Seeing yourself in a monster - "Hikaru" 's thought process about identity.
“But wanting a place to belong? That was selfish of me.“
The summer Hikaru died is a queer youth horror that uses the concept of impurities and monsters to discuss queerness, grief, identity, homophobia, and much more. “Hikaru“ refers to the impurity that has taken over Hikaru’s body to grant the latter’s wish to stay beside his best friend, Yoshiki. As “Hikaru“ lives on as a human, he starts developing feelings, preferences, and an identity of his own - the line between Hikaru’s thoughts and his start becoming blurry.
It’s clear that “Hikaru“ represents a queer person who has come out (the impurity coming down from the mountains) and in the last few episodes of the show, he thinks about going back up so that he wouldn’t cause harm to Yoshiki and everyone else.
As a person who’s had multiple crises about gender, sexuality, and identity in general - I understood the turmoil he felt when Yoshiki and him researched about Nonuki-sama. “Why does he want to know so bad? In the end, I’m a monster, what’s more to say? I am known to cause harm even if I don’t understand how.“ His thought become more reflective of what the village says. That monsters are nothing but harmful. That they have no emotions. That they should never think they can belong. When I was 15, I was ashamed to find out that I’m agender (a person who doesn’t identify as a particular gender). I figured that I would be “difficult“ for people to understand. I believed I wouldn’t be loved easily. I thought, “In the end, they know I’m some weird label that they’ll never care about. Why should I bother explaining myself?“ I called myself a man, and tried fitting into manhood to drive away that shame of being something complicated.
“Maybe if I go back to the mountains, everything will go back to normal again. Nobody would get hurt.“
Shouldering something that is out of your control and blaming it all on yourself was what “Hikaru“ did. Doing something self-sacrificial for something/someone you love so you’ll remain as a savior in their heart and not as a burden (which is the true self) was what I would’ve thought if I was in his place. I often had the tendency to protect other queer people from any kind of bigotry. But it always felt like they wouldn’t have it as hard as me, knowing I sound arrogant when I think of it. “I’ll never understand what you have gone through or how you feel,“ is what I hear from everyone. The words that follow these ones are kind, supportive, and something I will always be grateful for. I can’t say I don’t have anyone who accepts me. In that sense, I had it much better than anyone in the show. But in the end, it was only that. They can’t do more, and they know so. They would never understand. That fact builds up in my chest like fat, and I would be struggling to breathe for the next few minutes.
“Hikaru“ definitely has emotions, goals, and wishes, but he’s unaware because of his rigid mindset that he’ll never belong and that he’s not supposed to. “Hikaru“ ‘s repetition of “I’m a monster after all.“ is something that I’ve also said to myself, in a way. “Difficult“ is what I labelled myself as. I know there are other people like me, and it’s not like I’ll never find love. Maybe love doesn’t need to necessarily come from a romantic partner. But all I wanted was that sweet high-school love, silly crushes, and having that hope that they like you back. For someone like me, that wasn’t plausible.
When I first watched the show, I related to Yoshiki more. I still do, for multiple reasons. But there was one thing I wanted to relate to, which was being a boy. “Hikaru” ’s identity was incomprehensible, while Yoshiki’s was clear cut. He was a homosexual male - easy to understand. Despite being proud of being a queer and understanding all kinds of identities, I didn’t want to be lonely. That internalized shame of being something weird and the fear of not being seen, and therefore loved, took over me. There were people around me who were trans masculine. If I was a trans man too, I’d find a community quickly. - That was what I thought before I came out. It soon ended badly; it didn’t feel right, and the stress of not being “man“ enough for anyone OR myself started affecting my daily life.
A few months after, I was rewatching the show for my English assessment. “Hikaru“ resonated with me in a way I didn’t expect. It was tragic, like I was seeing myself repressing what I haven’t even allowed to discover. After I told 2 or 3 people that I’m agender, I didn’t feel like I was lying through my teeth, which was a first. I started acknowledging what I felt, and that it would be difficult for certain people to understand immediately. For all the queer teenagers, or adults, who are still figuring out, take your time. It’s definitely not easy, and the horrors will come to you at some point. But you’ll endure.
I’ve read all the chapters in the manga up until now, and I wonder what “Hikaru“ will perceive himself in the end. I have some hope that it’ll have a happier ending so let’s see. I have no clue on how to end this article, so this is all of my thoughts in one picture:
