Thy Will Be Done

What I am about to say is unfair, but it’s what I am feeling right now. My raw, true emotions. 

This is a letter to the woman I adored. To the woman I tried to reconnect with back in 2014. The woman I always call “Koyaaa”.

Sometimes I dream of you, and last night, when I slept with heartache and anger, I dreamt of you. I still have a lot of what ifs and regrets in my mind and in my heart. What if I listened to you back in 2022, after I committed suicide? What if I am still single and we still have that constant communication? What if you and I didn’t get married? We had plans to drink coffee at Starbucks because you owe me coffee. Go to a beach. I had plans to visit your mom. What if I was given the chance to love you… 

My mom loved you and admires you for your artwork. I miss messaging you in the morning and at night. Calling you and leaving voice messages. Sending you flowers, and most of all, I miss our conversations. It’s not a secret that I like you, and most of all, I love you.

This letter is unfair, and the world is unfair.

With the recent fight, I question myself. Am I really capable of loving?

Because of my suicide, I left a scar in her that every time we fight, she cannot leave me and do her thing because she is afraid that I would hurt myself. The emotional blackmail I have instilled on her. Now I question myself, am I really capable of loving?

With burst of emotions on the last fight, because of anger, I hurled our center table without thinking. Triggering her childhood trauma on how her father physically abused her mom. The emotional stress I have given. I know I am not his father nor I can hurt her physically, but what am I thinking? Hurling that table it could have hit her! I could have hurt her physically! Am I really capable of love?

Is there a second life?

I am sorry that this marriage was failure…

Hurtful words were said… rings returned…. The fairy tail wedding is now gone.