Ramblings Of An Untitled Idiot

I've been a passive lurker in the fandom for a bit, since the first one came out actually, I've just never given myself the time to actually sit down and watch it all.

And now I get a lot of the references people put in their art now!

I honestly understand a need for a cope AU now, omg D3rlord please

Over the combined about 3-some-odd hours I watched, it is a perfect little self-contained story, and I'd have it no other way. I love it, as much as I crave more from these two. If Wifies ever makes more with these two I'll be so happy, or if he decides to make more un-fiction I'd be more than on board to watch.

I guess fanfic will fill the void of needing more doomed yaoi in my life, there's PLEANTY of it I've seen

I've always loved the trope or at least the one instance I saw of D3rlord seeing all the beauty of the universe and still choosing Avery as the most beautiful of it all. Not to mention, the fact that D3r knew all about Avery, while Avery knew next to NOTHING about D3r and still decided to go after him. It's touching, maybe even an idea I'd steal for my own characters or a future fanfic for these two. I'm gonna need my own cope AU I swear--

If Wifies ever wants to cash in on the hype, bro should dub fan creations. Like maybe take some comics where they aren't too yaoi-ful (I don't know exactly his stance on their relationship, but it's clear they're at least friends in cannon, no matter how technically short that friendship is). Maybe even as a joke do a yaoi-ful one, idk that's the type of thing I'd do with my friends if something of mine ever got popular.

Idk I'm rambling again, but these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.

ALSO for D3r's final line, I was watching back through ep 1 and that mf threw in an ass in the book and censored it while reading it out and it has BUGGED ME that Wifies said he doesn't really swear on the channel like VRO just do "You fucking moron" But censor the fucking! it's still impactful ESPECIALLY when you've already censored a curse word before for emphasis. idk that just bugged me a lot when I saw clips of behind the scenes and then rewatched the first. Maybe he's got an explanation or something.

That's not to say it dampens it at all; in fact, I love it either way. He could've put frickin and I would've giggled and then ungiggled because oh shit, D3r is dead

The sets were beautifully made, and it kept me on the edge of my seat at all times despite already knowing how it would end. I was genuinely captivated the entire time even if it took me forever to actually get through thanks to my classes. I think it's something worth rewatching and re-enjoying. There's a few blink and you'll miss it moments that get pointed out later.

I really like how the storytelling aspect took a backseat in favor of actually showing said story, the first episode had a "Oh I just found this weird thing" type vibe, where it's actually portrayed as being found footage (for lack of better terms) whereas the second episode took a more narrative approach, instead of theory crafting or puzzle solving mid video it lets the characters do it instead. Maybe I'm just bias but I love it when a story can feel more immersive, where you can suspend your disbelief for a moment and immerse yourself in the story as if it's unfolding right in front of you. The voice acting is what really sold me on that front.

Overall, I think it's a story I'll come back to from time to time. Maybe even watch while pausing every five seconds just to see if I can spot the clues before they're called out.

Sane me apologizing v

I’ve had a whole year to finally process my feelings, and im sorry i lashed out the way I did. You… seriously didn’t deserve that. You said your peace, but you still stuck around, which made it harder on me. I think I was just so angry because I was shocked, hurt maybe, and the fact you were still around in my spaces and not allowing me to even be in the same conversation you were in with our friends, that part hurt the most. And the fact I still had the “funniest” jokes to say about some things you talked about, but wasn’t allowed to say because you’d just stare at me if I tried. That last ones a joke. I know im not funny. I’ve been working on it. Still am. I took a lot of what you said to me to heart, Gold. And I’ve been changing according to your guidelines, not that I’d think you’d ever care.

Sometimes I wish one of us would attempt to reach out. I wish you’d see how far I’ve come. I’ve contemplated asking about you, but I feel like I used to talk too much about you as is. (When I first allowed myself to process everything I did start talking about you a lot, typically complaining as I was really angry at the time, but after a bit I felt bad talking about everything too much.)

Point is, I’ve missed your presence whether or not it seemed like it. You were a good part of my life that just turns sour every time I remember how you used to glare at me. That face is the last face I remember you acknowledging me with and I wish it wasn’t.

Sometimes I catch myself seeing content I know you’d love and wishing I’d hear about you talk about it. I loved listening to you yap, as much as I wish I felt comfortable yapping back. I was a bad person and you didn’t deserve to see that part of me.

I remember one of the last things you talked about before you started pulling away. It was the warrior cats analog horror stuff and I saw that MAP pop up on my feed and it just crushed me. I can’t even think of fuckin Friday night funkin’ without thinking about you because you were the only person I knew who liked it so much.

I tend to wonder if you’re happier or not, wonder if you’re doing better. Hell, i even wonder if you’re happier or still talk or even think about me the way I think about you. I doubt it, honestly. I feel like I was impacted more by you leaving than you were just because I don’t hear about you from anyone and I know damn well they hear about you from me.

