depressed + but i'm lit

Last time I checked, I'm still a fucking wreck

Hard as I try, I can’t get out of bed

Last time I checked, I'm still fucking depressed

- lil aaron

Every day, I arrive on campus, I go to my classes and just to stare blankly at the professor while they're lecturing.

Between my classes, I just sit down in a chair and do nothing.

Or, I wander around aimlessly. Every time I see a fountain, I want to drown myself in it. Every time I'm on a bridge, I want to jump.

When I come home, I just lay down, hoping to sleep so I won't have to deal with the real world.

Hell, even when I binge and purge, it's not even remotely about weight loss anymore. I don't weigh myself anymore. I don't count calories anymore. Even when I've eaten nothing, I'll sometimes just chug warm water to throw up for the sake of it. I just do it because I get to give into my impulses and let my mind disappear into my habits until I pass out or cannot go longer.

We have a balcony in one of our rooms, every time I pass it by, I want to launch myself off of it, but I don't because I know it won't kill me. It'll just be another medical bill, and I'll just be more of financial burden than I already am: a useless daughter, flunking out of all of my classes that are supposed to be easy, doing nothing other than smoking weed and going to concerts, and unable to be left alone.

But I don't even want to die. I just want to disappear, completely. Death would be comforting only to myself. I've had alcohol poisoning before. I've been put under for surgery or blacked out due to my own stupidity plenty of times. It's easy, painless, and comforting, but only to myself. Every time I wake up I feel as if I'm just a burden to everyone around me because of my actions, or in the cases of surgery, because of my physical dependence afterwards. I just want to disappear completely from history. For the world to enter a timeline in which I never existed. I've met many people that I truly have loved—friends and family—and I don't want them to deal with the consequences of my death. I've already caused enough trouble for everyone, especially in the past few months.

And worst of all? Time passes by so slowly. I'll see pictures I took and feel as if they were ages ago, but it was only a day or even a couple of hours. So many of my friends are complaining about how time flies, but I just want my time to be up.