Texts from Uncle Walter @textsfromunclewalter - Tumblr Blog

Uncle Walter, sleep talking: “Oh, good.” (Said quite sarcastically)

Me: “What?”

UW: “You were shopping for vegetables in the bathroom.”

Me: “Ew.”

UW: “I don’t want toilet vegetables.”

Me: “I mean, neither do I.”

UW: “Where do those grapes really come from? Wait, that’s fruit.”

#uncle walter #sleep talking #why is it always about food?#how tf can he distinguish between fruits and vegetables IN HIS SLEEP?#that takes some talent #that man’s dream life must be hilarious #how can he convey sarcasm in his sleep?

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Uncle Walter, sleep talking: “Please stop trying to take my recorder.”

Me: “Tape or musical instrument?”

UW: “I have a concert.”

Me: “Oh, god, I’m going to have to listen to Seasons of Love again, aren’t I?”

UW: “You have to go to my concert.”

Me: “Noooooo. Not Seasons of Love again.”

UW: “You have to.”

Me: *sigh*

#uncle walter #sleep talking #at least it’s not about food #I have been to so many school concerts #and they ALWAYS play or sing Seasons of Love #also there is no torture quite as annoying as a *recorder concert*

15 minutes late, but:

Happy *twenty-first* birthday to The Kid! Super proud of you. I’m sure the day wouldn’t have been so anticlimactic if people had been carding you before. Alas!

Keep being awesome!

#the kid #happy birthday #happy 21st birthday #family

“Lots of ‘Security by Obscurity’ today.”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#sleep talking #uncle walter #at least it’s not about food

UW: “I will get you all the used dental floss you could possibly need.”

Me: “I really don’t need any, but thank you?”

#uncle walter #sleep talking #at least it’s not about food #it’s food adjacent

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“I’m so glad you’re not incompetent with a blender.”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#sleep talking #uncle walter #is this about food?#why is it always about food?

“If you don’t bury the apples the caramel is going to melt.”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#sleep talking #uncle walter #why is it always about food?

“Why did you buy all the donuts?”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#uncle walter #sleep talking #why is it always about food?

“That’s why the turnip is green.”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#sleep talking #uncle walter #why is it always about food?

“Don’t put sour cream in the Oreos.”

— Uncle Walter, sleep talking

#sleep talking #uncle walter #why is it always about food?#oreos

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My kids, they really get me. 😆

In case you don’t know why this is hilarious, here’s some context.

Gotta keep people from assuming the worst somehow!

— The Wife

#the kid #tw: death #but it’s funny not sad #the kid gives the best gifts #mostly hazel #Zelly Thomas #not dead just asleep #not dead just napping #insomnia sucks #I still don’t know how this happened TWICE #I snore REALLY LOUDLY too #so how they thought I was dead is beyond me

On February 10, 2023 we accomplished yet another goal. We managed to raise our second (and last!) child to adulthood without horribly traumatizing them!

The Boy is funny, kind, compassionate, empathetic, and sincere. He has struggled through and overcome a lot of adversity, and we are so proud of the man he has become.

We could not have asked for better companions for this journey. It’s been 18 years of awesome, just like your shirt says. Happy Birthday!

#the boy #happy birthday #so proud #proud of you!#can’t believe you’re an ADULT #still my baby tho

I can spell Kluski noodles. He can’t spell “you.” 😆

#funny texts #texts #bad texts #uncle walter #texting #texts from uncle walter #bad texting #funny texting

I understood everything except “diet loops” and then, after I called him to translate, got mad at myself because it was super obvious.

#funny texts #texts #bad texts #uncle walter #texting #texts from uncle walter #bad texting #bad text #funny texting

Today is the Weird Anniversary™️ of the day UW and I met. Twenty-five years!

The 25th anniversary present is silver, so this was perfect.

Praise be Quob’s name, R’amen!

#uncle walter #another weird anniversary #we have so many anniversaries #twenty-five years #church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster #quob #pastafarian #pastafarianism

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#texts #bad texts #funny texts #uncle walter #texting #texts from uncle walter #bad texting

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