Bipolar and Me

Even with progress, therapy, medication, routine, all the tools at my disposal, it just crumbles within a night.

The way you refer to yourself and your illness is important. Referring to yourself as bipolar or using derogatory language can recontextualize your self image. This is also evident from the way the psychiatric community began to emphasise the difference between, for example, a bipolar person, or a person with bipolar disorder.

i dont know what to do, ive basically been suspicious and paranoid ever since ive felt elated. i spoke with my doctor and he said there isnt much he can do, he refuses to prescribe me antidepressants because he doesnt want to worsen my mania, but im scared ill do something fucked, because every manic episode ive had, ive basically been like this feral creature roaming around my bedroom at 3am, like im waiting to be freed (i have strict parents). i had a psychotic episode induced by religion back in october and because of the confused state i was in by everything, it hindered my application to be seen by an early intervention psychosis team. so im basically fucked until october, do you have any advice?

ive spoken to every breathing organism in my life and theyre all inclined to believe that i have bipolar 1, especially rapid cycling, and some of those who have rapid cycling cautioned me as rapid cyclings a new term and some psychiatrists dont understand it, so im really fucking scared i dont want to be brushed off with some bullshit label.

but yeah, i want to know if antipsychotics really help with the thoughts that i have, they dont go away, and i firmly believe them and always will, im scared that even with antipsychotics ill still have these beliefs that i am this person, that he is reincarnated into me and theres nothing i can do, because like how god was reincarnated into jesus, theres nothing i can do,

anyway i love your blog

hello, thank you very much for stopping by.

I think you are very brave for sharing this. I have to stress this. You are clearly extremely self-aware, and not to be annoying but, I feel like self-awareness can make everything worse in some situations.

1. What I'm saying is that self-awareness can make psychiatrists confused...

So they have a hard time dissecting thoughts, emotions and delusions you're dealing with. Most are taught that psychosis and self-awareness cannot coexist (a very false and dangerous myth). This can also be a reason for their brush off.

2. idk where you're from but this is absolutely a reason to seek urgent care...

Now, I have to warn you. The process can be traumatising, especially for someone self-aware enough to advocate for themselves. BUT PLEASE DO.

3. This is common.

Seriously, take comfort in the fact that most people who experience psychosis (or rapid cycling or other conditions) can relate to this on a level. You are not alone and an experienced clinician will understand your pain well.

4. But please. Don't diagnose yourself.

And if you find answers, don't share them with professionals. They are more likely to dismiss you as 'exaggerating or faking'. It's also not necessarily what you believe it is. Talk about what you feel comfortable, explain, let them come to conclusions.

5. Look into other terms, magical thinking and maladaptive daydreaming.

I'm not saying this to invalidate, I want to stress that some people are more likely to cope with reality in such ways. And it's harder to stay objective when trying to determine your symptoms. But if you're already stressed and anxious, it might be best to avoid it altogether.

6. I've been through several similar experiences and, for most, antipsychotics help a lot. You are likely to find that out within weeks of treatment. Besides mood swings, antipsychotics work great for disorganised thoughts (or delusions or other complicated phenomena).

7. Rapid cycling is very common for people who cannot stabilise (duh) and are unmedicated. Because usually one episode triggers another. Think about balance. Your brain is trying to compensate, so after mania, you recharge with depression, and once recharged, you can easily slip back into mania. This is a vicious cycle best fixed in a controlled, safe, (usually a hospital) space.

8. Antidepressants will make it worse.

From what you've written it's obvious enough that your condition would likely be worse, especially the rapid cycling part, if you are introduced to antidepressants without another medication. Your case is probably a classic candidate for at least an antipsychotic, but it might not be enough to combat rapid cycling. I'm afraid you have to trust doctors when it comes to prescribing meds (while keeping yourself informed and standing up for your beliefs).

My two cents:

I was self-aware, like you, but despite this, I can only now realise the extent of my first psychosis. I was unmedicated, without any treatment, without anyone to help me. Until things got so out of control, my symptoms became too obvious while I thought my appearance was normal and my behaviour was under control. That led me to the help I needed, but unfortunately through the path of involuntary hospitalisation. I didn't know what was happening, and I blamed myself for too long. BUT. The hospital setting meant that I got to be stable in a very short time. Despite the initial traumatic experience, I am very grateful to the people who forced it on me. I kept rapid cycling with increasingly prolonged mania, each more destructive. If I went through it again, I would not wait, but would commit myself. Even if you aren't of age, a psychiatrist still has to see you and determine what would be best.

