thefictionalcrush

Bison likes taking control in bed - this is something we are shown from KantBison's first encounter in the red room scene. however, outside of the bedroom, we also see Bison enjoying being hugged, groped and held and being coddled. he likes being cutesy and has no issued with Kant taking the lead. in fact, he likes it when Kant chases him.

the idea that Bison cant be a dom when he lets his partner soft dom him prolly comes from limited knowledge of how dominant/submissive relationships actually work outside of the media's portrayal of them. but this idea is faulty in and of itself because in reality, things are not always so strictly black and white.

it is statistically proven that most people who enjoy bdsm fall in the spectrum of both sadism and masochism. it isnt just one or the other. so someone who enjoys receiving pain is just as likely to enjoy inflicting it. someone who enjoys taking control might just as well be into giving up that control. between established dom/sub partners, there might be a dom and a sub as a general rule, but their role also changes from scene to scene. bdsm is about enjoying yourself by testing the limits of your pleasure and exploring them. you dont have to necessarily confine yourself to one role forever.

coming back to the why of him enjoying dominance in bedroom, of course it is a way of gaining some control in his life. but also, the individual acts are enjoyable to him. we aren't just talking about manhandling here, this man likes inflicting real pain and is into things like face slapping which is not just painful but also degrading. it takes me back to KantBison's first meet where Bison put Kant in his place for being overconfident in his approach. Bison clearly gets a high out of degrading his partner in bed.

these are all things that come naturally to him. he isnt trying hard to gain control or doing it out of a fear of losing control. he gains pleasure from the acts alone. him having gone to the extent of having bondage binds strapped to his bed for easy use just indicates that this is something he is confident about and has made past the trial error phase. he knows what he wants and he has no qualms in making his wants known.

A few years ago, I was talking to a queer Thai person about the use of endearments in Thai BL, and they were like, “A lot of interfans get mad about the husband/wife thing—and some queer Thai people don’t like it either—but many of us just think it’s sweet. Married couple! Cute! That’s it.”

So we go on talking about this and that, and then, remembering the prevalence of Win calling Team “baby” in English fics, I asked them what the Thai equivalent of that would be.

Immediately, they were like, “Okay, if you want to talk weird, that’s weird to me. Your lover is your infant? A little baby? That’s romantic? How?”

And I had to laugh, because…actually, yeah. It is weird when you think about it literally. But that’s kind of the point, right? We don’t literally mean “they are a little newly born human to me” when we use “baby” as an endearment. It’s just a, “this person is as precious to me as a baby,” vibe.

And for some of the people who find the “husband/wife” thing cute—queer and otherwise—it’s not like they’re literally thinking of one of the guys as a woman. It’s the marital bond vibe they like.

Some people hate “baby” as an endearment. I’ve spoken to them! They’re real!

Some people hate “husband/wife” too.

But when people decide, “Using this term in a series is a moral wrong and I need to hate and decry every series that uses it,” that’s maaaaybe going too far.

Most series seem to be veering away from using the terms anyway, and that’s fine, but it’s important and helpful to the larger conversation to remember that there’s a whole nuanced cultural and historical context behind terms we see in other countries’ media. Even queer people in Thailand use terms like “husband/wife” in their real lives. So before we assume we have all the information based on our own cultural context, it’s best to ask people from that culture for their perspective. And then continue to stay out of it, because what queer Thai people like or don’t like isn’t affecting anyone but themselves, so it’s not our lane to careen an oil tanker into.

Because another thing that queer Thai person said to me also resonates to this day: “When interfans create issues about Thai culture and fight with each other to protect Thai people from something they made up, we’re just watching them and thinking, ‘What the fuck are you all doing?’ We don’t need you to protect us.”

I am obsessed with the use of intentional language in Only Friends. The way similar words or phrases reappear in the narrative but with such a variation in the context, emotion and impact- its brilliant. I also spoke about this in another post here.

Keep in mind that I do not a word of Thai, so most of my interpretations are based on the english subs.

