Ronan O'Brien

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird

A playlist by Ronan O’Brien

To: Juliet Lourd

1. Never Say Never- The Fray

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aihu16RyYp8

2. All of Me- John Legend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk7-GRWq7wA

3. Love Someone- Lukas Graham

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN44xpHjNxE

4. A Thousand Years- Christina Perri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

5. Flightless bird, American Mouth- Iron & Wine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGVmhrfQqzg

6. Like I;m Gonna Lose You- Meghan Trainor & John Legend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-MBfn8XjIU

7. Don’t Give Up On Me- Andy Grammer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouEezpuPc3A

8. Faithfully- Journey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMD8hBsA-RI

9. Halo- Beyonce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVUHWCynig

10. Having My Baby- Paul Anka

Secret-

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.” 

Every one is hiding something. Secrets have become a firm foundation in society and even human nature. Perhaps that is why most people do not feel any kind of guilt when hiding a piece of themselves from those surrounding them. Ronan had never really been the kind to be withholding. As a child and even into his teenage years, many called him an open book. He was far too opinionated for his own good and was never afraid to speak his truth. He’d even found secrets rather annoying, until his life changed. He finally had something he didn’t care to shout from the roof tops of the giant city he called home, and he would do whatever he could to make sure no one found out.

“Your life seems to be moving in a positive direction as of late. How are you coping with your new stressors?” By now Ronan was used to the woman who sat across from him. He’d been seeing her once, maybe twice a week, for the last almost five months. She now knew him more than anyone else, possibly even Juliet. It is not that he is ashamed to be going to therapy... actually he is. He’d always had this mindset that it was a weakness to dump your problems on someone else. While these sessions were necessary and he felt a thousand times better afterwards, he still felt embarrassment. Of course Jules knew about it, he couldn’t keep anything from her. But there were even times he wished she didn’t know. He can see the way she looks at him when he seems slightly stressed. She is afraid of him breaking again, rightfully so, but Ro hates feeling broken. Especially now that the two of them were expecting a child.

After a few moments of silence he clears his throat. “It hasn’t been too bad so far. Juliet was really sick in the beginning of the pregnancy. That had me worried but she’s getting outside of that window now that shes in her second trimester.” The woman does her trademark nod and hum before speaking. “How are you feeling though? Becoming a parent is exciting yes, but also very emotional. It is okay to feel worried or even to have thoughts of doubt. It is normal and healthy.” Chewing his bottom lip, “I just want to do the best that I can. For both Juliet and the baby. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am too broken. Maybe they’d deserve better.” Settling her notebook in her lap, the woman leans forward slightly. “And that is normal. Especially when your condition is what led to you guys splitting up before. Just remember when you feel the triggers or stressors, to practice the techniques you have been using. Breathing, taking a walk or even just journaling.” 

“So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go”

Song- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRrKfflJLnE

Trigger Warning- Suicide mentioned.

All of his life, Ronan wondered one thing. Why was he not enough for her. What was so wrong with him, his existence that made her want to end her life. She was fine before he came along, her life was happy with Connor and his daid. Was he a bad baby, fussy and unsatisfied? He had to of been, to drive her to such lengths that she found salvation in a pill bottle. Naturally his father told him countless times her death was no ones fault, she was sick and made a conscious decision. No matter how many times Ro heard it, he still found a small part of him that held blame. He’d often look at her pictures, smiling and happy faced. How could he have helped her, a small child of just six months old.  

Today was no different, sitting in quarantine his mind buzzing, holding her picture firm in his grasp. There were so many times he wished he could climb inside the photograph and talk to her. Leaning forward, he held his gaze on her face and began to speak to her as if she was sitting next to him in his living-room. “Mam, tell me why? Was life that difficult that you left us? I know your letter said it was no ones fault. But I blame myself, that I wasn’t old enough to ask the tough questions. That I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t be enough.” Palming at his cheek, brushing the tears that escaped away he lets out a sigh. “Juliet is pregnant mam. You would have been a grandma, the best in the world. You could have sang her the songs you sang to me. That would have been a sight.”

5 years ago...

Trigger Warning: Mentions Parkinson’s Disease.

“When a friend or family member is diagnosed with Parkinson's, there are many battles that need to be tackled. Most importantly, support, love and understanding are imperative for the sufferer, the carer and the families.... Do a lot of encouraging and try your hardest to continue on in a normal way.”