Whatever the reason, your description sounds like this is causing you great distress, which can aggravate other symptoms or mood swings. It's also unlikely to just go away and you 100 % deserve help. What you mention sounds like a big burden. I'm again expressing amazement at your ability to reach out and I'm certain a mental health professional will be satisfied with you just showing them this well-written ask. You are a strong person, but this war takes too great a sacrifice to be waged alone. However, I feel like you reaching out and talking is already a giant first step that will inevitably work in your favour. I believe in you. I believe you can tackle this illness. I believe the future is bright for you.

I'm happy to hear you like this blog. It's a safe space you can always return to. And I promise you can always count on me to give my best and try to make it a tad lighter.

Love,

Thank you so much for your compliment and this ask. This is the reason for this blog's existence. I'm glad you stopped by <3

Firstly, you need a proper assessment from a professional in any case.

Other than that, do you remember a time, a point when you began to change? What was your life like then, what were the circumstances?

1. Stress can trigger a mood episode, but the criteria for mood disorders are complicated. Bipolar is actually in nature biological, and while your brain chemistry can change when there is a trigger present, it is liable to change without any obvious factors.

If however, there was an event in your life, you may look at personality disorders or other trauma related conditions.

2. When you are assessed for mood disorders, biological factors have to be excluded in the first place. You need some sort of a brain scan, a blood test, and even an ultrasound of the thyroid is encouraged. Many physical ailments cause severe mood and personality changes. So I urge you to try and press medical professionals for as many tests as you can get to rule out any other conditions and get some peace of mind.

If you get a psychiatric referral you will probably need to do some tests, but the thing with mania is, that by default it has to end with hospitalisation or some other intervention. Mania is progressive, and while the progress can be excruciatingly slow, it tends to lead to psychosis. Mainly due to the patient's lack of sleep.

3. I'm not trying to deny your experiences, quite the opposite. I think it's extremely important for you to find answers whatever they may be. People get stuck in an episode for years, but that is rare. It is also hard for someone who lives in a supportive environment and is part of some system, to slip unnoticed with months-long mania.

Think of a person who loses all inhibitions, changes personality, develops toxic mannerisms, mood swings, has outbursts, strange beliefs, and erratic behaviour. Mania is loud and obvious and takes up space.

I think of hypomania as a sort of shadow. It really creeps up on you and it's there and obvious when you look at it. But not as obvious as mania's bright light. When you have the means and the space, you can stay hypomanic, with relatively mild consequences for years. There are plenty of cases to support this. Most notably from wealthy artists who used their hypomania for creative binges.

BUT.

4. The criteria for this disorder is not objective. It depends entirely on individual and their interpretation. For example. My friend sleeps on average 9 hours per night. If she would suddenly reduce sleep to 6 hours, for weeks, along with other symptoms, I would be concerned. HOWEVER. That doesn't apply to me, since my average is 7 hours. See?

There is no obvious right answer because it's not a black and white issue. People change and evolve, especially in their developmental years, they can endure great transformations. Largely due to environmental factors.

5. If you take all of this into account and try to see yourself as objectively as possible, you might reach several conclusions. But understand this, if any of your troubles lower or even prevent your daily functioning you are experiencing something ABNORMAL. And you need help.

Whether or not the symptoms are of a clinical level can be decided by your performance in day-to-day life. Again, please note that some people are high functioning. That means that their suffering is great, but at the same time much less visible, since they compensate with other methods, usually harmful in other ways.

6. The reason why I hate these questions is that it's impossible for anyone to answer. I also tend to offend people or invalidate their emotions. That is never my intention. We just live in times when having a mental illness can be 'cool'. And usually people who think like that do suffer greatly, but lack the skills to communicate properly or get help for themselves. And I feel so awful about it. You don't have to wait for your leg to fall off to visit a doctor. The same goes for your mental health. If something feels off, that's a valid feeling that needs to be addressed. You deserve proper assessment and proper care.

7. And if in the end, it's not bipolar, your journey doesn't just stop. Many people go to therapy to find someone to help them sort through this mess and find words for feelings and experiences. But the possibilities of what is going on here are endless and I don't wish to speculate.

We feel like we need to earn the right to hurt. Like we need to reach the rock bottom or the boiling point to get the help. So please take this answer as an encouragement and validation to take action and seek help.

8. In the meantime try to flip through some clinical resources. Maybe get a better understanding of what a personality is and the difference between a mood and a feeling. That might help you sort you experiences and categorize it. Get some reading material or maybe try movies and shows that feature bipolar. Try to get a general idea of what mania and hypomania are.

