We had just finished our first quest, where none of us really were experienced DnD player, and I did some feeble attempts at solid DM'ing. The goal of the quest had been to find an antidote for a farmer’s son who had gone into a magical coma.
(ps: due to an inside joke, Winnie the Pooh is in the party like, just there. Christopher Robin is the farmers son who fell ill. The party coloured winnie the pooh neon pink. I don’t know why.)
DM: You reach the farm. You don’t have to roll shit to figure out these peeps are poor. They have a cow and a goat in a small pen that don’t look too hot. Oh, and there’s a donkey tied by the door to their shedlike home.
Elf Ranger: guys i think these peeps are super poor.
Half-Elf Cleric (only good aligned partymember): oh my god really????
DM: just as you say that, the door creaks open, and a thin, a bit aged man peeks out, and when he sees you, his eyes go wide and he steps fully outside, and he says “Are you the ones my daughter sent to- have you found it? Did you find the antidote for my son?”
Half-Elf Cleric: Hello we are here to speak to you about Jesus Christ- I mean, Njord. That’s my deity, right?
Elf Ranger: Yeah, the word of Njord.
Dward Fighter (whose alignment is sorta fuzzy): Yeah we got some antidote dude but uhh time cough up some gold pieces, aight
DM: So- these news fills him with both glee and fear. He sinks down on his feet-
Half-Elf Cleric: What was he on before
DM: -His knees. He sinks down on his knees, and he brings his hands together in your typical prayer like- he’s begging you. “Please, we have… nothing.”
Tiefling Warlock (Chaotic Neutral): sad trombone
DM: “Please, I- I have but one son, he and my daughter are- we won’t be able to do the amount of work- we need him!”
Tiefling Warlock: “Shall we move on, my fellows?”
DM: As you guys speak about this, Winnie the Pooh slides down from /Half-Elf Cleric/’s shoulders, where he’s been perched, and sort of waddles forward, past the begging father, and into the house, to join Christopher Robin.
Dwarf Fighter: Ey he didn’t swipe the antidote from us, did he?
DM: No- no, you still got that.
Tiefling Warlock: I would’ve Eldritch Blasted his ass if he had.
Half-Elf Cleric: I think we should just give them the antidote.
DM: Like- just to clarify: the antidote is not like- a valuable thing. It’s just this one specific conconction for this particular- you won’t get more cash out of this anywhere else, nobody is gonna run up to you and go “oh, my father is in a magical coma and needs an antidote that-!” like. It’s literally worthless except for these people.
Tiefling Warlock: But we won't have to help someone pro bono.
Half-Elf Cleric: *annoyed sigh* I don’t give a damn about money.
Everyone except her: *horrified gasps*
Dwarf Fighter: … well, you guys do got a nice ass-
Dwarf Fighter: the donkey. You got a nice donkey.
DM: You… want the donkey.
Half-Elf Cleric: IS IT EEYORE
Everyone: YES we want the donkey.
DM: … The man looks at the donkey and then at you, and he goes “I- If it is a trade between the life of my son and my donkey, it’s- then it’s yours.” And- and Eeyore looks up at you all-
Everyone: YES IT’S EEYORE
DM: -and he goes “I figured I was going to get sold anyway…”
DM: and the farmer goes “AAA” cus he didn’t know he had a talking donkey
Dwarf Fighter: eyy hasn’t he seen Shrek talking donkeys means cash
DM: yeah well that doesn’t matter now cus he’s giving him to you guys
Dwarf Fighter: right you are
DM: and the man unties Eeyore and he sighs deeply and he goes “this surely won’t make things easier for us… but in exchange for my son… *sigh*”
Tiefling and Dwarf: oh stop moping around jesus hell
Half-Elf Cleric: EYY if I have a ‘set of commoners clothes’ can i give them to them cus they look poor right
Half-Elf Cleric: EYYYYYYYYYYYY
DM: but then you’d be naked
Half-Elf Cleric: NÄÄÄIJ in that case fuck it you don’t get shit i’m sorry i tried
DM: -and you just start taking of your clothes to give them to the man, but you realise halfway through what you’re doing and you get dressed again
Tiefling: cover yourself, woman
DM: so- let me get this straight. You guys literally have a box on wheels that you pull along with you, and it is filled… with the golden heads of a pair of statues AND YOU WANNA TAKE THIS POOR FAMILYS DONKEY.
Tiefling: survival of the fittest, honey *grabs rope with Eeyore on the other end*
-they go inside and give Christopher Robin the antidote-
Christopher Robin: what the fuck
DM: And the family all rejoice at the awakening of their son, and they turn and thank you, and they’re in the middle of hugging you all when the farmer murmurs “They… they took the donkey.” and the whole family just. Goes quiet-
Dwarf Fighter: fucking tattletale?
DM: - and the mother sort of sinks down on her chair and she whisperes “How will we surviv-”
Tiefling: Oh for fucks- “look, woman, if you don’t shut up I’ll Eldritch Blast your ass-”
Half-Elf Cleric: “HEY WHAT”
DM: The woman gasps loudly and pales-
Dwarf Fighter: “Yo what’s the problem don’t you want a talking donkey”
Half-Elf Cleric: “I meant the whole threatening to KILL HER actually”
Tiefling: “I wasn’t threatening her, I was just stating a fact”
DM: That if she wouldn’t shut up you’d kill her?