I wish you well, sincerely. I hope you’re healing, hope you’ve found happiness. You didn’t deserve my idiocy. And I’d say it a million times if it changed anything. I know you’ll never read this, never look at this, never intentionally want to see this. And that’s fine.

Though, you’re never gonna see this. That’s for the better, honestly. I know I’m being so much more emotional than you probably were over it, considering I know how you reacted to certain things in the past. But it feels good finally getting this out.

I’ve thought about talking to Pearl about all this, considering she knew about you wanting to pull away before even I did. She… was honest with me after, told me she knew. I thank for that. She’s so much more rational than I am, honestly, she might know what to do better than me but I’d hate to bug her about this. Maybe I’ll wait until the official… “anniversary” (if I can even call it that.) to actually bug her about it. Which, funnily enough is on a pep rally day, so… I’ll have time. Kinda, maybe sorta.

If you do happen to see this, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and you didn’t deserve a friend who would make fun of you and your interests, I thought u was funny by being ironic and exaggerating my feelings over certain topics. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I was just trying to be funny. But as we both know im not fucking funny.

Some twisted part of me hopes this miraculous,y reaches you so I can properly apologize. If you ever want an actual, honest to god, realest of real apologies you have my number, you have my tumblr, you have my discord. My DMs are ALWAYS open and I will keep them open indefinitely. I hope you reach out eventually. I want to apologize, sincerely and honestly. I know I’ve basically apologized as hard as I can here but hell, I’ll even use my voice so you can hear how sorry I am.

There’s a ,it of things I would give to make you smile even if it’s just because you finally got the apology you deserve.

Sorry for the mistakes in this big whole thing, im ugly crying and don’t feel like fixing them

Me crashing out again because I’m hurting v

Im kinda just rambling at this point considering I know no one will even care to read this. Im still a shit human being, no matter how hard I try and I know someone else is going to leave me soon I’ve given them plenty of reason just by existing just like before. I’m horrible im terrible and im tired of people telling im not. I need to change myself completely, but I’m an asshole who refuses to because I keep getting positive reactions. I wish my friends would tell me how much of an asshole I am and that they wouldn’t stick to my side. I feel like everyone I’d talk to about it would just take my side because they’re my friend and that’s typically what friends do. I want so bad for the hurt to stop. Im still hurting a whole YEAR LATER. Isn’t that pathetic? I keep telling myself that everyone’s gonna leave. That eventually I’ll fuck up for the last time and they’ll all just turn their backs to me. Ignore me. Grimace at me. Make me feel unwanted. Make me feel unnecessary. Unwelcome.

That’s why I had to move tables in art, thats why I needed to go to the cafe with pearl I feel so bad for dragging her with me. I… I was lonely in my own friend group. It hurt. It hurts. I wish it didn’t. I wish I didn’t still think about you but every time I look at your stupid face the fucking hallway im just reminded that stupid fucking grimace you always pulled when it was close to the end. Even meow it hurts so bad. I doubt you even shed a sing,d tear while I’ve sobbed buckets. I don’t know how you reacted because you barely react at all. And you never told me anything and no one told me either. I used to wish the same pain on you, in all earnest. But that’s because I was angry. Im not angry anymore, im just sad. I think I’m just mourning our friendship or I could be talking out of my ass I have no clue about my own feelings anymore. I said it while I was crashing out, but I hated how you handled,ed everything. Maybe I should’ve just distanced myself sooner it would be better.

Original me crashing out v

Okay, Edit 2: I have no way to confirm both messages I got were from the same person. So I’m just gonna say if it wasn’t, sorry this probably doesn’t read as well but if it is you have that extra context. I doubt either anon is actively following / keeping up with this anyway, so it kinda serves as an update to the situation or providing some context maybe? I’d love to know if they were both by the same person, though I have doubts. I also don’t know if I should publish the other ask, just because of the length and the fact I’m already spouting this here. Either way, I wish I knew

the most important update at the bottom, because omg I feel better now I'm not crashing half as hard now 💀

⬆️ The amount of times I’ve gone back to edit this is insane lol, but what I mean by most important is the 3rd edit. It’s automatically the most important to me because I feel SO much better after what I learned. It also provides context to a few things where I believe they exaggerated in their initial message to me that kicked this shit off, so y’know. Also, name drop 😨 in case they happen to see this

The original message is down there ⬇️

You’re helpful, truly. I don’t necessarily have anywhere to put these thoughts and I didn’t realize how terrible I must sound. They’re all just snippets of raw emotions I’ve felt since this thing. Maybe I’m wrong to feel hurt, but the point of venting was just saying I did. I have zero intention to actually ever reach out. Your message actually helped re-contextualize a lot and I think I really needed to hear it. I’ve made a very VERY big point in trying to change since, like listening to others and sparking communication and respecting boundaries way better now. I want to change, to BE better. Maybe I should’ve talked to them sooner about it, but either way it’s in the past and there’s no point in trying to fix that.

