, doesn’t mean I can’t use this space to practice my craft and maybe work on my memory. I haven’t been so good at that lately.

‘Til next time. Toodles.

I think I’ve already mentioned I unfollow guys I stop seeing. Just because I don’t want to be updated with their lives anymore. A good friend told me I have no business seeing their posts, and by god, unfollow and unfriend them if you have to. NBD.

This might seem as a cop out for some -- I seem hurt and insecure. True. I could be jealous too.

I visited John # 1′s Facebook (LOL finally) after over a year if I’m not mistaken. And I’m so glad to see how happy he is. Again my memory escapes me if I already mentioned this, but he did get back together with his ex.

He and I, we’re friends, that I remember talking about -- us still talking until today. It’s nice to finally get to a point where years have passed and obviously, everything’s in the past now. He’s happy and my heart (no shit) is happy too.

And about Milo (Thatcher). I also looked at his profile. He has been friends with this girl which makes me so jealous. They obviously get along and have shit in common. I’m jealous. IDK I’ve long been thinking they have a thing, I’m not sure. I shouldn’t care anymore. But TBH, it still hurts me inside. I must’ve really liked him. Fuck me right? 

It’s been over a year too since I met him. It’s so weird how I’m still having “feelings” for him. Again, fuck me. I must’ve really liked the guy. WHY THOUGH. Set me free! Haha. But really.

I’ve met other guys, okay, I’ve had that HAPA guy -- well actually just him. I’ve stopped using Tinder when I met him also over a year ago.

Over dinner

Had dinner with my best friend and we were talking about Tinder and guys.

She said, “Oh I saw that [Hapa] guy here (where we were currently eating). I thought he looked familiar...” 

She continued, “...He was on a date!”

Thing is, my best friend’s tone was oddly concerned -- that I might feel off, even if the situation between that guy and I were purely business. She knows me. 

I replied first bit interested, “Ah yeah? When?”

She said, “Weeks ago, probably March.” (It’s almost the last week of April).

I said, “Ah well yeah, last time he (still) messaged me was three weeks ago. I told him I didn’t want this kind of relationship anymore. He replied “:( ok” 

I continued, “I told him to give up on this in January; he only understood that I really did mean it, in April...”

After that conversation I was briefly bummed out...

I couldn’t believe my ego...

Analysis Paralysis

Tell me why the hell should I be upset -- well to be specific, jealous, that he was seeing someone else (in March!), when I’ve discarded him in January? I don’t have the fucking right... I was the one who ended it.

This is really shitty -- a classic case of “you wish your ex isn’t doing well, so you somehow feel better about yourself”.

Well fuck me right? 

I realized the reason I was upset was because a part of me wished he’s unable to find someone other than me, because I’m that great, and no one comes close.

Again, fuck me and my ego. 

It’s true, I’m insecure. 

Too romantic, too passionate

I told my best friend back in January that I wished I were in love with him so I didn’t have to end things, and that even if it were difficult I would run back to him because I’m in love with him, even if we were just friends with benefits. 

Crazy, right? That’s so romcom. It’s a sad escape to just want to end up with someone. I’m in love with the idea of having someone in my life, but not him.

I’ve confused romance with infatuation and passion for love. I got it all wrong. I’m too idealistic. It’s like listening to something but not really hearing it.

Am I even making any sense?

In a shocking turn of events I am back. TBH I’ve stopped writing because:

1. I’ve been avoiding.

2. Also been busy as hell

In between work and grad school falls this, a tiny piece of me that tells a story of what went down between this guy and I. What now this time, right?

First thing’s first

First, I’ve been avoiding because I’m a bit of a dude. I hate dealing with things sometimes. You know how guys don’t break up with you? They just act all shitty ‘til you sense it, so you eventually have to be the one to deal and break up with them? 

Anyway, about that and writing about it, I didn’t want to face the fact that I, well, we had really ended things. I just knew I wouldn’t enjoy writing about it.

