Caradoc Dearborn

His hand traveling over her curves felt so good she couldn’t stop another moan falling from her lips. Especially not combined with his mouth. “Bloody hell, your mouth is incredible,” she whispered, surprised she’d spoken it out loud. Her hips bucked into him and she let out a louder moan at the feel of his fingers. “I need you.” Her needy tone showed how true her words were. This felt only a ghost of what they’d done last time, not enough skin against skin. But even so it was overwhelming. Her skin felt like it was buzzing from the electricity Doc was producing. Quickly she popped the button on his pants, dragging down the zipper with a soft moan of anticipation falling from her lips as she did. She let her fingertips of one hand drag up the front of his boxers while her other was already back on his hip, pushing down his boxers and pants enough to grip bare skin. “Doc,” she breathed out making his name sound like a plea for more. 

A need that only increased when he heard her moan again, heard the words she whispered that send an electric shock through his body. “Your body is incredible,” he murmured against her skin without thinking, moving his lips down her collarbone as far as her dress would let him. Fuck, he wanted that off, but not enough to even think about pulling away from her long enough to do it. Not when her hips were bucking into his hand. Her words and the need that colored her voice so clearly pulled another moan from Doc even as he slid his fingers under her knickers and began to touch her. “Lucy,” he breathed against her skin, a loud moan falling past his lips when she undid his button and moaned as she pulled down his zipper. “Yes,” he moaned at the feeling of her hand moving up his boxers, relief washing over him when she finally pulled them down. But it wasn’t enough, not even his fingers in her knickers were enough. Reluctantly he pulled his hand back, only so he could tug at her knickers, the other hand sliding down her body to join in. Stepping back from her slightly he pulled her knickers down as far as he could manage and then let his hands slide back up her legs, pushing her dress up further when he reached the hem and letting his lips find hers once more. “You’re beautiful,” He breathed against her lips, kissing her heatedly as he pulled her closer once again, ready to close the distance between them completely. 

Tonight she was quickly coming to the realization that it had not been exaggerated or had anything to do with anything but how amazing Doc was. Already her entire body wanted, craved, needed more. All that had been stopping her was a slight uncertainty if Doc had wanted to continue down the path they were going the moment their lips touched. Now that was cleared up she had no issue going after what they both wanted. Not even the open door she barely registered while Doc was kissing her neck. If it hadn’t been in her line of sight she’d have missed it completely.

Even still once she’d mentioned it she was no longer thinking about it. All she was thinking about was not having to wait till her flat to shag him. It wouldn’t be as good, there would still be too many clothes in the way but now that the idea was in her head Lucy needed to feel him. It wouldn’t satisfy her need but it would hopefully be enough to get them back to her flat because right now the idea of separating even to do that seemed too much. Lucy only had enough time to murmur, “I love magic,” before Doc was catching her lips with his in a deep kiss. His hand on her thigh making her moan into the kiss again. Lucy dipped the fingers of one hand into his waistband tugging him closer as her other hand squeezed between their bodies to touch him through his pants. Another moan leaving her when she felt how into this he was. Their kiss broke off leaving her breathing hard desperate for air, his name coming out in a breathless moan almost as soon as their lips parted. “Doc.”

All he could think of now was that he must have been lost in the desert, and it was only now that Lucy was pressed against him he could quench his thirst. For as hard as he’d tried not to think about that night, about how it had been greater than anything he’d ever experienced before, he hadn’t been able to forget it. He’d tried to write it off as adrenaline, but tonight neither of them had almost died and the heat were still there, blazing just as hot as it had been the first time. Maybe more so now, because his whole body was on fire with anticipation. 

His fingers dug lightly into her thigh when Lucy moaned into their kiss, the sound only spurring him onward but before he could do anything more her fingers were in his waistband and it was Doc’s turn to moan into her mouth. Fuck, that felt good, his body reacting even more than it already had been. And then her hand, oh Merlin, her hand! “Lucy!” He moaned at the feeling, and again at the way she moaned just from touching him, his hips bucking into her hand. Another moan fell past his lips at the sound of his name leaving her mouth like that. “Lucy,” he breathed, just as out of breath as she was but unable to keep his lips from kissing along her jawline and back down her neck, his hand on her back moving up her side, sliding over her curves before he reached her shoulder and gently pushed down the sleeve of her dress so his lips could travel to her shoulder. His other hand moving up to touch her through her knickers, his fingertips teasing at the edge of the fabric but waiting for some sign of permission from her before he went any further. 