9. My personal experience is that I only know, as in, I am only completely aware of who I am, when in an episode. When I'm manic I'm a god. Whatever the flavor of mania, whatever the hyperfixiation, it's always above everything-feelings, thoughts, motions...

When I'm depressed I'm a worthless piece of shit that shouldn't be allowed clean space and fresh water. I literally lose myself in negativity, passiveness and sleep. Complete opposite to my energetic and ecstatic manic self.

But when in a stable phase? No idea. I can't pinpoint personality like that, only some characteristics and interests. I go through things and I'm fluid, changing with life and the environment I'm in. This is a big issue, I confess, but I try to just discover myself, what feels right and what doesn't.

I also never had an episode that lasted longer than two months, because I always ended up in the hospital. The only thing that lasted 6 months was my first unmedicated depression (the thought of which still absolutely terrifies me).

I'm sorry for this long and half-witted response, but I don't feel adequate to answer any differently. I feel as if it was 7 years ago, when I began the journey of diagnosing, and the pain it caused. I only wish I had asked, talked to someone, before everything unfolded. I wish you the very best and hope to be of support in the future, whatever you need.

As my queen Carrie Fisher once said, Be scared and do it anyway.

Love always,

x

Hi, thanks for stopping by 👋

Self-awareness is in many ways impossible to grasp when struggling.

Both mania and depression distort the lenses. and most often we don't understand the depth of our episodes until we come out of them.

Of course, despite the nature of such episodes, experiences help, but even then. How do we get rid of so-called impostor syndrome? The beliefs that it's not that bad or that we're exaggerating or even faking? No, seriously I need to know.

For me at least, mania is the hardest to ward off and the hardest to accept treatment for.

I think mania can be straightforward in the sense that it's usually followed by reduced need for sleep. So when you wake up super early or go to sleep much later than usual, the bell has to ring and a doctor has to be summoned. It really is easier said than done I fear. Why would anyone want to get rid of that ecstatic excitement...

1. Routine as the holy grail

Oh boy. I fear I hate routines. But when my life is spinning out of control and I'm the one spinning it, what helps is knowing how my daily life is supposed to look and somewhat looks when stable.

2. sleep

Reduced sleep for several nights in a row? Contact your doctor. Increased need for sleep or lethargy for several days? Contact your doctor. Bipolar disorder is also a disorder of circadian rhythm, which means that our biological clock is in a permanent state of wackiness. Any changes in the previous routine can wreak havoc.

3. The team will probably have an answer

Whether you stick to a treatment plan or attend therapy or see any kind of health provider, asking them is always the best bet.

4. Journaling and mindfulness and other granola things

It works. Even yoga. Because you start to listen to your body, your feelings, and stop running away from moments and compensating with activities... when you're in tune with yourself and understand triggers, you can reach out faster.

5. Have a list and share it

my list?

Less than 4 hours of sleep for 3 consecutive nights.

More than one person asks me if I'm okay or points out symptoms.

Working all the time or stopping work.

Any new additions (clothing, hobby, religious practices...).

Fights with friends or a partner.

Stranger than usual thoughts (from I'm the best to I was given a mission on this Earth).

etc.

If I can confirm 3 things(reduced need for sleep is a must) then I need to contact my doctor.

6. Help for depression but mania?

Oh yes, depressed me loves taking new meds and rot in rest-induced coma, eating nothing but stew and dreading going to the bathroom.

But manic me? Even slightly hypomanic me? Did you mean me when cured?

Impossible. Sadly I always need an intervention of some kind. Usually a friend or a partner.

7. The terms of this disorder

Maybe it's true that none of us consented, but still, the reality and nature of bipolar illness is a lack of insight when in an episode. We can try and learn and understand but for some, mania alone is a reason to refuse treatment. It's another one of those evils that come with it.

I'm so sick of preaching acceptance, it makes me feel like such a hypocrite when I often refuse. But I feel like this could be a lot longer since there are many issues to be tackled and discussed. For example, health care providers are always rather safe than sorry. But unnecessary hospitalisations can make a person worse (obviously). These so-called interventions can make a sufferer become wary of those around them, and learn to hide symptoms better or cope with substances.

This is truly a complicated question that requires a well-supported educated answer. Of course, I cite my own experiences as sources. And while getting to know about your disorder from other forms of media is very encouraged and helpful, I believe that for some, recognising their mania will never be a realistic option.