The two scenes I want to mention here both play a key role in Ray's arc. The first one is from episode 6, and the second one is from episode 10.

During the bar confrontation in episode 6, Ray tells Mew - no one in my life has ever been more loving and caring to me than you - he follows it up - So I want you to be happy. It is a plea for Mew to take care of himself. It's an expression of love. but it's the type of love that Ray doesn't believe deserves reciprocation. It's heartbreaking and it leaves Ray feeling worse for wear. In some ways, it's Ray embracing his worse instincts of self-hatred.

A direct parallel to this line appears in episode 10 when Ray is talking to Sand. He says - In my life, there's no one who's more caring or loving than you, even though I have been an asshole to you. But this time, he immediately follows it up with - Sand, please understand me. This is also an expression of love. But this time it's also a plea for patience, for reciprocation. Sand's presence in Ray's life, slowly but surely has made him realize, that even though he is difficult to love, he does deserve to be loved. This is also a very difficult moment for Ray, but this time it feels like it's the start of his healing journey.

ep. 6 -

ในชีวิตกูอ่ะ ไม่ค่อยมีใครรักแล้วก็หวังดีกับกูได้เท่ามึงเลยนะ /nai chee wit guu a, mai koei mee khrai rak laew gaw wang dee gap guu dai tao mueng loei na/ = "In my life, there's hardly ever been anyone who loves me and has my best interests at heart as much as you do."

ep. 10 -

บนโลกเนี่ย มันไม่มีใครรักแล้วก็หวังดีกับกูได้เท่ากับมึงแล้ว /bohn lohk niia, man mai mee khrai rak laew gaw wang dee gap guu dai tao gap mueng laew/ = "On this Earth/in this world, there's no one who loves me and has my best interests at heart as much as you do."

And just because Khaotung's performance sucked me back in, I kept listening...

ทั้ง ๆ ที่กูเหี้ยใส่มึงมาตลอดอ่ะ แต่มึงก็ยังอยู่ /tang tang tee guu hiia sai mueng maa dta laawt a, dtae mueng gaw yang yuu/ = "Even though I've been an asshole to you all the time- You're still here."

...and found out that even though the subs make it out to be เข้าใจ /khao jai/ (= understand) that's not the verb he uses. I listened to it over and over and it's actually more crushing still - สนใจ /sohn jai/ = be attentive, show interest, care about, pay attention, be interested in

So this line is actually - กูอยากให้มึงสนใจกูนะแซน /guu yaak hai mueng sohn jai guu na Sand/ = "I want you to care about me, Sand."

Sand is actually the first one to mention threesomes when Ray interrupts his date with Amm. I actually don’t think Ray was suggesting anything sexual when he invited them over to swim and drink, he just didn’t want to be alone:

But Sand drags him to the side and questions his motives:

Sand isn’t interested in a threesome. Once Ray convinces Sand to hang out with him, we see Sand send Amm on her way. And we spot a very smug Ray on her way out:

Ray learned two things here - 1) Sand doesn’t want to share and 2) Sand was interested enough in Ray to want to be alone with him.

There was no reason at this point that Amm couldn’t have come with them just to hang out, Ray didn’t seem to mind. So that told Ray that Sand was at least somewhat attracted to him - and attracted enough for Ray to be chosen over a one night stand.

Ray's road to hell was paved with Sand's good intentions.

At the end of ep 5, as others have written, Ray and Sand's tenuous situationship had some major holes blown into it by Boston... being Boston. Ray ends the night hoping for a chance to explain himself to Sand, and Sand ends the night berating himself for falling in the first place, and so they fail to communicate.

I believe, once Sand learned "the truth" about Ray's feelings for Mew (notably, not the truth as Ray would tell it, lying next to him in that bed), it was easy to convince himself that Ray would never care the way Sand does. So why bother discussing it? "It's not my business," as he says. All Sand gets is the shame of knowing better and making the same mistake anyway.

