My Alternate Life

Sometimes you think everything is falling apart around you. You're sad...you're mad...you think to yourself "the hits just keep on coming." That's been my week. But then you have to step back and remember what's right in front of your face. You remember that you have people in your life that love you unconditionally. You see their smile and you feel their hug and in that moment you know that no matter what happens....you're gonna be ok. Maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow....but you will because you always are. So you put a smile on your face and you laugh thru the tears.

It’s been one day since it ended. I’m okay. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t get sad. I didn’t cry. I did nothing. You said you needed a break from this. I felt my stomach drop as I read those words. I said okay. I started to send you a message last night and then I erased it. Is it really over? I think so. When does it hit me because in all reality I don’t think it has. But maybe I’ll defy the odds and I won’t get sad. I can only hope to be that lucky.

When you told me these words last month I didn’t want to hear them. But today I’m thinking this is exactly what I need. It’s never gonna be you and I. That wasn’t what this was about. But I also know I love you. So I need to distance myself just a bit. I just need to remember what’s in front of me and learn to love that again. It may also mean making a decision about us that I don’t really want to make but you have no problem showing me time and time again thru your pics that you’re happy with your wife. Time for me to let myself be happy with my husband again. Just a break. That’s all.

I'm trying to prepare myself to let go. I just don't know how I'm gonna do it because I don't want to. But I just can't keep on. He changed his pic to him and his wife. It made me feel like shit. As soon as he did it he text me to see if I was ok. I tried to say I was but I had to admit I wasn't. I hated that. I can't keep doing that to myself. I did this to myself. Why am I so stupid? What did I think was gonna happen? Did I think he was gonna fall in love with me? Oh gosh....it's gonna hurt so much. How do I prepare myself for that? How do I make myself ok with the fact that my heart is gonna break and I'm just going to have to ride the pain out.

You just left. I’m laying here and I can still smell you. It’s gonna be over soon. It’s gonna make me sad because I know I love you. I also know the reality. I know I keep saying it because I know I have to. It’s the only way I know how to keep myself sane. But the reality of it just set in. I have fallen in love with him. I didn’t want him to leave. So I have to tell him goodbye. I have to end it with some sort of dignity left.

In three days I’m going to see you. All we’ve been talking about is sex. So much….but it’s okay. I like doing that with him. I’ve spoken to him all week except Wednesday. But each day on the phone…even if it was only got a little while. Today we talked for an hour and a half. It was so good. But he told me how sometimes he thinks his wife is talking to someone else. He got quiet. Maybe even a little sad. I don’t know. He said it again that him and I were going to end ugly. Because one of us was not going to want it to end. I told him that we both knew it was going to end at some point. I knew this and he knew this and we had to be ok with it. It was such a good conversation. But he’s right…it’s gonna get ugly and it sucks. I love him. I realized it today that I am in love. Never was supposed to happen. I can’t wait to see him. I know this trip is just about sex and that’s okay. The rest we seem to get thru our text or phone calls. If has to be about sex during our time. Our limited time. Because it’s not a normal relationship. I don’t know what’s gonna happen after this trip. I know that it might be the last time and I know I’m gonna be thinking about that when I see him. It’s gonna make me sad. But at the same time I’m so happy that I do get to see him. I really am and he seems to be happy too. I still remember when he said “I hope you can stay happy.”

You stood behind me with your arms around me…you got close to my face and said…I love you. That was all that happened. That’s all I wanted to hear. That’s all I need to let go. It’s too bad it was only in a dream.

...I guess it's gonna have to hurt...I guess I'm gonna have to cry... Just for a minute tonight I didn't want to tell you goodnight. That had never happened before. It took everything in me to send a semi decent message to you. I realized today that I don't trust you. I trust nothing about this situation at all. You put the doubt in my mind. You went out tonight and wouldn't tell me with who. You loved every minute of it. You laughed. ...and let go of some things I've loved...to get to the other side... What have I become??? Someone I don't recognize. I was asked today...aren't you tired??? I am getting so tired. My only response is that I don't want to end it because I don't want to be sad. What a pathetic answer. ... I guess it's gonna break me down...like falling when you try to fly... I love you. I can't pretend I don't. But I don't have a good enough reason anymore to risk my entire home life for it. It was never about leaving our spouses. But I wanted to win. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be the one that you wanted. Not because I wanted you but because I wanted to win. ...it's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life...starts with goodbye. But maybe I did want you. Maybe I wanted the idea of it. But I can't keep on. I don't have it in me anymore to keep on with the charade of being someone I'm not. It's gonna be an ugly break up. I knew this from the start. It has to be in order for me to let it go. I know it's gonna hurt like hell. Im gonna cry so much. I'm gonna be so sad. It's gonna suck to see you on FB. It's gonna take awhile to get over. Because I'm gonna lose. I'm supposed to see you in two weeks and I knew already it was going to be the last time. But I don't know anymore if I am. I have to end this because I'm sitting her already so sad. You're not the one. You never were. It was never about happily ever after with you. But I wanted you to love me. ...time, time heals...the wounds you feel... I wanted you to love me so I could win.

