The Extra Time

Hi,

Kembali lagi di curhatan gw yang ga guna. Sebenarnya mau curhat serius, tapi baru sadar otak ini isinya ga se-overthinking dulu.

Jadi hari ini gw mau cerita tentang Dhienda and The Red Button.

Sebelum gw mulai cerita, mari perkenalkan dulu tokoh yang selalu menjadi saksi hidup pertama ke-chaosan aku bekerja. Gw selalu memanggilnya Ebep. Boleh kok dipanggil mimiaw, meong, bep, bebep. Apapun pasti dia nyaut apalagi kalo dipanggil dengan pesugihan pisang raja.

Jadi, selama WFH kantor gw itu selalu menggunakan aplikasi Zoom untuk meeting dengan klien atau presentasi webinar (ya kantor gw sering ngadain webinar gitu dee padahal gw bukan kerja di Ruang Guru). Terus karena di kantor cuman punya 1 akun Zoom, jadi akun itu bisa diakses oleh orang yg punya password. Sayangnya, salah satu orang di kantor yang bisa akses Zoom kantor adalah gue. Pokoknya mah, emang jangan percayakan tombol-tombol penting ke hamba. Karena only God knows what would happen.

Waktu itu bos gw minta gw buat bikinin buat meeting sama klien via Zoom saat itu juga. Terus gw sebagai karyawan yang emang ga rajin-rajin amat, ya langsung ke TKP. Terus bikin jadwal meeting Zoom as requested. Terus emang ada notif sih “THERE ARE OTHER MEETING, END OTHER MEETING?” kurang lebih begitu. Notifnya muncul dengan red button gede untuk nge-end. Yaaa gw sebagai mahluk polos yang penuh dosa ini, langsung ngeklik aja gitu.

And chaos ensues.

Jadi ternyata yang gua matikan itu adalah webinar yang lagi diadain orang HRD dan dibuka umum. Dan itu lagi di tengah webinar tiba-tiba mati dan traffic langsung drop. Sampe sekarang sih gw belom ngaku ke orang HRD kalo itu gw yang matiin. Mereka cuman tau kalo itu ada kesalahan teknis.

Sebenerny ga tau kenapa ya sama si Zoom ini tapi gw selalu ada aja gitu masalah ama si Zoom. Kejadiannya baru kemarin, jadi gw juga lagi ngadain webinar umum juga, ngundang narasumber. Gw ditugaskan buat jadi operator Zoomnya (I guess my company never learn anything, no?). Nah, pas lagi ditengah-tengah acara, gw bukannya nge-admit orang yang mau masuk, gw malah ga sengaja nge-mute narasumber yang lagi ngomong.

Gue kayak… eh……… kepencet shay.

Maapin.

Yagitu deh, emang jangan mentugaskan gue dengan tombol-tombol penting.

TAPI bukan cuman tombol aja sih,

Pernah pas lagi presentasi ke klien, jadi ada nama material yaitu ‘Vermiculite’. Dia ini buat sistem tahan api gitu deh. Nah singkatnya, pas gw lagi presentasi maksud hati gw ingin menyebut vermiculite. Tapi yang terucap di gw adalah ‘Jadi Pak, untuk sisem ini ada campuran VERMI-KUTILnya…’ Vermikutil tuh apaa?? Zat untuk tahan gatal??

untungnya yaa… Namanya juga kita yang presentasi ke orang awam. Mereka iya-iya aja ga paham. (iya, abis gw menyebutkan kesalahan terus ngga gw perbaiki. Gw biarkan mereka tersesat).

Kadang gw suka mikir sih… kok gw kerja begini amat… tapi yah, kadang pikiran hanya sebatas terlintas di otak aja. Ga gw lakuin juga.

Hahaha…

Gue juga ga pernah mikirin yang terlalu dalem tentang keyakinan buat nikah sih. Tapi kayaknya, when you meet the right person, everything becomes easier.

