THE JESTER🃏

There are times I'm lonely to the point that it physically hurts, all I want is to be a part of someone's world, the special part. I want to give my love to someone and in return they give me theirs, at times it's all I can think about. If I'm being honest there are definitely times I cherish being alone, but I think loneliness outweighs those times. Where are you at?

My life is pain, my life is a struggle. Always trying to fight to do what Is right. Seeing those who gave into the pain a long time ago and how happy they seem to be. They seem to have found purpose and contentment. And at time I envy them for that because all I want to do is continue to do what is right but I don't feel that I am strong enough. I am confused at times and it is painful. There are times that I just want to stop trying but then I would lose what little joy I have. I guess In some ways it makes me feel better about myself in the sense that after all that I've gone through and continue to go through I haven't given up when it would be very easy and quick to just quit, but I won't quit and one day when I stand awaiting judgement I will stand by every decision I have made and whatever happens I will accept it because I have to. My life is not my own to squander and yet I have struggled through the last 10 years of it. Beaten down and still not given up. I hope that counts for something. If it doesn't and I am to meet my end, then at least let me go quickly and peacefully. But if my potential is to be reached I know I could do some good and find that happiness I crave, because right now, in this life, it eludes me.

Trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm praying for something to lift my spirits for once!! I feel like I need a kickstart to get the ball rolling so I can get out of this stupid rut😪😪😪 Please let it be this! Please let it be tonight.

After putting all my eggs in one basket as I usually do, and getting let down once again, I feel even more numb than the last time… it feels as if I have no purpose. It sounds dramatic but I feel useless. My heart hurts and yearns for those that can never be mine... why do I do this to myself. I feel so emotional and i can't control it.

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This is what it feels like when your heart breaks I wasn't the guy you chose.... I wish you happiness ES

Are things fading...? I miss you but I will never know if you miss me. It seems like an eternity since I've seen you face to face, that beautiful face, the one that is yours alone, and the one that I want to call mine forever. Your laugh plays like a song that's stuck in my head, but I don't mind, I could hear it on repeat till the day I die.... if I die, and when I die, if you're by my side I will die a happy man. But until that day I hope I can make you a happy woman. And if I can't then I hope you will be a happy woman. You've been through so much and you've come so far, you deserve happiness even if you don't think so. If I were face to face with you right now i wouldn't speak a word, I would just look you in the eye and tenderly kiss your lips. I would give anything for that dream to be a reality, anything, including myself. I will be selfless not selfish, I don't want this world for myself I want to give you my world and if you can't see that then maybe you don't deserve it but it honestly doesn't make me want to give it to you any less.... You're an angel and I hope these feelings never fade, never fleet, never retreat. These feelings have been here for a long time but I'm hoping you will enable them to stay forever.

Keeping feelings at bay, while not letting them die is like running your hand over an open flame because your fingers are cold. Either it's too cold or it's way too hot. Either it doesn't hurt at all or it hurts like hell. How do I do this? Is it worth it? I feel like giving it my all is worth it but if I'm the fool at the end of the line it'll be like getting hit by a train... Power over me.

It hurts. I almost forgot what this felt like.... now I remember. It sucks.

Sometimes life gives you more than lemons, sometimes if gives you a debilitating disease. And no one ever expects that... the chance to be a fighter, a warrior, a courageous human being is only found when you have something worth fighting for, worth beating.... I guess you could say I'm a warrior. Not all warriors are strong. Most warriors are seen when they are in the heat of the battle, slaying their enemy and basking in the glory.... but when that warrior is alone, I doubt they reminisce on the glorious times. For warriors are only as strong as their silent battles. Those are the true fights that matter. And that's what makes them a warrior. The mental war that rages on inside, trying to make them give up and be destroyed... but for a true warrior this is not a possibility. All it takes is to keep trying and keep fighting back even if you know you can't win. When a warrior dies, no one says he fails for dying, they say he succeeded for keeping up the fight.

I never was a huge believer in second chances but when you get tossed a second chance it's hard not to swing at it. Just when I thought all hope was lost, you came to me in a dream and now I have the courage to make a move, I just pray that it works out and that I'm not too late, but all I know is at least I didn't let it pass me by again.