a side blog for being horny and mentally unwell @that-one-marionette - Tumblr Blog

This is my horny/mental struggles side blog. The two factors intersect more often than not

More info under the cut

#doll talks #i might add more stuff if i remember something

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Tumblr scam bots pretending to be staff want me so badly😋😋😋😋😋

#doll talks #i got like 10 notifs from them

I don't think I love her anymore. Or at least not to the degree I used to. If she wanted to be friends again, I don't know if I'd want us to be as close

#doll talks #her🩷#how can i trust her not to lie about her level of discomfort around me if she's ended our friendship twice over me breaking her boundaries #when she herself rarely told me she wants me to stop doing something completely #it's “i usually don't like it but it's tolerable from you” or “i can assert my boundaries don't worry” or “i still want to talk to you”#and then turns out she's given me so many chances over the course of our friendship when i only knew about two #one of which happened because of the “it's tolerable from you” and the fact that she'd initiated a similar interaction once before #which i mean i still fucked up by doing the thing on the assumption that it's not a big deal and i made sure to never do it again afterwards #but you know. nuance #“you'll inevitably have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you” my ass #for someone who wants clear communication and doesn't like mind games it sure seems like she thought i'd read her mind #she never said you don't want me period. you just said you don't want me in your close circle and that we're still friends otherwise #what was i to think? that i'm not wanted at all?#“i want my close circle to inspire me and you're not that type of person” ok i can become that type of person and i won't try to talk you #into chamging your mind about me as i am. it for you to decide when/if you want us to be close friends again. i'm just glad to be around you #because you're cool and i like you mind and the ideas it produces #and then ten days later she's like “whatever you feel for me if it's love/obsession/fp it doesn't get better and you need distance from me #and to figure out why the hell you'd want to be with someone who actively doesn't want to be with you“#and i'm like ??????? bro wtf #i interacted with her the way i always did because she never asked me to stop and actively participated and initiated sometimes #which doesn't seem like a crossed boundary to me personally. it seems that she enjoyed my shenanigans actually #maybe talking about what you don't like would've fucking helped #you know what i hope someone calls her out on her hypocrisy because it definitely won't be me #you know. because i'm trying to be a decent person and not cross clearly communicated boundaries.#and she very clearly communicated that she doesn't want me in her life

It's really ironic that she decided to put a stop to this friendship for my well-being precisely when I'm actually doing fine

#doll talks #her🩷#this is probably the last post about her. i thought it would be appropriate to have a finality to the saga. or something #in case i suddenly get a bunch more followers on this blog one day #anyway yeah. she gave me many chances to be better. i wasn't aware that it wasn't obvious that i was better #i mean if my frame of reference was “i tend to dislike this type of people but you're fine because we're close already”#and “we aren't as close anymore but i still like your company”. then i couldn't have known that she actually meant “i am uncomfortable”#she said once that she was worried that i might be the one to leave if i found someone i clicked with better #so i made sure to keep my brain's focus on her when the bpd decided it's time to discard her like all previous fps #because ultimately i knew that my brain was lying to me about her not wanting me around #but i guess she actually didn't and my clinging to her looked like i was desperately trying to be with someone who doesn't want me #i wish she said she was uncomfortable and if i don't stop doing whatever i was doing then it's over. instead of “i can overlook it”#maybe she did tell me. maybe i'm doing the thing yet again where i can't see beyond my own desires. maybe i'm choosing to remember it this #way. maybe i never stopped centering myself despite how much i like to claim that i'll try my best for her #on a similar note i genuinely don't revolve my whole being around her #i still want to get better at art and create my own things and pursue that passion. but my current ideas will just remind me of her #i wanted her to be around to witness them. i wanted her to see me finally shine. maybe even make something together bc i admire her ideas #and i will still move forward with my ideas and make them for the fun of creating new things and telling stories but. i'll miss her #i love her. i want her to be happy. i hope she decides to give this friendship a try again some day #it's alright if not. i can live with it. as i've said i'm normal about her now and i'm surprised it wasn't obvious #but i'll miss her. i want her around regardless of how close we are. i'd love to collaborate on something #i'll miss her so much #goodbye my angel. i hope the future brings each of us happiness #why do i feel weird addressing her directly. she won't see this anyway she has no reason to check this blog she doesn't want me #well now the moment's ruined. great job doll #sigh. it's fine #i love her :(

that-one-marionette

CRISIS AVERTED SHE LIKES ME STILL

that-one-marionette

Undiagnosing. I'm totally fine😊👍🏻

#doll talks

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CRISIS AVERTED SHE LIKES ME STILL