Then again, the whole thing was written at about 3am and maybe my thoughts weren’t as coherent?? Idk. Like I said though, your message actually helped a lot. So, thank you. I needed that.

End of og message ⬆️ edits below

Edit: this initial message was posted right after I woke up and before I really had a conversation with our shared friends for the first time about the whole thing. I never really got to share my thoughts and feelings, having locked them away as to not bring more people into our drama, but your message in particular helped me spark a conversation and talk with them about it. Turns out, instead of telling me to my face or over text their grievances, they ended up speaking with our shared friends behind my back for months. In all those months they had the opportunity to tell me and I could’ve done better sooner. But, instead they didn’t give me anything but pulling away. I let them have their space, and maybe I should’ve talked to them instead. But I didn’t know what was wrong until the end. I’m glad for your message, as all my friends affirmed my beliefs that I shared and I’m not sure if that’s just because they want to take my side or not. I was completely open about any opinions they held and they had told me I’d changed since (for the better, thankfully). I’m glad your opinion differed from ours, because it virtually smacked some damn sense into me that I really needed, but it also gave me talking points to approach the topic with. It’s been months since it happened and if they happen to see any of it then they can take it up with me. They have my tumblr, they have my discord, they even had my number at one point.

The truly positive take away I have from this is that I didn’t dread seeing them today. I didn’t have to mentally prepare myself and it didn’t hurt to see someone who I knew hated me. Sure, they have every right to hate me. I over stepped their boundaries. And I know now I was right to feel angry, because I knew they talked behind my back to at least one person, and etc etc I won’t name because I’m supposed to be moving on. It didn’t feel as heavy to see them. Maybe that’s me finally taking my own feelings and moving on better than before (because I surely didn’t move on properly before, hence why I had so many negative feelings). Once again. I really really needed to hear this. Maybe I’m finally processing and wading towards not thinking about it as much.

Edit 3: OKAY! I have confirmation that they were always just like this. They've always just been sensitive and tend to drop people for no discernable reason!! That actually makes me feel so much better oml. Just KNOWING they have a tendency to drop people over not so serious things makes me feel better because I feel that they exaggerated a lot of things when they sent their message. Like me touching them? I listened to them, I stopped touching them after they told me. I stopped patting their shoulder, that's the touching they're referring to. But after that I went to only touching their backpack (which they didn't mind for the longest time, but apparently they started hating it and I was meant to just KNOW that). As for the jokes, I was still trying to find my personality (and I still am) so I'd copy whatever jokes they had made or keep the same 5 jokes that got a reaction. That blankets over ALL the humor, inculding the drawing (which I only did because they found it funny at the time). And they aren't innocent either!! They kept drawing my sona with a character I hated violently making out, which made me WILDLY uncomfortable, I even expressed it several times!!! Which, YIKES. At this point I'm done hiding my anger, I'm just gonna let it all air out. I hated how they would NEVER talk to me. They never communicated properly and when they did it was followed. I know I had a tough time with it when I was first told as I tend to forget unless reminded so that was my bad. I am working on my own communication skills, but goddamn at least they aren't as abhorrent as theirs. I hate them, so very terribly so. (No I don't, I am actively lying to myself. BUT HEY! I know NO ONE is reading these anyway. It's practically just for myself rn which I find pretty fun. It's like keeping track of all my stupid feelings that I've had since crashing out over this whole thing!). ANYWAY. Point is, they have ALWAYS been this way and I feel less bad for my actions and subsequent reactions. I needed to get out how shitty I felt, and I did.

Finally confiding in other people made it feel so much better!! I hate their actions, the way they handled the situation, and how they treated me. I don't hate THEM. If I could do it over again, I would be friends with them and try to speak with them sooner. I should've talked to them when they decided to pull back, but I just thought they were having more home trouble.

I will admit, I was pretty shitty for making fun of their interests, but that was our style of humor at the time. They seemed to receive it positively, and as I said, I would try to replicate that by repeating it over and over because it got a reaction. In truth, I still sort of work that way but I tend to repeat things less now because of how sheerly annoying I know I was. This genuinely makes me so angry still because of how they handled it all. That's legitimately why I'm still yapping about it months after the fact. Maybe I could never truly mend our friendship, even knowing what I know now, but it's no problem for me. Maybe we're better off without one another. Maybe they should learn to speak with people when they have a problem instead of talking behind someone's bak for months and grimacing every time they walk into a fucking room!! Alas, maybe I haven't matured all that much. But, it feels damn good to finally vent out all this shit. I BARELY spoke about it to ANYONE because I didn't want to get people caught up in something that was meant to be between us. But, learning that it was NOT in fact just between us has made me open up a bit more about it.

But hey, Gold, if you happen to read this, I don't hate you, but goddamn do you need to change too. Be kinder, grow some skin, and actually TALK with people. NO ONE IS A MIND READER!! No one can tell if you're displeased unless you SAY IT!!