Keep Calm

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

Tim casually walking into the Wayne Manor after escaping his kidnappers four days ago. With a concussion and a sprained ankle he hitchhiked through four states, created two new alias’s, solved a missing persons case and discovered a new cave system under Gotham along the way.

Tim: Who would pay? My parents are dead? And even if they were alive, Drake Industries doesn’t pay ransoms.

Bruce: I’m??? Your legal guardian??? I pay ransoms?? You’ve seen me pay ransoms for your brothers??

Tim: . . .

Here's the cat burglar. She wears comfy clothes and has zero social skills. She has sex appeal but only if you're into a very specific type of woman, and crucially she has zero idea she has it. She probably doesn't know what an innuendo is.

Here's the hacker. He's a Black nerd, and also the most moral character of the bunch. He's a nerd but also not socially awkward; in fact, he's the second best at grifting, right after the person who's been doing it for decades.

Here's the muscle. In his heart of hearts, he is a chef. He is tough and manly but he uses that to look out for the working class and children and everyone else the system leaves behind. He's feared by politicians and he reminds his friend to tip the delivery person.

Here's the femme fatale. She's over forty years old, and she's the one seducing the mark. She's the heart of the team. Her calling is to be a director. She loves attending her own funeral.

Here's the mastermind. He's the only one who doesn't start out as a career criminal. He manipulates his own crew, kills two people after promising them he won't, and takes deals behind their back. He was in seminary school.

Don’t forget to wear glitter, take your meds, and practice self-care in honor of our dear departed Space Mom.

“wow it must suck being the only teen titans member without superpowers”

I mean, the cowboy lone wolf cop who doesn’t play by the book, who makes his own law

and the evil witch, the hag, the cackling old woman who makes your cows dry up and children fall sick

and I think they both have that instinct, they both feel the narrative pushing them towards that story, and they both resist because they choose their own destiny and they know it’s not the right choice 

and like…Granny would very much like to have been evil - the whole deal with Lily, for example, I mean, Granny was intended to be the Evil Sister but Lily messed all that up by going and doing it herself in the mistaken belief that she was being benevolent and Granny is kinda bitter that she couldn’t choose to be bad anymore, she had to be good to balance out her sister because witches have to maintain balance

so she has this innate nature or desire or narrative tendency to be the bad sister, but she knows she can’t be and so she keeps an iron hold on herself

and similarly the framework of the law is SO IMPORTANT to Vimes because he knows he has the potential to be what the narrative feels like it’s pushing him to be - chaos and not law

and so the Guarding Dark and never outside the framework, never outside that self-constructed prison, never outside the rules

not once because once would be too much, Due Process always because otherwise he’s giving into the narrative - and that is how he fought the Summoning Dark, because the Summoning Dark was chaos just like he could be and he knows how to deal with that

and it all totally makes sense because narrative is a force on Discworld and you have to know how to control it 

wheezes

friend I don’t know if you know this but mentioning Rincewind on a post I made is the quickest possible way to my heart and may I just congratulate you on your fine and excellent tags because yes yes so much yes Discworld is SO ALL ABOUT narratives and ultimately about people resisting their narratives and choosing what they want to take and manipulating their stories and it is darned amazing

gah

—

Dick is in his third year as Robin, and is searching the Batcomputer

Dick: Contingency plans? Huh. Flash, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern… ME?

Bruce, walking in: Are you ready for patrol, chum?

Dick, snapping his head toward Bruce and pointing at the screen: Explain!

Bruce: Oh, my contingency plans? I make those for everyone in the Justice League.

Dick: I’m not in the Justice League!

Bruce: But you were trained by me, which makes you better than some of them.

Dick: But I wouldn’t become evil!

Bruce, coming to stand next to Dick so that he can scroll down: I don’t think I would either, but I have a contingency plan for myself in case I do. See?

Dick, muttering: You’re so paranoid.

Dick: Wait, you actually think I’m enough of a threat to make a plan for me?

Bruce: Of course. You’re my son.

Dick, getting a little teary-eyed: Oh. Thanks.

—

Tim is in his second year as Robin and has heard about Bruce’s reputation for making contingency plans, and wants to see them for himself

Tim: Here it is! Contingency plans. Let’s see… why the fuck am I on here?

Tim, clicking on his plan to read it: A weaker fighter—uncalled for—who relies more on intellect and strategy than raw strength. Create a trap with an overwhelming number of variables. While he is distracted, disarm and restrain him.

Tim, leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms: That wouldn’t work… probably… would it?