Ya gampang aja gitu jalaninnya.

I always say that I never be ready. But I know, deep down I’m a mom already.

I know deep down that I always want to have kids. LOTS OF THEM.

I grew up in big family, and it always warm my heart.

And if I have a baby someday, I want them to have sisters or brothers. So they can tease each other. They can scream each other while they’re young. Then, when they turned 17 or 20, they can be each other support system. Am I putting them into expectations? Probably. But I hope they’d find each other’s comfort.

It’s about my job (meh)

Biasanya dulu selama kuliah gw selalu Curhat Semester. Tapi karena sekarang gw udah kerja, gua gatau judul yang tepat itu apa.

Jadi curhat kali ini akan dimulai dari:

How I found my job?

it’s started with job vacancy in JobStreet *teehee. Lame, I know. Dulu gw apply di JobStreet asal main klik klik klik filtered by expected salary. Ya pokoknya semua kerjaan gw apply dah.

Nah, karena expected salary gw ga ada yang masuk buat jadi kerjaan junior architect (SERIOUSLY WHAT’S WRONG FOR BEING AN ARCHITECT AND HAVE DECENT SALARY) jadilah yang muncul di page JobStreet gw juga ga ada yang jadi arsitek. Ya pokoknya sebagai anak baru lulus S2, pokoknya kerjaan apapun gw apply aja. I need money!!!

Sampai suatu ketika ada telepon bilang, ‘iya kami dari perusahaan XXXXXXX(my current company’s name)’ terus dalem hati kayak. Apakah ini perusahaan minyak? Namanya kok fancy ya. Yaudah gw iyain aja. Pokoknya dulu selama cari kerjaan mah semua interview gw iyain deh. Anaknya bener-bener ga milih yang penting kerja aja. (Gw bahkan dulu pernah apply di perusahaan kelapa sawit buat jadi operating site manager - and i’m architecture graduates. Gw bener-bener ga milih kerjaan. Lol)

Kadang suka heran gitu sama orang yang milih-milih kerjaan pas lagi nganggur dan butuh duit kayak, ‘duh tapi gw ga cocok sama job descriptionnya’, ‘duh kerjaannya jauh’, ‘dia butuhnya yang udah ada pengalaman 3 tahun.’ Hhhh... apply aja dulu.

Siapa sih yang jujur pas interview.

Hehehehehe

Long story short, pas interview gw ga ada jujur-jujurnya.

Pas apply pun gw bahkan gatau yang gw apply tuh posisi apa. Posisinya namanya panjang. System specifier representative (WTF IS THAT???). Pas diinterview, I TOLD NOTHING BUT LIES. BRO I NEED A JOB AND MONEY TO LIVE. ANYTHING I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GET MY ASS TO WORK.

Jadi user gw (now she’s my manager) bilang sama gw kalo kerjaan ini butuh orang yang bisa bawa kendaraan. Pas ditanya, ‘kamu bisa bawa mobil kan?’ Me, a 26yo woman who never been drive any vehicle before (except for bycycle) said ‘Bisa kok!!’

Gw pikir waktu itu cuman: yang penting gw kerja dulu. Lol.

Jadi kerjaan gw itu adalah menjadi seorang system specifier. Rantai terbawah dari sebuah proyek.

Kerjaannya ngapain? Kissing anyone’s ass to use our product. Kidding. I’m selling my product without kissing anyone’s ass. Except one of my coworkers. They’re doing God knows what.

Di kantor, titel gw itu adalah system spec representative. Sounds cool huh? But the longer your title is, the lower you in the system. Kayak emang kalo jadi kacung tuh jabatan dibuat keren, makanya titelnya panjang. Coba kalo lo bos. Jabatan lo di kartu nama ya cuman director. CEO. Tapi karena lo masih kacung, company ga mungkin kan ngasih titel kacung di kartu nama? Jadi dibuatlah titel yang panjang biar terlihat keren.

