i say this because abuse isn't always some harsh relationship devoid of any love and i feel like a lot of people have a hard time opening up about their situations because of it.

when i think of how my parents treat me and religion, i disagree with it, it traumatized me in plenty ways, however i genuinely could not say it was solely because they wanted to hurt me. i know it was out of love. that's what made it so hard to reconcile with.

they genuinely believe in an almighty god and a hell and a satan that wants to trick everybody and bring us down with them. they genuinely believe in a heaven filled with everything they've been lacking, and they want to see me there.

my mom came crying to me, in the middle of the night, and poured her heart out to me. my dad, who never cries, came to hug me and tell me how he puts my life in gods hands. that fucking terrified me. like nothing happened specifically that made them think i was going to hell, but just the thought of their child being sent to eternal torment was terrible for them because they love me.

i don't want full no-contact with him at all i want him in my life. but at the same time i don't know how that looks.

our first breakup never felt like a breakup cause we just went back to the same thing. it felt like we were still dating but just without the boyfriend part. if u wanna get technical we were gonna get married so it was just courting. but that's really not fair at all to play games like that. i don't know.

he said he was gonna ask to be boyfriends again on valentines day. i probably would've said yes in the moment even if i didn't have my shit together.

just looking back i don't like how i treated him. if i was someoen else, telling my friend "look we're not gonna date but we will do all this couple stuff" i would've told my friend to tell him to fuck off a long time ago.

also been on that aldi grind so they got like caesar salad kits with the dressing and breadcumbs and cheese and allat for like three bucks so that lasted me a week. so here i am again finding more recipes.

this week is a pasta salad. i need cold stuff to eat so when it popped on my dash it was curtains.

he has a knifw on him and puts it to my neck and uses his other hand to grab my arm and move me where he wants me without a fight. for some reason i already know what's coming. but he is completely silent the whole time. and so is the whole room. it feels embarrassing for me. he discards the knife when he's tied my arms behind my back. it was so quiet though. we fucked but there wasn't a sound, not even of the bed creaking. and i knew it was him atp but i don't know how because he never took his stuff off. the mask was halfway up his face but that was it. i don't know how i knew.

he didn't stay for dinner or anything like that when we finished and he didn't set me free. the knife wa sleft behind though. he walked out through the front door even though the window was still open.

"um guys stop being mean to REAL- i mean cis men :( they've lived their whole lives as guys so obviously they know more about passing than us fake boys :(("

this is such a reddit issue and the sub is already blocked and muted but cmoooon. there were so many bootlickers in those comments it pissed me off.

when it comes to passing, who am i better off believing: the 20 yr old cis man who just finished puberty or the 50 yr old stealth trans man that's built like a lumberjack and has lived his age twice. and like i know this is a logical fallacy but that is genuinely the crowds that fuckass sub attracts.

you tell a cis man you don't want his advice on how to preform masculinity and that's when the demons come out.

"umm whatever. it's YOU guys who are pretending to be US"

they reveal their true colors every single fucking time. No i'm not trying to be you, you're just a bitchass nigga that doesn't see trans men as men. not my problem. they're so fucking patronizing and have nothing of value to add to the topic of passing cause guess what, THEY'RE NOT TRANS.

"bokuto is so immature he is a terrible captain" SHUT THE FUCK UP.

fukurodani's whole thing is they dont need a traditional captain because they are already the fucking brain. people assume bokuto isn't a good captain because he isn't this smart plan maker like the rest of them but that completely goes against the point. he is the heart and soul of the team.

haikyuu showed us that ever member on the team is an excellent strategist. the issue is that they get in their own heads too often because they overthink. they need bokuto as the captain because he feels things 100% they need that energy to function at their most optimal capacity, and they know it because they fucking chose him as their captain.

like this whole dynamic is modelled through akaashi and bokuto!!!!! akaashi is constantly overthinking and it can PARALYZE them!!!! bokuto pulls him up out of it every time just by being himself. every team has their own philosophy and that is fukurodani's. just because bokuto isn't the standard doesn't mean that he isn't a good captain by his own merits.