The How-To Issue

by Alison Barker

Do you suffer from any of the following existential anxieties regarding Facebook?

Endless agonizing over the parameters of the concept of “friend”

Revisionist hesitation about whether or not you “like” something

Rhetorical protocols that shift like stretched out elastic on a fat man’s sweatpants

Despair no more! Endeavor to complete the Facebook Cleanse:

1.     Each week for four weeks, de-friend twenty percent of your friend list. Then, friend request each of them. Repeat. Whoever is still playing the game at the end of the month wins your continued Facebook friendship. They are idiots!

2.     Ask for homeopathic remedies for embarrassing maladies and tag several people, indicating that they have solid expertise. Which they probably do.

3.     Write really upbeat posts in the mornings, and super-grim posts in the evenings. Refuse to respond to any queries re: your mental health. Change your religion and relationship status every other day. On every third day, write only one status update: I feel so lonely. Is anyone out there? Or, post a photo of a baby animal and a quote from a Buddhist thinker. Ignore any and all responses. God.

4.     Make a sad face L on someone’s baby bump photo, and post a link to infant mortality rates. Freedom of information.

5.     Each week, pick ten Facebook friends you never talk to. These are your “spotlight” connections. Every day, comb their timelines for significant personal information. Click “like” on really old updates. Download Farmville and ask them to play every day. Cater your posts to their political, career and recreational interests and tag them in phone photos of inanimate objects that are somehow related to said interests—then send them private messages that ask if they could respect your privacy, and that you think they have boundary issues. Include the Amazon link to Codependency No More in your message. Boundaries are in the eye of the beholder.

If these seem extreme, they are. You see, you suffer from a cerebral overextension of intention discernment, or COID, and the Facebook Cleanse is designed to banish COID’s overthinking and keep you operating in a do-now world of action, which is how you will stay assimilated in our social media culture. You want to stay assimilated.

After a month of following these five tasks, you will clear out segments of your Facebook population, thus presenting you with more surmountable, tangible problems, which can be addressed by a do-now list, like “I don’t have any Facebook friends” “I will friend request someone” and “I am so mad at so and so for defriending me” “I will post something mean on her friend’s wall”—these problems are much preferable to the vague, unanswerable maladies of COID, like why would Sara Owens show me the picture of herself giving birth in a kiddie pool in her wood paneled basement if she snubbed me at the reunion happy hour? But if you defriend Sara Owens, and then friend request her, you are the man in the arena; the dust and sweat. You are engaging. Plus, you will get attention.

And that’s what we are moving towards in this digital age; engagement. I mean, attention. Attention engagement. Do-now. Assimilation.

By Tania Zarak

For George.

The night of September 8 was hands down one of the worst nights of my life. I had gone to Mexico to visit my family yet, back in New York, my relationship with my live-in boyfriend was on its last legs. I had been hesitant to travel at all. But I did, hopeful that nothing major would happen in a week.

I got very anxious as soon as I left New York. I was crying nonstop, as if unknowingly “mourning” my relationship from afar. I chose to fly back a day early and called my boyfriend from the plane. He was home. I asked if everything was OK and he answered, “Yes, I’m just tired.” Still uneasy, I believed him. I landed at JFK five hours later and promptly everything started to go wrong: what seemed to be the largest 757 in the world arrived from Turkey minutes before us, hence the lines at Customs were biblical; my bags took ages to come out; outside, it was raining cats and dogs.

A car service driver was waiting for me at the gate with a big yellow sign that said my name. He was a tall, confident, slim black man. He greeted me with his head and led me to the car. I began to cry, again. We took off. The traffic was a nightmare. We were at a complete standstill on the highway when I got a text from my boyfriend that read:

“I hope that you arrived back safely… I will call you tomorrow to talk and clarify everything… I am staying at my new place.”

“At my new place?” I gagged. I called him but he would only reply to texts. To make things worse, the cars were still not moving. I was in the midst of having a full-out panic attack when, with a voice that cracked the storm, my driver asked: “Are you OK, miss?” I explained. He then began to speak with a firm, soothing tone. He tried to distract me and kept reminding me that everything was going to be all right, that I was a beautiful, young woman and that I would be OK; he was sure of this. He repeated things to me almost melodically and never took his eyes off me through the rear-view mirror.

