Home of Many Minds

I’m Toby, or Tob or Tobes, and this is what I understand to be part of my life at the moment.

Its full name is "Zero to Ten, Null and Void", but prefers to be called one of the four main parts at any time. Zero, or Ten, or Null, or Void. It is very "I'm 14 and this is deep" level of dramatic and dark. It/its pronouns as far as we know, secondary he/him.

Moreover, it's entirely likely that despite having memory of growing up in a certain way, it's entirely possible that I, as Toby, as a trans man... it's possible that I specifically split from a more cohesive piece that was made of me, Ilo, and Milo. Collectively we were Deadname. After the hospitalization, we split and as the host or core or whatever we prefer using for me, I then had the want to transition.

Because to be very honest, while yes the struggle of intense family expectations and failing to meet them was very traumatic, I don't think we fully wanted to be a man before that point in life. Deadname doesn't exist anymore before we three split and I took up the mantle of Core™️. Or rather, it feels more like I was chosen to do so by the others. Maybe.

My point is that I am tasked with being the main front, the core, because that's my job in this system. NOT because I was ever the "original"

There were some gender feelings when I was young for sure, but likely because there are so many differing genders in our system. If Ilo or Milo were chosen as main front instead, I doubt they would have wanted to medically transition at all. They either align decently with the idea of a cis female body and life (Ilo), or they don't care about gender at all because their entire being is made only of sorrow (Milo). They aren't trans men but I am. They NEVER want to front but I do...mostly.

The way our system is separate people but also all the same person...it's almost like all being siblings (though that's not our actual dynamic for the most passer), very alike in many ways due to upbringing but still very different separate individuals on our own...but with some shared communal memories.

I don't want any form of like final fusion or whatever it's called, and I don't think anyone else in this system does either. We want to be able to live together peacefully and have fulfilling lives in whatever non harmful ways that means. Greyson wants to be more social. Noey does as well to an extent but she's much more introverted. Ilo and Milo DO NOT want any of that, they have the system and each other and for the most part that's seems to be enough for them. Others that have never fronted are largely okay with that, and a couple want just a liiiiittle bit of fronting experience whether out of longing or curiosity or whatever.

It's so strange. Berceuse we were operating on the same assumptions that pretty much all of society does, one shattered into many, but it's actually many never having fused into one. The barriers were created as protection before we even became one singular person. And it's so so wild to think about, almost in the same vein as when I think about how long an eternal afterlife would BE and it starts to set in a sense of existential dread...only this whole system thing is way easier to wrap my head around and so it's getting less and less scary as I navigate what it is to BE a system, to BE plural.

If Frelly was For Real Body she would be a half-Saiyan half-humanoid-bird with near perfect control of her throat muscles to change her voice and mimic others. That's her special non-Saiyan power of sound and musicality mixed with the Saiyan ability to Super Ultra Muscles At ALL Times

Noey kins Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon and even has the same birthday as her. She is also a Deer Woman, like the indigenous cryptid(?) who lures in terrible abusive men and then eats them. The duality of the Noey

Idric is also a really great artist! He seems to be able to access more general memory of like everyone and we share the Art Skills bucket lol

milo seems to be feeling more comfortable around everyone in the system, which is such a feat of progress! We're so proud c: they still don't feel really like A Person, and know they'll always have some of that feeling, but they're happy that almost everyone has proven to be a chill person. Tomodachi Life is kinda helping with the idea of being social since there's a mini milo on the island who actually talks to people and it turns out okay c:

Belly's favorite games are Minecraft and Pokemon. He wants to get into Roblox but we're collectively unsure about that kind of decision, at least not without rules for keeping watch.

Ilo still never wants to front again if it can be helped, but between VR and Tomodachi Life, the idea of being social in digital only spaces is becoming a bit more appealing

Noey kins Usagi Tsukino

Greyson kins both Knuckle Bine and Mollymauk Tealeaf

Frelly kins my own OCs, Lock and Lenta

I, Toby, of course kin Link and Kirby lol

Belly did an excellent job at redirecting energy into something positive, playing alongside Azrael for a while and talking as young boys do. The residual euphoric feeling as Belly retreated back to the inner world left Toby feeling a deep pit of sorrow leading to roughly a half hour crying session, stifled sobs and pleading to God.

It was getting to a dangerous point of hyperventilating so I started in to calm the nervous system and do some deep breathing. Greyson is again burnt out and this isn't a task for Belly or Noey, it isn't their job.

So now I'm here at a sort of strange place after rapid switching, the body feeling very weak and shaky from both lack of sleep and lack of food. He severely misses his mom and Florida family as well as feeling incredibly isolated.