The smile and the kissing. Merlin. It was clear that she hadn’t exaggerated his skill at this. While their conversation had been emotional tonight it wasn’t on the scale of almost dying so there was no reason to think her perception was muddled. Kissing Doc was just that good. There was no space for anything but that electricity that Doc produced in her so easily. That she’d been ready for, the feeling of this being familiar wasn’t. They’d only kissed once but it felt like she’d been on pause since the last time he’d kissed her and now the world was going once again. She moaned into their kiss at the feel of his fingers digging into her skin. Lucy had wondered if her dress was too short for the occasion but now she was wishing it was shorter, even though it was as nearly as short as she could go without getting arrested for indecent exposure. But she needed Doc’s hands on more of her.

Of all the things she’d missed about Doc it was hearing her name like that she missed most of all. Her lips curling into a smile at the sound. There was no hesitation in Lucy’s answer, the words had already been on the tip of her tongue before he’d asked. “Take me home,” she whispered with a smile. “But if you get awkward in the morning I’m throwing a pillow at you,” she teased him, her voice still thick with desire despite the teasing. Now that she understood better —she couldn’t really say she understood completely— the thought of facing another awkward morning wasn’t nearly as horrible. Not to mention it would be completely worth it to have more of Doc. Before she could say what else had come to mind he was kissing her neck again and bloody hell that felt good. She moaned softly at his words. “We don’t have to leave right away,” she conceded. “Might need to shut the door though.” Despite her words her hands were already making their way down to his waistband.

He also didn’t want to think about that right now, and for once not thinking was easy because Lucy was moaning again and Doc let his lips trail lower, down to skin that was exposed by that bloody wonderful dress of hers. He barely even registered what she was saying about the door, the fact that it was still open something he’d completely forgotten.

And it was gone again as he realized where her hands were heading, another soft moan falling past his lips. Fucking hell, it was incredibly hot how forward she was, how unhesitating. Where Doc might have stopped to think, to make sure he wasn’t moving things to far too quickly, Lucy’s hands were all over him giving him no room to doubt what she wanted. What they both wanted. Somehow he found it in himself to pull his hand off her back, grab his wand from his pocket and take his lips off her just long enough to cast a spell that shut the door and locked it. “That’s better,” he murmured, catching her lips in his and kissing her heatedly, his hand moving back to her lower back while the one on her leg moved to her inner thigh, daring to creep upward the tiniest bit further. 

Especially when their lips were crashing together, and it felt like it was the first time Doc had been able to breathe in weeks. Gone were his questions of what could happen in the future, gone were his fears, gone was everything except Lucy, her hands and lips pressed so amazingly against him. Doc felt like he was melting into their kiss, into Lucy’s hand on his neck, her fingers in his hair sending a thrill of electricity down his spine.

That was nothing to the rush of heat that flooded over him when her leg wrapped around his waist. Oh, bloody hell. Instantly his hand on her hip slid down her leg, pulling her even close – or trying to, because she couldn’t get closer right now. Doc wasn’t thinking about that, though, as his other moved to her lower back to press her as close as possible. He didn’t want to pull away from her, not for a second, but finally the need for air became too much and he pulled back just enough to take in a shallow breath. “Wow,” he breathed, unable to stop himself from trailing his lips down to her neck because bloody hell, it felt so good to be kissing her.

Lucy wanted to snog him till they were both dizzy from need of air. Which given the things his touch was doing to her wouldn’t be difficult. The way his hand felt on her leg, pulling her close, her already too short dress hitching up higher, made it certain she was going to be getting just what she wanted. Doc’s other hand on her lower back pressing her against him even more. All she could think about was his body pressed against hers. How her body fit so good into his even with too many layers between their skin.

Even when he pulled away she was still so close to him her panted out breaths seemed to be all she’d manage in the way of catching her breath. Except Doc was making it clear that catching her breath wasn’t an option, his lips trailing down her neck before she could even process the wow he’d breathed out. “Oh, Doc,” she whispered softly, somewhere between a breath and a moan. His lips sent fresh shivers down her spine and made it clear that all she needed right then was more of Doc. Her hand slipped down from his neck, trailed down the side of his chest not moving between them but close to where her body was pressed to his. Once she reached the hem of his shirt her hand followed it around to his back before moving slowly upwards. Hand splayed against his back it was part pressing him into her and part exploring his back because she couldn’t get enough of him under her hand or pressed against her to choose between them.

