color

6. “The half-circle of blinding turquoise ocean is this love’s primal scene. That this blue exists makes my life a remarkable one, just to have seen it.” I always think of the ocean as a blue slab, and not necessarily a half-circle. But I do love it. It calms me down. I am so happy that I got to spend my 19th birthday in such close proximity to it in Singapore.

7. I want to stain my fingers and then stain the entire fucking world with the blue pigment.

13. Do I feel like a sleeve of ash falling off a lit cigarette? Spent, burned out, ruined, ignored and brushed away by the rest of the world, falling constantly, getting blown by the wind, constantly waiting to meet my end, feeling me getting torn into pieces as though i’ve visited a black hole and each part of me getting attached to a different person/thing.

14. “another with the face of a derelict whose eyes literally leaked blue.” Leaking blue reminds me of compassion, of the power of an ever flowing river which just gushes out of the crevices of my body. I wonder if I leak blue.

17. I think that what I’m trying to do now is find cures without bothering to identify the disease. As if even spending another minute understanding and analyzing the mess I’ve become is too painful for words. Can I live my whole life under a painkiller? Can I allow myself to dilute the spectrum and live life in only two shades?

18. “It was the only time I came.” while watching the blue tarp flapping in the wind. i love how she talks about having sex in the previous sentence, but she came only when she witnessed true beauty. beauty is not sex. beauty is beauty. is providence truly dank? is the fact that humans cling on to an external hope, be it destiny or religion, truly horrendous? maybe we need to focus on the mundane just as it is. things are. they do not need any external assurance. 

19. “But what if the prince of blue’s unbuttoned pants are the divine?” none of us truly know/understand what the divine is. it ultimately leaves her sobbing on the floor, as it does with every one of us who ever had faith or belief at some point in their life.

20. “Fucking leaves everything as it is. It does not interfere with the use of language, or give it an foundation either.” very profound. 

21. “I became known as the lady who waits, the sad sack of town with hair that smells like an animal.”

22. I feel like my life is being held only by a see-through membrane, where a very small group of people can see through the membrane and the others only see a girl with a v strong foundation. if that membrane tears, everyone will see the spilled milk and broken cookies inside.

22. “At the bottom of the swimming pool, I watched the white winter light spangle the cloudy blue and I knew together they made God.” calling blue decent and industrial seems kind of biased, but also v v right. blue is decent unlike that bastard red.

23. Goethe vs critic’s way of looking at the period of time when he wrote Theory of Colors - critic thought that it was “a long interval, marked by nothing of distinguished note,” and goethe described it as a period in which “a quiet, collected state of mind was out of the question.” this reminds me of how appy and I talked about our respective lives over the past year. she said that i had changed the least, but when i look at the tumultuous journeys that i have undertaken, I am amazed and astonished that i am still resembling a sane person now.

I never turn to color at particularly fraught moments, I always stick to my frigid comforts and hazy lifestyles at those times. 

24. “A physical theory (such as Newton’s) cannot solve the problems that motivated Goethe” very very true, people always misunderstand the power of color in solving matters of the heart.