Contributing factors:

Insurance somehow has lapsed and Medicaid won't pick up or call back to set it straight.

Mother in law showing increasingly concerning signs of Alzheimer's with typical symptoms of paranoid delusions of people stealing from her and blaming his sister.

Distance from beloved family in Florida and not being able to physically reach them due to said distance, phone calls aren't enough support at the moment.

A friend's hospitalization due to intense back pain and spasms causing a whole text saga about the woes of modern healthcare and the lack of proper etiquette and resources.

His wife having similar problems that Medicaid will not pay to have looked at with proper imaging that at last two doctors have said is needed to determine the source of her severe back pain.

Sister will be moving away before the end of the year and he will essentially lose a piece of his support system and best friend to distance (Florida)

A genuinely fun and pleasant time for Belly transitioning into coming back to a sense of despair and sorrow so great that a rapid switch had to take place for me to step in and take control of the situation.

Overall, it feels like the situation is much more dire than Toby would be willing to admit at an attempt to hold onto some form of hope and sanity. Thankfully because of Belly's presence, and despite the aftermath, he has a small amount of renewed hope that things can turn around, if only for Belly's sake.

I want to make amends with Liam. He's a good guy and he was really in his feelings about all of that so I don't blame him, but also he was intense at both me and my boyfriend about it and even if I don't get an apology I feel like there needs to be a conversation. Cause I apologized so profusely over something that wasn't my fault? Over a misunderstanding of the situation from both ends. I want to bury it and try again to ACTUALLY be friends, not immediate romantic intent.

Grey wants a confrontation. So does milo. I know they're mad that the situation caused pretty severe distress, because that's just how the body reacts to rejection and confrontation. But Liam didn't do anything WRONG there, he just spoke his feelings while they were still raw. He never said anything disparaging about me, he never called me names or anything like that. He just reacted strongly, just like I reacted strongly. We're human.

While I do want to make amends and actually be friends for real, esp since Nina is his friend and really enjoys his company and I did too tbh, I also don't actually know exactly what he said to Sylvan. Idk if he was more mean or not. Cause while Liam is overall kind, I've also witnessed how he can talk to someone when he feels like clapping back. Not at me but he can be mean if he wants to.

But he really just didn't get to actually know me. All of us being neurospicy, sometimes we will infodump and commiserate immediately but not ask what's your favorite color or something, you know? And he didn't actually get to know me.

On top of that, meeting at a very stressful and lonely time in life probably had a kind of trauma bond effect? Idk I'm not a professional, but having mental issues in front of someone else I don't know that well yet? And him being so kind and comforting though dissociation and switching? Honestly it was the first time anyone saw us so vulnerable wrt actually witnessing switching in real time. That's honestly what has really gotten me when I was crushing on him.

Being gentle and kind is great, but someone could do that just as a friend too, and though I thought we were friends, he was in pursuit of something different. And I just kinda froze up about it. It was similar to when I first started dating Kanon, with feeling actively pursued, but Kanon was more patient I think. Kanon also felt that she had competition (cause others were asking me out), but I wasn't ever interested in those other guys. Whereas this time around, I was interested in both the guys who told me their feelings for me. It's a huge difference and brand new territory.

I initially didn't fully want to say anything to either of them cause I'm severely avoidant and wasn't sure at all if I was going to go ahead and take my first real steps into polyamory or not, but something about being more social recently and making friends and assessing just how happy they made me just to be around them pushed me to make the decision to tell them both how I feel as well.

On one side, it went swimmingly! I have a boyfriend! Sylvan has been me friend since last year and at this point we know we have so much in common and I already had started the "is this a friendship crush or a crush crush?" dilemma months ago, so I was incredibly surprised to hear that he liked me too? And now I can just say Yes I Feel The Same?? Wow imagine the feeling cause I was so emotional??????? In a good way where it was overwhelming and explosive in my heart and almost scary tbh but I worked up the courage to message them both and Sylvan was so excited!

On the other end, Liam's expectations were shattered. He read my freezing up at positive attention as being aloof about it. He didn't know I have no experience with romantic entanglement and how to play the game. He didn't know me well enough to know that I'm emotionally unwell and have severe issues actually saying what I feel, to ANYONE. Especially with my actual physical voice. My voice seizes in my throat and I have to find something else that my mouth will even allow me to say. Because I'm scared.

But even so, his expectations ended up causing my words to hut him, and his hurt then hurt me. I fully took on the blame. It was the "because I'm the older one" thing again. The same thing that caused me to sit complicit in my own abuse from ex-friend whose name I never use anymore.