And Merlin had he missed kissing her too, never mind that it had only happened on one other occasion. That was something that was almost impossible to wrap his brain around. Lucy felt far too good pressed close to him like this, far too familiar, far too right. Like the world had been out of balance for the past few weeks, and finally everything was falling back into place. And heating up, incredibly so. Doc was far too aware of how short Lucy’s dress was, unable to stop his fingers creeping up just a little higher and digging into her skin gently.

Even better was the way she breathed out his name, the sound making him let out a hot exhale of breath against her neck between kisses. Her hand moving down his side sending a jolt of electricity through him, that only increased when her hand found its way under his shirt. “Lucy,” he breathed against her skin, his lips moving back up her neck so he could claim hers again, the hand on her leg drifting up just a touch more. “Should we...” he murmured, pulling back to look at her and hesitating before he finished. “Go back to the party, or get out of here?” His eyes searched his, leaving the choice up to her because after how things had gone last time, he wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to get out of there. It might not be a good idea. But they had to make a decision, because bloody hell if they stayed in here much longer he just might end shagging her in headquarters. Which actually wasn’t such a bad thought. “Or we could stay here,” he added, letting his lips move their way down her neck again.

But then there was the thought once again that it wasn’t fair of him to say things like that, just like it hadn’t been fair to blurt out that he wanted to kiss her. Not after he’d just told her he didn’t know what to do. That he couldn’t come right out and give her the answer she wanted – even though he was beginning to hope maybe with time he could. He couldn’t right now, and she deserved more than what he’d given her last time they snogged, more than him freaking out and leaving the next morning, and – he thought too much?

“Oh…” The quiet moment of understanding was all he had time for before Lucy’s lips were on his, and suddenly all the confusion and turmoil that had been swimming around in his mind vanished. Replaced only by Lucy, by her hand pulling him closer to her and he obeyed easily. One of his hands moved down to her hip, the other gently cupping her cheek as he deepened the kiss without thinking about it because bloody hell, Lucy’s lips against his felt so right and he couldn’t believe he’d even let himself forget that.

Doc was so concerned with what might be. But all Lucy wanted was this, a little honesty, laughter, kissing. She didn’t want to think about the future or what it all meant. All she wanted to do was think about how his lips fit so good with hers. About the little electric shocks everywhere skin touched skin. The fact that even when he was so caught up in his own head those things were still getting through made her happy. Hopeful, even.

And then they were kissing and nothing mattered but the electricity between them. As shattered as she’d felt he was making her feel just a few moments earlier she felt nothing but happiness now. Perfect. His hand on her hip sent electricity through her bones and she sighed into their kiss as he deepened it. This was what she wanted from Doc, nothing more, nothing less. Or maybe more but right at this moment just this. Her hand on his cheek went to his neck and her hand on his arm moved back up, fingers carefully moving through his hair. It was the type of kiss that got a girl to do reckless things like wrap a leg around his waist to pull him in closer even though there wasn’t any way they could be closer in their current position and clothed state.

Especially when their lips were crashing together, and it felt like it was the first time Doc had been able to breathe in weeks. Gone were his questions of what could happen in the future, gone were his fears, gone was everything except Lucy, her hands and lips pressed so amazingly against him. Doc felt like he was melting into their kiss, into Lucy’s hand on his neck, her fingers in his hair sending a thrill of electricity down his spine.

That was nothing to the rush of heat that flooded over him when her leg wrapped around his waist. Oh, bloody hell. Instantly his hand on her hip slid down her leg, pulling her even close -- or trying to, because she couldn’t get closer right now. Doc wasn’t thinking about that, though, as his other moved to her lower back to press her as close as possible. He didn’t want to pull away from her, not for a second, but finally the need for air became too much and he pulled back just enough to take in a shallow breath. “Wow,” he breathed, unable to stop himself from trailing his lips down to her neck because bloody hell, it felt so good to be kissing her.