Second, Being busy is the perfect excuse. Work and school have been my shield. School is great, work is ok (I want to think it’s good but, I’m not too much of a fan). Excuse the personal, non-relationship stories, just need to share that part too because it gets frustrating.

State of the union

So what’s going on with me now and the past guys I’ve been dating?

1. Hapa guy

AKA my ultimate fubu relationship. It had to come to an end. I told him I’m not interested in that kind of relationship anymore. Funny thing ‘cause he’s so insistent we “get back together”. Get you a real man like that tho. Props. It’s “too bad” but suddenly I just felt like the relationship is not worth it anymore. It’s been over half a year with him. 

2. Milo

The only messages he sends me are about work. The relationship went from 100 to 0 real fast. At least I think that’s what happened. You know that feeling when someone used to be someone in your life and all of a sudden they aren’t anymore? 

His friends are friendly -- to me. Why can’t he be that way instead? 

3. John #1

We’re still talking on random occasions. Proof that you can still be “friends” with someone you dated (and loved). We talk about what seems to be trivial stuff for some people -- school, TV series, and adult-ing. 

I don’t know what level of friends we are but I guess we still care about each other to talk like rational human beings (at least this time). That makes me think he and I are really just better off with brief encounters. All my relationships are, I think. Ouch.

And I don’t want to be cynical about him; he really just sends me message to ask how’s it going every now and then. I appreciate it.

Is It Weird

I think all guys I dated, considering I genuinely liked them -- well, I’d still appreciate hearing from them every now and then. IDK why I feel that way. Is it weird? Do I appreciate human connections too much? Is it just the friendship I’m after?

I woke up to a post on one of my old Facebook groups. Ever since I moved, it's been hard to find friends. Man, do I miss those girls.

One of my friends is doing a creative project about hookups and she asked us about our experiences. It brought me back my first hookup. I don't think of it as a fond memory, just a rite of passage and the consequence of being an overly-curious 20-year-old.

I've been putting this off for a while, but when I think about it, it's what started it all. It happened in May 2013. I've always been a prude, but I figured since I was 20 I should start getting some experience. It was in Boracay with a teammate. We ran into each other at a party. I always thought he was cute so I immediately jumped at the chance when he showed interest in me. I drank a little too much, which was why I was so ballsy. We went back to his place and just as we got there, I ran straight to the bathroom, threw up and puked a blue puddle all over the floor. I tried to clean up the mess with towels, he kept knocking on the door asking if he could pee and if I was okay. I didn't want to let him in but after a while I did. He was like, “Wtf happened here?” Then he pees in the shower while I peed in the toilet. Classy. I thought any chance of action was over by then. He gave me a shower because he felt bad, then dressed me in his clothes. We went to lie down on his bed and we watched TV. After a while he asked, "Is this boring?". I said yeah and we started making out. He tried to have sex with me but I refused, without telling him I was a virgin. In the end, he got off and I didn't His drunk roommate also walked in when we were done. He even saw the mess I made in the bathroom and said, “WTF did you guys party in here?”. Safe to say, I hid under the blanket the whole night and silently left the morning after.

I felt pretty proud of myself, like I was finally more of a woman and that people could see this light around me. Whatever. I found out he lied to me about being single but even after that thee was some part of me that couldn't resist. We continued the fling when we got back to Manila. I went over to his house to "watch a movie" (Netflix and chilling before it was cool) but then we moved to the bed. He just wanted to have sex and get off. I didn't like it because he was selfish and also because I knew it wasn't right. He tried to contact me a bit after but eventually I stopped replying.

This was like the gateway experience, it opened me to the hookup culture, and I tried to convince myself it was okay, and that I was doing it to "empower" myself. Personally, I think I might've put myself in so much danger meeting guys on Tinder just to fill a void. I even ended up having a long distance relationship for a year, and even went on a trip with another a met from there I decided it was enough. I met some strange people and I have to admit I thought these encounters would amount to something. Once I started truly putting myself first, that's when I found something real.. and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

One thing I’ve discovered about being in a relationship is that I have literally the best sex ever. I’m joking. But not really. I’m gonna get all sappy and say it’s more than just sex; it’s about feeling even more connected to the person you’re with.

