Tough.
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@thelegitx
Tough.

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First, you kill two siblings and use their tech to travel through some wormhole with your talking orange otter best friend, your engineer love interest, and her hippie father. Second, you kill a giant man-queen bug that kidnapped you in the future, and then send your widdle self into the past, with some hippie dude, so that you can grow up and go to the future, from the past. Thus realizing the sequel is the prequel while the prequel is also the sequel. Third, you kill a dude for the second time, get offered to explore the universe with some talking orange God otters, and reveal that you're a descendant of histories most badass dude ever. Fourth, YOU FINALLY KISS THE GIRL!!! Fifth, you save the world... Again, but this time from the people trying to secretly steal your swag and get you to kill honorable pirates. You then fly off into the abyss with your now super powered girlfriend and your bff. Sadly you never get a follow up adventure.......
FUCK!! JUST BRING HIM BACK GOD DAMMIT!!
We had just finished our first quest, where none of us really were experienced DnD player, and I did some feeble attempts at solid DM'ing. The goal of the quest had been to find an antidote for a farmer’s son who had gone into a magical coma.
(ps: due to an inside joke, Winnie the Pooh is in the party like, just there. Christopher Robin is the farmers son who fell ill. The party coloured winnie the pooh neon pink. I don’t know why.)
DM: You reach the farm. You don’t have to roll shit to figure out these peeps are poor. They have a cow and a goat in a small pen that don’t look too hot. Oh, and there’s a donkey tied by the door to their shedlike home.
Elf Ranger: guys i think these peeps are super poor.
Half-Elf Cleric (only good aligned partymember): oh my god really????
DM: just as you say that, the door creaks open, and a thin, a bit aged man peeks out, and when he sees you, his eyes go wide and he steps fully outside, and he says “Are you the ones my daughter sent to- have you found it? Did you find the antidote for my son?”
Half-Elf Cleric: Hello we are here to speak to you about Jesus Christ- I mean, Njord. That’s my deity, right?
Elf Ranger: Yeah, the word of Njord.
Dward Fighter (whose alignment is sorta fuzzy): Yeah we got some antidote dude but uhh time cough up some gold pieces, aight
DM: So- these news fills him with both glee and fear. He sinks down on his feet-
Half-Elf Cleric: What was he on before
DM: -His knees. He sinks down on his knees, and he brings his hands together in your typical prayer like- he’s begging you. “Please, we have… nothing.”
Tiefling Warlock (Chaotic Neutral): sad trombone
DM: “Please, I- I have but one son, he and my daughter are- we won’t be able to do the amount of work- we need him!”
Tiefling Warlock: “Shall we move on, my fellows?”
DM: As you guys speak about this, Winnie the Pooh slides down from /Half-Elf Cleric/’s shoulders, where he’s been perched, and sort of waddles forward, past the begging father, and into the house, to join Christopher Robin.
Half-Elf Cleric: AWWWWWW
Dwarf Fighter: Ey he didn’t swipe the antidote from us, did he?
DM: No- no, you still got that.
Tiefling Warlock: I would’ve Eldritch Blasted his ass if he had.
Half-Elf Cleric: I think we should just give them the antidote.
DM: Like- just to clarify: the antidote is not like- a valuable thing. It’s just this one specific conconction for this particular- you won’t get more cash out of this anywhere else, nobody is gonna run up to you and go “oh, my father is in a magical coma and needs an antidote that-!” like. It’s literally worthless except for these people.
Tiefling Warlock: But we won't have to help someone pro bono.
Half-Elf Cleric: *annoyed sigh* I don’t give a damn about money.
Everyone except her: *horrified gasps*
Dwarf Fighter: … well, you guys do got a nice ass-
Everyone: WHAT
Dwarf Fighter: the donkey. You got a nice donkey.
DM: You… want the donkey.
Half-Elf Cleric: IS IT EEYORE
Everyone: YES we want the donkey.