So as I see it, Sand starts ep 6 deciding distance is needed. When he runs into Top in part 1, and gets another ego/status check, it's a trigger that sets him off, and sets the wheels in motion. Sand (through Nick) has dirt on Top. It affects Mew, who is loved by Ray. I think Sand truly saw this pass-the-sex-tape power play as having only good outcomes - for himself, and honestly for Ray too. Sand can get back at Top this way, yes, but also, Sand relinquishes Ray to Mew, the man he loves. By putting the sex tape in Ray's hands, Sand sets Ray up as the friend who saves Mew from an asshole, the good guy who has always been there, for Mew to hopefully fall for. In a way, it's a sweet sacrifice, a way to give Ray something good, something that should make him happy in the long run, and a way to start Sand's own process of moving on. In Sand's eyes, Ray might even be grateful to him for this, down the line.

And I think that's how Sand goes into the pool hall scene, with his 'good' intentions. Sand did this for himself, yes, revenge on Top is 100% part of this. But I think he did this for Ray, too.

When Ray showed up to talk, I believe Ray was expecting a conversation about them, their feelings, and maybe a chance to be honest about Mew and his complicated history with his friend. Ray wanted Sand to know, to clear the air. To set the record straight. And maybe to start over.

Sand was looking for a way to get back at Top AND give Ray the easy out he thought he was looking for. "You like Mew, I have dirt on Top. You can bring that to Mew, get them to break up, get Mew to yourself, and maybe be grateful to me. We go back to being casual sometimes drinking buddies, and I start figuring out how to get over you. This is as clean an exit from your life as I can offer."

But critically, without being a part of the friend group, Sand has no way to know or assume the deeper complexities that are actually in play here. Ray's feelings for Mew have actually evolved in ways he never got to explain to Sand. Mew will probably always feel too morally superior to Ray to fall for him, and Ray is coming to the end of his hopes for being with Mew anyway. It doesn't mean he doesn't still have feelings - that will take a while to fully let go of, but Ray is starting to reevaluate his relationship with Mew and what his life might look like if they are never more than just friends.

So Ray, walking into that pool hall, expecting a conversation, instead gets handed a bomb. And Sand makes it clear he wants Ray to use it. Even making it explicit that Sand is looking for revenge on Top. Aiming Ray like a pool cue. (More wonderful thoughts on this scene here!)

Or, as Ray perceives it, using him. Manipulating him.

And it hurt Ray to realize that. To recognize Sand giving up on the two of them, jumping to a conclusion and not looking back. Shutting things down. Sand's good intentions had already started to sour.

Now, we as the audience know how Ray's day goes from bad to worse at this point - the confrontation with Boston making him question his own motives, the bathroom scene with Mew reminding him he's never been good enough, Top being smug and praised by everyone at the party, even Chueam calling him stubborn for being 'the single one'. The bitter weight of the truth starts crushing Ray, until he collapses under its weight, and he can't stand it anymore. Ray - the burden, the bad friend, the drunk - is the only one who cares enough to tear down his friends' facades of happiness. (More great meta has been written about this scene, and I'll let that fill in the blanks here.)

But Sand just sees Ray standing, unsteadily, to take the mic.

When Ray gets up on that stage, Sand panics. And he has to watch as everything goes horribly sideways, as Ray has a breakdown and tears his friends apart, and gets humiliated and hurt in return, punched to the ground, because Ray let the bomb go off in his own hands. Sand tries to intervene, but Ray lashes out at him, too. Because Ray understands that he has been made into a weapon, and weapons hurt people.

Sand is horrified. He never intended this. He never wanted to cause Ray to implode.

But that's what happened. And when Sand tried to save him, to finally confess the truth, to show he cared, it was too late. Ray's implosion and breakdown was Sand's fault.

Ray went to hell, and Sand paved the way with his good intentions.

(Of course he's going after him.)

