the_culturious

sometimes I wonder if I was born a woman or if I was taught to be a woman…

as a cis-woman, I have never questioned my feminine identity or felt uncomfortable with the label of female. but today, as I followed my complex and detailed beauty routine, I found myself thinking that what I truly enjoyed about my routine was the ritual and feeling of control it gave me rather than the result of feminine beauty. you see, I grew up in an extremely controlling and conservative christian family and was allowed very little self-expression throughout my childhood. attempts to self-identify myself through clothing, music or friendships were met with emotional abuse but my beauty routine was considered an acceptable expression of the traditional female gender role. these days I find myself identifying less and less within the traditional gender role binary. my strong, direct personality has always felt far too masculine and sat juxtaposed with my far too feminine desire to appear styled and put together in the public eye.

There are two stages of being that I like my home to be in:

1. Perfectly setup to suit my life and decorated to express my personality.

2. The mess of moving somewhere else, with haphazard boxes and piles all designating whete everything is going.

It makes me happy to know that each thing is headed forward to a new goal. Some to be sold, some to be donated, some to be thrown away and some to be packed for the trip. It is a physical reminder of the forward movement of my own life and a tangible, measurable change that gives me immense satiafaction. There is no fear in me of the unknown future. Only an unending hope that the change will make tomorrow better than the day before. The same hope that leads to despair when that future disappoints and yet I can't seem to stamp it out. This fervent belief that if I just change enough then life will be more than good, it will be fulfilling.

A well wish from my heart: My each step take you foward to tomorrows that are each forever brighter than the day before.

Most people find short-term precogs a little eerie. Our ability to follow the ripples of time and recognise potential pathways means that we are constantly one step ahead of the flow. We know to step 2 cms further to the left to avoid the table shoved in our direction, how to wind through a crowd untouched and to hand over what is needed before the request is made. We move through the world with an effortless grace that seems untouched by the chaos around us.

So it goes without saying that a shorty is hard to scare.

Incident 1

I breathe deeply through my nose and then let it out in a gust of air.

'First days are incredibly boring' I think to myself as I scan the gathering. It's awkward having to feign interest in a host of new people, and additionally difficult to pretend not to know everything they're going to say a solid 10 seconds before it rolls out of their mouths. I stop daydreaming as my premonition tickles and warns me that the Superintendent is about to excuse us from our current group of 5 to introduce me to someone he deems important.

"I'm headed to the bathroom." I state calmly just as the Superintendent turns toward me, their mouth not yet rounded in the first syllable of their sentence.

I take quicks steps away from the group before a protest can be voiced or company offered and head towards the door, cutting across the front gardens for the most direct route. I make it all the way up the entry hallway undisturbed until I take a quick step to the left narrowly avoiding the foot that is stuck out a few seconds later.

"So, you must be the shorty". This sentence is followed by a sparkling set of eyes as a tall body steps out from behind the pillar to my right.

"However did you guess?" I reply sarcastically, flicking my eyes up to theirs before moving to continue walking. I pause again at the prickle of my mind and sigh as the Superintendent comes up behind us and says

"Ah, I see you've met! Lyen meet Juang. They’ll be the new DPS on your team and I expect you’ll be working closely together.”

Incident 2

I stop short as I catch myself pacing throughout the library. I can’t even remember getting out of my desk chair. Something about my team’s last social research assignment is prickling in the back of my mind but no matter how much I think about it I can’t pinpoint the problem. Was it an interaction I had with the Elders? Maybe when Juang pissed off the LSO by failing to report the particle blaster he carried for “therapeutic” reasons? A cultural deviance that I had somehow overlooked? There was something! Something I just can’t shake even now after returning to our headquarters for our biannual mandatory holiday break. I take a deep breath in and realise that the room has grown dark and the setting sun is casting deep shadows across the room making the minimalist, industrial decor look faintly ominous.

‘Ugh, I’m getting nowhere with this!’ I think as I stride out of the room, pausing to scoop up a pile of reports on my desk. As I turn down the hallway, my mind absorbed in the files I’m skimming, my instincts prickle and I count to 8 in my head before pausing midstride.

Whoosh! An indistinct object flies through the air and splatters on the far wall. The wet dishcloth had rushed through the air exactly where my head would have been if I hadn’t paused.

"Damn it!" Juang mutters from the kitchen entry, their hands still covered in suds, hair ruffled and slightly wet, as if they've forgetfully run their hands through their hair.

"I'm going to catch you off guard someday." they say with a smirk, catching my eyes.

I simply shrug and continue walking, our interaction already slipping from my mind.