We have stumbled on the territory of the illness and what it truly means to have an illness that you can't control.

But know that you are not alone, that as long as you breathe you have won, you are doing your best. All of us deserve a hug and so much more for this shit we have to deal with. Truly a devilish side of the disorder. I'm very proud of us all.

If you need anything else, don't hesitate to reach out. Hold onto yourself, chin up.

<3 Love,

Hey there,

thanks for stopping by.

Complicated matters like such are never linear and vary greatly from one individual to another. I think it's unrealistic for a newly diagnosed person to comprehend the vastness of the term and all that falls underneath. But then, in a strange way, life just goes on...

You can ask yourself questions, Who was I before? What were my hobbies, my interests, who did I like or dislike? What would others say about my personality, what does my family love about me? ...

And I think you can go as far back as you remember to just explore yourself and even try new things, to see what clicks. With a 'fake it till you make it' attitude.

Gradually, you put the diagnosis aside, and it's not who you are anymore (though at first, you kinda have to broaden your self-definition). Your mind doesn't wander around it daily and you stop perceiving others in terms like who is 'normal'. It's almost as if you forgot about it, for a few seconds, and then for a few hours...

I think of my diagnosis as an old friend I left behind. Most of the time I don't think about it. But then something reminds me, and it can be sentimental or painful (as lost friendships usually are), and soon my mind is completely consumed, riddled with past experiences and emotions, feeling everything so fully.

There are nights and moments when it's okay to wallow in self-pity a bit, cry and regret the life you could have lived. But there also have to be times when you force yourself (through gritted teeth and self-defiance) to acknowledge your own strenght, longevity, power, beauty... and the rare gifts the illness might bestow upon you (it is never just black or white).

Before life sweeps you again into its whirlwinds of regularity, worries, and people. And it just goes like that, you realise you survive by breathing, and letting moments unfold.

Finally, what even is acceptance? Would I have accepted myself in other circumstances? Probably not. People aren't just one thing. Or still water. We change, flow, grow, in all directions, daily and through all seasons. But we have today and our choices and our goodness.

Very good question, but very hard to answer.

Hope I didn't disappoint too much, and I wish you all the best, truly, and especially peace. All the love,

Someone I trusted once told me maybe it wasn't psychosis but my becoming a medium for spirits.

Thank you for asking.

First of all, since this is mostly a relationship issue, I'd like to say it's pointless to speculate. There are two sides, always. And I'm certainly not in a position to make any definitive answers.

It sort of reminds me of the experience, when a person with bipolar gets legitimately angry and another asks: have you taken your meds?

What I want to say is that sometimes illness itself triggers fights and breakups and all that. But it's hard to know, right?

When I broke up with my ex, he accused me of being manic. In retrospect, his point could be valid. Because in relationships one partner may not perceive issues in the same way as the other. Everyone's deal breakers are different.

But I learned that if you manage your illness (or attempt to) things get much easier. So I think it's a valid question to ask yourself whether they are managing their symptoms in whatever way, and if not, it may be an episode acting up.

If that's the case, I hate to tell you, it makes being in a relationship much harder. You can't save someone if they refuse to help themselves. You will end up ruining your own mental health in the process.

If they are managing their illness in whatever way they can, then I feel it's the same as with everyone, meaning communication is key. With time, you learn about each other's needs, and with support and empathy, I think most problems are easily solved.

You obviously care a lot, and I can understand there is an additional stress when it comes to dating someone with bipolar. For my partner, the resilience comes from their self-respect and self-love, while also cherishing me. They decided a long time ago that my illness would never be a deal breaker, but would only require more patience. But this is my personal life and my partner's choice.

There's wonderful literature in regards to this, Julie Fast wrote a book on relationships and bipolar (Loving someone with bipolar) to help partners in particular. Plus, I think when in a relationship you should definitely try to learn about the illness, because it could help with uncertainty.

My personal belief is that episode or not, we must respect wishes of others (unless they're an obvious danger to themselves or others) and your partner made their wishes pretty clear. It does suck, however, but you seemed to have done all you could.

Perhaps this time can be used for introspection, rethinking your boundaries and needs. Whatever the future holds for your relationship, you have to love yourself too and you have to consider yourself as well.

I think this is as much as I can articulate my thoughts, but if I can do anything else, please let me know. I really do wish you both the best and I'm always happy to see partners that try to understand.

Love,

Yes, absolutely. Happy to offer an advice or perspective as a person with illness who is in a long-term relationship.

Even if they were a magic, side-effects free formula, I still wouldn't take them consistently.