TheLoft_Poetry

I wonder what your doing now,  I wonder where you are, How your days going, Did you stop drinking? Did you stop letting all those guys hit you? Did you stop hitting back? But there's no way you could ever tell me You're done with me How i am, you. 

There's so much I kept from you, Remember that boy you banned me from seeing?  We stayed together for two years and got engaged.  He was controlling. She's trans now. 

I self harm, i have anxiety, i've battled with eating disorders for years trying to cope with the insecurities of being a teenage girl. But it wasn't just the negativity that i was so desperate to hide

Every first date, Every first kiss, Every, last, kiss, My first drop of alcohol, My first cigarette, Every dance rehearsal and stage show, I hid.

And i still keep myself hidden.

You wouldn't know about the late nigjt conversations i have about the boy who doesn't reply or that time i met sam smith an English singer.. in Amsterdam. 

You wouldn't know how many photos ive taken, How many songs I've sung, How many competitions I've entered, Let alone the ones i've actually won. 

You wouldn't know because no one else does. Well, no one that really matters.

I flood social media in the hope that new followers can fill the void you left #atleastsomeonetakinganinterest

But i am sick of being THAT teenage girl

I dont want to feel sorry I dont want to feel guilty For leaving behind someone that i can still hear shouting at me  Who i can still feel slapping my face Who i can still still see throwing glass at me.. 

Before you get to know me, You need to understand that I am more than the female stereotype.  Just because I have curves doesn't mean I like to show them off and You need to realise that, no matter how hard life gets.  I save myself.  You do not get to be the one who rescues me, Because even though I have anxiety,  it doesn't make me your Hollywood cliche. 

Yes, anxiety is difficult.  and yes, there's days when I just want you to hold me but anxiety isn't glamorous. 

Anxiety is panic attacks at 3am,  Anxiety is forgetting to eat, actually anxiety isn't eating at all because somehow I got it into your head that everything I wear draws attention to the body parts I just hate.  Anxiety is the catalyst to eating disorders but anxiety isn't me.  I am not my 'illness'. So when you get to know me, try to remember this, because I will break you.  We'll get to the part where I have to explain my past and without even realising I will push you away but still say I love you. I will do something that will hurt you so badly and I'll never find a way to make it up to you. I'll get jealous of people you constantly assure me are your friends, simply because I've been hurt before. I'll make you want to give up and you'll say you're done which is why I'll be afraid of starting again..

But....

I’m a screw up.

I always seem to say or do the wrong thing, And I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, Then get forced to take the blame when it actually wasn’t me this time.

I can never seem to live up to anyone’s expectations of me, That have been set so high, Even the valedictorian of Harvard wouldn’t even be able to reach them, And I’m always going to be that screw up, Because I can never take the pressure put on me.

I won’t be what society wants, I won’t have perfect grades or perfect teeth, I won’t get the perfect guy, Because I will probably talk too much about politics. On my first date. I won’t fit into that size 8 dress And you’ll never ever catch me in a bikini They're just too much like underwear.

When a girl tells you she loves you, She means it So don’t take it forgranted.                    Because it will be hard for her to say, As every moment leading up to this                                             She’s been hurt in ways you don’t want to imagine.  So when she finally gets around to telling you she loves you...

Believe it.

Believe every word that comes from her lipsticked mouth, Because when a girl tells you she loves you, it’s a promise to the both of you.  She’s promising to be there when you need her most,                           She’s promising to stop running and start fighting for the relationship you’ve risked everything for.

She’s promising that no matter what life throws your way she’ll always come back to you because you are supposed to be together.                                                             You’re soulmates You’re family.

Hey how are you?  I ask for the millionth time.  I like the look of you and kind of want to get to know you but instead of being upfront,  I'll Brendon Urie gif you instead... That gets me.. no reply.. again. 

HA HA HA

World swallow me whole,  I'm back on Tinder because I think my crush is taken? I want to know what happened to having decent conversation,  Did it die along with the twenty something, attractive, emotionally available, I'll fuck a women sexual male?

Whose older than me, now that I can't do men my own age.  Trust me, I've tried.  It always ends with a really awkward goodbye, after being forced to have disappointing sex in the back of a car,  because they still live at home with parents, so we never get to do it in actual bed. 

Yet.  Here.  I. Am. 

Still staring at your profile on my phone for what feels like an age,  trying to figure out which person you could be in that embarrassing group photo.  Only to realise I prefer the look of your best mate. I don't like the way you don't seem to be wearing socks with your shoes, in any of your photos.  Dude, seriously what the fuck are those? 

