Entry #1
Burning Bridges
October 3rd 2024
You entered my life nearly seven years ago, and youāve never left since. Your heart cradled mine, a twisted beat we drummed together. I didnāt realize how into you I was. I did years too late, when we both promised fleeting love to each other, only to turn them into torturous and prolonged goodbyes. When we finally bid farewell, you came back like a carefully lit inferno a year and four months later, burning down any semblance of normalcy I built for myself, paper walls of denial, a man, a boyfriend, shallow relationships. You left after scorching my tongue and heart again, your hands leaving trails of want on my skin, my flesh, my bones. You ingrained hope into my consciousness again, ignited that flicker of love I still held for you, sheltered and burrowed under layers of viscera, raging so bright my chest hurt with heartburn for days on end.
Did you ever realize the impact you had and still have on me? A word from you and I come crawling like a dog, a touch from you and I burrow into it like an unloved puppy, the sight of you leaving me craving for your attention like a neglected child. You go days, weeks, even months acting like i don't exist and i canāt go a single song without imagining a life with you, Sunday mornings filled with soft touches, hard kisses and sultry words, weekends filled with nicotine rushes with every shared breath, lifetimes filled with just us, us, us, us. Itās a chore, a schedule, a self imposed ritual, to check for any word from you, only to find none time and time again, to realize unprompted words from you are too much to ask when I canāt even afford to get replies from unfinished conversations, closure.
You promise so much, you lower my shackles only to pull them up so fast Iām left disjointed and pained. You tell me youāll answer my numerous calls, whenever and however, only to never answer a single one and leave shallow explanations with no follow ups. Reminds me why we never worked out, why we canāt work out, but yet i wait for you to come back and ruin me again, ruin my next attempt at a put together life and relationship, only to leave me aching with that god awful want again and again and again until i canāt feel anymore, until the only attachment i have left is the one that connects my soul to my body. Youāre ashamed of me, of my neediness, of my mistakes, you hide me from your friends, and fair enough. But you hide me from yourself too, you don't like that you canāt get enough of me either, so you run away and you drag me with you, covering me with road burns and friction rashes. You run me ragged to get better for yourself, and you have no idea you do that.
But what exactly do I do about that? I crave too much of you to act as if you never exist, especially not after youāve ruined the one attempt I made at doing just that, proving that it's impossible. That Iām a fool stuck in the eternal loop of unrequited love, or love that just cannot be, because thatās what we have, love. Calling this a crush, something so frivolous, makes me nauseous, makes me feel so disgustingly wrong, infatuation even worse. Obsession maybe, but love moreso. My friends think Iām ridiculous, they think whatās here is unimportant, not that deep. But I canāt convey how much I rely on this terrible relationship to function as myself, that without it I cannot work, that if this gear were to stop moving, my entire autonomy would fall apart. That if I do ever burn this bridge, I will never be able to build another one ever again.
Sometimes I hope something horrible happens to you, so that at least Iād finally have a reason to grieve you, so that Iād finally be able to enter the torturous sequence of moving on, so that I wonāt be burdened or left with my own disgusting thoughts all the time anymore, so that I give everyone I know a reason for my psychosis, for my desperation to angst over you. Is this really what puppy love is supposed to feel like? Is this simply the start of a lifetime of love and heartbreak? I feel like Iāve had enough of both with just this one for the entirety of my god awful lifetime. Maybe my brain grew up too fast because of this sack of horseshit we called a romance for years, maybe thatās why everything else seems like it canāt compare, because nothing was nearly as fucked as this was, as this is. Look at what youāve done to me, a labeled cheater, an indecisive bitch. Is this what you wanted from me when you came hurdling back in again, were you seeking a fucked up form of consolation, were you trying to see how much of me you still had wrapped around your fingertips, to see how far Iād go for you so that you could go back home and use the hours of sleep Iāve lost over this for yourself, earning yourself well deserved rest? Is this how we were supposed to play out? A losing side and a winning side?Ā
Iāve lost, undoubtedly and lawfully lost. This is rock bottom, it cannot possibly get worse than this, I physically cannot take worse than this.
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