There’s rarely drama with G but it’s still not always rainbows and unicorns. There’s always a douche or two who tries to weasel their way in. There are moments we feel like straying, but we always choose each other in the end. Plus I’m so used to being alone and I have a hell of a lot to work on that sometimes I feel having all these issues means I don’t deserve to be with anyone. In fact, we’re both getting used to each other and the idea of not being single.

It’s difficult to absorb the concept that we’re no longer alone. That we don’t always have to resolve things on our own, because we’ve got each other. It’s nice to have someone always rooting for you.

To lighten the mood from that sad, sappy, falling out post:

Milo has a friend, kinda cute, but not my type. Video called me three nights ago. That was so fucking random. But fun. We were both drunk. But strangely coherent. It was one hell of a decent conversation.

My friends think it was weird of him to randomly video call so late on a Thursday night. I wouldn’t mind it happening again. But what was it about exactly? The context? What does he want to happen? 

My guy friend thinks he’s into me. My other friends do too. I hate being an airhead but then again why does a guy simply talk to a girl? I’ve slipped down that slope before assuming guys are just friendly. I’m never correct.

He has been initiating conversations anyway. Which is kinda cute. He has a way of being cute, but surely not in the same way Milo does it. Milo is a bit of an angel TBH. So precious. But this guy... Is a bit strange, but charming. We don’t talk a lot but I remember some of the cute things he’s said to me. 

What do I call him? Calvin. He has nice, wavy, brunette hair and scruff which I called Jesus beard once. I met him a week after I met Milo.

I’m wondering if he suspects Milo and I have/had a thing, or if he told Milo he called me. How much of friends are they? Yes they hang out, live in the same city, work together... Are we seeing the complication now? *sings High School Musical -- We’re All In This Together” 

So about the title. Calvin is 3 years younger than me. FFS. He’s a year older than Milo. Do the math. Alice says that says something about me--attracting the youngins. Lol. Do I give off the childish, immature vibe that appeals to them? 

Fucking cheers.

I won’t go into details but we’re over. That guy Milo. 

This is just fucking exhausting. Usually I’d be all chipper and optimistic like, “be glad it happened”, “some things aren’t meant to be”, “it was good while it lasted”, “you had fun”, but I am just not in the mood.

This is something I’ve projected from the beginning and here we are. Fucking salty. I’m bummed out. I know he is too. 

I never thought this day would come, but Alice has left officially Wonderland and is now in LaLa Land– where stable relationships reign. Seriously, I never thought I’d get here. Just two months ago, I was a mess someone left behind- both inconsolable and insufferable (see: pain in the ass). It also doesn’t help that everything seems harder when you’re 24.

The moment I stopped caring and started working on myself, that’s when everything started falling into place. They say that’s how it usually works, but we never listen, do we? Instead I was so focused on chasing a useless fantasy. I was prepared to risk it all ‘til something… someone better came along. Let’s call him G.

Who’s to say it wouldn’t have worked out with L. It damn well could have. But you have to let go of the old to make room for what you want. The way things unfolded with G was enough to prove that L wasn’t worth it. He was never worth it. G treats me right, and now I know why it never worked out with anyone else.

So that Hapa guy. I’ve decided not to see him anymore because something stupid happened and I hate it. Let’s just say I had to go to the hospital for this. Not the first time it happened.

But I saw him again. This is the fourth time we’ve gone out. It’s a record--lol. I haven’t seen/gone out with a guy that many times. Stating the obvious but like, he’s really nice and we get along. Such a chill guy. He’d probably be a good boyfriend if circumstances were different.

Our last 2 dates were dinner + Netflix in bed. So chill. I like it.