As we arrived to my apartment he got out of the car, grabbed my luggage, opened my door and took me from the shoulders, like a little rag doll. I was weeping and it was still raining hard. “Listen to me,” he said as he shook all 5 feet of me, “you are going to be fine. Do you understand? Trust me.” He hugged me tight, waited until I was inside the building and drove away. I’m not sure I believe in angels but an angel got me home that night. He was a man waiting for me at a gate! I never saw him again… His name was George.

So, in order to spot angels in disguise, remember:

Angels come in all shapes and sizes and they can be male or female.

It doesn’t matter if you believe in them or if you don’t recognize the encounter right away. You might get it days, weeks, months, maybe years after it happens.

Angels are sly, mysterious beings who oftentimes work behind-the-scenes. They can do big things and little things so their importance must never be underestimated.

Angels will identify you, mostly when you are in distress or feel abandoned. The next person that randomly offers a helping hand amidst others who are either indifferent or against you, might very much so be angel on assignment to you.

Maybe the guy at work that is so annoyingly competitive is an angel. Maybe the lady that told you that thing you didn’t want to hear about yourself and was a catalyst for change was an angel. Maybe an angel slammed a door and opened another. Maybe that kid that smiled at you in the subway was an angel.

Here's a trick to help you determine if you have been visited: add the result of the contact to the phrase "Had it not been for..." For example: "Had it not been for stopping to help a stranger with directions, I would have been standing precisely where the car jumped the curb!"

Realize that you are an angel. Believe in your creative abilities and overcome your fear to show yourself. Recognizing goodness and gratitude has a very positive impact on our lives. When you pay it forward, you will also now know the joy you have given someone else.

Be attentive of this. Check if you are really open to what the universe wants to give you, to all the love that is out there for you. As long as you don’t say ‘yes’ to what the universe wants to send your way, you have not truly said ‘yes’ to yourself. Say a loud and loving yes to yourself, to all of you. Accepting the flow of receiving in your life will then become natural for you.

by Nicole Spiridakis

Wake up at 5:30 a.m. and drive from sea level to 8000+ feet in four hours (read: San Francisco to Yosemite National Park), thus ensuring that slight loopiness altitude can engender. Pick up a trail permit from the ranger station and joke with the ranger manning the desk; she will be the same one you encountered last year, and, while in a better mood, still will not give you any guidance on plotting a route. Fortunately you are prepared for this and already have a route in mind. Decide to enter at May Lake and hike about 6 miles that first day.

Go through the inevitable discard-and-pack at the trailhead, throwing noodle soup packets (not filling enough), a jar of peanut butter (too goopy), a few pieces of fruit (too heavy) into the bear bin. Bid civilization (and your car) à bientôt for a days. Remind yourself how lucky you are.

Hike. Hike hike hike. Feel slightly nauseous from altitude; filter water from a stream; realize you forgot your book and cry for about 10 minutes. Then. Cook dinner. Sleep with a full moon beaming through your tent and the trees pitching and swaying around you. Listen to the wind through the trees and brace for bears. Wake up to full sun.

The next day, plot a course. Try to find the path but ... can't. You're lost.  Instead, you pick your way over boulders and through stream beds and over rocks and stumble along til you know you're lost but also know ... it doesn't matter. The earth abides. You will catch up with the trail eventually. (And you do, but in the meantime, you make your peace. Some of us can do this more easily than others. Ahem.)

Then: You listen to the water burbling across the rocks you just clambered over. You let the quiet simmer and settle. You remind yourself that once upon a time you knew how to sit, and stay!, and watch the sun dip low over the mountains, that books are not relevant here. (Though, let's be honest, you still wish you had one and would have hiked on to a high sierra camp store in hopes of buying one until you came to your senses and decided that last mile uphill with the promise no water meant it wasn't worth it.)

So you hike. And swim in a mountain lake. And sit. Oh, how you sit. In the morning, with black coffee. In the afternoon, with filtered water. In the evening, around a fire with green tea. The trees are electrified with light, with rain, with the wind. You don't care about your city - your sweet city, San Francisco, which is the only city  you could ever settle in, you don't even think of it  - or work, or life, or anything outside of it; there is just now. Here. You are lost in the best sense of the world; does anyone else know that camp in the meadow?

