There used to be days that I thought I was okay or at least I was going to be. I'd be just hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think it'll be okay. I would just goof around with my friends, crack some jokes, do some TikTok vids, share some of my thoughts ranting and be as positive as a sunflower dancing in the morning. That's how I want people to see me.
April 2, 2021, is a day to realize that itâs time to end the stigma surrounding mental health. Itâs also the day that I stopped and realized that I might not be okayâthatâs how I would like to start. So letâs talk about what I am dealing with in an open and honest way.
It's 1:00 AM and Iâm sitting in my room trying to just get caught up. I can't sleep and Iâve become emotionally unstable in the process. My heartbeat is getting faster (not that it's something unusual 'coz it's always been like this). Deep down, I know that something is different with me. For a long time, I think I believed that admitting I was human was a flaw. But maybe now itâs time I realized this vulnerability is in fact my strength. I donât think Iâm okay.
April 4, 2021, I woke up, turned myself in front of a mirror, and said six of the most difficult words I have said in a long time.
âI think I might be depressed.â
Thatâs not an easy thing to admit. But today, of all days, it is something I have to admit to myself and the universe. This anxiety is getting worse. But I know that admitting this to the world is the first step in asking the universe to illuminate the path I need to take.
April 7, 2021, I like to think I am a strong person, but admitting that I need help is in fact one of the strongest things I have ever done. So I had an appointment with a counselor. I was so afraid thinking that the guy: my mom used to see as her "atta boy" is weak. But I had to do it, I knew I had to.
April 17, 2021, I just finished my 2nd session with my counselor. I am getting better, yes I'm sure of it.
It felt right as I am taking each day one day at a time. It is the day I realized that I owe an apology to myself, I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies too. I think for a long time, in light of some of the most difficult moments of my life, I tried to be okay. I tried to avoid my sorrow and anxiety with my life, and in doing so⌠I got lost. To all the people I've hurt, I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean to harm anyone. Trust me!
April 27, 2021, It's my birthday today. Nothing special. But just like everybody else, it's my second quarantine birthday too. I thank God for giving me endless chances and for being with me all the time. Thank you for the gift of LIFE. I never thought I would be this important to you, 'coz you know sometimes I would feel like I deserved all these hardships and I'm sorry for thinking that way.
And you? Wow! You've come this far. Thank you for listening. You know, itâs important to share. So that we all can not feel alone. So that you can know you are not alone and you are not the only one. Reach out! I am here waiting.
Leaving you with this note:
"Be kind to one another. You never know the battle that someone faces behind closed doors."