Nah, setelah proses recruitment yang lumayan panjang akhirnya gw diterima. Pas diterima, IT’S PAYBACK FOR WHAT I’VE BEEN LIED ABOUT.

Yeaaa.. I was told the HRD that I was fast learner, in fact up until almost 2 years I’ve been working here, I’m as confused as I was the new comer.

Tiap kali gw ketemu klien, gw cuman said something *that probably--90%* technically incorrect and let people more confused about their problems.

Pernah suatu ketika gw presentasi dan disitu gw bego banget. Keliatan banget anak baru ga kompetennya, my client is so angry because I knew nothing about the technical product yang berujung sampe sekarang gw ga mau follow up ke kantor dia lagi. Hahahahaha *don’t tell my boss she knows nothin.

Pas diinterview gw bilang, dulupun gua pernah kerja di sebuah developer kecil dan disitu pun ada target penjualannya, gw bilang aja gw berhasil jual 3 unit rumah. *lol I even knew nothing about the company. Pas masuk, ya ditagih dong my selling skill. Up until 6 month I yield nothing. Lol. My boss always scream at me due to my lack performance. 

Well kid, there are nothing that you could learned from my story.

To conclude my essay, 

lying is bad,

but you need money to live.

so, fake it till you make it.

katanya, we lost the ability of free will ever since we born. In fact, we never had one. The brain, manipulated us in some ways. 

We’re the empty vessel.

a walking ghost. 

Why bothered to choose the direction of your life when everything is already decided by some whatever it is that engined the universe. Either by god, the empty dust, the whatever vacuum space out there

We always fight. Fight the unknown. We always say “This is not the reason I live for,” while in fact, there is no reason. At all. 

No reason to fight.

You bottled up your feeling of emptiness, while in fact you should embrace it. 

But for whom I have to be strong? My self? No, I want to be weak and helpless. I want to cry out loud anytime I want. Why do I need to bottled up my feelings since I never really care about other’s feeling anyway.

So, here’s a few thing to cheer what so called gloomy post up:

- i got my ear pierced!!

It’s still 1/3 way to go. Or maybe 1/4. Idk. I have planned to get my triple lobe done by the end of the month. And my final goals is to get helix (but a friend told me that it’s so painful so idk i’m still chicken out). And I want low helix too!

- I Buy cute dress monthly!!

Yes. I’m doing it and I’m smart buyer (kinda) I know how to buy cute dress with absolute win win price!! I should probably open consultant where girls can ask me where to buy cute with affordable dress and WHEN. Because you need to know the online sale schedule also.

- I’m so excited to my soon to be marriage life

It will not be as the way I imagined, but I‘m looking for it.

Sometimes all the phrase that I recite, all the faith that I’ve been believed in, is not making sense.

Sometimes I ask you, if you were really there but all I got is silent.

Are You really there or am I just living in vacuum space.

I’m tired of making sense.

Let me be crazy.

Like a moth crying for its light.

I’m craving for something nonsense.

I’m driving myself into nothingness,

Wake up in the middle of the night, can’t sleep, feel empty, can’t hold myself to cry. Sobbing real hard and made my face swollen the day after.

Yesterday I was crying without any reason.

I felt so much pain in my chest which I didn’t know how to endure it.

It just one of those day...

I got so panicked because I told myself to stop being in pain and cry but my body won’t listen.

Is not that I have so many problems in my life, or any reason to cry.

But my body won’t listen. They just cry hard, made everything so heavy, gasping for air, I can’t think, can’t see clearly, all I want was just stop being crying.

But I didn’t.

I used to think that maybe the reason lays in the regrets of the past, the things that shouldn’t. Or maybe it’s because of the worry for the future and the invincible what ifs.

But yesterday I cried because of what I am now. The feeling that I feel right now in the present. I feel hollow. I feel like I am an empty shell. I don’t feel like i am belong to my own body.

