I find myself wrestling with a question I've been running away from. There was never enough time to breathe and think about the future, or well there was, but I've been too caught up in the present. Which isn't a bad thing, until you're asked and you're required to answer.

"Where would you be in 10 years?" demands a med school application.

Sara Bareilles - Manhattan (Live at the Variety Playhouse)

“Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Like a lot of quotes, the one above has been attributed to so many people, I didn't bother doing a more thorough search of the internet. That's not why we quote, anyway.

About two weeks ago I was taking a major exam for a subject I added to my curriculum so I would qualify for a couple of more medical schools, provided I pass it. Those three pages of questions are the hardest I've ever encountered in my life, even with a full 5 days dedicated to studying the material it covered.

It was the first time in my life that I can say I was truly tempted to cheat.

I had my flashcards tucked in my over-sized pencil case, in my lap.

It was one thing to know that it was possible to cheat under the circumstances. It is another to feel compelled down to your bones, to feel your muscles practically twitching to unzip that pencil case and take a peek at those cards under the guise of rifling through it to look for another pen.

The only thing that stopped me were a few lines from a medical career discernment talk I attended months before. He asked the attendees who cheated, at least once during their stay so far in college. Of course nobody would admit to it. He says, "because if you have, you need stop it. Stop it now. You can get through med school cheating, all right. But you'll never be an excellent doctor that way. What kind of doctor - no, what kind of person do you want to be?"

It's tough being the person used to high grades. I'm just lucky I finally realized an excellent transcript doesn't say much about the kind of person you are, just that you're a person you got high grades in these subjects. They don't say how compassionate you are, or how upright, or how loving, or how open you are, even to strangers. Learning is indispensable though. Tests measure how much and how well you've learned the subject matter. A link a friend shared recommends that once you've settled on a career path, you need to identify the qualities of a person considered 'good' in that career, and to set aside time to develop these qualities and hone the skills needed. Otherwise, it would remain out of the realm of the possible. I wouldn't trust a doctor who didn't know the material covered by that killer test.

I simply need to find a way to study lighter, but learn smarter.

Thank you for arriving in my life.

I've yet to meet you, but know that despite all the hardships I'm going through now, all the emotional turmoil, I think of you. I think of you, and how I should make the most out of this pain. How I should try my best not to let these cuts mar me.

I'm trying to keep my self tender, for you. I'm trying my hardest not to marinate in bitterness and find sweetness in the little things. The future is daunting but I push for more because I think of you, you who must have struggled to grow too so you could be a good person. Good for the world, good for me, good for goodness' sake.

I think of how out of all the imperfect, beautiful souls out there, it is you who is perfect for me. I'm getting by partly with the belief that somehow in this crazy life we'll find our way to each other.

Quite impatient to meet you, but I don't have any other choice really but wait.

I hope I meet you soon.

I try so damn hard.

And not just physically. So many things I never had the time to sit and think about. Important, 20's kinds of things. Grad school, love, general good grooming and hygiene, religious faith.

You immerse yourself in stress with no breaks for so long and you come out of it tougher but over all, not o.k.

Like pickled eggs!

I'm pickled eggs.