That's So Esther @thatssoesther - Tumblr Blog

ITS NOT EVEN A WEEK ITS MORE LIKE AN ONTOLOGY

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My Mom and I have this weird tradition because we both have an incredibly morbid sense of humor where every Halloween she walks me through the bureaucracy of what I need to know when she dies, and I have transcribed this year's for your reading pleasure

Mom: ESTHER HELLO WELCOME

Me: Oh Jesus are we really doing this again

Mom: IT IS TIME

Me: God ok tell me where you've hidden all your goblin gold or whatever

Mom: HERE IS MY WILL THIS IS HOW YOU GET ALL MY MONEY

Me: Ok

Mom: AND I'D LIKE TO BE CREMATED YOU CAN JUST PUT ME IN THIS BOX

Me: I'm not putting you in something boring. Like I'm not putting you in something that isn't a bust of Nefertiti's head ideally with a hidden compartment or some kind of cypher

Mom: You're right ok I'll find something cool

Me: So what do you want me to do with your...body dust

Mom: Oh I haven't thought about that. You can just throw me in the White River

Me: I'M NOT THROWING YOU IN THE WHITE RIVER

Mom: Ok Ok I don't care you can just take me to the farm in Virginia and toss me somewhere there

Me: Listen I need you to get creative like literally if it's not some kind of insane quest I'm not doing it

Mom: Ok I'll make it weird. WE'RE DONE.

Me: THANK GOD also aren't you afraid I'm going to off you now so I can have all your diamonds

Mom: You know what you go down the stairs in front of me

#that's so esther

OH MY GOD I LOVE CANNIBALISM

#that's so esther

i-remade-fffffuckkkkkkkkk-deact

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"After 6 straight hours of grad seminars I really just need to hear someone say the word butthole"- an actual thing I actually said

an actual thing Esther actually said

#that's so esther

I remember writing a 30 page letter to our swimming pool about he inhumanity of putting goldfish in the pool for children to catch for festivals

#that's so esther

He's the most self-actualized dog I've ever seen."

#that's so esther #submission

The Estheriest Shit

"Oh hey Sarah, do you think you could use the printer to print off something for me?" "Sure, what is it?" "...a dissertation."

#that's so esther #submission

No that's true so many of the texts centered around just like a general theme of dick liberation

#that's so esther #dick liberation

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Honestly most of my fashion is just me tricking people into thinking I'm actually wearing clothes so

#that's so america's next top esther

My Mom and I moon each other in public FEEL FREE TO NATURE/NURTURE THAT SHIT AT YOUR LEISURE

#that's so esther #the truth is out there

Beardy Beard/Uncle Krunkle is a a character Josh and I made up who tells rambling old timey stories that inevitably end in him recounting his first experience with butthole pleasures

#that's so esther

I HAVE TWO VERY IMPORTANT WORDS AND THOSE WORDS ARE SUGAR JIZZ

#that's so esther

Like being friends with you for a year and a half has given me ass problems

#that's so esther #sounds like a real catasstrophy

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NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOW JUST FLAGRANT, UNOBSTRUCTED TITTY FUCKING BUMS ME OUT IN MY SOUL

#that's so esther

AFTER ANNOTATING MATHEMES OF RE-ASSOCIATION I CAN ANNOTATE ANYTHING. I COULD ANNOTATE YOUR DAD.

#that's so esther

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