Incident 3

The heat of the day is finally fading as we walk down the street with the setting sun in our eyes. I'm going over the final details of our case, mentally planning what the report will say before I zone back into Juang insistently saying

"Come one! Buying you a meal is the least I can do. You did save my life after all" I squint at them dubiously.

"What have you got up your sleeve? Whenever you offer to buy there's always trouble!"

"There's a really great tapas place near here! We can have the team meet us there."

I notice the neat sidestep of my accusation but the promise of alcohol and tapas is enough for me to let it slip by. The trendy hybrid cafe/restaurant/bar is tucked inside a heritage brick building but the interior is all exposed beams, modern lighting and eclectic music posters with some indie electrofusion playing in the background. As we're talking to the host about a table our team pulls up and piles out of the eSuv. The five of us have worked together on and off since the Kinarii incident. Turns out being locked in together for 5 months of quarantine means an even toss-up between us killing each other or killing for each other.

"Still alive?" Jois says by greeting.

"Still alive!" Juang and I reply, both holding up fingers crossed.

"We lucked out, there's a booth available" I add "Freja, want to help me grab the drinks?" Freja nods in agreement as we head towards the bar while the others claim our spot.

I've got two beer glasses in one hand and a cocktail glass in the other as we walk up to the booth and prepare to slide in. Freja heads to the left beside Kuun so I'm left to slide in next to Juang. My spine tingles and I smirk as I subtly adjust my grip on the beers so that when the jostle at my elbow comes the beer sloshes precisely onto Juang's top and nowhere else. Freya snorts while Jois and Kuun outright chuckle.

"That one got flipped on you Juang" Kuun chortles.

Incident 4

"Agents Lyun Ayr ... & Juang Cefir ... report to the superintendent's office immediately... Agents Lyun Ayr... & Juang Cefir ... report to the superintendent's office immediately"

I'm already half out of my chair as the intercom announcement cuts through my conversation with Jois.

"Here we go again. What do you think? Suspension or fine?" I remark to Jois with an eye roll. They just laugh in response and I head towards the lift. It's all the way up on floor 43 and I get a few flashes on the trip up that make me smirk. Juang is already there and getting an earful from the superintendent about regulation standards and following directives. The university elevator dings and I stride out, nodding to the receptionist as I head into the Superintendent's office. It's a well-appointed room with floor to ceiling windows along the entire right wall and tasteful decor in tones of grey and green. They're both seated at the far end of the prominent oak and metal boardroom table with the superintendent at the head of the table, half risen out of his chair and Juang to his right, looking not at all sorry. Ugh, trust that idiot to make it worse. My spine prickles with a light warning as I head down the opposite side of the table and pull out the chair opposite Juang. They’ve both looked up and the superintendent raises his eyebrow when I step to the side instead of sitting only to grin wrily as the chair goes toppling backwards courtesy of Juang’s long legs.

“You see what I have to put up with?” I direct at the superintendent with exaggerated frustration. “Clearly I’m not the one who instigated this situation!”

“Yes, yes I’m aware. You can go. Just make sure you file the paperwork for the both of you” replies the superintendent.

“Traitor!” Juang mutters under their breath as I shoot them a smirk before turning to leave again.

Incident 5

It's late by the time I finally get back to my apartment. I key in my entry code and shove the door open with my hip as I push through the door and drop my bag on the floor. It lands with a noisy thud and the air rushes out of me as I bend to unlace my boots and push them off. Click, click, click. My spine and shoulders crack as I stand upright again and once again a deep sigh seeps out of me. Today felt as though it was neverending and I'm completely drained from my emotional output. I roll my neck as I walk towards the living room, only reacting last minute as I spin towards the intruder stepping out from a hallway door. Time freezes. I stand with my body twisted towards the doorway and my right fist rushing towards Juang who is poised there with their arms raised in the universal 'rawr' pose, their eyes widened comically and their mouth slightly parted. Time starts again. I manage to slow the impact of my fist and deflect it away from Juang's nose to glance off their jaw. We both stand there slack in motionless silence. My hand throbs lightly from impact and I'm sure their jaw is no better but neither of us makes to move, standing there in awkward stillness while I stare at the wall with a newfound fascination. Finally, their eyes drop to mine and Juang says  "you didn't dodge?"

It was more of a statement than a question. I can feel weighted eyes on my own so I drag a breath up from the depth of my lungs and answer

"I didn't see it coming".

...

There's an old wives tale that says that only when a shorty is deeply comfortable with a person; when they trust another more than themselves; when they subconsciously switch off their constant monitoring of time's flow; when they truly and deeply relax into another's presence, only then can that person catch them off guard.