The Lost Pedestrian

I have not thought any thoughts lately that I would willingly think or express or communicate. If what I was thinking truly were thoughts … well, does a worry count as a thought. Because I have millions of those. I keep churning them out and I will keep churning them out until it feels like a good time to stop. Thing is, it always feels like a good time to stop. But I worry. I worry that if I…

it’s Sunday. it’s drizzling. I am not quite awake. The dog is sleeping in his crate. I never asked or even moderately hinted for him to go to his crate. I can tell he wants to be alone. He lays there curled up in a little ball in the back of the crate. I told him not to let himself be alone for too long because then it becomes a habit–and it’s difficult to break that habit. I can tell he wants…

Today I had a meeting with my boss’s boss, convinced I would either be demoted, or terminated, or phased out (whatever that means). But it turns out I was being offered sort of a promotion. It was the first time in a long long while where I expected really really bad to happen that ended up not happening. I say “really really” because it’s kind of a process. Expecting the worst. Outcome: not…

Each day for the past 40 or so years, I stare at a computer screen, looking for answers, waiting for answers, and maybe the answers are there inside, but I will never know because I can never remember the questions. Or why I sat down at the computer in the first place.

I think I made this huge huge mistake almost 3 years ago when I decided it was time to get a dog. I am getting close to the age of retirement and I have no savings to retire on because it all goes to the dog. I guess it’s worth it if the dog outlives me, which is possible. As long as he has a comfortable life, I guess I have done my job.

today was a very eventful day because I cannot think of one thing that happened in it. I thought about swimming. but didn’t I thought about working. but didn’t I thought about going out to hear music. but didn’t I thought about cleaning the aquarium. but didn’t. I thought about attempting to repair something I have no idea how to repair. but didn’t. I thought about answering the phone when…

Lately when I awaken, there’s this dull music playing in my head on a loop (I mean, the music. not my head) that stays with me all day. it’s not a melody I recognize, but I must have heard it from somewhere. but I don’t know where. Or why. That was me by the way. My current voice after 4 hours of sleep last night. maybe that’s what happens. the shorter, the sleep, the duller the melody, the…

Today was one of those good days in which no one is trying to con me into some sort of crypto scheme. Those days are becoming rarer and I am learning to take advantage of days such as this as best as I am able. For example today I invested in a really excellent box of cereal. Gluten-free. And I still have enough money left over to pay for toothpaste.

It sounds like my dog is having a nightmare. He’s in deep sleep and making sort of a whimpering sound. And now I’m starting whimper. There was a rabies scare at his doggy daycare center and at first I thought he may have been infected. And that I might then get infected. But now that so many days have passed, my rabies fears have subsided–and both my dog and I find ourselves whimpering more than…

I’m having hearing issues. I mean, robotic hearing issues. My “AI-powered” hearing aids started randomly turning on and off. Since I also have attention or lack of attention issues, I wonder if this is another situation where the AI is tapping into my brain and turning on and off in sync with my attention span. I guess that is possible. And then there’s my shoulder issues that are also related…

I’m in LA. Perpetual rain for the past 5 days. On the eve of 2026. It’s 2026 and I am still waiting for my life to begin. Maybe that could be my New Year’s resolution: Begin your life. I’m not sure how it would start. Maybe it would be akin to walking into a movie theater, 30 minutes late. And the movie has a very complicated plot line you can never quite catch up to before it ends. And then…

atrophied. that’s me. that’s me as a writer. as a creator. it’s so apparent to everyone who is me. there’s no hiding it. I had this fleeing, but not fleeting idea to put together a compilation of writing to publish as a book, some of this writing which I can’t even recall ever writing. or which I would rather not recall ever writing. some of which should never have seen the light of day or…

At the risk of sounding clichéd, which is a huge huge risk for someone like me, I am struggling to keep track of all of the things I have forgotten. I have not only forgotten what I was going to type, but I have forgotten how to type. I don’t even think about typing anymore. It feels like a lost art. When I look back on the days when my typing was at it’s best, when I was in a typing groove,…

It’s really funny (not ha-ha funny) how the presence of certain people on a bus can be so absorbing. Like certain people want the attention of all of the uncertain people on the bus. Maybe they are more lonely than I. I am tempted to ask them, but that would only reinforce their need for attention. So my not telling them about my loneliness or anything else I might be feeling or thinking is…

What happened? What brought me here? Did someone give me tenure? I never even submitted a portfolio. So strange I am walking in some sort of shell. The roar of traffic patterns. So comforting. The most comforting roar imaginable. Other than the sea. I don’t really think I deserve tenure. The Review Committee must have been asleep. Or on mushrooms. But didn’t deserve it. Mediocrity has caught…

I like to think of myself as the kind of person who always keeps their promises in spite of all evidence to the contrary. I cannot think of a single promise I have ever kept in my entire life. Not to you. Not to me. Not to anyone. The kinds of promises I make are not tethered to anything material or immaterial. I would not even consider them to be promises. Maybe they are intentions, but if they…

I found this unpublished post in my Drafts folder on WordPress. My ghost surprised me with a Valentine’s Day text today. I do not really know what to make of it. I could have responded with something like “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be ghost? I thought that ghosts were above this sort of thing.” Maybe there should there should be a separate Ghost Valentine’s Day. Which could be observed by…