But here she was, impossibly caring about him despite how hard he was making that for her to do. “I….I promise,” he finally answered, because he owed her that much. And because now that she was close to him again, and by some miracle she wasn’t angry at him, he was realizing he didn’t want to avoid her. “But I don’t think I can pretend you’re Rick. That’d make things very uncomfortable.” He surprised himself when he managed to give her the smallest beginnings of a grin. Never mind that he’d already managed to make things uncomfortable. Lucy’s fingers brushing the hair off his forehead and lingering against his cheek made him forget for a moment that he was still supposed to be uncomfortable. That he was supposed to be scared. This was exactly what had happened that night, too. Lucy was how he’d gotten out of his head. Because how could he think of anything else when she was touching him so gently?

“I really want to kiss you,” he murmured, the words falling past his lips thanks to the truth potion and firewhiskey. He instantly wished he could take them back, if only because he knew it wasn’t fair of him to say that. “I’m sorry,” he added quickly. “That’s not – that’s not fair to you. I just – it was out before I could stop it.” Fuck, he really was an idiot.

She smiled softly at his promise, relief clear in her eyes because whatever happened between them she needed to know he’d let her help him after missions. Lucy wasn’t sure what she’d do if he wouldn’t. Thankfully she didn’t have to worry about that any more. His added words surprised her and she let out a laugh. The sound filling the silence of the room. “I’m glad, I don’t really want you pretending I’m Rick.” His grin was small but she’d take it. For now. A sign that maybe he was feeling better about them. And then he was saying what she’d just been thinking and if it hadn’t been for his quick apology her fingers would likely have moved over to his lips, her own following after.

Helga’s pots he thought too much. His earlier words about not being able to get out of his head still with her. “You think too much, Doc,” she told him softly. Lucy was the opposite. She acted more than thought. Let her heart guide her instead of her head, which was how she’d ended up here. And was why she closed the distance between them and kissed him softly on the lips. One hand moving off his cheek to his arm trying to pull him closer even for just a moment.

But then there was the thought once again that it wasn’t fair of him to say things like that, just like it hadn’t been fair to blurt out that he wanted to kiss her. Not after he’d just told her he didn’t know what to do. That he couldn’t come right out and give her the answer she wanted -- even though he was beginning to hope maybe with time he could. He couldn’t right now, and she deserved more than what he’d given her last time they snogged, more than him freaking out and leaving the next morning, and -- he thought too much?

“Oh...” The quiet moment of understanding was all he had time for before Lucy’s lips were on his, and suddenly all the confusion and turmoil that had been swimming around in his mind vanished. Replaced only by Lucy, by her hand pulling him closer to her and he obeyed easily. One of his hands moved down to her hip, the other gently cupping her cheek as he deepened the kiss without thinking about it because bloody hell, Lucy’s lips against his felt so right and he couldn’t believe he’d even let himself forget that.

Which was stupid, because Lucy wasn’t the kind of person who would hurt him. She was proving that over and over tonight alone, proving it by still standing here talking to him when he knew he was hurting her, knew he wasn’t being fair. Lucy was the kind of person who would take his feelings, take his heart, and protect it. She was the kind of person that could make him happy. And maybe that was what he was afraid of. It had been a long time since Doc was truly happy; he wasn’t sure he knew how to feel it anymore. Wasn’t sure he would ever recover if he found it only to have it taken away again. By something she might do, or something he might do, or most likely by something Death Eaters would do.

“I’m sorry, Lucy,” he told her softly, honestly, his pain evident in his voice. Pain he was certain he deserved. “You’re right. About everything. I’m sorry,” he repeated, because it was the only thing he could think to say. Maybe Lucy was right. Maybe they could both make each other happy. Maybe it would be worth it. But Doc didn’t make split second decisions. He didn’t jump into things without thinking them through first, and the one time he had was what had gotten them into this mess in the first place. Gently he reached out to take her chin in his hand, tilting her head up so she was looking at him again. “Can we….I want to ask you if I can have some time to think, but that’s not fair to you. None of this is fair to you. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy.” A truth that he hadn’t completely realized until the potion pulled it from his lips. And then there was another. “I’m a fucking idiot.”

