Manic Pixie Dream Goblin

please wear your masks guys it’s a birdbrain!reader epidemic on this app

you would think, like, "oh, we've already thought of all the metaphorical ways we can say penis/vagina. we've already come up with the full list of nicknames. we have exhausted the list of innuendos. there is nothing else new to be said about this" and then you'll open a random explicit fic and make the most improbable linguistic discovery of all time

would you like to share with the class 🤔

saw the term "gummy walls" last night and had to sit alone with god for a minute

would you like to unshare with the class

When I was training to be a paramedic, we had one student ask the instructor what to do in the event of a marijuana overdose. The instructor said "Tell him to take two twinkies and call you in the morning."

It's a point of personal pride when I manage to call poison control with something the person hasn't heard before. Most recently it was a toddler crunching a bunch of the parent's Keppra (giant fucking horse pills)...everyone was kinda stunned at the effort the kid put in. and the parents brought in chunks of the pills and yeah, they were crunched up. (Kid was fine, but baffling)

Tumblr Code.

World Heritage Post

@funnier-when-objectum

I know this sounds like the deranged ramblings of a senile old man but I swear it used to be possible to look up information on the internet

minos was such a pussy. if my wife gave birth to an epic minotaur baby i wouldn't have locked him in a labyrinth. i would have taken him to the mcdonalds play place (athens) every day and let him eat as many stray mcnuggets (athenians) off the floor as he wanted. i love you hungry son

(pulling a painted vase out of my wallet) and this is my youngest at his first nose ring fitting. isn't he handsome

*trying to pitch public transportation to Americans* it’s like a legal form of texting while driving

Torterra.....