Ronan and Juliet had just moved into their new apartment. Settling in and decorating it in any way they’d like was by far the best part. The lad had left a few boxes at his fathers house and had made plans to stop by later that day to gather them. It was hard to leave the place he’d called home since moving to New York from Ireland seven years prior. Mostly because his daid was his best friend and he truly enjoyed their time together. Ronan had promised the man to come by for dinner at least once a week. They would still go for their trips to the park and go see films at the cinema. He often worried about his father, while he was not elderly, he was not young anymore. He’d noticed the mans hands had started to have a slight shake every once in a while. The annoyed look on his daid’s face evident. It was obvious he hated getting older, but what human doesn’t? 

As he scaled the steps to the place he’d called home, he pushed open the door. “Daid, I am here to gather the last of my things. Can I use your car?” As he rounds the corner to the living room he sees his father laying on the floor. His cell phone must have slipped from his grasp as it was across the room and out of reach. “What the hell happened!?” Ronan was clearly worried as he helped his daid to a sitting position. “I am not sure. I was feeling very stiff this morning and I got up to go grab a bite and my legs just tightened up. I couldn’t move them and then I lost my balance. It all happened do fast...” Running his hand over his face, the young man lets out a sigh. “I should call an ambulance..” His father holds a hand up, cutting him off. “No. You are here now. I will just have to get a check up with my family doctor.” Nodding Ro pulls his phone out and starts dialing a number. As the other end answers he begins to speak. “Yes this is Ronan O’Brien...” His voice trails off as he explains what happened. After a few quick nods and yeses he clicks the end button. “They can see you in thirty. Lets go I am driving you.”

 After some protest, Ronan was able to get his dad in the vehicle and drive to his doctors office. While the man might not think anything of the situation, Ro knew better. After several minutes of waiting to be called back, his daid’s name was called. His weight was collected as well as his vitals. The doctor asked a long list of questions. Shakey hands or feet, check. Uncontrollable movements, check. Limb stiffness or slow movements, check. The look on her face told Ronan he had made the right decision bringing him in to be seen. And the tone in her voice as she spoke made that even more clear. “Finneas I want to be straight forward with you. I believe you have Parkinson’s Disease. All of your symptoms aligned with the amount of weight you have lost since your last visit has me pretty confident.” 

Trigger warning: Suicide mentioned.

What if Ronans mom had never committed suicide, therefore he never moved to New York, and he never met Juliet.

“And I’d choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, i’d find you and i’d choose you.”

His eyes peek open, the morning sun causing him to place his arm across his face as a shield. Rolling to sit on the edge of the bed, he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. The headache that throbbed in his head was a reminder that he’d drank far too much last night. A voice from behind him causes him to jump. “Hey you want coffee?” He is met with the face of the stranger he’d gone home with the night before. Stacey...Samantha...Did she even tell him her name? “Uh no thanks. I should get going. I was supposed to have brunch with my family today.” Grabbing his jeans he pulls them up his legs. As he button his shirt he glances at the clock and sees he is already late. “Fuck! I really gotta go...” As he attempts to get around her, she grabs his arm. “We should do this again.” Internally he rolls his eyes, externally he nods and makes his way out the door. As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk his phone starts ringing. “Hey mam..” The woman on the other end starts yelling “I know I am sorry. I am on my way... I promise I am not drunk... Ok I will see you soon.” Slipping his phone into his pocket, Ronan climbs into his beat up old car and makes his way to his family home.

“Hello...” He yells as he walks down the hallway of his childhood home. “Mam?” As he rounds the wall he is met by three pairs of eyes. Cue the judgement, his internal voice says. “Ronan, what the hell had you so consumed, that you are late? Your mam worked hard this morning and now the food is cold.” His fathers disapproval was very clear not only on his face, but in his voice. His Irish accent was always slightly thicker when he was angry. Before he can respond, his older brother Connor chimes in. “Most likely another lass from the pub. What tis this Ro, girl number 3 this week?” He could his his mams jaw drop from the corner of his eye. “Oh lord...” Her tongue clicks against the roof of her mouth. “What is wrong with ya? Yer not gonna find a nice girl to marry if you are just sleeping around.” Drawing in a deep breath, Ronan focuses on his food. Sitting in very uncomfortable silence for far too long. “Will the lot of ya stop staring at me? I am not some caged animal to be gawked at.” His fathers hand slams down on the table, everyone looks at him. His eyes are glued to Ronan, all he could focus on was the migraine that had now replaced the headache. “What are ya doin with yer life Ro? All ya do is play guitar at the pub, get drunk and sleep around. What is gonna happen if you get one of these random lassies pregnant? I sure am not raising no bastard...” His mams hand goes up, cutting of Finneas’ words. 

