That I Might Remember

One year ago, yesterday, our third baby went home to be with Jesus. After our loss, all I wanted was to know the name of the child the Lord had given us. While reading C.S. Lewis one night, the Lord answered my prayer and gave us her name. We remember you, sweet Lucy, and we long for the day when we will finally get to meet you. // "We remember your life, our hopes and dreams for you, the ways in which your short existence changed us. We mourn your death, the death that happened in a secret place, in the dark of my womb. And we proclaim our common hope and trust that although we cannot wrap our imaginations around the details, the God who holds the span of life and death in His very hands and even in His very body, the God who stands beyond the edges of the universe and who dwells in the heart of the atom - this God holds even your tiny lost life in the hollow of His divine hand, He calls you by name, knows you intimately, and has made you whole and lovely at last." Elise Barrett

I remember my sixth birthday. I remember childhood; The joys, the simplicity. Of course I didn't see it that way when I was a child, But now that I am older, I see what a grace childhood can be and how I long to have a heart that is young again. Eyes that are young again. Joy that is young again. Trust that is young again. And a faith that is childlike again. Now that you are six, I see how much I want to be like you, to love like you do. To enjoy the little things. To invite and embrace others into belonging. I want to lay aside my anxieties and play with abandon, to create without fear of judgment, to use my imagination, just like you. You, my firstborn, who made me a mother, have been a constant invitation to me of childlikeness: an invitation to slow down and really smell the roses, to wonder at creation, to sing whatever is on your heart, to take time to play or cuddle, to jump on the bed, or stay up late just to read one more chapter. I have heard it said that a mother will be saved through childbearing, and I think I am beginning to see that maybe it is because as we grow older we often lose sight of what matters. To me this is the supreme beauty of children. "For children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do." (Jean de la Bruyere) I believe that God places children in our lives to remind us that it is in the little things, the quiet moments, the mundane seasons of life that life is truly found. You have taught me that and for that, I thank you. Happy sixth birthday, Evangeline Grace. May your heart stay young and your faith remain childlike.

Evangeline Grace // Today you are six years old. I remember when you were the size of your brother and I was the one holding you in my arms and kissing your head. You have grown so much and the Lord has used your beautiful life to grow me. You, my dear, are marvelous. You are tender and gentle. You are gracious and so very kind. I could not be more proud to call you my daughter. Happy 6th birthday. I love you deeply.

I can't help but laugh. Parenting children is both a sweet and trying calling. Today has been long. At the end of the evening, we said goodbye to our community group, cleaned up and sat on the couch to take a deep breath and read a book with our girls before the final task of getting them to bed. The moment was sweet. I even took the time to comment to Andrew on how picturesque it all was. Music playing in the background, candles lit, my children snuggling next to me on the couch. He came to sit next to us, Eleanor got up and walked back to her room as she often does when reading something longer than a sentence. We finished our story and sat back to just take a deep breath. Perfect, right? Then it happened. Life. Real life. Out walked my brand new two year, with a wad of sopping wet toilet paper between her lips, sucking away as if this was the only way she could get that much needed drink of water she had apparently been longing for. Solitude shattered. I walked into the bathroom to find that while I was enjoying a moment of peace, she was wreaking havoc, making toilet paper soup in the toilet and tasting her creation. We held back our disgust and quickly placed her in the bath. Attempting to scold her we asked, "Eleanor, are you supposed to drink from the toilet?!" She slowly looked up at us, with a smile from ear to ear and emphatically nodded her head yes! "It's funny," she said. // She was right. This "life" thing is funny. Real funny. And rarely picturesque. #instagramisnotreallife

Eleanor Jane // Today is her second birthday. Two years of life with this one has left us with more joy and laughter than we could have ever imagined. The Lord has been abundantly gracious to us through this little girl, who is full of life and spunk. She is opinionated and talkative just like her sister. She feels deeply and laughs constantly. She is our little light and we couldn't be more grateful for her. Happy Birthday, Eleanor Jane.