His apologies didn’t make her feel any better and if it hadn’t been for his tilting her head up she might not have looked back at him. It felt like more of the same until her heart stopped. His words winding around her in that missing beat. I want to make you happy. She wasn’t sure if that was enough to make him crawl out of his own head and stop rebuilding his walls but it was enough for her to stop trying to find a way to say goodbye. “You are an idiot,” she agreed but it wasn’t hurt lacing her voice any more but fondness. Maybe he’d be her idiot. “Promise me something. Don’t avoid me. We won’t talk about this again until you’re ready but don’t avoid me. I’ll try to pretend you’re just like all the others and you can pretend that I’m Rick. I’ll even wear my hideous uniform here if it helps, just don’t avoid me.”

Lucy wanted to kiss his lips but instead settled for brushing his hair off his forehead and letting her fingers linger on his cheek after. She wasn’t sure him batting around if they should be a possibility or not was a good thing. Not with how he’d already admitted being stuck in his head. But they were also both drunk, truth potion aside, that wasn’t the time to be deciding anything.

But here she was, impossibly caring about him despite how hard he was making that for her to do. “I....I promise,” he finally answered, because he owed her that much. And because now that she was close to him again, and by some miracle she wasn’t angry at him, he was realizing he didn’t want to avoid her. “But I don’t think I can pretend you’re Rick. That’d make things very uncomfortable.” He surprised himself when he managed to give her the smallest beginnings of a grin. Never mind that he’d already managed to make things uncomfortable. Lucy’s fingers brushing the hair off his forehead and lingering against his cheek made him forget for a moment that he was still supposed to be uncomfortable. That he was supposed to be scared. This was exactly what had happened that night, too. Lucy was how he’d gotten out of his head. Because how could he think of anything else when she was touching him so gently?

“I really want to kiss you,” he murmured, the words falling past his lips thanks to the truth potion and firewhiskey. He instantly wished he could take them back, if only because he knew it wasn’t fair of him to say that. “I’m sorry,” he added quickly. “That’s not -- that’s not fair to you. I just -- it was out before I could stop it.” Fuck, he really was an idiot.

His words were ironic to her. She’d have thought that it was a good match, he didn’t open up to people and she knew enough so he didn’t have to. Not to mention the fact that he was so brave and daring, fighting Death Eaters on any given night, but afraid of her or his feelings for her. Lucy wanted to think of it as him being afraid to be happy but she wasn’t sure she actually made him happy. In fact she was pretty certain she didn’t.

“I never wanted to be one of your stresses or make you lose control,” she started and then stopped unsure what to say. This really wasn’t about her, even though she was definitely affected. “Don’t make the same mistakes over again. You ended up in that awful situation because you tried to control too much and didn’t open up to anyone about what was happening. I don’t think Tilden or your family will let you but it’s up to you more than them.” This felt an awful lot like giving up except Doc didn’t really give her a choice in the matter. Something that upset her. “I don’t have a say in any of this and that’s not really fair,” hurt lacing her words. “Nothing I say matters. If you were happy this would be easier. But you’re not and I’m not and it’s not fair. You’re being a stubborn git and I can’t even be mad at you for it because you’re not trying to hurt me. Because you want the opposite. Except it feels like you’re using me to hurt yourself. At first I thought it was me you’re punishing but now I dunno, maybe you’re punishing both of us. It certainly feels like that’s what you’re doing.” She should have stopped when she was still thinking only of him because now she just felt selfish and stupid. It was her turn not to be able to look at him this time.

Which was stupid, because Lucy wasn’t the kind of person who would hurt him. She was proving that over and over tonight alone, proving it by still standing here talking to him when he knew he was hurting her, knew he wasn’t being fair. Lucy was the kind of person who would take his feelings, take his heart, and protect it. She was the kind of person that could make him happy. And maybe that was what he was afraid of. It had been a long time since Doc was truly happy; he wasn’t sure he knew how to feel it anymore. Wasn’t sure he would ever recover if he found it only to have it taken away again. By something she might do, or something he might do, or most likely by something Death Eaters would do.

