On my current level of soul searching
Iām now about 16 months post-separation from my partner. The property settlement is over; the divorce has been finalized; I got my name back. I still find myself replaying some of the events from the last six months of our time together ā that most painful and brutal of seasons. The hurt and anger are still sometimes present for me. At times I seem to forget the details of how awful that time was, but remembering them is grounding. I kept telling myself then that I never couldāve imagined him capable of such cowardice and dishonesty; now I have the advantage of time and perspective, and I realize that the cowardice and dishonesty were subtly there long before I could really see them. Reminding myself of the details at the end ā the explicit psychological abuse, the betrayal, the multilayered deceptions and intense manipulation ā actually helps me to be kinder to myself, to recognize again how incredibly fucked up that period of time was.Ā
Our marriage wasnāt easy. It was lonely and, for long stretches of time, isolating. I rarely felt heard or understood; I rarely got the sense that my feelings mattered. I made endless excuses and explanations as to why it was so hard to connect with him, and concurrently put my head down and kept going, trying to improve myself, trying to read more books and introduce more communication tools. For so long, I didnāt even consider that it might be an impossibility, a losing battle.Ā Ā
Now that I see the whole thing more clearly, I resent myself for having been so unaware for so long. This is the most powerful feeling I've been contending with. I ask myself many why questions:Ā
Why did I stay with him so long, at such great cost to my well-being?Ā
Why didnāt I see sooner how manipulative he was? That he was gaslighting me about things as mundane as the quantity of household labor I did?
Why did I believe that that was all the better love could get?Ā
The whys, as I now understand them, reflect my self-loathing and self-blame. Whatever he was and is, whatever heās responsible for, it doesnāt matter anymore. Itās done. He canāt harm me any further. But I seem to be able to harm myself by replaying the worst parts in my head. What am I responsible for? Why didnāt I protect myself and prevent this from happening?Ā
The end was so disorienting and chaotic that itās taken me until now to really be able to feel some of the normal feelings of grief, albeit an ambiguous grief. Occasionally I feel sadness and mourn the good parts of our shared life that are gone forever, or little things I miss about him. Even in a relationship like mine that so clearly needed to end and shouldāve ended much sooner, the story isnāt simple or black and white.Ā
I also see the ways my life has changed and feel ambivalent about where I am now. I have plenty to be grateful for, and being concretely and permanently free from him is on that list. And yet, Iām frustrated to still be doing so much soul searching, so much processing. I donāt feel all that free. I wonder if Iām permanently broken, if the damage is too great, and if Iāll ever truly be able to trust anyone again.Ā Ā
As I go into a new calendar year, I've dedicated myself to working hard on forgiveness (first by trying to figure out what it actually means) and letting go of resentments. I want to stop carrying around the things that aren't serving me well. I want to move forward and re-imagine my life.
Here's to 2019. Keep loving. Keep fighting.