the breakdown is the becoming

Quality time. Knowing that someone WANTS to spend time with me/ someone is actively choosing me over other things means so much. I appreciate the distraction from my own thoughts and feel so valued.

is physically present, close to me

asks questions to clarify along the way or follow up questions later

helps me to slow down 

reminds me that not comments/feedback mean that I could have done better or failed

offers to make a decision for me

says “your reaction makes sense/ is appropriate”

asks if I’m feeling ok (physically and emotionally)

checks in throughout the day so I know I’m on their mind; doesn’t have to force conversation

smiles at the same things I do

help identify new goals

I think a lot about how I tend to lead when describing myself to others about the state of my mental health. I’m sure that’s an “overshare” and I hate that I’ve let that become my entire personality... like my defining characteristic. I am this... and my hobbies are overthinking about and trying to manage my brain. That’s not normal. And at the same time I feel like it’s important to acknowledge early and often because it is such a big part of my day to day experience. 

I’m stuck in there. And it’s turned into such a bad place to be. I read posts and status updates from 10 years ago and there’s still such hope and peace and goodness there and I feel like I don’t know her. I mean if I didn’t still believe in good things or hope for good things then I wouldn’t write or think or care so there’s something but I don’t know how to get back there. I don’t like who I see. I’m not proud. I feel like I’ve let myself down and I know I’m difficult to deal with. Everything is overwhelming. Everything leads to judgement and fear. And it’s lonely. And I think the hardest thing I’ve learned lately is that just “surviving” it doesn’t mean that I’m DOING anything about it. All that energy is being used up fighting this beast that I created in and for myself. 

Consistently kind

Have a direction they’re moving in

Willingness to be vulnerable

Good listening

Value stability

Want to plan a future

Are a support and patient

Maintain and value a relationship with their family

Can talk about their feelings

Have good self awareness

Have empathy

Prioritize making time for conversation and connection

Accommodates my needs, doesn’t invalidate them

Pay attention to little things

Express gratitude

Indie Pop. Folk. Acoustic. Jazz. Singer Songwriter. Pop Rock. Modern Rock. 

The word library comes from Latin liber – the inner bark of trees.

“?!” is called an interrobang.

There are fewer stars than there are trees on Earth.

Gun Control

The Environment/ Sustainability

Access to Mental Health Care

My mission is to give myself more patience and grace. I will remember that life is a continuum, not a series of boxes to check off, and I will seek to learn, for learning is the basis for growth, and growing is the key to living with more compassion and confidence in self. I will look outside myself more often, paying attention for healthy behaviors, coping mechanisms, and ways to celebrate mindful moments. For the things I am unfamiliar with, I will ask questions and process and make decisions that feel appropriate for where I am (not because they are recommended or “trending”.) I must remember that it isn’t possible to change every aspect of myself or life that is uncomfortable, but that I can explore options with grace and incorporate portions (however small or large) into something that feels supportive versus overwhelming. 

I am allowed to feel unsure. I am allowed to be scared. I am allowed to cry. And I am allowed to feel tired. All without guilt. I am a person that feels and thinks in big ways, this would be unsustainable if I felt guilt with every thought or emotion.

I want to share this mission with the person I am romantically partnered with and discuss often what we are thinking about, learning, and seeing change in one another in celebration. 

I want to teach students to act with integrity and accountability, to remain curious and use that to spark conversations that allow for greater perspective, and grow beyond their current bounds. 

For those outside of my inner circle, I want to be seen as a confident, creative, adaptable person that offers sound advice when asked but even more so, a safe place to listen without overextending myself by problem solving.

I don’t know what it is I like, I have a hard time feeling secure in stating what my preferences are. I’m always asking for people to provide options and I’ll chose from that.

I feel that it’s my job to make sure everyone else feels taken care of hoping that if they feel better they will reciprocate.

I think of calling out half assed behavior or excuses is confrontational so I semi address it but don’t want to fight because I know people will continue to act they way they do and I will have to endure resentment/attitude because of it. 

I’ve never vocalized in a clearly articulate way what I need or expect from a relationship because that seems too assertive and I assume it’s too much/ too serious. It feels that someone else would find it very limiting.

I always answer/give a reply. Part of this is so I don’t feel lonely or that I am not needed but that also gives the impression I am always available for someone and that is not reciprocated.

I share things too quickly. 

I ask people for their opinions, usually on things I am anxious about, without taking the time to form my own thoughts first. 

The right to:

express and honor all of your feelings if you so choose.

make mistakes, to course correct, or change your mind.

talk true, be seen, and live free.

determine who has the privilege of being in your life.

be treated with respect, consideration, and care.

voice your opinion even if others disagree.

say no (or yes) to others without feeling guilty.

