Theatre Struggles

Me on stage: “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.”

Looking back. I realize some mistakes were made by me. Please don’t tell me how much I messed up. I know already. I was too trusting in everyone and myself.

Around this time last year (Jan/Feb 2017), I had submitted a play to the film and theatre directors at the high school. The theatre director wanted to have it as an option for the high school spring play. The film director helped me edit it. (I graduated the year prior and was in college. So, I knew a lot of people in the theatre dept still.) The only problem I saw was me having to listen to my own work. (I can’t do that without it literally causing me so much anxiety to the point of a panic attack.)

Right away I should have known what I was getting into when she said she could pitch the idea. (The student director did the pitching and the drama club picked the show.) I told her I would come in and do it. (I had a diagram of the stage and where sets would go and everything. Fancy.) I wanted to pitch it myself because I literally knew everything about it. (I’m glad I did.)

I’m not going to get into it, but my play won by around 3-5 votes over Almost, Maine.

The student directors, the theatre director, and I met after that meeting. I told her when I was available. (Basically any day that was not Monday or Wednesday, since I wouldn’t be out till 3:30. They wanted practices from 2:15-3:00, which is their 5th block. No after school practices. Half an hour to practice. Brilliant.) She freaking scheduled the auditions for that next Wednesday and practices for M/W.

You’re gonna say that I was the writer, I shouldn’t be involved. I received no payment, she never told me I had to leave. It has my name on it, I’ll make sure it goes well. There was no contract. She couldn’t get mad at me for staying.

I thought it would be good to give back to the theatre that had helped me grow as a person. It would be a learning experience.

Boy. I was in for a ride.

She said she was happy my show got picked, and I quote, “I’m glad they picked your show because we don’t have to pay for it. We can make money.”

So the ONLY REASON it was picked was because it was free. (My friend went through a similar situation, albeit hers was a film. She was not paid for her script and she was a high schooler.) It was gut-wrenching.

The auditions got moved to a Tuesday by chance. (I did talk it over with my band director. She was thrilled, but was sad to say, since I was one of 4 brass players, I couldn’t leave practice. But that didn’t matter anymore.) I was able to go. Good thing I was there. Out of the SEVEN AUDITIONERS, I was the only one who knew/read the show. My friend knew the general plot. Nobody knew ANYTHING until AFTER auditions when I stuttered through the plot. (I was also pretty exhausted because the auditions caused me so much anxiety.)

Anyway, the show starts rolling. Practices were Monday and Tuesday. I begin having panic attacks when I got to practice. This lead to me being anxious every waking hour. It got to the point I didn’t want to go to opening night. (Which I had to fight to make it Thursday night, instead of the night of college graduation, Friday. Which I had to attend for choir. I was going to my own opening/closing night.) I talked to someone and they gave me 3 options:

1.) Leave and never look back. 2.) Take a hiatus. 3.) Everything stays the same.

I took option two.

I told the student directors and cast I was leaving due to health reasons. They all were supportive. (I didn’t tell the actual director because her only responsibilities were to book the theatre and make sure the kids don’t kill each other. She even said it was the student directors in charge. Anyway, I wasn’t a student. She wasn’t in charge of me.)

I came back around two weeks before opening night…. And they are just now getting ready to start blocking ONSTAGE.

The theatre director refused to let them stay after school until this week, they practiced in her classroom. Which, wasn’t big enough.

People blew up. Two people quit. (One came back though.) People didn’t know lines. Seven people were left by the end of practice. It got to the point the show might not happen. One lead pointed at me during notes and said, “Do it for Kristen. It’s her show. She trusts us to do it.” It was so hectic.

I had to write a character out because he got sick and just missed too many practices. (Mind you, it was college final time. I was so close to crying.) People wouldn’t show up. I was doing other’s jobs. Some people didn’t have costumes till a few days before the show. Mic swaps we’re not working out. The theatre director and a student director didn’t like the way I wrote bows (this was written into the script to make it EASIER for them). She made us do it her way. I was standing in for a girl and I legit almost had a panic attack because I was so stressed.

I left practice randomly because it became just too much for me or I would become so uncomfortable. I texted the lady a lot around that time and she helped me control myself. (I would lay on the ground between rehearsals because I was so exhausted.)

Somehow the show came together. I had a final that morning and the show that night.

I decided to write a speech and give it before the show. (Good idea, Kristen.) Actual director was fine with it. Didn’t even care to read it. (It ended up being 2 minutes long and I never got to trial it onstage, even though I was promised it.) I thanked the director once and thanked the lady who kept me in the show multiple times.

I gave my speech before the show and walked backstage, shaking like a leaf. I was accepted with open arms. It finally felt like everything fell into place.

Then, I had to change into all black because the director and a student director refused to bring in a crew because, “The cast can do it.”

One cast member did. I was in it as well as the other student director. The cast member managed to wrangle up 3 more crew members the night before the show.

The entire show the other student director had the mic, doing nothing but talking to her bf. (This student director was the one mentioned above with the bows.) So, we were on our own. I became the stage manager because I knew the script because I FREGGIN WROTE IT. Everyone kept asking me what was going on.

Not to mention, half the sound effects, lighting effects, and props were done/used for the first time THAT NIGHT. So, the crew was flying partially blind.

The one lady who helped me through this entire thing ended up coming. I saw her after the show and I almost cried. (She didn’t know if she could make it or not. She texted me 10 minutes before the show saying she was here for me if I needed it. I didn’t know exactly what that meant.) She made sure that I was okay/made sure I didn’t have a panic attack.

Later on, I heard something from a cast member. This cast member asked the actual director if they should consult me before they made this rash decision. The director said, “Why? She’s not here anyway.” (You’re not even supposed to be a part of the show. I told everyone that I left due to mental health reasons.) It wasn’t until that moment, three months later, that I realized how taken advantage of I was.