I never know how someone could missing someone so dearest and tweet about it and say hey I miss you. I never miss someone terribly nor I could feel that if someone is really miss me or they just type it aimlessly on their screen phone.

But a few days ago, my dearest friend told me that she’s having a trouble. She’s in foreign country, alone, and she said that sometimes she’s crying and she said she misses me. 

But when I read her message, my heart ache. I can’t hide my tears while I read. And I imagine that she’s having probably 10 times harder than I felt. What she wrote maybe is not entirely what she’s been through and it really breaks my heart.

In that moment, how I wish I could hold her and tell her how amazing she always been.  

When she wrote that she missed me, I can feel her earnest and how it echoed in my heart that she needs me. Oh how I wish I could fly right away to Spain just to hold her. 

And that’s when I feel what people called, “Rindu Dendam”.

I miss her. 

Well... first of all, yes I always thinking that I will end up with someone. Cause I don’t think I could survived in this life without my significant other. I always need someone eventho I can do everything alone.

I used to be curious, who’s gonna I end up with. Now that I finally 70% sure that it’s him, I feel..well, nothing to be exaggerated about. I feel oke. And it’s good. Yes, there are a lot of worries. But I can manage.

Yes, there’s still a lot that I still not figured out like.. yes I know I need a man in my life but do I really like man??? I don’t even like girls either but man??? Yes I can be monogamous for my entire life (since I don’t even like being involved in any relationship) but can he accepts me for the way I am????? I know it’s something that I should talk about with my soon to be partner for life not to write it down on tumblr BUT I need an outlet for my nonexistent problem.

Well.. it’s true tho. I don’t like being in relationship. In fact, I HATE BEING IN RELATIONSHIP. With my soon to be partner, he’s easy to talk to. We have VEEERRRYYYY different likes and dislikes. We’re not even in the different side of poles, we’re in nowhere so we don’t even know if there’s a point where we could attract each other to the poles. BUT. We did. I don’t even know how, or why, but I chose him— I chose someone who absolutely has 0 common with me. And since I really simple person who wants simple life plus somewhow God make it through in the middle, well.. untill this time he’s the only candidate that I could only think of to spend the rest of my life with.

Oke, back to the statement where I say... I HATE BEING IN RELATIONSHIP. Well it’s true. Being in relationship makes me worried about anything. About who’s the one who loves better, or who’s the one who always does everything wrong, etc etc etc. It’s always make me think about the comparison. Is it me or them. Why me like this why them like that. It’s so hard for me to coexist together. I don’t see me being a good partner for my future partner. It’s gonna be so hard for them and for me to accept that there’s someone that I have to take responsibility for.

So many reasons and doubts.

Well.. I guess that’s just a tip of an iceberg. I don’t even start to the whole mountain yet (which I will never be able to tell or write anywhere).

And don’t ask me about children.

Yes I reaaaally want to have one someday. I like kids. I HAVE ALREADY DECIDED MY KIDS NAME SINCE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL BEFORE I COULD EVER THINK ABOUT THEIR FATHER. Children always been my obsession. I always wonder how I could be their cool mom. Who plays together get stupid together and yet pass the wisdom along the way. It will be fun. Being a mom. I couldn’t imagine how much love I could give to my kids.

Being a mom means sacrifice yet you get everything that no one could ever imagine; the pain, happiness, cry, well.. I don’t know. I’m not a mom yet but somehow I know I will be one. And it will change me. Do I ready for it? I DON’T KNOW.

But I guess that’s the funny part about the future and the change. They come when you’re not ready. You will never be ready unless they come. You are what you’re saying right now, but when THE TIME has arrived, you will never be as the same person as once you told you were. And that’s okey.

Everything is okey says everybody. The confusion I have right now may never be answered for this lifetime. The worried I have right now may or may not be gone by the time I eventually get married, but everything is okey says everybody.