* honeyvoiced .

THIS BLOG IS NOW AN ARCHIVE . 

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐙𝐈𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄?

from eden

love for you is about   comfort and familiarity.   love is that feeling of coming home.   it’s about always finding a way back to each other no matter what,   because your love is stronger than what can keep you apart. 

‘ honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago ’ 

fits this so perfectly.   overcoming anything that has separated you,   but also there’s something so gentle and true about waiting at your lover’s doorstep.   it’s a pure connection of patience and belonging.   you have belonged together since the beginning of time,   and you feel that in your chest when you see them.   there’s a magical eternity there between your souls.

stolen from : @skyaches

——— AND  THEN  JUST  like  that,  inner  peace  was  restored.  her  presence  acting  as  it  always  did,  curative  to  disquieted  soul  that  so  longed  for  this  woman. a  year  wasted,  but  now  they  had  FOREVER  to  make  it  up.  shaky  breath,  the  words  he  had  yearned  to  always  hear:  that  he  was  WANTED.  hues  fluttering,  smiling  tenderly  as  she  so  sweetly  caresses  cheek.  “i  shall  endeavor  to  remember,  love.”  flickering  glance  to  full  lips,  hesitating  for  only  a  moment  (  knows  now  to  never  waver  in  his  ardor  for  her  ),  before  claiming  kiss.  digits  weaving  into  hair,  she  tastes  of  tea  &  he  wonders  how  he  ever  gave  this  up.  “i  love  you.”  murmured  when  james  finally  draws  back,  foreheads  touching  tenderly.  “i  love  you  more  than  words  could  ever  possibly  describe…dearest  girl,  can  you  ever  forgive  me  for  being  such  an  utter  fool?”  brushes  away  curls  that  fall  into  face,  touch  so  tender. 

“we’ll…we’ll  work  this  out  together,  but  now  i  know  i  just  want  to  be  with  you.  no  matter  what…maybe  that  makes  me  selfish  but—”  steals  another  kiss,  before  concerned  expression  passes  over  visage.  “you’re  still  sick,  hon.”  rising,  offer  hand  to  help  her  up.  “back  into  bed  with  you,  miss.”  suddenly  lifts  rette  into  his  arms,  making  way  towards  bedroom.  “shall  i  be  your  nurse?  your  sexy  nurse?”  waggles  eyebrows,  before  laughing  (  when  was  the  last  time  he  done  that?  ).  “shall  i  make  you  more  tea?  order  food  for  us?”  deposits  rette  upon  bed.  “i’m  loath  to  leave  you  right  now…we  have  a  year  to  make  up  for.”

❝ i will remind you.   when i think you need it most as well as when you least expect it.   you  deserve  to know that you’re wanted . . ❞   knew that he may not always voice that he needed love  &  validation.   may be unspoken or he may not even be aware of his need.   hand stays upon scratchy cheek as he leans to kiss her.   god,   she had missed that.   had missed so many things about him  :  the way long arms tugged her sleeping form tight against him at night,   notes he left for her on the pillow the mornings he had to leave early,   hearing her name leave his lips.   instinctively,   body melts against his and feeling of fingers woven in her hair.   when he pulls away,   auburn lashes still rest upon her cheeks so eyes are closed.   ❝ and i love you, ❞   a moment’s hesitation before she calls him own nickname,   ❝ i love you,   jamie.   of course,  i have nothin’ to forgive you for.   you did what you thought was right and even though it might not have been,   you’ve  suffered enough  under own mind. ❞   nose brushes his. 

“ i hoped my sacrifice would seal the veil and i suppose it must have. for i see no spectres lurking in the night. ” it hurts, being this close. knowing in the end if he succeeds in his task set by morgana he will have to die again and leave her. leave the destruction wrought with his hands. lancelot is but a tool, now. being used in a way that he would never choose willingly.

her hands feel warm and he’s almost forgotten how such a thing would feel. he grasps her own and wonders if he’s cold to the touch. like death incarnate. “ i hope i am still accepted as a knight. for i cannot do much else. ”

❝ must have . . ❞   response is soft,  hardly above a whisper.   blue eyes shone watery from fighting off tears.   lancelot didn’t seem the same though she guessed that what he had been through could have done that to him,   she didn’t even understand the whole thing.   it was almost as if he had little emotion. 

——— TEARS  BEGIN  TO  fall  from  cornflower  hues,  trail  down  rosy  cheeks  (  and  his  heart  breaks  at  the  sight  ).  immediately  moving  to  sit  beside,  arms  pulling  lithe  body  to  his  form,  so  that  she  she  is  practically  sitting  ‘pon  lap.  “rette…i  didn’t  mean  for  any  of  this…please  i—”  cheek  pressed  to  crown,  gently  rocking  her  (  there  is  something  familiar  about  this,  but  memory  cannot  be  placed  exactly  ).  “i  just  wanted  what  was  best  for  you,  because  i  loved…love  you.  i  thought  you  deserved  better  than  me.”

oh,  what  had  he  done?  foolish  man,  thinking  he  had  done  the  right  thing,  but  it  hadn’t  been,  had  it?  brought  them  more  pain  than  they  deserved,  all  because  of  his  want  to  be  SELFLESS.  “you….were  doubting?”  isn’t  that  just  the  final  nail  in  the  coffin?  that  cruel  twist  of  the  knife  in  back?  it  had  all  been  for  NOTHING:  a  year  wasted,  one  they  could  never  get  back.  “oh  rette…”  murmured  into  hair,  own  tears  beginning  to  glisten  within  emerald  eyes  (  had  never  cried  in  front  of  her,  but  there  was  a  first  time  for  everything  ).  “i  need  you.  you  don’t  even  know  how  much  i  need  you.”