Not gonna say much. My friends were teasing me about him. I said he’s just a fubu and I really believe he is. No attachment/feelings there. I don’t go looking for him--unlike other guys I actually like, even if I think it’s just infatuation.

So it's been a little over a month since I've had that thing with Milo. Over two weeks ago I was fretting he's already over me. I don't want to believe in jinxing things but like, I just want to take back the thought that he's over me. I think what I sensed that time is that we're both having second thoughts on how this "relationship" works/will work, given the tight circumstances of work and living thousands of miles away from each other.

NBD, just currently enjoying it with him. I know he is too. This is a reminder for overthinkers like me to take a breather and chill the fuck out. I get it, you have a crush, it's nuts. But really, just enjoy it (while it lasts). And if it doesn't last, it's not really meant to be (as with a lot of things in life--until you find what or who's really meant for you). It blows, but you'll get over it. And remember, it has been hella fun. Hella.

Cheers.

P.S. Milo is a fucking cutie. And you know what's even better? (Well not really but kind of--almost) Finally got to finish that report I had to nail down. You know, things just fall into place sometimes. Remember that, always. 

xx

Timing is a bitch and I’ve got two stories to prove it.

Part I - Dean

Let’s rewind to the start of June.

I went on a trip with this guy– let’s call him Dean. We met in December while he was on vacation (Story of my life, bitches.)– which meant he had to leave (ugh) but we kept in touch. He lived in Madrid- which was where I was going in July but he said he wouldn’t be around so we decided to meet in Berlin a month earlier.

That weekend arrived and we were both stoked to meet again but when we got there… it wasn’t what I’d expected. It all seems trite to delve into but what we had fizzled out. He didn’t seem thrilled by the place. Sure, he was sick but he didn’t even try to make the most out of the trip and I left bummed.

Fast forward to my Madrid trip- turns out he mixed up the dates and was actually in town. We met up again and surprisingly we were talking non-stop, like our first date. He took me out and I slept at his place two nights in a row. He tried something but nothing happened; because I couldn’t let anything happen (more on why later) but I’m glad I got some clarity and I left with us in good terms.

Chapter II – L

No now let’s rewind again.

Berlin was always one of those places L and I wanted to visit together. Shallow as it sounds, I guess my Berlin trip was a big FUCK YOU to him but after what he did to me. But alas, as I made my way to work, the Monday that trip ended… In a moment of weakness, I reached out to him. It wasn’t fair to me- to the mess he left behind. I was prepared to be ignored again…

but then he replied.

Then came the apologies. A phone call. His reasons were as I suspected but he could have just told me the truth. We talked a lot and decided to keep talking after that call; to finally give things a go. To make it work. For a while it was like a dream come true and we were making plans to see each other again. He took leaves in December and so did I.

I was planning to do a big report for work today but I'm this bothered that I've decided to blog instead. It sucks. Why am I low key eaten up by paranoia?

Milo saw a snap of me talking to another guy guilt-tripping me to going out with them for drinks. This other guy--Milo had already told him about me--that I'm a crazy unprofessional drunk. Lol. Fun times.

Later that night (I had already fallen asleep), Milo messaged me asking me if I've gone out. I didn't because I had an early appointment the next day. So I reply no, saying why, and asking him how his night was, because he sent me a snap of his night.

It took me hours to reply (at least when I've woken up), and he didn't reply to me at all--but he did send me a snap (as usual) of what he's up to.

So I assume he's busy. He IS a busy guy. That's why I feel giddy when he sends me a message. On weekdays we don't get to talk much, but at least for the past 2 weekends we have talked a decent a amount.

I am clearly over-thinking. Again. Fuck this. It's just that a lot of things are going on in my head right now. Just because he's only clearly living his life. I think:

1. He doesn't like me anymore.

2. He's into someone else.

3. He's busy.

4. He thinks I suck--apparently.

I want him out of my head already. Crushes suck. But then humor me. I might be over-reacting and over-thinking. He might just be really busy. But we've gone this "far" from that night.