A boundary of mine

A quick rant about

A life goal of mine

A random fact that I love

A shower thought I recently had

A social cause I care about

All I ask is that you

An overshare

Apparently, my life’s soundtrack is

Believe it or not, I

Best travel story

Do you agree or disagree that

Don’t hate me if I 

Fact about me that surprises people

Green flags that I look for

I bet you can’t

I feel most supported when

I geek out on

I get along best with people who

I go crazy for

I hype myself up by

I recently discovered that

I take pride in

I think I’m finally ready

I want someone who

I wind d own by

I wish more people knew

I won’t shut up about

I’ll brag about

If love this is wrong, I don’t want to be right

I’ll fall for you if

I’ll introduce you to my family if

I’ll know I’ve found the one when

I’ll pick the topic if you start the conversation...

I’m a regular at

I’m looking for

I’m the type of texter who

Let’s debate this topic

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page about

My love language is

My best dad joke is

My cry in the shower song is

My favorite line from a book is

My greatest strength

My happy place

My ideal from home is

My last journal entry was about

My most irrational fear

My self care routine is

My simple pleasures

My therapist would say I

Never have I ever

New year, same

One thing I’ll never do again is

Something I want to try with  you is

Some that’s non-negotiable with me is

Teach me something about

The dorkiest thing about me

The hallmark of a good relationship is

The key to my heart is

The last time I cried happy tears was

The one thing  I’d love to know about you is

The one thing you should know about me is

The secret to getting to know me is

The way to win me over is

Therapy recently taught me

This is my year for

This year, I really want to

To me relaxation is

Two truths and a lie

Typical Sunday

Unusual skills

We’ll get along if

Weirdest gift I have ever received

We’re the same type of weird if

What if I told you that

When I need advice, I go to

Which is more important to you

Worst idea I’ve ever had

(Feeling guilty I haven’t written since my initial post but I caught myself thinking last night and remembered enough that I told myself to write it down.)

Today I had a phone interview for a job. A screening really. And I’ve had just a handful in the past three months. And here’s the thing, I really am not happy with the environment in my current job. The job itself is ok, not forever but ok, but it’s the people and the culture and the lack of support and initiative. And I don’t think it’s going to change, like 98% sure. So my choices are... stay (in a place that likely will continue operating as is does with it’s current culture and low enrollment which poses all kinds of problems and creates tension ALSO with a staff that while they mean well, doesn’t always carry the weight OR a senior staff that makes me feel alienated for working hard) or I have to start over again (find a new job, learn a whole new group of people, potentially move, etc.)

I do not like either option. A lot.

And so I try to think, “You’ve never liked any job or any coworkers... you did this before and it took you almost 8 years to rebuild and get a decent job with your own place and what if you set your life back all over again... so just stay. See something through. It’s hard but so is starting over, so stay with what you know.” That last sentence. It’s like poison. Because really what its doing is invalidating my pain, my mental health/exhaustion, my frustration, my gut feelings... I know if I stay things won’t change in any considerable way (and I’m talking about the relationships I have with the people I work with directly versus the enrollment/recruitment/program logistics which have also led to so much stress) but yet I’m still trying to convince myself that maybe if I stay... it’s almost like I can’t feel much worse and I know what to expect so just... do what you know because it’s enough to get by.

Then the other voices start to kick in. There’s “you’re going to have such a hard time getting hired because people see director on your resume but will be mystified how you got that because you’re so unsure and unrefined but their hands will be tied to some degree because they have to honor your title to some degree.” There’s “you know what to expect, you’re not going to fit in somewhere else where people are polished and professional, you belong right where you are at this place of misfits.” To “you really are going to move away now, what if something happens to mom and dad?” All my old friends... doubt, self deprecation, body image, fear... they pushed any real relationships/friendships out of my life so that they could be the last ones standing and tah dah, here they are. Loud and proud.

So as this crowded “discussion” is playing out in my head last night, a voice that seldom makes any noise decided to make an appearance. And here’s the thing about her... she’s right but she’s uncomfortable, and she’s so rarely heard from that she speaks at a whisper and she is so easy to drown out. But she started to say, “You’re scared. Scared to let go. Scared to start over. Scared of what happens if it doesn’t work wherever you go next. Scared to miss something here. Scared to be alone. Scared to change your routine (even if you do also hate it.) Scared to work with new people. Scared to learn new things. You’re scared. BUT there’s a chance that the hurt and discomfort about those scary things might pass someday... the hurt and discomfort if you stay where you are now... that’s almost guaranteed to stay. Can you take that?”

And I want to say... “it’s then that I started to realize...” although I don’t think it’s a fully formed realization yet BUT what flashed in my brain was, “Maybe what you’re really scared of is the changes that you’d have to make to yourself in all of this.”

Wow.  And ouch.