Her blue eyes meet his and Ronan can see the gentleness in them. “We just want what is best fer ya. This path you’ve chosen isn’t healthy.” Deep down he knows she is right. All he has ever wanted to do was make music. Somewhere along the way he was knocked off course. Sucked into the same routine of bad habits and shitty friends. “I gotta go. Thanks for the food mam.” He kisses her forehead and walks out to his car. 

-----------Later that night,

The pub was more crowded than on most nights. It was open mic night and several acts had shown up. He sits towards the back with his group of friends. Most of which are already three sheets to the wind. His friend Mac hands him a glass of whiskey, the only other nearly sober person in their group. Mac was Ronan’s best friend for as long as he could recall. He only came out for open mics and hardly drank. He’d gotten married just three months ago and since then he was a homebody. Truth was, Ro envied him. “So yer parents really gave ya shit today yeah!?” As he took a sip from his glass, Ro shook his head. “Yeah, scared I am going to give em a bastard for a grandchild.” Shrugging his shoulders, he rolls his eyes. “I just haven’t met anyone I would consider settling for. All the lassies around her are the same.” Macs head bobs to the beat of the music some small funk band is playing. “I mean I get it. I never thought I would settle down, until I met Becks. Lucky for me shes from London.” 

As he finished his glass, and got a refill, he heard a bunch of hooting and hollering coming from the front end of the pub. “Whats got their trousers in a bunch?” Ro and Mac push through the crowd of people for a closer look. Sitting on a stool, just her and a microphone is a blonde. She strums the fingers of her free hand along her slender thigh as the music begins to play. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips expertly before she begins to sing. Without realizing it, Ro’s hand is against his chest, his jaw likely resting on the floor. Mac pulls his attention from her and his eyes take in the mans reaction. “Yo, you okay??” Waving his hand in front of his face and snapping his fingers to get Ronan’s attention. “Earth to Ro!” As he exhales all of the air from his lungs, her blue eyes meet his and he says, “I am going to marry that girl.”

His blue eyes never left her as she walked into the apartment. Every movement, the look on her face. He knew she was expecting to find he’d completely changed the place. He had considered it many times, thinking it may help him. But truthfully, he enjoyed her memories haunting him. It was a reminder of what he had ruined and that he had to fix it. Seeing her now, looking out the same window she had looked out a hundred times before, solidified that need. To make things right, to earn her forgiveness. Ronan was unsure how much longer he would survive without her scrunch nosed kisses. Her fingers through his hair as he fell asleep. The way she said I love you in her sleepy voice as she was waking up. 

Pulling off his jacket, he slung it over the back of the island chair. Nodding at her words, he made his way to the couch and sat down, turning his body to face hers. He felt nervous, like he was being interviewed for a job he wanted more than anything. Her eyes scrutinized him as he ran his palms down the length of his thighs, hoping to rid them of the sweat that was forming. “I want to start by saying I am sorry...” Clearing his throat, he glanced around before meeting her eyes again. “I never should have walked out the way I did. I just, I didn’t know what was happening to me. My brain was on autopilot and I was losing all control of myself.” Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, he lets out a breath. “It is no excuse though. You deserve so much more than that, Especially after everything we have been through.”

TRAITS:

As a child, Ronan’s father had always said he was a typical Virgo, just like his mother. Not only did the young man embody her physically but also mentally. As he had gotten older, he started to see the ways he fit the star sign and the ways he truly didn’t. He’d actually analyzed the characteristics associated with the Virgo sign many times. He could agree that he was Loyal, Hardworking and very very organised. The last one he knew Juliet could attest to. She’d always picked on him for how clean and tidy he was. His way of maintaining control. He was loyal to those in his tribe, his family and close friends. He was always the kind of person who would go to the ends of the earth to help, he’d even give the very shirt off his back if need be. You can see his hardworking nature in the way he runs his business. You can also see this characteristic in how he is dedicated to his most precious relationships. 

