Stay Made of Lightning

It's hard to process what's happened and grasp the gravity of the situation. We grieve people and we also grieve what's lost when they leave. What could have been and what could have changed. Grief is complicated and messy and challenging.

I'm sending my love to everyone. I will forever be so grateful to One Direction and this fandom. When I think back to my years after college, at a time when I was really lost, I found a home with this band and this community. I'm so thankful for that.

Hi, I’m randomly missing 1D today.

Hey guys,

So I’m not really on this blog anymore. Ever, really. As some of you may have noticed.

I’ll be honest, I think I really thought a reunion would have happened by now or a timeframe would be clear now that we’re a few years into it. Maybe I was naive to think that but I really didn’t think it’d be this long, but that’s just me. And while I’m so proud of the OT4 for all they’ve accomplished on their own, that’s not where my interests lie when it comes to my blog.

Real life has also been.....a lot since the hiatus began.  I got a full time job, moved out, had a lot of medical stuff, and just had a pretty big birthday. I am now at the point where I am trying to find ways to make some big changes and start some new chapters in my life.

Maybe making a post like this wasn’t necessary but after all the amazing times I had here, I hated just being so absent without really having closure.  I always said I’d be around whenever the boys come back and I still will be, if and when that happens, just on my own and in my own time.

While I am a busy, stressed out, overwhelmed mess about 90% of the time, I am trying to be present in blogging again but back where my interests have always been - writing about fandom and fan culture.  I do have my personal blog that you can follow (and yes, I won’t ignore it, I’ve become a huge BTS fan and post about them there) and I really am going to try to start writing again over there and build up a presence again.

So yeah, this is kind of coming out of nowhere but I wanted some closure, it felt weird all these months to just be gone without really being gone.

Thank you for being the joy I needed in a dark time. Thank you for being kind and understanding. And thank you for fangirling over the OT4 with me, it was a blast.

Love always,

Anonymous said to the4almighty:Sorry, just saw your other post. Still a bit confused. You already had the surgery? The value one? You didn't wait a week, or have you been gone a week? Sorry, but I'm so lost.

Thank you to these anons for reaching out <3  The procedures I had a few weeks ago were preparation for the Valve replacement I received this past Wednesday.  So I was back in the hospital last week for 2 days to go through the procedure and begin my recovery.  I have been home since and the plan is for me to go back to work tomorrow.

A quick life update for anyone who may be interested:

2 weeks ago I underwent a few cardiac procedures to prepare for a valve replacement. Ever since, my doctors and I have been fighting with insurance who would prefer I have open heart surgery rather than a less invasive procedure.

Thankfully, I finally received insurance approval and in one week I will receive my shiny new valve :)

Please keep thinking those happy and healthy thoughts for me if you can, and thank you for your support <3