I guess what I mean is, I can learn to live in a new apartment/house- after all it’s just new rooms and whatever but the keeping yourself alive part is the same. I can learn how to do a new job, I’m smart. I can learn to work with new people, because that’s just being an adult and sucking it up (and while I might not always be the most polished I do know how to be a professional). But what’s scary is, I HAVE TO CHANGE. It can be any office on any campus in any city and any apartment they’re all interchangeable. I am what’s changing and needs to change. To get IT- to get... a new work life (with hopefully meaningful work that is supported), a living space that feels comfortable, a less angry/sad demeanor, just something different... I’m going to have to face myself. I’m going to have to do some things that are really uncomfortable. I’m going to have to be really honest with myself. And in the end, I’m going to have to make some changes. Me. No one else can do it. I can’t pawn it off. I can’t play the victim and say, “well its depression and anxiety and exhaustion and headaches and pain and I’m so overwhelmed and think it through for me and just tell me what I should do.” Maybe I’ve been hoping for that, and let’s say in a perfect world I did make a change like that... that’s not MY change, it didn’t come from me. And I’m smart enough to know it doesn’t work like that. (Also, what does that say about me that I would sign myself away like that?) 

What I want is comfort. To turn down the sadness, the anger, the anxiety... to turn down the urgency and volume of everything in me. But I think I’m starting to see that to do that, comfort isn’t going to yield any long term results. I desperately want to feel better NOW and so the familiar, the known seems like the obvious choice but as I said up there ^, I can see the next five years being just as painful and frustrating if that’s what I do. 

So, do you choose a different form of discomfort and do that for a little while, if it means more comfort later down the road (maybe?) I don’t know. I wish that whispering voice was louder, that she was so strong she blocked out everything else or pushed me in a direction...

Once upon a time I had two accounts here. One, a photography blog that was accidently deleted. The other, a yoga blog, intentionally deleted. The yoga blog was called, “the enlightenment of an aspiring yogi,” and for a while, I actually wrote some pretty beautiful posts. And that’s the problem... “for a while.” Everything about my journaling and blogging is just “for a while.” Consistency is my biggest problem. Which is kind of crazy because I like writing (handwriting and typing) and I love reading. And I am introspective to a fault. Literally, introspection to the point of an anxiety disorder, moderate depression, body dysmorphia, and increasingly more social isolation (which I can no longer conveniently blame on COVID and social distancing, etc.)

So what is the problem with journaling (or blogging as I guess this electronic version is technically called)? Well, several:

1. I always think that I need to have a great introduction. Something that states my intentions and in case it ever is read by a wide audience (because who knows who’s scouring the internet) is captivating and charming and vulnerable and leads to a book deal...

2. I get so lost in my thoughts and analyzing my feelings that my ONE thing I was going to write about suddenly turns into 10 tangents and a never ending entry/post that really justifies 10 separate posts yet is just endless rambling.

3. My brain is ACTUALLY hardwired to not start processing anything about myself until it hits the pillow, then suddenly it’s imperative that I get to the core of every thought and feeling I’ve experienced not only in that day, but my entire lifetime.

4. I actually do a lot better making connections or “assessing the damage” or “realizing my triggers and traumas” or whatever you want to label it, when I am talking- usually out loud to myself in the car.

This last point is actually the most important I think. Even though I know I’m not, I feel like I am the only person that out of the blue will start talking to myself as if another person is in the room with me, telling them about something that hurt or bothered me, today or ten years ago. Just pick up middle of an ongoing conversation I didn’t even know I was having with my subconscious and suddenly have it RIGHT NOW. And it has to be that unplanned element that is the magic of it; when my brain starts putting things together and it all comes pouring out of... my head? my heart? my mouth. Because the minute I tell myself, “no we’re going to think about/work though/handle this situation or feeling” or “we’re going to write about this later...” no more magic. It’s suddenly a thing we have to do.

I also get frustrated because I feel like I’m not explaining it well. If anyone were ever to read this, people today are NOT interested in reading long anythings. We want headlines, quotes, 30 second videos, “stories,” captions... Which means that the space and words you do get, you better make sure you are picking the absolute right ones to get your point across. And that’s a lot of pressure. I know we’ve all heard that when we feel alone in our thoughts/feelings it simply isn’t true because so many can relate... which is hard, because our pain and our stories are just that, OURS, but the bigger sentiment is that we’ve all felt pain and we all want that to be recognized. And to do that, we want to find the words that are uniquely ours. 

The things is, I think there’s a lot of value to journaling (whether others read it or not.) I think I’m programmed to write for an audience, like this post is talking to you not me. Realistically, I know I will be the only one who ever knows of it’s existence and that’s ok. The value is not in how many people read and respond (which is hard to remember in our world of likes and follows) but in creating a space for myself. A place to tackle a thought, leave fresh ones, maybe eventually look back and see a bigger picture, or growth, or healing.

I’ve collected some prompts for myself which I think might be the best way to tackle this (although free form is also “allowed.) And I like the idea of typing because faster and no hand cramps, hello Millennial.