A Coping Mechanism

Some day someone will see my worth without question. But til that day, I must work hard to feel anything but less than.

I am worthy of all the love I’m willing to give.

I am not unwanted.

I cried. Don’t know what for.

Just feel like I should or need to do it.

I think distance would make it less confusing.

-About some feelings that should be left alone-

Well, I definitely have some attraction to the person.

I could feel it. The nonverbal cues are too loud sometimes I’m afraid someone else would hear it too. Especially when you gravitate so near to me.

Of course it felt fun, and giddy, and exciting.

But it is such a dangerous territory to step on.

And I would never want to jeopardize anyone.

😮‍💨

On the sad side of healing again

I’d be lying if I say I don’t feel lonely.

I feel it.

On some nights, when it’s dark. The only light is from my phone screen.

My quiet phone.

No one to tell my day to.

My thoughts to.

I miss you. I miss talking to you. Joking around with you. The amount of things that I do, the length I go to to distract myself from thinking of you.

You left me like I was nothing.

Like it was nothing.

Crying again. Hm why do I feel so sad. I know it must be effect from my pms as well.

I just thinking this over and over and over in my head.

If I was so great, why am I so replaceable?

I feel so replaceable. I feel like I’m just that easy for someone to drop and leave. Like am I that insignificant?

He said he’s human too and that he made mistakes.

I can’t stop thinking about that lately.

Like, what mistakes?

Mistake that he promised me love?

Mistake that he thought he wanted me?

Another tearful night.

How empty sometimes, to feel this way.

As long as I am like this, I want to hide my face.

I woke up crying today. Perhaps it’s the menstrual cycle.

Sometimes I find myself suddenly recalling a warm moment of us, especially ones in the beginning. This morning I remembered the first time you held hands in the van going to our hiking trip, remembering how nice it felt at that time.

But then your ending words intruded.

“I don’t feel the same anymore”

“I would be faking my love”

Because you don’t remember, you don’t remember us the way I do.

How could such good things simply ended?

Because you don’t remember.

You never do. When I look back, you never remember anything.

You don’t think about us the way I do.

16 Oct 2021, 12:03AM, Zenith

Suddenly crying myself to sleep again tonight.

Scrolling on the broken side of tiktok lol

12/10/2021 8:30PM time/date of event.

13/10/2021 12:10AM time/date of writing this post.

The last tie had been severed. It is so unbelievable to think that, a person once you felt so comfortable with, one you would have built a world for, now you no longer have anything to say.

To think that, he felt absolutely nothing. And I felt absolutely everything, it is just beyond comprehension. Did he even ever love me? A question of which an answer no longer has meaning.

After I took all of my stuffs, the moment his back turned- the moment I closed the car door- I cried.

I told myself-

“ALLAH DOES NOT BURDEN A SOUL BEYOND THAT IT CAN BEAR” (2:286)

Perhaps, between the two of us, it is my soul that can handle this overbearing heartache.

And so, you are given the blessing of ignorance. And I am given a trial to overcome.

Everything will eventually get lost with time.

I’m trying to be kind to myself, I tell myself that it’s okay to cry for someone who didn’t want you. It’s not stupid. It is sad, and it’s normal reaction to cry.

But what’s not normal is that, after I cried

I became so angry. At the person.

It’s been on my mind for quite a while now so thought I should write it down maybe it’ll get off.

So much things inside that I wanted to say out loud

To no one.

but silence is all I could do.

So much anger

So much anger and pain

I think the most terrifying realization is now knowing that it doesn’t matter how good you are, if they want to leave, they will.