“I’m sorry, Lucy,” he told her softly, honestly, his pain evident in his voice. Pain he was certain he deserved. “You’re right. About everything. I’m sorry,” he repeated, because it was the only thing he could think to say. Maybe Lucy was right. Maybe they could both make each other happy. Maybe it would be worth it. But Doc didn’t make split second decisions. He didn’t jump into things without thinking them through first, and the one time he had was what had gotten them into this mess in the first place. Gently he reached out to take her chin in his hand, tilting her head up so she was looking at him again. “Can we....I want to ask you if I can have some time to think, but that’s not fair to you. None of this is fair to you. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy.” A truth that he hadn’t completely realized until the potion pulled it from his lips. And then there was another. “I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Talk to me. Tell me what it is that’s holding you back. It can’t be just that you think I’ll hurt you because we’re both hurting right now. You said before that I knew too much. Is that because I saw you in your flat like that? Because that’s not all you are, it’s not what I see when I look at you. Yeah you fell but you came back from that. You’re here now, stronger. I can see it, even if you can’t. I see your strength and bravery when I look at you, your kindness and generosity. You’re a great bloke, Doc. And that’s not because you saved my life, twice now. Three times if you wanted to count tonight. I thought that before then, I thought it even before that night in your flat.” Lucy didn’t really know what to say all she knew was that night in the flat seemed to still be with Doc. She couldn’t blame him for that since it had been such a terrible night, even before he’d gotten home.

Except tonight he was far from his best -- and she was still standing there, her hands cupping his face, saying things to him that were far nicer than he deserved, especially after how he’d avoided her the last few weeks. And he couldn’t even write her words off as her being nice, or find some way to twist them into pity. She was being completely truthful, just as he was. So maybe the problem was that he hadn’t chosen to let her in. He’d lost control, at a time when he already felt like he had so little of that left in his life. But that wasn’t Lucy’s fault, and he knew it. Her words echoing through his mind again. I feel like you’re punishing me for caring about you. 

“I...I don’t open up to people, Lucy,” he began quietly, unsure of where he was going. “Even Tilden has to pull things out of me most of the time. But I feel like you’ve seen so much of me without even trying and I...that scares me. A lot. I’m...I don’t want to lose control again.” And there it was. The truth that Doc hadn’t even known for himself, that stemmed from that night Lucy had found him -- but it wasn’t because of Lucy. It was because of him, and he couldn’t look her in the eye anymore. 

“You’re not damaged goods, Doc. If you ever call yourself that again, I’m going to make your next healing session unpleasant,” she told him, her words laced with hurt because it hurt to hear he thought of himself that way. “Life hurts, there’s no hiding from it. Maybe I can shatter you but you could shatter me. It goes both ways.” All that talk about how she could hurt him when he was hurting her felt stupid. “I feel like you’re punishing me for caring about you. For coming to your flat and refusing to let you die. I’m not sorry, I wasn’t then when you were so angry at me about it I was certain you’d never speak to me again and I’m not now when you’re using it to keep your distance from me. I’m only sorry I didn’t do something sooner because I watched that bloke from the football match slip further and further away and I was too timid to stop it until stopping it was the only option. I’m truly sorry for that. I let my feelings for you get in the way of helping you.” She felt guilty about that still. And for not learning her lesson. “I just want you to find reasons to smile again. I want to be one of those reasons. But I want you to be happy more and if you can’t fight your fear of getting hurt by me to allow yourself to be happy with me then so be it. I’m not going to try and change your mind, you’re too stubborn for that.” Lucy cupped his cheeks between her hands trying to get him to look at her, tears in her eyes because Doc had obviously decided against them. “Let someone help you hold on to whatever happiness you can, please.” She felt like he was shattering her and she was giving him her blessing to do it.

And yet still she just wanted him to be happy. Still she only cared about him, offering him an out through tears in her eyes as she pulled his face up to look at her. Doc wanted to reach out and brush away any tears that might fall, but he didn’t feel like he had the right to. Not when it was his fault they were there in the first place. “Lucy...” he began softly, pain evident in his voice. He couldn’t stop one of his hands reaching up to cover hers where it rested on his cheek. “I never wanted to hurt you.” It was the truth, just like everything else they’d both said tonight, but it wasn’t enough. “But I feel like that’s all I can do. I’m not....I don’t know how to get out of my head,” he confessed, his eyes searching hers as if she might be able to offer him a solution. “I don’t know how to just...stop being afraid. But...I’m also not sure I can be happy without you. I know I can’t be happy knowing you’re hurting. Especially not because of me. I’m...I don’t know what to do,” he finally admitted quietly, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had before.