DM: … The man looks at the donkey and then at you, and he goes “I- If it is a trade between the life of my son and my donkey, it’s- then it’s yours.” And- and Eeyore looks up at you all-
Everyone: YES IT’S EEYORE
DM: -and he goes “I figured I was going to get sold anyway…”
Half-Elf Cleric: AWWW
DM: and the farmer goes “AAA” cus he didn’t know he had a talking donkey
Dwarf Fighter: eyy hasn’t he seen Shrek talking donkeys means cash
DM: yeah well that doesn’t matter now cus he’s giving him to you guys
Dwarf Fighter: right you are
DM: and the man unties Eeyore and he sighs deeply and he goes “this surely won’t make things easier for us… but in exchange for my son… *sigh*”
Tiefling and Dwarf: oh stop moping around jesus hell
Half-Elf Cleric: EYY if I have a ‘set of commoners clothes’ can i give them to them cus they look poor right
DM: I guess
Half-Elf Cleric: EYYYYYYYYYYYY
DM: but then you’d be naked
Half-Elf Cleric: NÄÄÄIJ in that case fuck it you don’t get shit i’m sorry i tried
DM: -and you just start taking of your clothes to give them to the man, but you realise halfway through what you’re doing and you get dressed again
Tiefling: cover yourself, woman
DM: so- let me get this straight. You guys literally have a box on wheels that you pull along with you, and it is filled… with the golden heads of a pair of statues AND YOU WANNA TAKE THIS POOR FAMILYS DONKEY.
Tiefling: survival of the fittest, honey *grabs rope with Eeyore on the other end*
-they go inside and give Christopher Robin the antidote-
Christopher Robin: what the fuck
DM: And the family all rejoice at the awakening of their son, and they turn and thank you, and they’re in the middle of hugging you all when the farmer murmurs “They… they took the donkey.” and the whole family just. Goes quiet-
Dwarf Fighter: fucking tattletale?
DM: - and the mother sort of sinks down on her chair and she whisperes “How will we surviv-”
Tiefling: Oh for fucks- “look, woman, if you don’t shut up I’ll Eldritch Blast your ass-”
Half-Elf Cleric: “HEY WHAT”
DM: The woman gasps loudly and pales-
Dwarf Fighter: “Yo what’s the problem don’t you want a talking donkey”
Half-Elf Cleric: “I meant the whole threatening to KILL HER actually”
Tiefling: “I wasn’t threatening her, I was just stating a fact”
DM: That if she wouldn’t shut up you’d kill her?
Tiefling: It’s a very known fact.
DM: Winnie the Pooh is looking at Christopher Robin with such glee; it’s really indescribable how happy he’s looking, and he’s hopping around happily and he’s climbing up on the bed to give him a big old hug, and Christopher Robin, he goes- “What the- could you guys like take the bear away from me.”
Everyone: “WHAT”
Half-Elf Cleric: “Isn’t he like with you?”
Christopher Robin: “Wh- no? I just went into the woods and he just came up to me, and I found this ruin and he just followed me? And then I got stung by something and that’s all I remember? Could you like take him away he’s a bit creepy. And why is he pink?”
Half-Elf Cleric: “Well uhh he’s yours now. You don’t have a donkey anymore, so-”
DM: And this sorta comes as news to him cus when the father told the fam he had just woken up so he was a bit disoriented so now he goes “Wh-Why is-? What happened to our donkey?” And the father, he goes “Well, son, it was their demand to give you the antidote… and-”
Tiefling: “By the way… can we get this transaction on paper?”
DM: - and the boy turns to you incredulously, and he goes “But-! You can’t! We need that donkey, without it we’ll die!”
Dwarf: “You’re young and strong, boy, time to saddle up.”
Tiefling: “You got a bear now.”
DM: - And Christopher Robin starts to cry too, and he goes “You might’ve saved our lives, but you’ve killed our family-”
Dwarf: “Anywho, gots to go.”
DM: So, you go to leave the shedlike home, and the athmostphere is next to devastated-
Dwarf: “Okay, okay, I ain’t okay with this. We go here and save your life, and you guys are devastated? Really?”
Tiefling: “I agree entirely. Ungrateful runt.”
Cleric: “I-”
DM: “And Chrisopher Robin slams the door in your face.”