Minutes pass with silence, 

But I wait a little longer to see what you'll come out with next,  do I risk sending you another gif?

When you’re lieing there next to me, There’s something about your eyes, There’s something about the way you look at me, That makes me think I can take on the world.  You make me feel like I can do anything,  I can be whatever I want to be.

I'm like Taylor Swift.  Shit. Everything I write has to be in Red because apparently blue pen isn't good enough for me. It never will be. I can't let myself underline your name in blue cos it hurts too much.

I knew this was going to be trouble yet it still feels like there's a bullet going straight through my heart but the old Carly isn't dead yet cos I don't have the guts to pull the trigger and put this all to an end. 

Instead the guns in your hands, because you already knew the bad blood between us is about other guys. Other guys who mean nothing to me.

I look at them the way Taylor Swift looks at Jay-z. So do you really think I’m going to look at them the way I look at you? Because I look at you the way she looks at Joe Alwyn or Calvin Harris I would name drop taylor Lautner but you’ve never seen twilight  So you won’t understand it when I say I’m team Dan instead of Jacob or Edward.

There’s no real competition You mean more to me than…. Cheesy chips You mean more to me than the arrow, the flash, felicity, Don Lockwood, Eponine, Mark Cohen, Brad, Janet, Mia and Sebastian, Lorde TAYLOR FREAKIN SWIFT. You even mean more to me than quadball.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you mean more to me than all of my favourite things. 

Lions and tigers and bears oh my,  If you don’t get that you can’t rid of me by now then there’s no hope  because I can't live without you.

And while you're sat there questioning everything, I'm here wondering when you’ll wake up and realise that what your looking for is standing right infront of you. 

All you have to do is stay. 

Because we are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever breaking up.

Do you know that i had to write the date down in the notes on my phone so that i don't feel like an idiot for ‘’forgetting’’ our first, last kiss when you inevitably ask me what happened last night?

I’m out here trying to tip toe around your hangover before I run my mouth about how you drunkenly decided to become infatuated with me when I was stone Cold. Sober. enough to remember the way your hands felt as you were making circles up and down my spine when I couldn’t get to sleep.

You got me scared to jump heart first into the idea of a label cos I know you’ll kick me out without a Sunday morning lie in so I hold onto this information like a childhood toy. My stomach is churning but I linger in your bed a while longer cos it’s the first time I’ve slept in days. I’m not sorry for wanting this but I am sorry for being able to hold my alcohol better than you, maybe it would be easier if I was a lightweight who blacked out too?

This is too much for 5am, I roll over and try to go back to sleep but before I know it you are pulling me closer and we are at it again. What does this mean? Are we still friends? Should I be sending an apology to you know who from way back when. I hope you know that this is me, right? It’s me.

Mate, I need a cigarette. I take the one you offer me too quickly to realise I don’t have my lighter but I swallow my pride, follow you outside and of course I trip up that step you’ve warned me about countless times, making you sheepishly hold out your hand as if to say I’ve got you but I am too tired for one of your panic attacks. ‘come here’ I hear you whisper but I stand with my feet rooted to the ground trying to use your matches as I watch the ash from your straight float towards the ground like a slowed down hurricane.

*go to smoke*

so when are we going to address the flamingo in the room, how we both suck at being with other girls and I always choose you. I think you know because you give me that look that tells the world you are confused cos we are stuck walking a blurred line somewhere between what the fuck and we are fine.

Cucumber gets a bad rep, 

Though they’re 95% water, their value isn’t diminished, 

They shouldn’t be relegated solely to buffet tables, 

For their versatility extends beyond mere labels. 

I for one,

Used to really love cucumber, 

You could put it in a salad, 

A sandwich, 

Pitta. 

Have you tried dipping it in hummus? Mmm

What about chutney? 

Or if you’re feeling a little bit fancy, 

Do it the Hendricks way and put a slice in your gin! 

Banging combination. 

Cucumber is your all-weather friend

That’s ready for any adventure. 

It doesn’t matter where you’re going, 

Just wrap it in some foil and 

Off. You. Go. 

Climbing mount Everest but you’ve run out of water?

Cucumber. 

Stuck in the Paris Catacombs? 

Cucumber

Exploring the back-streets of Rome and your vegan mate can’t find a good snack? 

I’ve got some cucumber for that!

It’s auspicious, delicious and nutritious.

And don’t worry, cucumber isn’t vicious. 

It doesn’t judge, 

it won’t bite.

Still not fond of cucumber? 

Just try naming another green vegetable 

That’s good enough to get you absolutely smashed,

But will still show up the next day in a tuna sandwich at brunch with your mum,