This rant is to remind myself that he's leading his own company. And to begin with, I’ve already decided he will be and already is too busy to have a proper relationship. Did I forget that important part. What was I thinking? What were we thinking at some point? No regrets--we're still friends though, but here I am again, slowly sliding into the thought of losing someone I kind of actually like. Not the first time it happened anyway. But I hate it each time, I hate it a little less, but it doesn't suck any less.

Because I have to. I think.

Why do I have to overthink things? But it’s happening. As usual. Trying not to.

Two guys one night.

Hapa. Punk.

Aussie. Milo Thatcher. That’s how he looks like.

I give up. I can’t get Milo Thatcher* out of my head. I have a huge crush on him. Then we almost hooked up.

Good thing we didn’t. Don’t shit where you eat. It complicates things. We both agreed to that multiple times. We also kissed multiple times.

Did I mention I have a crush on him? So it felt like magic (at least on my part, lol, sigh). Alcohol is magic. FTR, he hit on me first. I can’t hit on a guy first, especially when I have a crush on him--it just, comes with how shy I am.

“Is this really happening?”, I thought to myself when he said, “Where’s your hand?”, when I held on to it when we went back inside the pub.

“I can’t believe it--we’re holding hands!”. LOL, I reacted like a teenage girl in my head, as usual.

He was ordering drinks and we were still holding hands. I was casually dying inside.

I’m skipping parts of this story because there’s just so many details I vaguely remember despite the alcohol. 

He gave me a peck on the lips. He has the softest lips. This is crazy, I thought. I can’t believe this guy I like kissed me. Is this the liquid courage? Ha-ha.

You know how that feels like? When someone you like, likes you back? Magic. Fireworks.

Again, we were both intoxicated, so I don’t really know what to make of it, as in, it seems silly to react this way... It makes me feel silly to react this way. But he remembers it. We both do. But TBH I want to know what he thinks of it. I’d be hurt if I found out he regretted it. I didn’t. I’d regret it if we slept together. I think we both would that’s why we didn’t. That’d ruin things. He already feels like a friend to me. We kind of work together.

Back in his hotel he said, “I had this rule. No one from work. No one.” We both think it’s a terrible idea. It didn’t stop us from kissing in the restaurant after we left the pub, and while walking back to his hotel, and in the elevator. “Terrible idea”, we muttered, but we were still walking together, to his room.

When he said “no one from work” we were already in bed. About to sleep. No shit. Just close contact. We were hugging. And kissing. Til we fell asleep.

I left at 630AM. He was completely passed out. He messaged me a little later that morning, apologizing for being out of line, and saying he hopes I got home safely.

Weird enough, all that matters to me is that we stay friends. And for nothing to be awkward between us. He’s still running on my mind. I think I’m infatuated. But that’s what crushes are, right?

I feel like telling more about that night... He got me all giddy, with how he sneaked a kiss, or two, or three, more, and how cute and tall he is, and how much fun banter we have. Savage, we call it. Fuck, I already miss him (or the idea of him). But I shouldn’t.

It was so much fun, and I’m still in a small state of disbelief, and I’m screaming inside like a teenage girl. I have a crush on him! Taking out real, adult feelings there, let’s just say I’m happy he and I had this, thing. I mean, these kinds of things rarely happen. I have a crush on the guy for god’s sake. How did a few conversations--first conversation on a Tuesday night end up being this way on a Saturday morning? We’ve only had a few good conversations in a span of 4 days. That’s only how much it took. From friends, to whatever this is, hopefully still friends.

The conversations and events aren’t as crazy with the hapa guy. The Punk. But fun, nonetheless. I kinda like him too. We’ve went out a couple of times. The last time we went out was the same night as the Milo Thatcher extravaganza night, as I’ve mentioned earlier. Funny enough, he was teasing me about Milo because I told him I kinda like Milo. I said it’s a crazy idea (Milo and I)--but look what had happened.