En route to...

may has been a hell of a month. very interesting ups and incredibly devastating downs. today i couldn’t throw out this loaf of bread in my fridge because i bought it before tommy died and i thought if i threw it out i was throwing him out. grieving is a weird process. at least the 6 cold sores that were festering on my lip are finally gone. i’d never had them until this month and my best friend’s mom said it was probably stress. 

i’ve been to more catholic masses in the past year than in my entire life. while we baptized my nephew i kept asking god why he took away people that meant the world to my friends and family and he didn’t have an answer and i realized it was because i can’t believe in a being doing something so heinous and cruel. 

in may i grew even further from religion than i imagined. i remembered pleading on church steps to friends years ago asking them why he would take away judy and all they could say was that they would “pray for me.” it didn’t take the fact away that judy is dead. i stopped going to church and they stopped being my friends.

today a friend posted a memorial video for an acquaintance that committed suicide and i cried into my pillow for an hour and stared at my phone until everything became blurry. while i didn’t really know jacob i am still incredibly devastated for my friends and especially my boyfriend. i don’t know how he keeps it together so well and i always try to let him know its ok to still be upset about this without invading his privacy. i cry a lot lately and i worry that he doesn’t enough. 

i got a raise. and then the day after, i got so sick i had a fever and couldn’t breathe. i still don’t have my car back after some idiot in a truck plowed right into me because he “just didn’t see me.” i quit my second job so now i only work 8-5. these things seem minuscule now.

i’m moving to austin and i went to visit and i cried some more because i was so happy there and it felt wrong after everything that has happened this month. the first thing that everyone asks me is how i’m going to do long distance with my boyfriend, not my ambitions and where my career is taking me and what my dreams could possibly be for my new position at my company. i don’t think they would ask a man the same questions.

my grandmother sent me money to buy a blanket because she can’t finish knitting the one she started for me. her left hand doesn’t work well anymore. i can’t help but think someone is going to rip the rug right out from under me and take her away. i wish she hadn’t sent me money. my mom told me to call her to thank her and to ask her to teach me how to finish the blanket but i don’t want to cry on the phone about her getting old and i haven’t deposited the check because i can’t accept this new reality. 

i listen to a lot of julien baker now.  my roommate doesn’t know how to clean up her dishes and then complains about our shitty apartment. i guess i should have known she was gross. i lay in bed for hours when i get home and stare at my wall. i simultaneously don’t want to talk to anyone and want someone to come and talk to me. my mom only talks about what’s going on in her life and asking me about mine is an after thought. i should go talk to a professional but i keep forgetting to pay my health insurance and who knows if i’ll even have my obamacare in a few months.