Mom, Wife, Veteran.

I guess you go through so many stupid breakups and losses of friends in life to prepare you for the big ones. When somethhng breaks so deeply in your relationship with a family member that it feels like all hope is lost.

We are having baby #3 in March! JW will turn into JWE maybe? Not entirely settled on a name. But probably! We also moved from Oklahoma to NORWAY in July. Big move. We are nuts.

It’s been ok, what am I saying? It’s sucked. A lot. We have had struggles getting settled, mainly because of the stark differences of an entirely different burecratic system than anything we are used to. Thanking God that we had the support of my husbands job, they set up this move and provided us with tools to help it get a little more comfortable. Buuuuut, that proved to still be a feat because the whole country took July off basically and I had to figure much of it out on my own. It’s fine. This is fine.

We took J and W to the Great Wolf Lodge this last weekend! It was honestly a ton of fun! We are going to take them back pretty soon because we got a 50% off offer and that place is so expensive that it seems like a crime to not take them up on it.

Last thought before my head hits the pillow.

This month has been rough, I can’t lie. Maybe it’s been rough since like August actually. It’s been a while. I haven’t been myself, or maybe, I’ve been a version of myself that (up until recently) I never realized was a regular thing. I’ve ignored the hole I fall in, almost annually, for about 18 years now. I laid here and thought back years and years and I can pick out waves of depression that ruled me for months, Every. Single. Year. Also, like a good chunk of us, i have never seen a counselor.

My current excuse? Because I am a SAHM that doesn’t have time for herself. That’s true, it is, but it’s becoming more and more clear how much I need to make time for myself. My RBF is getting sad I suppose, because J asked me “what’s wrong momma??” today when I thought I looked happy. My babies don’t need a momma that looks sad....they need a momma that’s healthy and happy. It’s okay to be me and feel the way I do, but it’s not okay to not seek help when available.

So: Lady, I’m talking to you! MAKE. TIME. FOR. YOURSELF.

One more gem: when I’m stuck in my hideyhole that I can now call DEPRESSION, I tend to think everyone hates me. (Shocker, I know) But my super cool sister quoted a super cool friend of hers the other day and it went something like this “What other people think about you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”. That’s kind of harsh at first, but really, it isn’t any of your business! It shouldn’t concern you, because you shouldn’t care. That’s so hard to really embody, but it’s so important. It really is. That’s my big goal, to stop caring what a single person thinks of me! Because those moments where I’m FREE, I freaking shine, y’all. When I’m not worrying about what others think, I am a magical unicorn and I love myself.

Who were you, before the world told you who you should be?

Mom’s, Dad’s, Adults who chose not to have kids, adults who couldn’t have kids, anybody; this ones for you.

Don’t discredit your joy, or your fear. Don’t count yourself out before you’ve tried. Don’t shame yourself if you can’t bring yourself to try. Don’t call yourself lazy or dumb for not wanting to do something, or not being able to do something. It’s a good thing to work hard and provide for yourself, it’s a good thing to be proud of yourself, it’s a good thing to want to share your accomplishments. If you feel that you’ve missed out on something because you were busy building your life, why? Who told you that you should have been doing that other thing that you think you missed? It’s easy to get caught up in who you think you should be, but when that happens; you’re missing out on who you are. If you don’t like who you are, fix it. Change it. Work on it. But make sure you get a good clear view of how amazing you are before you decide you’re no good.

J is doing this thing lately where he repeats everything we say as a question.

Me: come on, buddy, get in the car!

J: come-on bud-dy? Get in the car?

He stops what he’s doing and says it slow. It’s so easy on a morning where we are already running late to get frustrated with him. The other day he did it and I had happened to check our garage camera that day to see when a utility guy stopped by, I saw the video of me putting him in the car, I saw myself when I got frustrated and rolled my eyes at him. Why? Why.

He’s 3. He’s by no means a baby but he also isn’t a child yet. He’s learning and he’s so smart, and I have to check myself and make sure that I’m not giving him attitude, or he will learn to give it right back to me.

Well. I’m here. I’m alive. But I can’t lie, I’ve been struggling quite a bit emotionally lately. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and just down right like I could cry for a full day.

Don’t forget about me, I’ll be back to write some funnies before too long, I’m just wading through an emotional swamp at the moment.

When you go on “vacay” but still have homework, do it. My laptop was apparently just an ornamental piece to accompany my traveling. Because I did not use it once and yesterday as soon as I got home, the race was on. I was exhausted and somehow still had to do a precal midterm AND bust out 2 pages on enterprise data warehouses and another two on decision support systems, APA style.

Also. GO TO COLLEGE WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG. Don’t wait. Get that crap out of the way. Or technical school, or whatever you have to do to receive some sort of professional certification that will separate you from the pack of people that just hopes they can be millionaires without any experience, education, or goals. I mean it does happen, but let’s be realistic...the vast majority of us need a few extra letters behind our name to make it happen.