Tim: I’ll make a better one, just in case.

Later

Tim: Hey, Bruce, I updated your contingency plan for me.

Bruce: You found that?

Tim, kind of proud now: Yeah, and I figured if you think I could be a threat, then you should probably have a better plan. I thought of one that would work.

Bruce, reading the plan: Tim, this says to fake all of your loved ones' deaths and to get someone to shoot you while you’re grieving.

Tim: I know. If I become evil, you need to kill me because I’ll escape any prison you put me in. I’m pretty susceptible to bullets, so this should work.

Bruce: …good thinking.

—

Bruce is typing up Cassandra’s contingency plan

Cass: That won’t work.

Bruce, flinching in surprise: Cass, what are you doing here?

Cass: Observing. That plan won’t work. It relies on you taking me by surprise. That’s unlikely.

Bruce, sighing and deleting what he’d written because he knows she’s right: I know. Are you not offended I’m making a contingency plan for you?

Cass: Maybe. You’ll find out soon.

Bruce, worried: Oh.

—

Stephanie has been Batgirl for a year

Steph: So, Bruce, I was on the Batcomputer, and I couldn’t help but notice you have a contingency plan for me in case I go a little nuts.

Bruce: Yes.

Steph, pleased: When did you decide you needed a plan for me?

Bruce: Three months ago.

Steph, less pleased: Wait, but Dick and Tim both said they found theirs when they were Robin.

Bruce: Yes.

Steph: Fuck you, old man.

Bruce: …

Steph, realizing what she just said and hurrying away: I’ll be going now!

—

Damian is three months into being Robin

Damian, hanging from the ceiling of the Batcave, looking down at Bruce working on the computer: Hm. A contingency plan for me. A respectable decision, Father.

Bruce, looking up, remembering the time Cass also caught him writing a plan: How does this keep happening?

—

Barbara has been Oracle for a while

Barbara: Bruce, I just thought you should know that using a city-wide EMP isn’t going to work as a contingency plan for me.

Bruce: It won’t?

Barbara: Definitely not.

Bruce, frowning: Did you have a better suggestion?

Barbara: If I turn rogue? Hope I see reason. Or find a way to temporarily disable all electronic devices. That’s on and off planet.

Bruce, unhappy: …I’ll have Tim look into it.

—

Duke is talking to Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian

Duke: I found the weirdest thing on the Batcomputer today. Bruce has a contingency plan for me.

Dick, patting him on the back: It was about time you found it!

Damian, nodding: Congratulations. I’m sure you’re pleased.

Duke: Uh, not exactly. Kind of offended, actually.

Tim: Eh, you’ll get over it. We all find our contingency plans pretty soon after joining.

Jason, who has never seen a contingency plan for him: The fuck? No we don’t?

Tim: Aside from Steph, we all found ours as Robin.

Jason, confused because he looked through the contingency plans as Robin, and he wasn’t on there: Uh, no?

Dick, frowning: You didn’t find a contingency plan for yourself when you were a kid?

Jason: No. There wasn’t one—I looked.

Damian: Unlikely.

Duke: You sure you didn’t just miss it? There’s one for you now.

Jason, shocked: He added one? When?

Duke: I think it said it was updated last week. Not sure when it was made.

Bruce, walking in: Hello.

Jason, glaring at Bruce: When did you make a contingency plan for me?

Bruce, thinking: A few days after learning you were Red Hood, I believe.

Dick, Tim, and Damian: Shocked gasps

Dick: You didn’t have one for him as Robin?

Bruce: No.

Jason, hesitantly: Why? You seriously made one for Timmy over here—

Tim: Hey!

Jason: And not me?

Bruce: I had ideas. I just didn’t foresee needing them, so I never made an official file for you.

Jason: …

Dick: You trusted him that much?

Bruce: Yes.

Jason, turning his head away: …should’ve made the damn plan.

—

*Superman looks around the battlefield and sees Jon fighting side by side with Damian and Kon knocking down invaders with Tim*

Superman: I uh... I don't think you do. Can you describe him?

Zod: Dark hair. Really smiley.

Superman: That doesn't really help. Jon's over there and Kon, who's more like a little brother really, is back there so...

Zod: Which of your sons named himself after a Kryptonian god?

Superman: Oh, you mean Nightwing! He's not actually my son, he's actually... I hate to say this but you really messed up.

*ominous green glow appears from above, casting a bat-shaped shadow over Zod*

Amazing moral, I'm deeply moved.