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So many of you are struggling and I am so sorry you are not able to fine peace with your bodies.

I sincerely hope you find yourself someday in the future, eating and smiling and laughing with no guilt or shame and you can look at your body and still feel confident and beautiful because you truly are.

Your weight or physical appearance have nothing to do with your lovely soul and your energy and how the most important people in your life will view you. Anyone who thinks they know different can fuck right off.

Allowing myself to eat on days I want to starve is very fucking hard. The only reason I’m doing it is because starving always always always always leads to binging. I’m sick of binging. I’m done with binging.

Not allowing myself to go hungry is such a strange feeling. It makes me feel like I’m not making any weight loss progress when in reality, time will show that it is. I’m doing 1200 calories a day which already feels like a lot. And I’m 16 hour intermission fasting to keep me from snacking in the evenings. I’ve gone on 3 long walks (with stairs 🥵) this week and I’m aiming for 2-3 hours of excercise per week minimum.

It’s going to take like 2-3 weeks to see a difference in my body and weight that could usually take me 4-6 days of starving. But what’s the point if I just binge eat and gain it all back. This 4-6 days of suffering were useless. The time that passes so slowly with weight loss anyway will finally be worth it, and will actually stick. On top of that, I’ll have energy? Sleep better? Have less depressive episodes? My body will finally be functioning for the first time in years? Eating doesn’t sound as bad as it used to anymore and I can’t wait until food and dieting isn’t on my mind 24/7.

It sucks because after binging for 2-3 days I typically starve for the rest of the days and lose the weight again. (And then binge and gain, then starve and lose then binge then starve and binge...) And this time it isn’t coming off so quickly. And I don’t feel good about my body right now. I’ve lost a bit since my binged but not as much as I’m used to by now. But I know that by not starving myself, I will lose the weight and more, and keep it off. I just have to treat myself better. It’s so hard I just want to spiral and self destruct again.

I have to remind myself that starving only causes me to gain weight. It’s a cycle that’s hard to break after 8 years but I want to lose the weight. And I’ve done a lot of reading about weight loss and binging and the only way to stop binging and lose weight is to eat. And cutting ties with “bad” foods or “restricted” foods. You can have a chocolate bar, damnit. You can have some cheesy nachos, garlic bread or pizza it’s all just about portion sizes, and eating whole healthy foods most of the time and allowing treats every now and again so when you binge you don’t eat 4000 calories in 4 hours worth of pizza and brownies and fries and all the stuff you’ve been craving for months cause lord knows how many fucking times I’ve done that and feel so so so guilty about the waste of food and time and money that comes from binging.

Its also learning to listen to my body when I’m hungry and especially when I’m full, but also find different ways to feed my boredom and terrible loneliness and depression. Which is the hardest part. Jobless, living alone with an eating disorder is fucking hard and the only reason I am recovering is because my boyfriend has inspired me so much. Him taking care of himself makes me want to. I want a better healthy future. I want to lose this weight healthily and finally feel good about my body because I’m taking care of it instead of feeling good about destroying it. He is the only support I’ve ever had with my eating disorder and I thank him so much. Nobody’s ever listened or understood about it. I had no friends or family I could tell. I told my ex a couple times and he was worthless when it came to supporting me. And I will eventually tell my family, I just feel like such a burden already and I don’t want my sensitive mother to blame herself because she always has had body image and food/weight loss issues that definitely imprinted on me. But I’m hoping that when I recover I can help her and talk to her about it too.

Never really thought I’d start trying to recover this soon but I don’t want to die anymore and I want to be able to be there for my friends and loved ones with the shit they’re going through instead of not being able to because my own shit is in the way.