LORT.

The airplane greed is getting ridiculous. United wanted to charge me an extra $73 for economy plus! $73! WHAT. I thought “nah, I’m good”.

Listen. I am 5’5” on a good day with thick shoes. LOOK AT MY KNEES (pictured). Nooooo. The need to pack as many people in, make room for seats with more legroom and then charge me 1/3 of my original ticket price just to sit there instead is absolutely ludicrous. But, the monopolistic ways of the airline industry make it so I can’t do a single thang about it. On my flight from OKC to Denver, I was sailing through trig and precal problems with my TI-84 like it wasn’t hard (way proud of my focus), and then the (probably polite) dude in front of me leaned back like he was Snoop cruisin Rodeo. My computer did a 45° fold and actually put itself to sleep. That is how little room I had once he relaxed. I can’t. I spent the next 5 minutes hurrying up to finish and submit my stuff, with the help of the onboard WiFi, so I could quit feeling like I was a weirdo in a clown car tucking my elbows just to make it work.

I also stupidly thought the larger plane from Denver to Seattle would have more room. Lies. 30 inches of pitch, people. For $73 more I could have had 35. Guess it is worth it.

Those posts that talk about how moms stay up way too late? Oh yeah, that’s me. Every ounce. I have class on Wednesday’s, because I’m the classic 29-year-old college student. I’m a junior this year and holy bajeebus am I ready to be done with this junk. Anyways, my class goes from 6-9:20p MT, so 7-10:20p for me. I try to get as much done in the 3 hours after my husband is home and before class starts so I can magically roll right into my bed and sleep like the queen I am (let’s all laugh together). But, alas, I have to fold 2 loads of laundry, clean the kitchen, break down cardboard boxes, give the doggies some love, and whatever else I see on my way to the bed. Before I know it, it’s midnight and the baby is stirring for a feed and it’ll be another 30 minutes before I can go to sleep....

This song and dance I have described is similar to every mom out there, I bet you’re nodding along saying YAS GURL in your head. We can’t turn off even when we need to give ourselves rest.

The baby awoke at 6:15 today, I lollygagged around hoping he’d drift back off for an hour but he didn’t. My to-do list is a million miles long and my coffee won’t be strong enough. But I get to take a flight tonight! I am going to see my sister! This has become somewhat of an annual trip, and I really look forward to it! A quick weekend trip by myself to hang out with my BFF. It’s usually exactly what the doctor ordered. Just long enough to recharge but not so long that I feel crazy guilty for going. I feel guilty, absolutely, but not CRAZY guilty. I’m not sure why we are gifted with the ability to crave alone time so much and then also tear ourselves apart for having it when we get it, but that’s something I could do without.

Either way, my bags are packed, and the countdown is on! I’m ready! I may cry the entire time, but I’m going dammit. And I’m going to sleep the whole way there....

I have, for a long time, been the person with “a big heart”. I’ve been the one who doesn’t let go or doesn’t give up, I’m loyal. I’m basically a golden retriever (less hairy, less cute). In the past 3 years my family has been through a lot. We welcomed our first baby, we finished out life as active duty, we moved (twice), we lived in separate states, we bought a house, we lived back under the same roof, we welcomed our second baby, wild. You get it. I also experienced two of the most emotional friend break-ups I’ve ever had over the course of those years.

One came over time; she withdrew, she lied, she made excuses, she left. The leaving wasn’t her choice (deployment), but all the actions around it were. There are many many details you don’t need to know, but what I want to share is that she broke my heart in a way I didn’t understand. A way I wasn’t aware could happen. She ripped the rug out and then the bandaid off and disappeared, which is fine. That’s happened, but she NEVER CAME BACK. Y’all. Golden retriever. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to NOT fix it. I always thought we would work it out. I mourned that friendship.

The second happened all wrapped up in the first, it was quick. The whole friendship was a whirlwind. The finger-hearts-BFF-buy-you-coffee-and-go-shopping-and-sing-karaoke kind. This one I didn’t take care of. I got busy and in my busy time of trying to figure out HOW my life was about to fall apart and how i could stop it. I was losing my first friend while I was growing my friendship with the second (soon to be loss), and it was a good chunk of my fault. However, i was not okay. Emotionally, I wasn’t. I was about to spend a year apart from my husband with a toddler in a different state while working as a new civilian and going to school. I was fried and terrified. And then my grandmother died. And friend 2 had the audacity to be mad at me for letting our friendship die. I still, to this day, have not figured out a way to even say my peace to that. And I might not ever.

But old dogs can learn new tricks, because I’ve learned finally that while it’s okay to be entirely loyal, you don’t have to be. You don’t have to give reasons for taking care of yourself. You don’t have to mend a broken friendship. You don’t have to have the closure. Not with them, but you owe it to yourself to let go. Move on. Clean up and clean out. You’re making room for people that will again, change you, and sometimes hurt you. And that’s okay too.