Last night I dreamt of HS. I was looking for you. You were there somewhere but never quite where I was. So I kept looking. Then I was in my car and O gets in. In an instant I layed down on him. Just had my head on his lap. We talked. I asked him what he thought of me and you. He told me he tries not to think about it. I asked him why did he say he had no problem with it. I told him I was mad that he didn't say anything. He said I didn't see the texts. I said I did...you sent me the screen shot. He said there was more. I told him to prove it. Then I couldn't find my phone to show him what you sent and I was getting frustrated. Such a weird dream. But once again I went back to him with no hesitation. Just like normal. Straight to his arms. Literally. Am I mad that he just let you have me? Hurt? Probably...but what else could he really do? Say no...he had no right to and he knows it. Out of nowhere I dream about him. It always goes back to him. Everytime. You always say I still love him. I always tell you I don't. The last time you said...that's right you love me now. Twice recently you said I loved you. Yet...I've never denied or confirmed. But I do...I know I do. I just can't say it to you. As for O...I always will somewhere in me. Forever.

It’s been tough. I won’t lie. So little communication. It’s really sucked. I kept looking for the message on my phone that never came when I wanted it to. But you told me goodnight. And as much as I wanted it to be enough it wasn’t. Then last night happened. You knew I was out and I told you goodnight. Then you started texting so much. All I wanted to do was reply but there I was with my husband. I took too long at one point and it upset you. I just missed you so much this week. I told you I did. I almost hate to say too much because I don’t want to give the impression that it’s becoming too much for me. We both know how you read into those things. But I do. Two weeks I’ll be able to see you again and I’m afraid that I already know that it’s going to be the last time. Do you know it too? I don’t think so. Not yet, but you’ll figure it out. You’re a smart man. I just know that I’ve fallen. Sometimes, every so often, I think you have also. But you won’t admit it or ever tell me. I wish you would. I just miss you.

So I was thinking about this today. I love him. I do. I love him knowing I shouldn't. I love him knowing how it ends. I love him knowing we're married to other people. I love him knowing that it's all gonna go to shit and we will never be friends after it's all said and done. This love counts though. It counts because I let myself feel it knowing full well the consequences of it. I knew better. It counts because it's real. It's not like your first love or puppy love when you just don't know any better and you let yourself fall madly and deeply into it. You do all the silly things with that kind of love because you just don't know any different. You aren't afraid to make a fool of yourself because you blame it on your heart. It's different when your older because you know right from wrong. You know it's wrong to stray when your married. You know it's wrong when you still continue to do it knowing it shouldn't have started in the first place. You know it's wrong when you get more and more brave with the amount of time you spend trying to communicate with the other person. But this love counts because you chose to continue with it knowing all this. This love counts because you felt it as an adult when all your love should've been given to your spouse. This love counts because it made you happy and sad. It made your heart feel like a school girl again and yet it broke your heart like it hadn't been broken since then either. Oh heart...you're in for a hell of a ride. You're on the verge of being broken like you've never been broken. You're gonna cry like you haven't cried in so long. The kind of crying that has you on the floor. The kind of crying that makes you physically sick and unable to breathe. The pain will be excruciating. Your whole being will feel like you've been hit by a freight train. You're going to question as to whether you'll ever be okay again. You'll cry in the car...In the shower...in bed...at work...you'll cry until you have no tears left but the tears will come again when you hear that song or have a flashback or replay a conversation. All this will happen because this love counts. It counts.

You leave for Alabama tomorrow. You called me at work and we had a great conversation. You made a comment about me getting mad at R yesterday. You said I get mad at small things and not mad at the big things. Then you said that this gives you a little insight as to how I really am. It makes you wonder if this is the way I’ll be in our future. There you go saying stuff like that when you can’t even admit outloud your feelings for me. Then you asked when my vacation was and you asked me…I guess you want to see me huh? This after yesterday when you told me we could never do anything again because it was gonna be too hard for me and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Then you brought up O and you told me I loved him and I said no I didn’t and you said no you don’t because you love me now. I just laughed. You see all this was good and then tonight you got mad because you said I could’ve kept talking to you and I didn’t now you weren’t gonna talk to me until you got back. You see…why R...why do you do that? You build me up only to tear me down.

You told me those words last night. These past couple of days have been rough. You said we needed to take a break. I didn't get mad. I didn't say anything mean. I said okay. You were so disappointed in me. My weight...my lack of motivation...my obvious disregard of what you want for me. You want me to have the will and determination that you have. I know you want what's best for me. You care...I almost need someone like this even though I try and fight it. But I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know how long this break is supposed to last. But I was getting sad. Because when it's all said and done................... I miss u too.