voice  cracks,  &  for  once  he  allows  emotions  to  be  seen.  “i’m  so  sorry…i’m  so  sorry  dear  girl…i  love  you  more  than  anything…i’ll  tell  the  publishers  i  have  to  move  back  here…i’ll  fight  the  bloody  contract,  anything  just…to  have  you  back.”  pulls  away  just  enough,  lifting  chin  so  they  are  gazing  into  each  other’s  eyes.  “please,  will  you  have  me  back?”

head tucks into crook of his neck  &  arms wrap around so fingers can  grasp  at the shirt on his back.   no longer did they deny each other the comfort that one another brings.   she feels small being rocked in his arms.   something that she had missed so much.   loved him more ardently and passionately than anything.   perhaps,   now more than ever they would be able to  express   it.   she doesn’t respond to his apologies  &  further explanation.   would have been muffled anyway between neck and her tears.   

only replies whenever he questions her   doubts.    ❝ not sure it was for me is all . . ❞   he didn’t need any more guilt to bear.   already blamed himself so badly for what has transpired between them.   of course,   it had been he who had separated them,  but could never make him feel worse than he already did especially not whenever he had done what was hoped would be best for her.   in theory,   it could have worked had she not already fallen so hard for him.   was a year wasted indeed  &  didn’t want another moment to be.   the rest of their days would be as happy as they could make it,   she would see to that and was sure that he would as well.   

——— FRIENDS.  THE  WORD  should  be  banished  from  their  vocabulary,  &  not  allowed  to  be  spoken  in  reference  to  one  another  (  for  it  hurts  ).  “we’ll  never  be  friends,  and  you  know  that.”  there  would  always  be  tension,  just  below  the  surface;  always  memories  from  the  past  playing  within  mind  in  remembrance  of  what  had  been.  “we’re  not  meant  to  be  friends.”  meant  to  be  LOVERS,  in  every  possible  lifetime  they  might  find  each  other.

“keep  it.  it’s  always  looked  better  on  you  than  me.”  grimaces  —  it’s  easy  to  forget  they’re  not  together,  when  they’re  together.  she  steps  back  from  him,  sitting  back  down  on  couch  &  it  feels  like  a  hint  to  leave  (  had  fulfilled  his  duty,  ).  “i’ll…let  your  parents  know…just…buy  a  phone  as  quick  as  you  can,  please.  you  worried  us.”  starts  to  move  towards  door,  but  stops  as  rette  speaks. 

he  had  hurt  her,  beyond  measure  (  had  hurt  himself  too,  which  at  the  time  seemed  the  price  to  pay  for  her  happiness  ).  only  now,  standing  in  darkened  flat  does  james  begin  to  truly  think  maybe  it  had  been  the  WRONG  choice.  man  of  selfless  nature,  had  truly  been  to  his  own  detriment  this  time….&  rette’s.  “it  wasn’t…i  was  trying  to  give  you  your  best  chance  at  happiness!  tell  me,  were  you  fulfilled  with  skype  calls?  could  you  really  have  endured  that  for  much  longer?  i  know  that  you  loved  me…but  what  if  i  wasn’t  the  best  choice?” 

but  the  confession  catches  james  off  guard  (  hadn’t  accepted  her  contract?  ),  has  him  suddenly  crossing  the  room  to  sit  on  his  knees  before  her,  taking  small  hands  into  his  much  larger  ones.   “don’t  throw  away  your  life  for  me.  your  teaching…your  shop…you  shouldn’t  have  to  do  that,  don’t  you  realize?  i  could  NEVER  ask  you  to  throw  everything  you’ve  worked  so  hard  for,  just  to  be  with  me  in  a  foreign  place.  even  though  i  still  love  you…i  couldn’t  do  that.  couldn’t  allow  it.”  breathes  out,  hands  still  held,  lifted  so  that  lips  may  brush  against  knuckle  (  does  he  shiver  from  the  cold,  or  from  the  contact  after  so  long?  ).  “i  love  you….but  don’t  throw  it  all  away  for  me…”

❝ no,   i know  . .   but the thought of somethin’ so  finite  as not havin’ you in my life at all.   can’t wrap my brain around it. ❞   tears that threatened to flow were finally released.   couldn’t even think of him not being around her ever again.   they lived this year apart as near ghosts,   trailing about life  &  throwing themselves into work as if that could fill the void.    ❝ weren’t designed to be  . .  friends. ❞  

at his compliment,   a laugh comes out mixed with sob.   how  effortlessly  he could still speak fondly of her though they weren’t together and hadn’t been for so long.   felt like  eons  they’d been apart.    ❝ i’d be inclined to disagree. ❞   would have normally said it looked better on the floor than on either of them.   but,   as much as she wished,   couldn’t bring herself to.   it would be cruel to  tease  for both of them.   air around them were always  electrified  with one touch from either of them igniting it.  

❝ i know you were,   so as much as it hurt i can’t even   blame   you.    and i can’t lie and say that i loved only seein’ you through screen.   i won’t,   but i also can’t live with never seein’ you again. ❞   sniffles were worsened by her crying and she doesn’t understand how he would even find her attractive in sick state.   she grabs for a tissue to try to feel less disgusted with herself.   and the further he moved from her vicinity the   deeper her pain grew.   this could be the legitimate last time she would see him,   not just some  looming threat  in their brains.   finite as mentioned earlier.   was different than all the other passing encounters  . . .   they actually talked  &  voiced all the pain they’d been harboring for a year.