grey

it’s strange, isn’t it, how they say your “true colours” show in anger — as if the warmth i offered, the patience i held, the laughter i shared were all just shadows of a mask. as if a sharp word in a storm reveals more of me than the calm i carried through countless quiet days. anger is a moment, a flare in the dark — not the sum of a soul or me as a whole. why is my truth questioned only when it falters, and never when it’s steady? don’t reduce me to my worst edge; i am the whole spectrum, not just the flash that burns.

i promised myself i wouldn’t write another letter to you. but then again, i promised myself a whole lot of other things too but here we are. i guess i’m doing this for me. maybe this is the closure i need to give myself. i’m not even sure you’ll read this. i know you sometimes check on my posts. but do you, still? oh well, it doesn’t matter. after this you can close this tab and forget about this page because here’s my final letter to you, harith.

april 9th. 2 days after what would’ve been our 4-year anniversary had our relationship lasted that long. i’ll never forget the day i decided to walk away. not because i wanted to. not because i stopped loving you. but because you told me, so effortlessly, that you loved her. you said it so easily, so certainly, like there had never been an "us" worth hesitating over. and just like that, you shattered the world i had so carefully built around us.

i thought i was strong enough to endure it — to carry the weight of losing you with quiet grace. i kept lying to myself, telling myself we were meant to find our way back to each other — that you were just lost, just scared, just confused. i spun excuses like thread between my fingers, weaving a story where we still ended up together. but the truth was right there all along: you had already untied your end of the knot. and i was left standing there, a single loose thread, fraying from a tapestry that no longer held us together.

now i sit on the floor, wearing your clothes. clutching onto whatever scraps of you i have left. the letters you wrote me, the ring you once slipped onto my finger, the wilted bouquet of baby’s breath you surprised me with — relics of a love that used to be my whole world.

they bring me comfort.

they haunt me.

they hurt me.

but i can't bring myself to throw them away.

maybe not today.

maybe not for a while yet.

i miss you so much everyday it makes me sick. i tried so hard to hate you. to be angry at you. don’t they say it’s easier to move on if you just hate the person? but how can i hate the person i’m still very much in love with?

it’s a constant war between head and heart. a part of me wishes you happiness — wishes you find everything you were looking for, even if it was never with me. but there’s another part of me, darker, angrier, clawing at my chest — a part that hopes losing me eats away at you the way losing you has hollowed me out. i hope someday you look around and realize that no one will ever love you the way i did — completely, fiercely, without conditions.

i long for the day one side comes out the victor. for the day when either forgiveness softens the bitterness, or the bitterness burns away whatever love is left. because living in this in-between — loving you and resenting you all at once — feels like bleeding from a wound that refuses to heal.

and god, i'm so tired of bleeding over someone who never once bled for me.

barely two weeks ago, you called me to apologize. you told me how upset you were reading my tweets. but why did you contact me? was it really because you were upset or because you had a reputation to uphold? was it because you just couldn’t stand the thought of being seen for who you truly are? was it really guilt, or just damage control?

as happy as i was to hear your voice again, it broke something in me all the same. because deep down, i knew.

you didn’t call because you missed me. you didn’t call because you cared about the wreckage you left behind. you called because you couldn’t stand the idea of being the villain in someone else’s story.

and it saddens me, more than i can put into words, that even when you had the chance to show up for me, you still chose yourself. you didn’t even ask how i was surviving the hell you put me through. you didn’t wonder if i was eating, sleeping, breathing without you. you didn’t even say you missed me.

you only told me how you were feeling. 
how you were upset. 
how you were struggling.

i listened to you talk about yourself while my heart sat there, crumbling into pieces you no longer wanted to pick up.


and it felt like a punch to the face. like you were standing over my broken body, asking me to feel sorry for you. how could someone i cherished so much — someone i trusted with every fragile part of me — treat me like i was nothing but an afterthought? a loose end to be tied up neatly and forgotten about.

you fed me dreams you had no intention of building with me. you laced your words with promises you knew you’d never keep. i loved you with every inch of my being, while you loved yourself first, second, and last. and maybe that’s what hurts the most — knowing i would’ve given you everything, and you couldn’t even give me the bare fucking minimum.

i spent months convincing myself that the man i loved was still somewhere beneath it all, buried under fear, immaturity, bad timing — excuses, excuses i clung to just to soften the blow. but the truth is, this is who you are. you showed me, loud and clear. and for once, i'm choosing to believe you.

that pretty facade you wore like armor finally shattered, and underneath it all, you showed me the pathetic truth — a spineless, ungrateful man who never deserved an ounce of the love, patience, or forgiveness i so willingly gave.

i should’ve left the first time you made me doubt myself. i should’ve walked away the first time you told me you weren’t “ready”. but i stayed. i stayed and i loved you harder, hoping you would see me, choose me, fight for me. but you didn’t.

and now, here i am, left picking up the shards of the life we never built. mourning a future that was never yours to give. learning, day by painful day, that sometimes love isn’t enough. especially when it’s one-sided.

this is my closure, this is me letting go.

this is me choosing myself — something you never could.

Or to send a fleeting message about a stray cat I passed on my way to work—

tiny fragments of life I still wish to place in your hands.

But that privilege has been snatched away from me,

like the whispered promise of dawn erased by nightfall—

I miss you like you’ve only stepped out for a moment, like you’re just a breath away, just beyond my reach. Like you’re gone for the weekend, and Sunday will bring you back, arms open, laughter spilling into the room like sunlight.