One characteristic he has always had a hard time connecting himself to is being uptight. He actually had been told on many occasions just how laid back he is. It could be the perfectionist side of him that may have the potential to make him appear uptight.  Ronan also has the tendency to be self critical. From the time he was a lad, he’d always put a vast amount of pressure on himself to go above and beyond. He wanted to please all authority figures, and this would often lead to him tearing himself down and often discrediting his hard work. As he has gotten older, Ronan is learning that not everyone can be pleased. In the end, he is his own worst critic and holds himself to incredibly high standards. 

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: 

“Virgos thrive on deep and intellectual connections. They are supportive and loyal romantic partners, and take a deep interest in their loved one's interests and life. A Virgo will genuinely make an effort to get to know their partner's interests and their mind, and is subtle in expressing their feelings and showing their affections.

Virgo characteristics are romantically compatible with Taurus, Scorpio, Cancer and Capricorn traits.”

Connor, 

Do you remember when we were kids and Dad as busy working, because he had to work extra hard after mam died. And you were older than me and would likely have rather done anything else in the world than entertain your little brother. But, you always did. We’d spend hours playing make believe in the back, pretending to be pirates, pilots and even superheroes. Those are honestly my favorite memories of my childhood. You always went above and beyond as a big brother to care for me and make sure I felt love, unconditionally. 

As I sit here writing this letter now, I am trying to figure out when things went south. What triggered you and your insane behaviors? I know mam dying was tough on you. I cannot even pretend to understand your pain because I don’t remember her. But you had me and dad and we love you and have always wanted to best for you. I am genuinely trying to understand you and figure out a way to help you. 

Every time I show up at your place and you are drunk, it breaks my heart. You know dad is stressed to the fucking hilt and that is not something he needs. You’re also going to be an uncle and I would hope being sober so you can be a part of the baby’s life, is important to you. I know these are words you have heard a million times. But I am begging you now to get help. I will go with you, I will visit you during inpatient treatment. I will not abandon you, just as you did not abandon me. I love you big brother. I always will.

Ignite my blood, to sing through my veins-

Ronan’s Playlist-;

1. Flightless Bird American Mouth- Iron & Wine | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGVmhrfQqzg

This song has long since been one that has reminded Ronan of Juliet. When they were in high school he dedicated this song to her at a school dance and it has been their song ever since.

2. Falling- Harry Styles | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olGSAVOkkTI

During the time that Ronan and Juliet were apart, this song was the main track to his life. He felt like everything in his life was falling apart and he was losing control of who he was.

3. Before You Go- Lewis Capaldi | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jtauh8GcxBY

Ronan did not have the chance to know his mam. But this song really resonates with him. Often he wishes he could go back, maybe have been older so he could change the tides. 

4. Faithfully- Journey | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj__jhmPMgI

Ronan loves this song and has for as long as he can remember. After his mams death, his father played this song on repeat. It was a song he’d dedicated to his late wife. Now a days he likes to listen to it and imagine his parents young and in love.

5. Landslide- Fleetwood Mac | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4M53xndqiU

This song reminds Ronan of his youth and of the beginning of relationship with Juliet. They have a whirlwind romance and many couples don’t survive that. Especially when it starts at such a young age. But through it all they have persevered.  

6. Don’t You- Simple Minds | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdqoNKCCt7A

Growing up and even now Ronan has always enjoyed movies from the 70′s and 80′s. It seemed like a simpler time and the soundtracks were kick ass. This is one of the songs he can never get out of his mind after he hears it.

7. The Night We Met- Lord Huron | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGF7PswOENQ

Hearing this song after his break up with Juliet, he found solace in its words. How much he connected to it.  At the time he had no idea how to express his feelings. 

8. Be A Light- Thomas Rhett | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YuWAZmD0aU

Ronan likes this song because in the world we are currently living in, there needs to be more people standing up and saying exactly what this song is saying.   

9. Remember Me- Juliet Lourd (Dove Cameron) | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uVeNVgjf2Y

He’d always been a huge supporter of Jules’ music. When he heard Remember me for the first time, he could recall ever single memory she was singing about. 

10.  I’ll Stand By You- Carrie Underwood | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y4lYF3Ic_E