It’s difficult to do justice to Yosemite through words though you can try — the waterfalls, especially after an enormous snow fall and long spring, spill over in a mad torrent, crashing down into the valley and roaring in a blur of white and green past hikers toiling up alongside. The mountains stand as they have for centuries: still, tipped with gold at certain moments of the day, and almost too perfect to be real. In the back country little streams rush and hum, ferns droop low to touch the water, mosquitoes linger too long and will not depart even when swatted-at. Almost everywhere you turn there is a surprise: a bear sticking its nose into Lukens Lake, a shooting star falling through a Pleiades-flecked sky, the faint sweetness of smoke from a forest wildfire drifting through the air, the bluest afternoon sky at the base of Half Dome, the cleanest, whitest-gold sun.

by Night Song

After waking up, smile and relax.

Either stay in bed or get up and sit.

It can be helpful to count breaths or recite a mindfulness poem.

Some days a wonderful peace and calm will settle, and other days there will be anxiety and even rage. It will feel necessary to abandon meditation and listen to “Democracy Now,” answer e-mail, or begin reading the Harvard Classics. Steady breathing and sitting, or slow walking can help. Walking can be either around the house or the block.

Chopping wood can be beneficial (especially for those with a woodstove or fireplace).

If the day starts to go south, stopping before a willow tree, bed of daisies, cloud, or puddle and breathing deeply can arrest the spiral.

Just one mindful breath can turn the day around.

When strong and painful emotions come up, it can be wonderful to be with others who practice mindfulness and allow their kindness, openness, and commitment help us return to ourselves, to a place of calm and insight. Bodies of water, cats, horses, tall grass or corn, mountains, rocks, cedars etc. can also act as these others.

If alone when strong emotions arise, it can be useful to breathe deeply and slowly, take a bath, lie down, go for a run, or embark on creating a comic or poem. The main and difficult practice is to accept and respect these emotions, not run from them, eventually coming to understand the root belief: I am alone in the world, I am unworthy, I am better than others, and so forth.

Saying to ourselves: “May I (or insert a name) be healthy, safe, peaceful, live with ease” can be healing and slowly shift difficult relationships. It’s also calming.

by Heather Lefebvre

Once, I had a writing teacher that told me I should write every day regardless of what was going on in my life. ”I don’t care if your mother dies,” she said, “you write through it.”

“Oh. Oh. Okay.”

And then I graduated, got super depressed, and forgot all about her advice.

*     *     *

The first step is to try not to feel bad about feeling bad. This is near-impossible at times –– most of the time. Goes without saying that it can be really fucking difficult, in a culture that perpetuates the idea that the disenfranchised are lazy, greedy assholes and hard workers are successes, to accept that sometimes bad things just happen and you fall into a depression deep enough it seems like you can’t dig yourself out. Allow yourself the leeway to feel bad without labeling yourself pathetic or a failure or weak or hypersensitive or etc. etc. etc. because of it. Feelings aren’t rational or moral. They aren’t indicative of something innately wrong with you. They just are.

If you start to feel bad about feeling bad, and you’re driving a car, pull over and wait. Tell yourself that some days suck, period; you can feel better; you will feel better, at some point. Wait until you finish crying and hiccuping. Sit on the shoulder. Turn off the radio; brightly colorful music can make one just as heartbroken, sometimes, as sad songs, and eventually you will have to continue driving somewhere. Think of where you want to go. Think of how you will get there.

Try not to punish yourself for being you. Say, if you’re sad and only feel in control by skipping meals, make yourself eat. Even if it repulses you as you’re doing it. Even if eating makes you feel sick. You’ll get sicker if you don’t. This will be hard; I’m sorry.

Talk to your friends. Start here. Sometimes it’s easier than talking to family.

If you have the kind of family environment where this seems doable, talk to your family about how you feel.

Write like a motherfucker. (Or draw, compose, make YouTube supercut videos –– whatever artistic outlet you have. If you don’t have one, please try to find one. Create something.)

Some of what you create will be amazing. Some of what you create will be shit. This is totally okay. In fact, it’s the case most of the time. We all have shitty patches.

What are you afraid of? Make a list. Put it on the wall where you can see it. Stare it the fuck down.

Watch “How to Be Alone.” When this went viral I watched it enough times for it to sink into my pores. The poem’s transcribed on my wall. It helped.

What do you want? What do you want to do? Make another list. Put it next to the other one. How many of the things you want are you not pursuing due to fear?

Roll around on your friends’ floors/couches/beds and cry.

Find a therapist in your area, if you can’t dig yourself out. Or even if you’re making small scoops, little indents in the side of the hole wall with a soupspoon. No human is an island.