In which Mew goes on a destructive streak (on himself), Ray is not helping the situation, Top is a sad puppy, Cheum has enough while Sand attempts to again put some boundary with Ray (and failing)

Mew

Well…he truly went into a bender after breaking up with Top. It’s clear he is still devastated by Top’s betrayal and him getting together with Ray is partly revenge, partly because Ray has always been the one person (in his group of friends) who loves him unconditionally, and currently Mew needed the affirmation he is desired and attractive (remember he proclaimed to Ray he think he is “boring and plain” in the bookstore - and Ray immediately replying “You are delectable.”) - yeah, that tells us Mew’s self-esteem has gone down the drain after knowing Top/Ton slept together (recall he kept thinking they got together because he was inexperienced and from his perspective laughing behind his back, we know it’s not true but well Mew judgement is somewhat impaired for now).

So, having Ray who put him at a pedestal and has never said no to him is good for his self-esteem…just terrible for everything else 😫😩…in some way, Mew is using Ray to “gain access” to all the risky behaviours that Ray engages in - getting drunk, smoking, partying daily and trying Coke - notice Ray never “introduce” it to Mew (and I will disagree with Twitter/Tumblr people who said so, because it’s always Mew who initiated it, BUT Ray enables them, also notice Ray was the one who asked whether Mew is sure he wants to try smoking cause it was also Mew who nag him to quit before)…

Similarly, the scene in the bookstore - you can see with flashbacks, Mew is deeply missing Top. And when Ray came over, the conversation led to Mew again being the instigator for the Halloween Party, informing Ray he wants “to get drunk, and party all night long.”

The fact that he couldn’t even bring himself to reciprocate Ray’s declaration of love (and he admits it - “you are the one I should love”) or kiss him in private is also another clear sign that Mew is not over Top. It was only when Top is in front of him, he made a huge scene (partly also driven by him already drunk and high) that he impulsively kisses Ray to prove a point (on a side note, that was a good kiss boys! - so KhaoBook series in 2024 anyone? 🫣)

I’m not sure how much he will spiral further but if he wants to keep his honour student status, well, I guess the next few episodes will tell us whether Top can bring him back to reality - I have hope for this especially because when Mew drunkenly but brokenly told Top “Why must you be an asshole?” before passing out on Top’s shoulder, Top tenderly looked at Mew.

Top

Which brings me to Top. He has truly eaten the humble pie this episode, and I felt sorry for him. Yes, he was (most likely still) arrogant and can be an asshole, but he truly does seem to connect with Mew and loves him. His mistake was to take what Ton said in face value and slept with him due to bruise ego (and I’m glad he told Ton off during the party - gawd the latter still tried to take a jab on Top’s fall from the grace by nastily implying Ray/Mew has slept together many times - firstly so not true cause Mew can’t even kiss Ray in private, and secondly not his business if they did sleep together)

Top looking at Mew concernedly from the outside because he knows the current behaviours are uncharacteristic for the latter (also perhaps a touch of guilt as he is likely aware at some stage he is responsible for Mew going into a downward spiral because of his encounter with Ton)

I applaud Top on him continuously trying to make amend with Mew, discussing the situation with Chuen and also helping out with the Ray situation (because let’s be real, he did not help Ray out for Ray himself, more for Mew/Chuem, although bribing the police force??? 😩🫠🫠🫠🫠… I do not condone that. Why can’t he help the legal way?? Urgh..don’t mind me, I’m just ranting out loud now)

Anyway, it was sweet of Top to bring Mew back safely to his house and clean him up after the party, but hemm…cuddling and sleeping with Mew after that (yeah, again not a good idea as at the present time Mew has broken up with him and never gave him permission for Top to sleep in the same bed/cuddle with him)

Ray

As much I love Ray (and kudos fo Khaotung who brings this complex, multi-facet individual to life, I also feel if anyone else played him, not many of us will be as emphatic towards him), his actions in this episode, yeah…left me wincing and shaking my head.

Ray unfortunately has yet to accept his alcohol/drug abuse is an issue and it’s affecting his relationships with everyone - be it Mew, Sand, Chuen and Boston. It doesn’t help at baseline, he is depressed, selfish and a lonely individual, clinging hard to anyone who showers him with any positive attention.

