Hi. It’s such a long time since I wrote here. Luckily, I’m free to catch things in my brain to write again. I don’t know how to start because I want to write everything here that makes my mind crumble. Let’s see where my thoughts lead me. Here we go!
I’m quite behaved these days about myself, unlike last year I had a lot of writings about what I feel most of the time. My blog is my comfort zone where I can share and write anything without pressure. As much as I want to share what happened, I don’t have time to post here but rather keep it on my mind.
As I look and read my last posts, I’ve been hurt and still coping. Now, I’ll write everything from the day I feel cheated.
Since the day he left me (September 6 to be exact), he stopped communicating with me like I’m a stranger. Everything changed like a bubble that disappeared in a click. He leaves me hanging without any reason or words that explain why. I feel lost and acting like a crazy one, crying and waiting for him to text or call me every night, but I failed.
There are so many questions I want to ask WHY. Even my friends and family were worried about what I felt. I don’t know how I act that time.
However, despite the sorrows I had, there was sunshine after the rain. We passed our Capstone Defense. It's like a judgment for us, a thesis to be called. I was so happy that time and my sadness was covered by my joy. At least it was replaced in the short time that I was hurt.
The month of October was already entered and it was his birth month. If we were good and sweet that time, I had a surprise and trick on his birthday, but it was postponed. However, on the day of his birthday, I was monitoring his Facebook profile to stalk or look for any updates or posts of his friends on his wall. I planned that I’ll greet him before his day up, for him to think that I forgot his birthday, but I’m not. I texted him at 11:59 pm (October 4) a long message and told him that I planned everything and still love him. I didn't receive any reply because I also added that he doesn't have to reply for my good.
After it, another good thing happened, I had my internship at Convergys Bacolod (one of the best BPO companies in the country). My feelings were trying to move because of my busyness with work and I had no time to remember the heartaches. Yet, I still, miss him a lot every day.
It comes at a time when I almost forgot him and the things he’d done. I’m not as crazy to look at him on Facebook and look at his pictures on my phone and no more tears flowing every night. I’m proud of myself that I successfully overcome my sadness and am thankful at the same time.
Suddenly, as I never expect to happen. It was on the 2nd week of November when I was sleeping in the company’s quiet room that night. I had dreamed about us. I didn't even think of him those days and I lost focus on my work and it keeps on remembering what I dreamed about.
As my shift ended, I checked my phone and his name appeared in my inbox saying “Goodnight”. My body got weak and my heart beats so fast; I don’t know what to do. I refused to reply to his text because I don’t want to remember the things about him. But on the following day, he texted me again the same. I was a bit curious about what he wanted to say or trying to figure out. Also, I tried to text him “Good night” after how many days, but I didn't get any response.
The day passed and I decided not to take seriously those messages I had. But the world keeps on giving me some tests. Out of the blue, he pops on my messenger asking how am I. My world stops when I saw and read it. I don’t want to give a response but my hand typed and replied. Honestly, I assumed that maybe we’ll be together again, but on the other side I keep convincing myself not to, and I won.
Everything comes normal. The month of December entered, the happiest month to be but I was wrong. This news that makes my heart break and overflow with tears I had. My hate for him was already on the pick of my patience. I don’t know how to deal with my trust in two people who were important to me and to choose between my mom and him.
All I want is to know the truth about him and my church mate with whom they’re having good communication according to my mom who heard them talking with the girl and her mother. Of course, my mom will react because she’s the one who knows about us. The saddest thing was looking at your mother crying in front of you telling you that you've been cheated on by the man you loved and leave you. I can’t take seeing my mother crying because of me.
I can accept everything and fight my feelings in any stories I’ll hear about him. Either good or bad I can carry it, not letting my mom know or hear it. I was down and weak. I don’t know how to react to that issue and every minute I will remember it, my heart feels dragged. Even at work, I lost focus and my daily stat that was on the high percentage suddenly got down. I had coached my TL (team leader) on what happened to me, and I just cried in front of her. I can’t imagine, it was a big impact on me and also on my work.
I know, I didn't talk to him about this for any confirmation, but how can I ask him directly? It’s not about I’m not trusting him but I don’t know what’s the point of asking in the first place.
A new year passed yet we’re still not good. I tried to text him before the year ends that I want to know the truth and if he can clarify everything to me and I’m happy to hear it honestly. Until now, I’m still waiting for him to tell me everything even though he told my friend that we’re over. I want him to tell my face that we are finally over because as I remember that he just leave me without any closure at all.
Yes, I’m still hoping for him to be back because if he wants to be with me again, I’ll accept him even though my mom will not approve, I’ll fight for him as much as I can if he wants me to do because I love him so much. If not, I’ll still accept his decision and do whatever he wants me.
I don’t know why it's hard to forget my love for him. I will not act like this if he’s not doing good for us. For me, he’s the man I've wanted and I think that everything that happened to us was just a test of how strong we are. He’s not bad as you think. I understand why he has to leave, but he hanged me without any closure. I know he loves me too but he can’t give me the full love I wanted because of some circumstances. I trust him, but still so hard to choose.
As much as I want to find someone better that him because of what he did, something is holding me not to. I was open to someone to know and get mingle but my heart was on him.
Right now, there’s a man who’s courting me. He’s good and gentle the way I know him. He knows about my previous relationship and luckily understands. As he told me, he's willing to wait for the time that everything will be okay and accept my decision if I can't choose him in the end. At least I made him happy by knowing me. A kind person like him was perfect to be with, but there was something I can't be because my heart was left. I don’t want to make him hang on me.
They have some similarities to the man I love when it comes to their wants. I love the way he gave efforts to catch me around. Honestly, he has a chance to get me but I don’t want to cheat on my feelings because I still love someone.
Looking back on the things that happened, I can't deny that my love for him was like a roller coaster ride, ended up loving him so much!
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