Best Day of my Life

YAAAAAAS GIRL, YAAAAS. I love you for sending this. Cheapest to most expensive, here we go.

Ryan: Not a whore, he’s a slut, he literally sucks dick for free, I’m surprised he’s not on his knees with a line around the block. Some guys are just dick pigs, he’s one of them.

Frank: Also a slut but has a little more self respect than Ryan, you could probably trap him into sucking your dick with one of those cartoon box stick and string traps with a beanie underneath, so if you get a beanie out of the trash, free.

August: Also free, he Frank and Ryan are the Slutbutt Trinity of Hampton Groves. He fucked in a pool in front of people why do you think he’d charge to suck dick

Zach: The other somebody that fucks in a pool in front of people, so clearly he’s not worried about pricing his services.

Luke: Free, but not free. He’ll call the paparazzi on himself and TMZ will photograph you eating his balls, then he’ll whine about it and tell them to get a real job so he doesn’t look like the famewhore he is. He’ll put it on Instagram like his other pap-photo collections.

City: He doesn’t charge but he does write “Shea” in sharpie on every dick he sucks and that way it’s just like the real thing. Then he journals about it. Someone get him some help.

Bo: Doesn’t charge because he did it for the Vine.

Eoghan: Sucks dick for a dollar, but if his personality is any indication, he’ll ADHD halfway through the blowjob and run off to chase a butterfly so don’t fuckin pay him up front.

Kai: Would probably suck dick for a gram of coke and that shit isn’t as cheap as it used to be. Whitney (#RIP) said crack was for poor people so he’s gonna get the good shit

Eli: sucking dick for more pairs of those weird electronic kitty ears he wears. Those are a whole 99 dollars.

Butler: Sucks mob dick in exchange for protection, it’s the only thing keeping his dick safe from Frank’s thirst.

Jihoon: He’d probably suck dick in exchange for plastic surgery, a closet full of those fugly ass Jeremy Scott clothes he insists on wearing, and makeup. He a high dollar ho.

Noah: lady boys with a sugar daddy are hella well paid. He’s not any ho, he’s a kept ho. That’s a good gig if you can get it.

The diva meltdown, it’s starting. Goddamn someone get the popcorn. I take mine like I take my gossip, extra greasy. 

 Because I know we all care so much, right? So let’s switch it up. HOW THE REALTIONSHITS ARE GOING TO END. 

Reese and Lila: Related. One day she’s gonna see the guy’s dick in the light and have flashbacks of the times she bathed with her brother as a kid. Does she have a brother? If not…now you do. Is there a hallmark card for this? “Sorry your boyfriend was actually your brother. *cartoon squirrel*” 

Ellar and Shea: Miscommunication. Reese and Lila’s might have been a joke, but this definitely isn’t. They can’t sext right because they awkward as hell. They can’t fight right because they awkward as hell. They can’t even open the much needed discussion about a 3-way with Hepatitis City  because they awkward as hell. 

Luke and Augustus: 5 second rule. You know that feeling of shock you got when a couple in middle school stayed together longer than two weeks? Their two weeks are almost up and they ain’t gonna last. There should be a Hallmark card for that too.

Veli: Lead Hair dye poisoning. Van and hair dye are like cocaine and my 4th father. Once he went blue and black, he could never go back. He’s gonna get a weird batch from the black market one day and poison himself. It’ll be sad and Eli will be a widow. We’ll cry with you, Eli. RIP Van. RIP Veli. 

Bo and Noah: Cried a river and drowned in it. The neko porn one’s gonna cry too hard and choke. RIP Noah. RIP BoAH. Maybe Eli and Bo can have a support group, just don’t fuck him because he has cat ears too. That or they’re gonna choke on each other’s dicks, the fucking cum sluts. 

Did I miss anyone? Where did all the straight people go? Godammit the daddy kink gang’s gonna have a second coming at this rate.