Tiefling: It’s a very known fact.
DM: Winnie the Pooh is looking at Christopher Robin with such glee; it’s really indescribable how happy he’s looking, and he’s hopping around happily and he’s climbing up on the bed to give him a big old hug, and Christopher Robin, he goes- “What the- could you guys like take the bear away from me.”
Half-Elf Cleric: “Isn’t he like with you?”
Christopher Robin: “Wh- no? I just went into the woods and he just came up to me, and I found this ruin and he just followed me? And then I got stung by something and that’s all I remember? Could you like take him away he’s a bit creepy. And why is he pink?”
Half-Elf Cleric: “Well uhh he’s yours now. You don’t have a donkey anymore, so-”
DM: And this sorta comes as news to him cus when the father told the fam he had just woken up so he was a bit disoriented so now he goes “Wh-Why is-? What happened to our donkey?” And the father, he goes “Well, son, it was their demand to give you the antidote… and-”
Tiefling: “By the way… can we get this transaction on paper?”
DM: - and the boy turns to you incredulously, and he goes “But-! You can’t! We need that donkey, without it we’ll die!”
Dwarf: “You’re young and strong, boy, time to saddle up.”
Tiefling: “You got a bear now.”
DM: - And Christopher Robin starts to cry too, and he goes “You might’ve saved our lives, but you’ve killed our family-”
Dwarf: “Anywho, gots to go.”
DM: So, you go to leave the shedlike home, and the athmostphere is next to devastated-
Dwarf: “Okay, okay, I ain’t okay with this. We go here and save your life, and you guys are devastated? Really?”
Tiefling: “I agree entirely. Ungrateful runt.”
DM: “And Chrisopher Robin slams the door in your face.”
Cleric: “No, I was- I was gonna whisper to him “I didn’t want this, I wanted to let you have it for free-”
DM: -Okay, so you whisper that, and he just stares you down, and he shakes his head, and tears are falling down, and he just spits out “You’re just as bad as them for letting it happen anyway,” and he throws the door shut in front of your face after doing that.
DM: okay so like just to state- like, you guys are super welcome to just. give them something on your own accord, like, out of your own pocket, you picked up som gold in that temple, so if you want to-
Cleric: I WANNA GIVE THEM 100 GP
Tiefling: WHAT “NO, NO, DON’T” ok so I try to pursuade /cleric/ not to do it.
DM: You- you can’t roll to make another player do stuff they don’t wanna do.
Tiefling: Okay, uh “Hey, /cleric/. Don’t do it.” There, you’re pursuaded.
Cleric: … yeah, nah. I give them the gold.
DM: So- you hammer on the door and you shout “I GOT GOLD FOR YOU” or something like that, and Christopher Robin opens the door, and once he sees the gold you’re extending, he- he is so happy. He takes the gold and he goes to hug you, and the entire family comes out and does the same, they can buy like 3 donkeys now i dunno how GP works in dnd yet uhhh so-
Tiefling: Fuck this, I eldritch blast Christopher Robin.
Cleric: NO YOU DON’T i stand in the way.
DM: -Fine? Uh, roll an attack roll.
DM: You miss. You hit the ground.
Tiefling: … don’t I hit the house at least?
DM: NO YOU- WHY DO YOU WANT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN
Cleric: WHY WOULD YOU STILL ROLL WHEN I WAS STANING IN THE WAY- YOU TRIED TO KILL ME
Ranger: All of this for a donkey
DM: Nah, dude, you got the donkey. This is because /Cleric/ gave them 100 GP
Dwarf: Yeah, but they’re super ungrateful. Bastards.
Cleric: Yeah but we can’t KILL THEM for that??
DM: so the family, they- after the attempted murder, they run back into the house.
Dwarf: Did they take the gold?
DM: Does /Tiefling/ want to keep his spree of ‘teaching people some manners’ going or?
Tiefling: Nahhh. But he does cast sleep on /Cleric/ cus he’s pissed.
Cleric: haHA i’m a half elf and I can’t be magically put to sleep!
Tiefling: Nvm then I’m tired.
DM: So- you guys walk away from the house, and just for a moment you hear the door opening and then quickly closing-
DM: -and you turn, and- Winnie the Pooh has been tossed out of the house.
Dwarf: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT when Njord taketh a donkey he giveth thee an illuminescent bear, and they just TOSS HIM OUT
DM: - and Winne the Pooh sits on the ground very- very sadly. Had he had tear ducts, he would cry a single tear. He is on the ground-
Ranger: ugh FINE let’s take him with us.
DM: You go and pick him up, and he is so happy. So, so happy.
Dwarf: what are we, collecting Winnie the Pooh characters?
DM: He’s on /clerics/ shoulder again-
Tiefling: Can’t we put him on Eeyores back?
Dwarf: Can’t we put EEYORE on WINNIE THE POOH’s back?
DM: You put Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh back, and you now have a donkey on top of a bear on the ground. They are not moving.
DM: And Eeyore sighs and goes “I knew I’d be too heavy”
kaledo-art
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
romaincrisis