#doll talks #her🩷

I miss her :(

#her🩷#i knew we weren't going to text a lot because she's super busy and she doesn't text much in general #but it's so much harder to bear because i can't fall back on the knowledge that she still loves me as much as before or that he cares at all #i used to just spam her dms with anything and everything that comes to mind when i started to miss her but now i can't #because i don't want to be annoying or a bother #i assume my energy is tolerable if we're really close but if we aren't then why would she want to see a billion texts from me #she's been ignoring someone else for over a month. who's to say she won't ignore me now because i'm not a priority #i miss her :(#i miss her so much :(#i want to take my heart out of my chest and give it to her. i don't feel like there is anything where the heart is supposed to be anyway #maybe she already has it. it would make sense. i hope she's gentle with it at least #doll is upset

that-one-marionette

This blog literally has two followers, both of whom are my mutuals (hi, mutuals👋🏻😊), but you know who knows about its existence? She🩷 does. She could check it any time and see all my posts about her. I am not sure if I want to know if she reads them. I post them here specifically because she doesn't follow this blog and doesn't really interact with it in any way that I know of. But there is a non-zero chance that she's going to check this blog any day. Sighhhhhhh. Hello, my angel

that-one-marionette

I think some part of me wants her to read all of this. I'm not writing it for her, but it's just... that feeling of wanting the other person to know exactly how you feel without having to tell them. Because this here is not something that I'd want to tell her. It's too close to guilt-tripping for me. Or to making a scene. Or to begging to be taken back. Or to all of the above at the same time. And I don't want to do that. So, I guess I'm leaving this here in case she does decide to read all of it. Hello again, my angel. Tread carefully, I'm on my bullshit once more

#her🩷#doll talks

This blog literally has two followers, both of whom are my mutuals (hi, mutuals👋🏻😊), but you know who knows about its existence? She🩷 does. She could check it any time and see all my posts about her. I am not sure if I want to know if she reads them. I post them here specifically because she doesn't follow this blog and doesn't really interact with it in any way that I know of. But there is a non-zero chance that she's going to check this blog any day. Sighhhhhhh. Hello, my angel

#doll talks #her🩷#sigh. maybe we aren't as close anymore because i can't shut up in time

that-one-marionette

"I want to start opening up to people" this, "I don't want to spend my life alone anymore" that, "I cried because I thought I would be alone forever" this. But she doesn't consider me a close friend anymore despite the fact that I was the first person she opened up to back when she was still afraid of doing so, and she herself said that I give her more than she could ever ask for, and I assured her that I will never ask more of her than she's willing to give. What the fuck else do you need. What do other people have that I don't

that-one-marionette

"I change as a person and naturally drift apart from people" then how would you know I haven't changed as well if you're apart from me??? How would you know we're still incompatible???

#her🩷#doll is upset

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"I want to start opening up to people" this, "I don't want to spend my life alone anymore" that, "I cried because I thought I would be alone forever" this. But she doesn't consider me a close friend anymore despite the fact that I was the first person she opened up to back when she was still afraid of doing so, and she herself said that I give her more than she could ever ask for, and I assured her that I will never ask more of her than she's willing to give. What the fuck else do you need. What do other people have that I don't

#her🩷#doll is upset

Why would she distance itself from me if she wants to be loved so badly. I could give him all the love it wants and more

#her🩷#doll is upset

He's still my angel :(

I hope it still wants to be my angel :(

#her🩷#doll is upset

I don't know if I'd rather have this numbness or the heartbreak

#doll is upset #<- this is my new vent-ish tag it's more inclusive

that-one-marionette

The one person I've ever felt genuine love for doesn't consider me a close friend anymore.

that-one-marionette

You know how people say that if you actually love someone, you'd want them to be happy even if it's without you. That no matter how much you want to be with them, you'd let them go if they said it would make them happier. I never understood it until now. I thought it was about letting them leave because clinging to them when you're not wanted would hurt them and make them hate you and sour your relationship even further and ruin any chance of rebuilding what you used to have. I could never imagine that it's possible to love someone so much that you'd put them before yourself. I thought that, if you're willing to let them go, if you don't want to have them all for yourself forever, then you don't love them enough. Your feelings are superficial, you're just convincing yourself that you care because you've been taught that love is what makes you human

But I finally felt that love, and yes. I want to spend the rest of my life by her side, but I would leave without question if she wanted me to. I wouldn't drag it out, not out of fear of hatred or ruined chances, but because I want her happiness above all. No matter how much it would break my heart

#doll talks #her🩷#she's not even leaving forever or anything she just said she doesn't consider me one of her closest friends anymore #we still talk. we're friendly even #we're going to meet up soon #but my brain still can't conceptualise anything in-between “complete and utter devotion” and “wouldn't even blink if you seffer and die”#*suffer #i genuinely hope she's happy

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The one person I've ever felt genuine love for doesn't consider me a close friend anymore.

#doll talks #her🩷#of course it's about her. everything is about her #i remembered i have a mental health struggles blog. yay i guess

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#doll reblogs #I CHOCKED ON MY BROWNIE

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a side blog for being horny and mentally unwell