Because I'm older. I should know better. I should be able to handle it. I should be more mature. I should I should I should. All these expectations all the time. I'm sick of it.

He didn't mean to lash out. He didn't know my past. He didn't know my triggers. He was too ignorant of who I really am overall. I'm not mad about any of that. In fact I miss his presence.

Sylvan got to know ME. We're almost twins the way we act around each other. He didn't come on strong from day one and he really truly became my FRIEND first. There's nothing I treasure more than my friends. Kanon is my friend, Nina is my friend, they're the closest people to me ever in all of existence. Sylvan became my friend FIRST and I don't think anyone really has a grasp on how severely important that is to me. How very severely treasured he is for just existing? Understanding? Just playing for the sake of playing? I love him??

I'm crying lol

I think I kinda figured some things out but other things I'm still like trying to process. Somehow typing all this out like this shoved me back into my body. I'm feeling a bit better, and I think I have to fight through the fear and get done what I have to do. Maybe I might be wrong but I feel like a confrontation still needs to happen.

An updated head count of all the inner roommates c:

I (Toby) have many personas and I'm really vibing with Toast rn so he's my own rep.

Top to bottom, left to right:

Toast (me) || Noey

Greyson || Frelly

Oracle || Belly

ilo || milo

Idric || Oliver

And you, you're in your late 20's shouldn't YOU know your own damn self in fucking REGARDS to whether or not you're into polyamory or not? Oh huh you're just figuring that shit out RIGHT NOW? OH WHAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE. IT'S SO GREAT TO BE TOLD YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE FIGURING SHIT OUT, ISN'T IT. I can't fucking believe I fronted in front of you. I can't fucking BELIEVE I ALLOWED us to be in that kind of danger you MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE. You think you're the only fucking victim in this? Yeah Toby freaked the fuck out because how would he not? He's scared ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. You told him we were SAFE WITH YOU. That includes emotional safety you goddamn fucking moron you PIECE OF SHIT. He's not gonna tell you this shit cause he's used to being walked all over. He got SCARED dipshit and he said some things he apparently shouldn't have yeah I get that but how in the fuck is you bringing it back up not the GODDAMN SAME THING that you told him not to do in the first place? He said that shit cause his scared little heart told him he had to say it or he was gonna lose you forever you absolute fucking idiot shithead FUCK!

In fact /I/ wanted to say this shit to your goddamn face but you know who's stopping me from doing that from the dark depths he crawled into out of shame and guilt? FUCKING TOBY. This is not a one side to blame situation, you fucking led him on with all that oh maybe I could date a polyamorous guy oh this guy is so cute oh I have a crush on you BUT WAIT if it's more than just his wife then it's no deal but I'm not going to SAY that until AFTER TWO WHOLE PEOPLE CONFESSED TO HIM and THEN and only then an I going to say "I promised myself no more than two" WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DATING HIS WIFE FUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS!

Maybe I'm just not the right age to know better seeing as I'm ONLY 26, right? If Toby is old enough to "know better" then I'm too young to know jack shit and fuck all, right? I'm too young of a grown ass adult to see from your limited perspective of what being a grown ass adult is SUPPOSED to entail. Not a single one of us has experienced hookup culture or bdsm clubs or moving that quickly or the highs and lows of intense infatuation he fucking FROZE my guy he wasn't being indifferent HE WAS BEING SCARED. HE WAS BEING FUCKING SCARED do you have ANY idea the kind of work it takes for someone like HIM to be so open so fast?