Cleric: “No, I was- I was gonna whisper to him “I didn’t want this, I wanted to let you have it for free-”
DM: -Okay, so you whisper that, and he just stares you down, and he shakes his head, and tears are falling down, and he just spits out “You’re just as bad as them for letting it happen anyway,” and he throws the door shut in front of your face after doing that.
Cleric: “GODDAMNIT”
DM: okay so like just to state- like, you guys are super welcome to just. give them something on your own accord, like, out of your own pocket, you picked up som gold in that temple, so if you want to-
Cleric: I WANNA GIVE THEM 100 GP
Tiefling: WHAT “NO, NO, DON’T” ok so I try to pursuade /cleric/ not to do it.
DM: You- you can’t roll to make another player do stuff they don’t wanna do.
Tiefling: Okay, uh “Hey, /cleric/. Don’t do it.” There, you’re pursuaded.
Cleric: … yeah, nah. I give them the gold.
DM: So- you hammer on the door and you shout “I GOT GOLD FOR YOU” or something like that, and Christopher Robin opens the door, and once he sees the gold you’re extending, he- he is so happy. He takes the gold and he goes to hug you, and the entire family comes out and does the same, they can buy like 3 donkeys now i dunno how GP works in dnd yet uhhh so-
Tiefling: Fuck this, I eldritch blast Christopher Robin.
Cleric: NO YOU DON’T i stand in the way.
DM: -Fine? Uh, roll an attack roll.
Tiefling: Twelve.
DM: You miss. You hit the ground.
Tiefling: … don’t I hit the house at least?
DM: NO YOU- WHY DO YOU WANT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN
Cleric: WHY WOULD YOU STILL ROLL WHEN I WAS STANING IN THE WAY- YOU TRIED TO KILL ME
Ranger: All of this for a donkey
DM: Nah, dude, you got the donkey. This is because /Cleric/ gave them 100 GP
Ranger: Oh okay
Dwarf: Yeah, but they’re super ungrateful. Bastards.
Cleric: Yeah but we can’t KILL THEM for that??
DM: so the family, they- after the attempted murder, they run back into the house.
Dwarf: Did they take the gold?
DM: Yeah.
Dwarf: Rat bastards.
DM: Does /Tiefling/ want to keep his spree of ‘teaching people some manners’ going or?
Tiefling: Nahhh. But he does cast sleep on /Cleric/ cus he’s pissed.
Cleric: haHA i’m a half elf and I can’t be magically put to sleep!
Tiefling: Nvm then I’m tired.
DM: So- you guys walk away from the house, and just for a moment you hear the door opening and then quickly closing-
Ranger: No
DM: -and you turn, and- Winnie the Pooh has been tossed out of the house.
Dwarf: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT when Njord taketh a donkey he giveth thee an illuminescent bear, and they just TOSS HIM OUT
DM: - and Winne the Pooh sits on the ground very- very sadly. Had he had tear ducts, he would cry a single tear. He is on the ground-
Ranger: Still pink?
DM: Still pink.
Cleric: :’(
Ranger: ugh FINE let’s take him with us.
DM: You go and pick him up, and he is so happy. So, so happy.
Dwarf: what are we, collecting Winnie the Pooh characters?
DM: He’s on /clerics/ shoulder again-
Tiefling: Can’t we put him on Eeyores back?
Dwarf: Can’t we put EEYORE on WINNIE THE POOH’s back?
DM: You put Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh back, and you now have a donkey on top of a bear on the ground. They are not moving.
Cleric: Oh dear.
DM: And Eeyore sighs and goes “I knew I’d be too heavy”
Everyone: “AWWWWWW”
Absolute Perfection.
Connie // Mabel
Captain & First Mate Obvious
Helpful Hints? Don't you mean passive skills?

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In the new E3 footage Mario can possess objects and characters with his hat in the newest Mario game and now we’re wondering if Mario was the hat all along and who we thought was Mario is actually just a random guy who has just been possessed for years.