When you’re at a point where you don’t feel terrible every day, maybe only once a week –– or once every two weeks, or a month, or two months –– when you’re a point to engage again with the world, almost, maybe, mostly –– reread the list from Step 10. Pick something you want and make yourself do it, even though it might still be scary. You can’t be the type of person who does such-and-such unless you just do such-and-such.

from the story of story

i’ve gotten some requests asking me to outline exactly how i stripped my way cross country. today i received a very compelling email asking for some tips and tricks. though all my techniques are buried in the depths of the last several years of this blog i will outline them as simply as i can now. this post will not detail HOW TO BE A STRIPPER, there is plenty of material and opinions floating around the ether webs about how to shave your pussy, point your toes and move slowly as well as conversation techniques to sell lapdances. this post is about the finer details of travel stripping.

1. pick your town – probably it’ll be the one you end up in.

2. call all the local strip clubs and try to find out if they will accept a travel girl, when you can audition and any local rules. some states require that you register with local government agencies. i never worked at those clubs. understand if you need to have a specific type of underwear (some clubs don’t allow g strings, etc).

2a. literally i called and this is what i said, “hi i’m a traveling dancer and i’m coming through town for several days and hoping to audition for your club. do you accept traveling girls?” besides no-answer calls, i never got turned down though i’m sure had i tried in certain stripper-saturated cities i might have been turned down more. if possible call a week ahead of time. due to the way i travel this was rarely possible and i often called the night before and/or the day of and was still able to work.

2a. if you can’t get a hold of any managers through phonecalls, go to the club and ask during their open hours. i only did this once.  i was able to reach the club by phone every other time.

2b. you can track down the numbers for local strip clubs using yelp or stripclublist.com. i often will use a large mile radius variable to see where in the state i can find clubs.

note: i usually chose to dance in smaller towns because there was usually a more relaxed and free flow hiring process. be prepared to show your driver’s license and/or tits and/or on-stage dancing techniques. if a manager asks for you to show him your lapdancing skills, feel free to say no and/or leave.

3. be quiet, be respectful, be prepared. every stripper knows that walking into a dressing room situation cold, is not the most comfortable experience. introduce yourself. smile. come prepared with all sorts of stripper things so that when a girl asks if anyone has scissors to cut off her tag you can help out. don’t ask for their help. the first night can be a little rough as you feel out the personalities in the room – when in doubt mind your own business, don’t get involved in local drama, don’t get drunk, defer to local girls even if they’re being slightly outrageous. you’re on their turf.

3a. being prepared includes bringing an ipod and/or cd’s with the music you like, if at all possible. some of the smaller clubs i worked at didn’t provide music for afternoon shifts.

4. remind the manager/house mom/dj etc that you have never worked in this state and all states do things differently. ask for an explanation of rates, dance areas, local rules, club customs, tip-out expectations, etc. asking smart questions will gain you respect.

5. i always made enough to pay my stage fee but had i not, i would have told the manager that i didn’t have cash on me and bailed. fuck a club where you can’t make stage fee and try another.

By Caroline Holmes

1. Get rid of any previous notion of what fashion is. Fashion is not scary. It will not point fingers at you and laugh if you do not know who Alexander McQueen is. People who you should avoid will do that, but not fashion. It will not affect your independence, or suggest that you are any less equal or intelligent as your peers and coworkers. It does not make you an airhead. It is not anorexia or throwing money away to look cool.

2. Accept that your thoughts about fashion are unique This also stands for everyone else. You will meet people who make Walmart clothing look like a fashion editorial, you will meet people who spend thousands of dollars on Chanel everything. You will meet people who want to wear sweatpants to Starbucks, and people who love green dyed hair. None of their preferences are there for you to sneer at, and no one has the right to disagree with you. There may be a time and place to wear certain outfits (black tie events, nudist beaches, etc.), but for the most part, what you wear is your choice and yours only.

3. Find stores and blogs for you to follow The best way to make fashion not seem like a scary cult is to, well, join a scary sub-cult. For whatever you like, I swear on my life there are hundreds, if not thousands, writing about it. You favorite store may have a blog, and from there they might link to other blogs, and others. Google things. Look around. Find people who inspire you and stores whose clothing describes your whole personality.

4. Keep track Start your own blog. Create a Pinterest. Print out photos and post them on your wall. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. No one can tell you how to run these things, do it for yourself. You can write about what you wear day to day. Write about new lines from designers you love. Just post pictures. However you want to keep track of the things you like. 

