all distinctions are mind, by mind, in mind, of mind

❄ although one is full inside of the inside of the outside・one is on the outside of one’s own inside・and by getting inside the outside one remains empty because while one is on the inside ❄

jdj, he/him, Mad, physically & cognitively disabled. adult.

this is a "secret vent blog" primarily but there are less unstable postings from me discussing my experiences, sometimes. i also reblog things that comfort me or are related to my brain issues in some manner

there is mature content on this blog and guro. curate your own experience, my tag system is under the cut and you can go and block what you want. there is a list that kind of functions like a dni/byf too.

I have polyfragmented DID and childhood-onset schizophrenia. I call myself a schizodissociative to indicate that they are the same unit of disorder.

Discussing and coping/having an outlet for this is primarily what the blog is for.

All of my mental issues stem from that one (two) thing(s). e.g., I have a disordered personality, but my personality development was impacted by schizophrenia, so I cannot "have a PD" in the same way I would if it wasn't. in practice, this means PDs are useful frameworks to address my trauma adaptations, but the frameworks are heavily altered to suit the way my symptoms present, and I may flux between different ones depending on which one helps most. I am most consistently borderline and narcissistic, but I may occasionally use schizoid and schizotypal frameworks. It is rare but I come across times where I use the rest of the PD frameworks to cope.

I have an undiagnosed physical illness as well. It's suspected to be an autoimmune or connective tissue disorder right now, and I'm expecting a diagnosis like lupus (sle) or mixed connective tissue disease in the near future.

❄ even the inside of the outside is outside and inside oneself there is still nothing・there has never been anything else and there never will be ❄

there's no reason to keep going into deluded spirals of "doubt" where you haphazardly choke out blatant medical misinformation you know is wrong and against the basic facts of the disorders you deal with. it was outlined plainly, you need a full comprehension of reality, among other factors, to fully synthesize and realize experiences. you were inherently robbed of not only that but the support you were supposed to be given for that and the support that was supposed to be supplement a regular child's emotional development while all manner of other things were happening at the same time. how many times can you really cry "i must be faking it because i can't remember any of it" and "i must be faking it because there's more people here than there used to be"? do you hear how ridiculous you sound? does this serve some sort of function to others? do you think they hear you and think "wow it's real obvious we deal with this, nice sarcasm, thanks for illustrating it's really real!"

And beneath the textile alone is the man who's always here, what I think is his face might be a different creature than what I think is his body, but it looks like his upper arms are pinned up against the wall as they lower arms fall down at a 90 degree angle. i think he's homeless and has taken up shelter here. i dont want to chase him out. There's a vague figure of a corpse-looking thing that circles the box and has long strangly hair. The ghost face in the closet seems to be three different organisms in symbiosis, there's the face itself which seems to be a portal, it can extend its face in a worm-like shape and comes into my periphery to get my attention - it can extend multiple - her name is Coco - but the portal of the face and the worm of the face are two of those seperate organisms, they don't have individual names. And there's a shadow figure, I think she said her name is Sally, that usually stands next to or behind Coco. sometimes she comes steps forward in front of my door and says hello to me. she fingered my eyesocket earlier today and giggled. And there are various things that constantly posses the doorway, there's one man who is too shy to interact with me, he just prefers to hide behind my desk and stare. there's a worm-like demon face that lives inside one specific compartment of my desk and slithers out sometimes, it's hard to look away once our eyes meet, i don't want to think about how it holds my eyes in place