I still half-expect your name to light up my phone, still turn to share a thought only you would understand. The air hums with the ghost of your presence— familiar, warm, almost real.

it's crazy how much change three years could bring. i knew you better than i could count to ten. until i didn't.

we were young when we fell in love, our naivety letting us see one another through rose-tinted glasses. but as we grew, the cracks began to show. reality set in, and those flaws we once overlooked became impossible to ignore. what once seemed like a fairytale began to reveal its fractures and slowly, the illusion faded.

i wish our love stood the test of time. i wish it had evolved with us, adapting to who we were becoming instead of breaking under the pressure of who we once were. i wish it had been enough to save us from the cruelty of it all.

but it's not your fault, nor mine. change is a part of growth, i know that. it just never occured to me that you would no longer be a part of my picture because you were always its centrepiece.

and now, i find myself tracing the edges of a life that no longer fits the way it used to. the spaces where you once stood feels hollow, like an unfinished sentence or a song that got cut off just before the final note.

i still catch glimpses of you in the smallest things -- in the way the morning light spills through my window, in the echoes of a laughter that don't belong to us anymore. some days, it feels like you're just out of sight. as if i could turn a corner and catch you there, waiting, smiling at me like nothing ever changed. except it did.

such a small thing, but it gave me pause.

so tell me — how does one go back to pretending nothing happened after losing the man they loved more than themselves?

a part of me clings to the fragile thread of hope you left behind. another, softer, wiser part of me whispers that I should let you go — to Love the girl you chose.

i’m truly sorry for endlessly pleading for you to try again and work things Out, you know? but i meant it when i said i wanted us to work, you know i would do anything for you. but love that isn’t returned in full is a hollow, aching thing.

you watched me unravel — tears slipping, Voice breaking, heart laid bare before you. and though you had all the power to mend me, you simply kept watching.

i know you love me. i feel it in the way you pull me close in your sleep, in the way you call me first thing after a job interview, in the excitement in your voice when you talk about the fun times you’ve had, in the quiet comfort of your presence on the phone as i drift off to sleep. i know you love me. but i’m grown Enough to realize that my place in your life is unclear, and that is cue for me to leave.

You know me better than i know myself, just like how i do you. which is why i know that if you wanted to choose me, you already would have. but you haven’t. and you probably never will. it’s the hardest pill i’ve ever had to swallow — accepting that Our time has run its course, and the story of Us has reached its end.

so i guess i’ll close this door now, and i’ll turn the key and lock it tight. but you know where i keep my keys. and if ever you forget, ring the doorbell and i’ll welcome you home.

for once, i wish you would choose to love me, no hesitance. but we both know you wouldn’t. i said i would be okay, but of course, we both know i’m a fantastic liar.

any decision you make, i could never hate you for it. ever. i wish i could force your eyes open to see how much love i have for you.

so many things i wish i could do. alas, who am i but a mere speck in your universe.

if you ever need to talk, or if you miss me, or if you somehow realize you still love me, or if you’re willing to try again, you know where to find me. if you don’t, i’ll just have to learn to live without you again.

so many things i wish i could say. a whole lot of emotions i wish i could unravel.

handwritten apologies strewn everywhere, i knew i was just another option. a shadow in your endless sky. the silence we shared between us was louder than any words you ever spoke. i stood on the edge of your heart, peering inside hoping to taste a glimpse of what once was love. a tilt in the wind and i would be gone.

i search for you in every face. in every touch, every glance. how i wish i could erase all memories of you and begin anew. if only it were that simple. if only.

i miss you more than i can say. i wish i could tell you how happy i am for you, how i hope she makes you feel whole, how i pray you’ve found your home in her. but i know deep down, i can’t help but wish you chose me instead of letting go again.

i’m nothing but a fading hue, a ghost in your mind. a shadow, a trace of what once was. my heart still sees you as its home, and though i miss you deeply, i know you’ve never needed me more than i needed you.

in time, when the sun rises again where i am, i hope i’ll find the strength to heal. to let go of the shadows you cast, and learn to feel whole again. i hope i’ll see myself through brighter eyes, and no longer search for you in every sigh.

maybe then, i’ll be okay. maybe then, i’ll stop wishing you had stayed.

it’s hard to let go of someone, especially when you know the love you share between the two of you is abundant and is still there. i wish i could say i’m fine i’ve moved on, but we both know i’m just waiting around for you. for you to what? come back again? or tell me to find happiness elsewhere? i don’t know. i wish i could forget you as easily as you left.

it’s unfair what i’m doing. i’m hurting someone else so dear to me by just loving you still. i know i’ve made irreparable mistakes, and trust me there’s no one else i despise more than myself.

if i could run to the furthest end of the earth, i would. i would do anything just so i could heal. anything to help me forget. would go anywhere just to scatter the bits of my heart so it can never be whole again.

I visit you in memories,

softly, tiptoeing through the corridor, afraid to make a sound— lest you turn and vanish.

Portraits of us adorn the walls, some already taken down, the weight too much to bear.

Our laughter still echoes through the halls. What do we tell little old us when they wonder where we stand in three years?

I see you at the end of the hallway, dried baby’s breath clutched in hand, my rings stacked on your fingers, our framed love letters staring back at you.

Why are you here? Do you miss me too?

i feel like we don’t talk about friendship breakups enough. there’s a thousand different pieces of media telling you how to get over a romantic relationship, but what about the dissolution of a friendship? it’s not like anybody died, nobody’s offering me condolences. it’s not like i got divorced, so what do i do now?

this grief is homeless with nowhere to go.

i tell myself i’m fine without you, better even. i’m not lying about that but i do miss you at times. sometimes i wish i could just pick up the phone and facetime you to talk about what a boy said to me, or the next trip i’m planning, or our next meet-up. but i can’t anymore. you didn’t die but you no longer exist in my vocabulary.

people ask me about you and it sucks that i don’t have an answer to give them. it sucks that i have to acknowledge the fact that i no longer exist in your universe too.