Mew is one such individual for Ray - the fact Mew was there at the lowest point for him definitely made Ray sees him in rose tinted glasses. Whatever Mew wants and says, Ray will follow (especially when it lines up with what he normally does - the drinking, partying, smoking, drugs etc.) When they are not a couple, it’s easier for Mew to lecture on Ray’s bad behaviour (albeit unsuccessfully), but now with Mew joining in the chaos, Ray’s destructive behaviours are going further into hellhole (I also find it interesting Ray seems so aware he is not first choice for Mew - “At least he let me cross the friend zone line”, “We are seeing if we can work things out” - these 2 sentences when he had the conversation with Sand outside the bar are very telling. Similarly, he didn’t even look surprised when Mew couldn’t say back he loves Ray…)

Sand is another person Ray connects deeply. The one person who has time after time help him without any transactional gains. And it’s interesting to note Ray’s destructive behaviours are somehow mellowed/lessened when Sand is around. Sand appears to be Ray moral compass. He genuinely listen to what Sand says (even more than he listen to Mew, although I don’t think Ray recognises this). Ray persistency in seeking out Sand (be it in the bar and uni) is obnoxious and exasperating on Sand behalf who is trying his hardest to put a guard around his heart - but well, Ray has the most effective puppy eyes I have ever seen and he uses this in good effect. Ray himself acknowledges he feels good in himself when around Sand, and he is certainly possessive of Sand’s attention (more so than he was with Mew, in my humble opinion). I think it’s clear now, Ray is truest and most honest when he is high/drunk - because his filter is completely gone. So, him putting himself between Sand and Mr Freddie Mercury, followed by him bluntly saying he knows Sand has feelings for him, and that Sand will never leave him (I also think he is projecting his own feelings towards Sand here..) - yup it’s him telling Sand to be honest on his feelings towards Ray (I'm not justifying Ray behaviour here - he should not have kissed Sand without consent and it was cruel for Ray to bring up Sand feelings out in the open like that - but as we have learn, Ray lashes out when he is angry (also, I think there is a hint of panic on Ray's behalf that Sand will leave him, just like his mom left him and he perceiving his dad abandoning him)

Sand

Sand is truly living up to his moniker of "best boy" ever. He got his heart broken into pieces by Ray when the latter decided to attempt a relationship with Mew. Time and time again he attempts to put a barrier around his heart and set some boundary with Ray - but as we can see, Ray is hard individual (for Sand) to resist. I know a lot of us agree Sand can do better than Ray - but well, the heart wants what the heart wants, yeah? (also doesn't help that each SandRay scene has the yearning and intimate feel that I can't help root for them - even when they are fighting cause you can see them fighting their attraction here, maybe cause it's played by FK?) - for e.g the scene between SandRay outside the bar, you could tell Sand was holding back tears and his voice break a little, and Ray clocked on it - the latter touched his arm, wanting to stop Sand from going while Sand asking to let go... urghh, my heart breaks from them.

And even after the massive fight between the 2 of them at the party, Sand's first concern when the police busted the scene is to find Ray - knowing the latter will be in further trouble if he is caught with drugs. And Sand, attempting to lie for Ray about the drugs to the police or him pleading the latter to stay still when the police put Ray on a chokehold with a knee on his windpipe...

On a side note, I also find it interesting the difference between how Sand and Mew treats Ray and his risky behaviours. I can't really articulate it properly but Sand seems to recognise Ray needs to take the first step if he wants to change for the better but Sand will be on standby and support him when he does. Mew, on the other hand (until this episode) while also being supportive tends to be more condescending. I think because Mew comes from a stable family, he can't understand at the base level why Ray can't change/stop his destructive behaviours easily.

Btw, I also love SandNick friendship - them bonding on their failed relationships and one-sided loves is just.... 🥺🥺🥺

Boston

Ton is keeping a low profile this episode. He knows he is now the outcast in his group of friends, and they are barely tolerating him. But oh, him drinking alone and looking at Nick's picture on the phone - is that a hint of some feelings towards Nick???

