i cant make you love me

Self harm hides herself in remission. she wears a bright pink coat and tells me to not take advil for my headache, to run longer than I should. I take an extra class because she told me to. I don’t buy groceries. Self harm grows up in remission and she turns into self sabotage but I know why I picked up an extra shift. My mom doesn’t see scars on me anymore, but they’re painted under my eyes because I don’t need sleep, remember? Need and deserve aren’t as different as you might think. I sit and let my back ache for longer than I should. It’s a dangerous game of testing how much I can take, I know there’s no winner and I know what the prize looks like.

Ever since i watched the movie her I haven’t been able to stop thinking about if I’ve felt all the emotions I will ever feel and if everything else is just lesser versions of that. I think its true. Everyone always acts like suicide is an act of vengeance towards the people around them. Its an act of vengeance against myself. I hate who I’ve turned into. I let myself turn into that, I just don’t think theres a way to fix it. It’s like being shackled to your worst enemy for the rest of your life, except you’re the one that put the shackles on and then lost the key. I’m just so, so tired. Everything feels like a circle, I don’t want to come back around to feeling like this again. I’m sick of getting caught up in people and using them to make me feel something. I don’t know how to exist on my own. I’m so sick of feeling like sadness is a ground state, thats fucking stupid! I’m sick of putting myself through a refining process before I present myself, what the fuck is that? People have no idea what it’s like to feel like you need to apologize to everyone you interact with. “Sorry, I should’ve killed myself when I was 14, back when the timing would’ve been right. I shouldn’t even be here right now. My bad”. I’ve spent so many years trying to make myself as miserable as I can, trying to test how much I can make myself take and acting like I’m not the one doing it. People think people kill themselves because no one cares about them. Thats stupid. I know how many people care about me and I hate it. You really want to care about this? There’s nothing worth caring about here. I’m sorry.

imagine preparing a meal w your lover in the home y’all made into a sanctuary together and you’re chopping up some vegetables or stirring a pot and you feed them a carrot or gently spoon some soup in their mouth to check if it needs more salt.. ... . ... yea .love is real i promise

critical thinking skills are cancelled ! they have now been replaced with the constant desire to hold hands with someone

I don’t want to beg. You know desperation sits heavy in me. But everything I do, everything I say. You have to know. You have to know. I’m foaming at the mouth. Begging you not to love anyone else.

I find the concept of growing in love so much prettier than love at first sight?? like one day you look at someone and you suddenly realize you see them in a different light than you did the night before. that’s falling.