Mario’s hat is like the Ice King’s crown
had a convo about this on twitter earlier, and note:
in super mario 64, mario takes double damage with no hat
in sunshine, mario’s health gradually drains with no hat
conclusion: mario is a lich and the hat is his phylactery. as he grows in power, his soul is embedded deeper and deeper within the hat, and so too does his grip on his long-dead physical body become more and more tenuous
Why the fuck would I wanna lighten up? This is too dark and too deep for me not to wanna dive headfirst into the rabbit hole of Mario the Lich and his Hat Phylactery. Also does this mean that Luigi fucks with ghost on his off time in order to resist the temptation of exorcising his own brother?
i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do
Smoove with it too
This is the kind of shit you see in anime that shows that a certain character is stronger than other characters.
“Pathetic. You can’t even hold the bat you dare step to the plate? Have you no respect for the sport?”
reminds me of this gif
Baseball players are to be feared
Reblogging for the last one
^Same for me
They just kept getting progressively more “woah”
much woah
Oh my god this is a lucky universe
Universal woah
Reblog with your birthday until you find your birthday twin!!
🎈04.22.93🎈 🎁🎂🎈🎊🎁
June 7
9/21
10/16
10/17
10/17 😌😌
July 8th
bronzyerica taynichelle ayyyyyy 10/17 babies 😈
bronzyerica yassss we the best 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾😇😈
September 1st
October 14th
October 31
July 26
January 21
September 19th
February 12th
12 March erykahbaddont close enough👯
November 26th
December 27
July 2nd
August 5th
October 17 libras get ready we gonna fuck shit up
thoughtstobeprocessed You have the same birthday as my boyfriend. Lol but sadly he doesn’t have a tumblr :(
Aug 27th
July 30th
July 30th 😋
Ah shit I found my birthday twin quitetheitgirl
Feb 19th
March 7th
May 23rd 👀
June 13th😈♊️
November 5th♏️
July 15th.♋️
April 2nd 👑🎈
August 22nd
January 17th
May 2nd
February 12th @erykahbaddont ♒️
November 30th 💁🏾
Nov 26thh
Nov 29th
Nov 11th
@hellokatiekat343 Birthday Twinsies!!! March 24th!!!!
January 28th 1995 ♒️♒️♒️♒️♒️😍
April 11th 97 👑♈️
November 9th
August 6th
April 18th
June 24th
November 28th
February 5th
August 6th @kingskidd93 🙋🏿🙋🏿
August 6!! @kingskidd93 @flawlessbodygorgeousface 😁
The poppinest!!!
Dec 13
Jan 27
February 11th 💕
July 30th so we are triplets then @quitetheitgirl & @a-shadyqueeen
March 31
October 3rd😎
Nov 28 ♐️♐️♐️
April 26 94 ♉️
Sept 3rd
October 3 c;
July 9th
March 17
December 16
March 24 😇
June 22 👑
ayeeee^^💁🏻
April 30th ♈
April 22 anyone? 😘
Me lol
Sept 12
November 6th
Oct 28 ♏️
@lyonnnss
@yung-baddie bday twwwiiiinnning!!!! March 24
Sept 13th
Nov.22
September 2nd
Nobody has my birthday , 9/16
9/12 ♍️
@papixjuan hey! April 2nd!
2/16 💕😌
8/28
August 29
Jan 27 @theeyewonderer
Happy Birthday @msmental
Jan 10
Feb 17 anyone?😢
Ayyeeee @blackk-swaan hey bday twin! 🤗🤗
July 9th 👀
5/12 👀😅
@pinklippedbitch you my birthday twin!!! Yyyaaaayyyyyy 👯 💃🏾💃🏾. Nov. 26 ♐️♐️
Heyyyyyy twinnnn 😍👯 @blckrapunzel
10/12
Jan 16 ✊🏾
@missversacebae is my birthday twin 😩💕
ayeee @stayyhyy
@felinetsunamii ayyyyyyyyyyy September 16
May 27🤗
August 22🔥
May 20th ♉
November 23 ♐♐
june 19
May 30th ♊️💕
3/8 @blckmvmba wassup birthday twin
August 12… Where my bday twin at ?🤔
July 24th
April 23 ♉️
April 12th ♈️ don’t forget 😈
May 19 ♉️
4/25 👻
September 19th 👸🏾 @naturallylivi
July 18th
11/24
July 4th
May 13th
June 21st , where my twin at thoooooo 👀
4 November
Oct 6
October 29 @missversacebae birthday twin 🎉♏️
ayeee @personalitycapturesthesoul
July 28th
June 1st
May 8th ♉️
Guess I’m the only born on 3/26 🎉
November 30th 💁🏽
July 4th
August 11th ♌️♌️♌️
Ayyyeeee the best birthday for last @yellisse August 11th ♌️♌️♌️
Yaaaaas!! Birthday Twin 😁😁😁 08/11 💕💕💕 ♌️
Yasss August 11th is popping !! ♌️✨💖
February 9th
Wooo! @black-able Nov 23!! 💜♐️
@soliloquyunscripted yess Twin!!!