Coffee Shop Doodles // Everyone has been given gifts and talents by God. These gifts, given to us, are more manifold than just the gift in itself. They serve to point us to our God and His character as Creator; the very embodiment of all that is beautiful. The Lord did not give us these things that we might keep them in isolation, but that we might share them. He gave gifts to individuals, yes, but ultimately that we as individuals might share them for the joy of all. That we might use them to serve, to point one another to the Kingdom - to the beauty that transcends us, to proclaim what is true, to draw us deeper into the very heart of our Creator God. Our gifts are more effective in community. So enjoy the arts. Support the artists. Celebrate all that is beautiful, because "God is the embodiment of beauty and engagement with beauty can draw us deeper into the heart of God." -Jonathan Edwards -Inspired by the writings of Jonathan Edwards and Madeline L'Engle

Evangeline. You are growing up so quickly. Today, as we celebrated your birthday we invited you to tell us all the things that you wanted to do in a day. So, we had some of your favorite people over for homemade donuts, then ate at your favorite restaurant (Chipotle), and then went to a bookstore, and then to top it all off you asked to have your "community" over for dinner and a movie. So, we invited some of your cousins and ate hotdogs and watched ,"Inside Out." Today was full of joy, and friends, and family, and life, and so many other good things that have all come from a good God. One day, when you remember this day, may you see how deeply loved you are, what a grace friendship is, and how there is a loving God behind it all. I love you, sweet little one. No matter what.

Great Grandmother

This little love, posing in her baseball hat. 😂 // For the past few weeks she has cried every time that I have laid her down to go to sleep, at both nap time and bed time. Everyday, I walk into her room and turn off the light. Everyday, she begins to point aggressively at the door and speak in gibberish. Well, yesterday while standing in her darkened room trying to understand just what it was that she was wanting, she said, as clear as day, "Kiss, Evie." Immediately, I called Evie to the room and they embraced and kissed one another and for the first time in weeks, she fell asleep without a sound.

A poem for my love on Father's Day.

There is a joy you have brought me. A joy, that I did not know I needed. A joy that overwhelms me. When you say my name. When you overflow with excitement when I simply look your way. When you lay your head on my shoulder and hold so tightly to my shirt. When you want to dance with your Papa and I. Your little smile, your constant giggle, your joy. We needed you. Our home, our lives, our hearts needed you, little Eleanor. We needed your light, your joy, your laughter. We needed your gentleness, your passion, your cuddles. And we didn't even know it. And then you came. Right in the middle of change, you came. And the moment we saw your face our hearts grew bigger and filled up all over again. My heart was richly blessed the day you were born and everyday thereafter. Happy 1st Birthday, little love.

My little Eleanor. In the last four weeks you have gone from barely being able to sit up, to pulling yourself around the house, crawling, pulling up, walking along furniture, and moving from the couch to the coffee table. You have four teeth, love to eat just about everything, and never stop laughing. You sing, dance, and clap constantly. You can say "Momma", "Papa", "No, no, no", and "Hi" (while waving). You are so in love with your family. You love to cuddle and you give the greatest hugs. I adore you. Your laugh, your smile, your little joyful heart. What a blessing you are, my Eleanor Jane.

  Happy Birthday, my sweet little one. I love you, no matter what.

This. // After a week and a half of intense sickness and pain and several tests, we finally have some answers. Tomorrow I have surgery to remove my gallbladder and a biopsy of my liver due to concerning lab/ultrasound results. Join us as we rest on grace, pray for good results for my liver, and trust in our good God. My heart is resting tonight in my Sovereign God, who not only saved me by taking my place on the cross, but has given me life, a family, friends, the most tender husband, a little girl who just loves to talk to us, and another little girl who loves us so much she laughs in joy every time we look her way. I am overwhelmed by the mercy and grace of God and grateful for these undeserved blessings.

Home // After a week of endless late nights working away on sermons, another week of my sweet husband preaching those sermons in New Mexico, and our girls' first over-night road trip to Texas to visit friends, we are all finally home together. Being home, together, with those three is the greatest thing.