5. Remember you do not have to spend any money to enjoy fashion Fashion is an art. You may like Van Gogh, but that does not mean you have to go try to buy the original Starry Night. I doubt you even could. The same goes for fashion. Not everything has to be the real thing. Knock-offs get a bad rep, but not everyone can own a closet straight out of New York Fashion Week. There may be times that you will want to splurge on a designer piece, and you should every once and a while, but even the top names in the fashion industry know number 6, which is:

6. A good wardrobe and outfit is a mix of high and low Now what that means is that your wardrobe does not need to be all designer names, but nor should it be everything from the clearance rack -- unless it is all designer pieces from the TJMaxx clearance rack in which case, you're amazing and really do not really need to be reading this. A lot of the things you own will not be designer name. This is okay. Things that are unique and will not be worn often do not need to be top of the line quality. You should still aim to buy good quality in everything, but that patterned blazer will probably only be in style for 3 years max, so it does not need to last 10. Likewise, that  black dress that you will probably wear at every other formal event will occupy a place in your closet for a while, and spending more to have one that lasts longer is not a bad idea. 

And last but not least...

by Melisa Wells

I didn’t want to write a post that included advice on the college search without adding another one on college scholarships. Again, I’m no expert: I’m just a mom of two teenagers who does a lot of research and keeps her eyes open. That said, maybe you are looking for ways to make college less expensive and can use any help you can get. So there we are.

In no particular order, here are some tips on finding money for school:

Check your high school’s website. Our high school has a really great website and part of it contains everything you would want to know about locally-based scholarships like those given by the Junior Women’s Club, the city’s police department, and other local entities. All of the prerequisites, entry dates, and other details for multiple scholarships being in one place is a huge time-saver.

Sign up for scholarship websites. There are a few good websites out there that will find college scholarships FOR you once you register and fill out a lengthy profile which includes all kinds of things from your religion to whether there are veterans in the family to all kinds of other things. The more information you can provide, the more scholarship possibilities you can end up with. These sites will provide all of the information you need to decide if each scholarship is a fit for you, and you will be able to click the hot links to get to the scholarships’ sites directly from there. You can also keep track of which scholarships you’ve discarded and which you’ve applied for. Here are a couple of websites we’ve used, and FYI I have no affiliation with any of them: FastWeb, Big Future Scholarship Search by the College Board, and our FAVORITE due to its user-friendliness and fun design, Zinch.

Check the scholarships offered by colleges themselves. Colleges do offer scholarships to prospective (and current, and transfer) students. Check with the financial aid office to get more information. As I mentioned in my last post, private colleges offer all kinds of scholarships that can bring the total cost of attending down to that of a public university. Look for merit scholarships, which are based on high school grades and ACT/SAT test scores as well as scholarships for students who excel that can be won by having a stellar school and extracurricular record and then interviewing with college staff. Other scholarships which can be found via a prospective college involve the kind that are won by auditioning (as in the case of music and art), trying out (sports) and testing (foreign languages and math). Beyond those, colleges sometimes also offer scholarships that are for local high school students, relatives of alumni, residents of that city, and a myriad of other categories.

Use Google. I knew, once D was on his way to becoming an Eagle Scout, that there had to be a scholarship out there for Jewish Eagle Scouts. I Googled “Jewish Eagle Scout Scholarships” and found two! Google knows just about everything. Take the PSAT to qualify for a National Merit Scholarship. Hat tip to Mrs. 4444 on this one because I forgot all about it: by taking the PSAT NO LATER THAN JUNIOR YEAR, students can qualify for this scholarship program. Read more about it here. Missed the test junior year? You’re out of luck.

Check with your employer. Sometimes large companies offer college scholarships to the children of employees. It’s worth checking!

by Sam Howard

by Michelle Prather

I’ve been dealing with withering ego syndrome for what feels like the past decade. I believed I was well on my way to the land of big dreams and notoriety when I landed a magazine job fresh out of college. Sure, it was a California-based business magazine—not some New York glossy or esteemed literary quarterly, but I imagined it was only the beginning. It was also leaps and bounds beyond what my circle of friends were doing at the time; and let’s face it, it feels pretty good to be ahead in the game of life, even if those feelings of glory rely upon the lesser fortune of those closest to you. Long story short: It all went downhill from there. I’m not a critically acclaimed journalist, but following a rather short string of long-term, unglamorous editorial jobs, I’m a sometimes-write and edit-from-home mother. I haven’t contributed to a 401K in eons; and all those people I felt superior to early in my career? They’re now professors, entrepreneurs, activists, and all-around wonderful people. Am I envious? Not really. I’ve made it my life’s work to avoid envy at all costs. Here’s my strategy:

