We are not too far off in age, and you entered the music world right as I hit puberty.
I can turn on each album and enter nostalgia. I reflect time that has passed while the music hits.
The first album, I just entered highschool. I felt guilty to enjoy your music so much because I was super “emo.” A my chemical romance die hard.
Throughout highschool I was odd and awkward. Theater choir child from the middle of nowhere. When I entered highschool I didn’t expect it to be as big as it was and it was huge. I felt the need to reinvent myself in highschool and I didn’t want my dark hair and all black clothes to define me. I didn’t want to maintain a black and white interest in life. So I let myself grow. I wouldn’t say I confirmed, but I dressed with no boundaries, i tried everything, and I listened to what made me feel good without feeling like a “poser”. Ya know because highschool makes you question your identity.
Oh and then fearless came out around the same time I became boy crazy. Gosh I was in love that couple of years. With different people. Just finding myself, living as an adolescent in highschool.
Then came graduation and speak now came out. My mom, who moved to my town to be with me senior year, sung in this chapter with me. Driving to school, picking me up from rehearsals, helping me paint my after graduation day dreams.
Coming from a small small town, a dysfunctional home, parents who had us young and fought addiction, I only had day dreams. Not so much guidance. It’s a gray area of my life I like. My parents are from LA, moved out after my brother. To a small town in the desert. My half sister remained in LA. My mother helped a day dream come true. We formulated a plan for me to move to LA after graduation. I lived with my father my whole life. I didn’t tell him till the day of graduation because I knew it would break his heart. He tried as a father, his wife did not. It broke his heart. He told me I wasn’t aloud. I moved, and him and my boyfriend of two years packed a car and he watched me leave his acres of land in the middle of nowhere to the city.
Living wild. Trying out in theaters and Disney. Going to Hollywood blvrd. Shopping. Eating. Concerts. The ocean. Boys and girls. College. Growth.
I had the time of my life in LA. But the city wasn’t for me, and I went to the woods of the desert and you released red.
I left a boy behind in California. Lived there for two years. He broke my heart. Red is forever his song. That album I left the city, the boy, and met new. New people. New lovers. New ideas. New jobs. New schools. New atmosphere.
Living so freely things happen. And so did becoming a young mother.
I listened to the shit outta that. Especially with my love life track record and blank space was a hit. Boy did I feel that song in my very soul.
During these young mother times I had experienced death, family members relapsing to meth. Another move... back to the desert home town. So lost. So unsure of myself. I was with a woman for two years. An escape from my reality until it became toxic.
It ended. And I got back with my childhood sweet heart. Not innocently. I was still a single mothers living downtown. Gardening, drinking whiskey, studying still, working full time. I felt empowered. I was dating someone, living alone as a single mom going to school and work. I felt grand. And this boy... I think he loved seeing the independence and he stole it from me. Gracefully.
We are love. We made a Home. But any long time relationship has turmoil. Going on five years of writing this story.
He hurt me. He hurt me the summer of 2017 so furiously. It’s became the news of this small town. My reputation of this strong independent woman was crumbling and this relationship I built with him became the talk of the town. It was my fall from grace, right off the pedal stool. You dropped reputation a month later. Man that was fuel to my flame to reinvent myself.
I went through a weird time. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, my life, my family, anything. I wasn’t sure. I stayed quiet and I brainstormed. I got myself going back to things I dreamed about since before motherhood. I told myself I could do things I limited myself from because of fear of failure because I was a young single mom.
I did reinvent myself. Started getting my career on the ball. Back in school now with two babies. And working full time. Working on a broken relationship in a small town. I became soft and forgiving. I left things that served me no purpose. I worked on myself. I worked on the dusty parts of myself.
Lover came out when I felt like myself again. If I was the man was my theme song as I would buy my coffee before work and drop off my babies. I would sing it with my girls and tell them they are incredible. I worked, on my home, myself, my education and my family.
Life turns upside down. My longtime boyfriend becomes my husband. My family is estranged. Husband re-enlist because jobs in the small town were tight. My family is uprooted. Move to Kansas, a place we’ve never been. My family ... they can be cruel. And they can be harsh.
I had to move myself. Husband was across the country and we didn’t have the money to stay in two houses so. I left my world behind. I took what I could pack in my truck. I had no support. Just me, my two girls, my two dogs and a husband across the country. I drove 1700 miles with these little woman.
I left my whole life behind. All the memories and the materialistic things I have collected since I left my childhood home, left in the review.
Starting anew, in a new world. I panicked. And you released folklore. It was the soundtrack of the 1700 miles.
This chapter I have moved, built a new home. Adjusted to a new life and started taking care of my mental health and spirituality. And with it I will listen to folklore and evermore.
I am enjoying some reflection and listening to the music. I appreciate the small things this wild world offers.
