way too many feels

I’m against it because capital punishment is a heinous remnant of governments past and it really has no part in modern society. Capital punishment isn’t a deterrent to crime, innocent people may - and have - been executed, it costs more for someone to be sent to death row than it would if they were sentenced to life without parole, death sentences aren’t fair as someone could have killed 50 people could get life imprisonment while someone who has killed only one person could get sentenced to death, it’s racist, being sentenced to life in prison also stops them from committing crimes so what’s the point in killing them? Capital punishment is purely about revenge and only creates more victims. It also makes absolutely no sense to kill someone for killing someone. To agree with the “an eye for an eye” logic is illogical, hypocritical, and extremely archaic.

There is an infectious presence of racism in the death penalty and racial disparities plague the justice system. There have been countless studies that indicate racial bias when it comes to sentencing. The Baldus study showed that defendants of colour were 1.7 times more likely to receive the death penalty than white defendants in similar murder cases. It also showed that murderers of colour with white victims were 4.3 times more likely to be sentenced to death than whites that killed people of colour under similar circumstances. A 2007 study in Connecticut showed that defendants of colour receive the death penalty at three times the rate of white defendants. In Philadelphia, the same study found that defendants of colour are four times more likely to be sentenced to death than whites. This same study has been replicated in a number of other states and showed very similar results - people of colour are given the death penalty more often than whites. There was not once State in America that indicated otherwise. There is a clear pattern of evidence that indicates racial disparities in the charging, sentencing, and imposition of the death penalty in America. In fact, DA of Texas Chuck Rosenthal resigned after sending and receiving a number of racist emails regarding the death penalty - out of the 32 cases he sought the death penalty, 29 defendants were people of colour.

The department of corrections stated that housing death row inmates costs more than twice as much as life imprisonment inmates. The average cost of defending in a federal death case is around 8 times more expensive than in which the death penalty is not sought. Texas, for example, is spending $2.3 million PER death row case. California would save approximately $90 million per year if they were to abolish the death penalty. This money could go towards something more beneficial, such as victim advocacy and assisting in solving crimes.It’s a waste of money. Literally hundreds of millions of dollars are being wasted on a response to murder which is calculated to be carried out on a small amount of unlucky people per year and which has done nothing to stem the rise in murder, which is therefor ineffective.

Murder is a heinous act, regardless of who has committed it and it should not be sanctioned by the government for any reason. Life imprisonment is punishment -  punishment that doesn’t see innocent people killed. People tend to forget that the children, grandchildren, parents and spouses of murderers on death row are just as innocent as the victim and their family. The death penalty just causes more trauma and heartache for loved ones. Furthermore, the appeal process is a long and winding process and keeps the killer in the media and keeps opening up old wounds. Life imprisonment means they are locked away and quietly forgotten about. Capital punishment makes people infamous.

i had a wave of hope and relief. there it is. a “legitimate” reason to go back. his career is moving up and we need to be in this place so he can succeed, whatever whatever. he doesn’t TRULY have to, since they already want him to do it while he’s remote and they’ve made no demands or expectations of that to change. but i can use that. it’s real. it’s not just “things were too hard so we left” and feel like a fucking failure. i suppose there’s a part of me that lightly worries others will be judgmental like “oh she couldn’t hack it, she’s weak and couldn’t handle anything even slightly challenging.” but mostly i need it for myself, so it is not on me to have made this big mistake and have D resent me for it. i know i cannot make D do anything he doesn’t want to do, so i shouldn’t worry that i’m somehow ‘forcing’ him to do anything. he genuinely seems like he wants to go back too, that the cost and the inconvenience and loneliness of living here isn’t worth it, or at the very least, he isn’t enjoying it as much as he thought and that alone makes it a waste of money.

we are staying at least another year though. we want to have an outdoorsy summer and see the state, and we want to host thanksgiving here in the fall. plus, according to capital gains tax rules (i think?) there’s a 2 year window after you buy a house where you could get fucked on taxes if you sell it again. or something i don’t quite understand. so we need to wait until at least feb 2021 before we try to sell the house. it isn’t 100% decided, but it feels about 90% likelihood that we’ll go back to cleveland. 

i really, really, really hope that happens. this hasn’t worked out at all. the future has felt like a black hole of failure and so many unknowns and a big question mark. there’s a spark of hope and a possible path to something good.

i know i need to be careful about my feelings and ideas. i need to not assume anything with D and keep things open and honest between us. i need to remember to enjoy or at least make the best of the time we’re still here, and until we sign some type of paperwork for movers or with house buyers or anything else... nothing is guaranteed. there have been too many times in my life when i’ve been in a crappy moment and can’t wait to get out of that moment, and i make it crappier by being impatient and expecting the moment that the big thing i’m waiting for happens, everything will be perfect and magical. a) it is never as magical as i think it will be, even if it is better instead of worse b) it makes the time between then and now absolutely MISERABLE. i become a cranky and single-focused person. i say and do things i wouldn’t do otherwise. 

in the months of 2017/2018 leading up to knowing we were moving from cleveland to seattle, i was an angry and mean person. i insulted everything about cleveland and the midwest and probably hurt a lot of my friends’ feelings. i didn’t go to the gym or eat healthy or take care of myself, bc i told myself that once we got to seattle, everything would be amazing and i would start over then. i gained weight, i didn’t spend time with people i love and respect that i met at the gym, i felt depressed and lethargic and did nothing about it when exercise would have helped. i didn’t spend enough time with friends i love and i didn’t realize how much i would miss them... i also didn’t see and feel that they loved and would miss ME. i thought no one cared that i was leaving and didn’t understand what i was leaving behind. 

i HAVE TO do better this year. i have to be careful not to get to wrapped up in an idea that may not happen in the time or in the way i expect. i have to be present instead of always hoping and waiting for a mythical future where everything is better and i’m happy. i have to make my own happiness.