1. Make a list of every high point and/or accomplishment and frame it. I say everything went downhill after the magazine job, but it didn’t. I’ve found my comfort zone in inching along the career trajectory laterally, but there have been instances of success, both personal and professional, that someone else may very well feel envious of. Remember that what you consider a trivial moment or fleeting triumph may be someone else’s goal, which means that perhaps you’re undervaluing what you’ve done. That said, whether or not an accomplishment is worthwhile shouldn’t hinge on the praise it receives or if it’s made someone else secretly jealous. Instead of basing your merit on the reception of others, challenge yourself to create a self-rating system based solely on your life, abilities, and expectations—not the world at large, and certainly not on your friends’ accomplishments. Analyzing your peers as a source of motivation is great, but doing the “Why them and not me?” thing doesn’t help anyone. It belittles the meaning of friendship, sours relationships, and misdirects your focus.

2. Catch others being envious. It often seems as though envy makes the world go round. It’s why pecuniary emulation (“Keeping up with the Joneses”) exists and why men and women alike over-exercise and starve themselves silly to fit a Photoshopped ideal. In effort to reduce your own envy, note the envy-laden comments you hear on a daily basis. You may have a friend with two houses, ins to all the happening things around town, and serious good looks, but his best friend is in a band, and because your friend isn’t his jealousy is palatable. Or maybe your sister out-careered you long ago, but you have one little accolade that she doesn’t have, and damn it, she’s not going to rest until she has that under her belt too. When you really observe it in action the caustic properties of envy come to light. Oftentimes, it’s more evident in the realm of the haves—people who just can’t get enough success or pats on the back—than the have nots. The line between envy and ambition is blurry, I suppose. But the character of an ambitious person fueled by envy and an ambitious person propelled by outdoing himself or herself is glaringly different.

3. Redirect and deflect envy. No matter how many times you call yourself on it, or meditate, or whatever you do to keep the green-eyed monster in check, envy is intent on sticking around. But even in mild, harmless cases, it’s worth trying to redirect feelings of not being good enough/not having enough into something more productive. The next time you feel like you’re stuck on the bench seat on the most marvelous carousel ride, take some spirit-boosting measures to shut down the bitterness. Go on a compliment rampage, where you literally or virtually high five anyone and everyone you know doing something cool. And do it with sincerity by actually studying whatever it is they’re up to and noting what’s special about it. It’s much harder to feel resentful when someone has truly put in a lot of effort, did something inspired, or is such a good person that he or she is completely deserving of success. The compliment rampage is useful for deflecting incoming envy too. If you sense someone close to you is directing a pistol full of bitterness your way, kill her with kindness and give your own humility barometer a check to be sure you aren’t inviting it. Next, devise a list of things you would be proud of yourself for achieving in your personal life and career, and get to work. It may take time, but the point is that you’re defining success and happiness on your own terms and you’re pursuing the goals for yourself (or for your family, if that’s the case).

4. Take to reading books like the Tao of Pooh or listen to a lot of George Harrison if it helps you realize what you actually have and what’s really important. In “Isn’t it a Pity,” Harrison wrote: “Some things take so long, but how do I explain? / Not too many people can see we’re all the same / And because of all the tears, their eyes can’t hope to see / the beauty that surrounds them…isn’t it a pity?” It’s one of his songs, much like “Beware of Darkness” and “I, Me, Mine” that make me go, “Shut up, you awful, awful brain and stop poisoning me with your insults about my worth as a human and your crazy notions about what it’ll take to make me happy.” Of course there’s a slew of books that offer a similar perspective. Enlightenment by (breathe deeply) self-help—or religious or philosophical—books isn’t for everyone, but if you keep tripping over the envy hurdle, and pep talks from friends don’t stick, maybe the situation calls for an immersion course in need vs. want, the evils of negative motivation, and gratitude. The ability to put a positive spin on things is useful in myriad ways, after all; and if you manage to avoid being an overly optimistic shiny happy person who annoys all your friends, then you’ll not only improve your own outlook, but you’ll be a valuable asset to those you hold dear.