And just as when I thought there is some redeemable quality for Ton... he again prove to be the most consistent character in this series so far. Him nastily jabbing on Top at the party, insinuating Ray/Mew have slept together countless of time???? (urghhh, Ton seriously?)

Or him getting leaving with Atom (his brother's friend!!!! - I cringed at the end of episode 8) and from the preview of the next episode - yup it appears he did the deed with Atom (look, I'm not saying Atom did not play a role in this - that boy was clearly hitting on Ton and despite Chuem warning Atom, he made the conscious decision to leave the party with Ton). But the whole situation is just terrible (and if Ton has some decency, he would have decline Atom's invitation but oh well...we all know what Ton is like). I can already tell the whole Atom/Ton situation will also implode with Atom as the casualty.

Nick

Well, at least his working career is on the right path because his love life with Ton has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Him approaching and attempting to make amend with Ton at the party - urghhh, again the heart wants what the heart wants, yes? - But I hope it gives some closure for Nick to move on with his life and put Ton firmly in the past (I'm actually not holding my breath on this, but we will see).

And now Nick with Dan (Papang's character) - well, that's a whole new dynamic that will be interesting to see. It's clear Dan is interested in Nick, but hemmmm....I'm not sure having a relationship with your own intern is morally ok cause the power difference between the 2 of them (it's giving me the ABAB vibe except more serious???). Also, Dan seems to have a daddy kink (I mean he asked Nick to call him "Daddy Dan" if the next episode preview is correct), and err, I'm not sure I'm into that.

Namchuem and April

Poor Chuem is at her wits end with the group of boys this week. For obvious reasons she is barely communicating with Ton. And now with Mew on a destructive streak, it seems she has lost the one bestie that has been the stable force in their circle of friendship. So, I am not surprised she teams up with Top to get back Mew on the right path.

Some people in Twitter/Tumblr may say Chuem barely cares for Ray - I think she does, but Chuem is self-aware she cannot control Ray's habits. She is not as close to Ray (when compared to Mew), and if Mew couldn't control Ray, what hopes does she has. And her asking Top to help out Ray because he doesn't want Ray to go into jail (well, if that is not her caring for Ray on some level, I'll eat my metaphoric hat)

So, her bursting out in anger and ranting her frustrations towards Ray, I don't blame her at - because it is true, in their circle of friendship, Ray has always prioritise Mew with Chuem most of the time as an afterthough. I'm not sure whether she blames Ray for Mew behaviours (and if she does - that is one thing I will say she shouldn't be doing cause all of Mew downward spirals are initiated by Mew and Mew alone, except Ray is there as an enabler)

Anyway, I'm glad Chuem has April - cause the latter, she is a GEM. Supportive and truly the best GF anyone can ask. Also, some wise word from April when she pointed out the boys are adults and can make their own decisions (even if those decisions leads to catastrophic consequences). They as friends can try and advise, but ultimately, it will be up to the boys to accept said recommendations or not.

As usual, this episode has left me with so many feelings and emotions. The above is me again just getting my thoughts straight before the next episode. It seems episode 9 will be "fluffier" but if we are getting SandRay reconciliation, I want Ray to at least have a proper conversation with Mew before doing so.

I was trying to figure out why this scene had so much power to it and I realized this is the moment Ray figures out Sand’s feelings for him. It is so beautifully written and executed… I have so many thoughts on this:

Firstly, Sand is the one to bring up the elephant in the room that is RayMew. This is not surprising, given Ray’s lack of accountability and avoidance of serious matters.

What IS surprising is Ray’s immediate reaction to this - he completely discredits the seriousness and validity of RayMew’s relationship to Sand:

“… we need to see if it’s gonna work.”

He’s (consciously or unconsciously) trying to reassure Sand that he’s not entirely unavailable - that him and Mew are just “trying things out”. That there’s still room for Sand and this thing between them.