Antisocial Bitch™️

-Bojack Horseman

That restlessness that settles not only in those empty pauses that linger in the silence, but makes itself at home deep within your bones.

And not to say I wish ruin on what I see around me, but a step off in a different direction. Somewhere else. Not here, perhaps not in this world even. Where I’m still me, yet nothing else is what it is, but what it isn’t.

I’m not where I need to be and unsure where I ought to be.

Fuck your girl for reaping the benefits of you being sober, she wasn’t there, she didn’t go through all that with you. She doesn’t deserve to who you became. Fuck you, man.

Why couldn’t you get sober...I deserved to have you sober. I didn’t deserve the you I got, and to this day I know I didn’t deserve what happened to me, and yet...here I am wishing I had you sober.

I don’t think I even had to end up with you sober. I just wanted you sober for awhile. I wanted the you that played the cello for me and sang to me at night. I wanted the you who smiled across the room at me the first time I met you at honors band.

You wanted you sober. And maybe in the end that is a selfish want. Maybe I never wanted you sober for your own sake. You did have a future ahead of you, you could have done so much with your life had you not took the road you did. And yet I think I just wanted you sober for myself. Perhaps because I’m angry and I had you while you used. I don’t know.

It’s a selfish want fueled by an unforgiving anger because I didn’t get what I wanted. You know it’s sad when to this day that anger still holds me at times because I didn’t get what I feel I deserved.

I just wanted you in the way we deserved to have each other and yet here we are, without a word of each other.

I know it needs to be this way, a sober mind can’t forget what happened. And it’s sort of funny, after all that happened and how we both ended up...there is so much we both want to say, to scream, to be answered. The silence will continue, there really is nothing to be said.