August 25th
11/11
Kids. Teenagers. As someone staring 40 in the face lemme tell you a thing.
You are going to be horrified and embarrassed at some point by the shit you are doing now.
And you are going to wish with all your might you’d done more of it.
You’re gonna wish you had more selfies, more photos, more videos being dumb with your friends. You’re going to wish you’d had your hair even higher or your shoes even sparklier.
Go. Document the shit out of your ridiculous life. Fuck trends but if you wanna be trendy, go all in. Fuck in-groups and subcultures but if one sings to you, do it all. Be exactly as cool or punk rock or goth or fandom or country or hardcore or hip hop or whatever, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Just don’t hurt people. That’s the only thing you’ll ever genuinely live to regret.
which spongebob character is the white gay friend
larry the lobster next question
larry is that type of gay w/ masc4masc and “no fats no fems” on his Floundr bio
Floundr bio I’m out
i had to read this on my dash and now you have to too
How dare you do that to Larry. He is pure and precious and he would not discriminate against fat people in his bio. You ever watch the episodes with him in it? He’s always super nice when it comes to Spongebob’s lack of muscle and always tried to encourage him. Shame on you.
drag them!
He’s nice to Spongebob because Spongebob is a twink.
true. but Spongebob is also fem so
So that would mean Patrick is a bear?
I wanna fuck sandy squirrels
Well now we're just making statements

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people who go through college without drinking coffee to survive are impossibly stalwart and should never be challenged
but the people who DO drink coffee to survive college are filled with unstoppable power before their coffee, but only if every task they are completing is towards the goal of getting coffee
what im saying is: if a non-coffee-drinker stood in front of a coffee-drinker’s coffee maker, who would win?
unstoppable force vs an immovable object
The Hulk vs Doomsday
Rock bottom
Extra THICC
For a rock hard dick
Do you like these facts? Follow @dailypsychologyfacts for more!
Good thing they'd give us chocolate during tests and not during class then, right?
lips: soft face: soft hair: soft heart: soft
lips: chapped face: oily hair: greasy heart: clogged
(Negative) Summer Revamp lips: split face: peeling hair: frizzy heart: broken
english: coconut oil
french: :)
english: oh boy
french: oil of the nut of the coco
IM CRYINGNFN
english: ninety-nine
french: :)
english: oh no
french: four-twenty-ten-nine
english: potato
french: :)
english: oh geez
french: apple of the earth
french: papillon
english: :)
french: don’t
english: beurremouche
French: pamplemousse English: :) French: pls no English: raisinfruit
english: squirrel
german: :)
english: oh dear
german: oak croissant
english: helicopter german: :) english: uh oh german: lifting screwdriver
english: toes
spanish: :)
english: no don’t
spanish : fingers of the feet
english: bowl
spanish: :)
english: oh lordy
spanish: deep plate
english: car
polish: :)
english: i changed my mind
polish: that which walks by itself
french: coccinelle
UK english: ladybird!
american english: ladybug
french: weird
dutch: :)
french: …what
dutch: the good lord’s little animal
french: …ok
irish, polish and russian: *giggling*
french: …just tell me
irish, polish and russian: GOD’S SMALL COW
all cows are the same, explain how?: both eat grass
I've regained a new appreciation of life for the next 20min before my next panic attack.

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You can’t MAKE people shine. But you can let them.
Bruce Adler (via wnq-writers)
Really? You sure about that Bruce? Ever heard about glitter? Cause that shit will MAKE you shine.
Piss.