all distinctions are mind, by mind, in mind, of mind

❄ although one is full inside of the inside of the outside・one is on the outside of one’s own inside・and by getting inside the outside one remains empty because while one is on the inside ❄

jdj, he/him, Mad, physically & cognitively disabled. adult.

this is a "secret vent blog" primarily but there are less unstable postings from me discussing my experiences, sometimes. i also reblog things that comfort me or are related to my brain issues in some manner

there is mature content on this blog and guro. curate your own experience, my tag system is under the cut and you can go and block what you want. there is a list that kind of functions like a dni/byf too.

I have polyfragmented DID and childhood-onset schizophrenia. I call myself a schizodissociative to indicate that they are the same unit of disorder.

Discussing and coping/having an outlet for this is primarily what the blog is for.

All of my mental issues stem from that one (two) thing(s). e.g., I have a disordered personality, but my personality development was impacted by schizophrenia, so I cannot "have a PD" in the same way I would if it wasn't. in practice, this means PDs are useful frameworks to address my trauma adaptations, but the frameworks are heavily altered to suit the way my symptoms present, and I may flux between different ones depending on which one helps most. I am most consistently borderline and narcissistic, but I may occasionally use schizoid frameworks.

I have an undiagnosed physical illness as well. It's suspected to be an autoimmune or connective tissue disorder right now, and I'm expecting a diagnosis like lupus (sle) or mixed connective tissue disease in the near future.

❄ even the inside of the outside is outside and inside oneself there is still nothing・there has never been anything else and there never will be ❄

i feel cognitively like what i'm doing would be socially recognized as bad ('lying' to my partner about that i'd be asleep even though it was unintentional i was planning to sleep before i was offered beer) i don't really care, i know it's socially expected because it's polite to let her know i'm not doing that actually but i don't really care feel like it's better when people percieve me as unavailable

maybe i feel fucking bitchy because it's part of the flare the heat is fucking awful and my rash is burning so maybe my mood souring is to be expected It's been there almost daily whether i'm fully in the dark or not and it lasts for hours and i end up passing out for the entire afternoon it's so bullshit and my joints always hurt the most during this and i can't think at all the picture keeps getting closer and closer to lupus the longer this goes on and it's scaring me so fucking bad i'm never going to get accomodated in this house i never have been the entire duration of my life has just been falling ill and being completely unrecognized for it i have to ask my brother what he was diagnosed with too he also has something skin triggered by sun exposure i keep forgetting to do it because it's just been two decades of medical issues gaslighted into oblivion by my fucking parents and now i'm fucking stuck with them because it caused more medical issues