And you know the fuck what? The other guy that you immediately saw as a rival? They've known each other for MONTHS. It took that long to really get used to the idea of the fact that he was ALREADY DATING HIS WIFE. MONTHS. You expected something after three goddamn weeks? WEEKS???? It took M O N T H S of knowing the other guy before that little butterfly feeling developed and he told EVERYONE in the system to shut the fuck up about it cause he doesn't DO confessions! Unless the other party expresses interest this man is a solid fucking steel wall of JUST BE FRIENDS from birth till death because HE'S FUCKING SCARED you BITCH. You fucking CUNT. People don't know I'm actually the angry one cause I HAVE to be! I HAVE to have our best interest in mind and you fucking TRAMPLED on that! You're old enough to know better than to lead an emotionally stunted autistic man on and then go oh damn actually I'm monogamous well shoot heck FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AGAIN. Stupid bitch. Stupid dumbass British ass BITCH. And you know what Toby's gonna be pissed at me again but also I don't fuckin care. I do not care I don't give a FUCK cause what you did was scummy as shit when all he wanted was companionship and THOUGHT you were so kind and funny and blah blah other bullshit and then you pull this shit THIS IS STAYING ON THE BLOG. In have a RIGHT to post how I feel on this blog the same as anyone else in this goddamn system and no one is allowed to delete it do you fucking hear me? To everyone in here who wants to delete or redact or whatever you are NOT TO TOUCH THIS FUCKING POST. This is a warning for the fucking future you do NOT want a repeat of this EVER. Remember the fucking pain this asshole caused. Why even be his friend anymore what's the fucking purpose. You didn't see how absolutely triggered he got just seeing that fucking avatar. Actually physically shaking and crying and belittling himself over a fucking heated moment that didn't even have anything to do with gamer slurs or hate, no actually it was all love! I get it I get that doesn't make it okay cause YOU read the signals wrong so it ended up hurting you but where is the empathy for someone whose so fucking scared of forming new relationships of any kind being hesitant and quiet, THAT'S WHO HE FUCKING IS.

It's so SO clear that you didn't even know him well enough as "just a friend" to enter into a romantic relationship anyway. What friendship was there? A few weeks? And /HE/ is the one that has to "EARN" you back? YOU took the initiative, YOU started the friendship, YOU complimented him, YOU flirted at him, YOU took his caution for indifference, YOU caused him to panic and freak out, YOU FUCKING DID THIS.

I'm severely slow to fully warm up to people. Like snails pace esp wrt romantic feelings. I need to know someone for MONTHS before I can really be comfortable enough to engage in any kind of more vulnerable or intimate talk in general. What I consider vulnerable and intimate might differ to other people, idk, but it takes a lot of time and courage.

I fluster easily and never know how to respond or reciprocate. Every word catches in my throat and I overanalyze every thought that crosses my mind and talk myself out of ever saying anything in the first place. And I can fully understand that for some people, that's just way too slow. It's way too long and way too much waiting. And that's fair.

I wasn't aware enough, or fast enough, or too closed off? All three? I didn't see any of it. Then of course when I thought I was "in trouble", feeling like I was in danger of losing someone I really care about, I just...dumped everything on him. Released the floodgates like that would fix the problem. It was never going to fix anything, the moment has passed. I don't know what I was thinking? Or rather I straight us just wasn't.

I got so caught up in the feel good thing and then the can't figure out how to respond thing and then the oh no I fucked up big time thing. And now I'm being stupid and dumb and pulling all my attention away from vrc all together in hopes that I can just disappear into a hole in the earth forever and everyone forgets about me.

Ugh. That's not entirely true. I made some really good friends, and have a boyfriend now? Which is still taking a really long time to actually settle into my mind what with all the recent turmoil. To the point that I'm really scared that I just jumped into it because I was so into the idea of having a boyfriend or being a boyfriend for the sake of like ?? attention? Extreme feelings from wanting to be close to more people? I can do that with friendship tho??? But it's still nice and makes some part of me happy ???????? Is that not a good thing ????????????

I'm. Jumbled. I'm really really jumbled up rn. I don't know what to make of it and I don't know if I'm being way too hasty in everything? If it's just my insecurity talking now, or I'm having a break from reality?? I don't know what's happening tbh cause one second I was ecstatic at the idea of having one, maybe two boyfriends, and the next I've really hurt one of them emotionally and I really really did like him a lot, but maybe it was just the high of being seen?

I don't know I don't knoooooow. I still want to crawl into a ditch and die. On top of my brain going haywire all the time in other aspects too I'm just. I don't want him to be upset. I hate this I didn't want to upset him! I just wanted to hash it out and thought explaining would be the thing that works.

I guess I just fucked up. I fumbled big time and even if he really is monogamous I feel like I completely flubbed everything. Dropped the ball, jumped the gun, other metaphors. Idk. Idkidkidkidk!! I don't fucking know!!!

I know there were issues of expectation vs communication. I know that what he wanted and where I was/am didn't align. His peace too fast for me and mine too slow for him.

It still hurts. It hurts that I hurt him, and it hurts that I miss him, and it hurts that I feel like even if he says we're good that I've irreparably damaged our friendship.

Maybe I'm losing steam in my vrc hyperfixation, which might be somewhat good cause maybe I'll actually remember to eat sometimes.

But maybe also I don't want to lose steam on it cause it's what's holding my sanity together by one singular molecule...

Toby || Noey

Greyson || Oracle

Frelly || Belly

ilo || milo

Idric || Ollie