(Old entries from Thua'eni's journal!)
Thua sits down at her desk, brushing a syring and some vials to the side as she sets the journal down, flipping it open. She reaches to the side and take a quil dipping it in ink before writing.
"Let this be my first record. My first written rememberance of my life. What has, what is, and what hopefully happens. I have Nikholai to thank for this, it was he who suggested it to begin with..."
Pasues and takes a breath, reaching over to fiddle around with the syringe, a dull red liquid dripping from it.
"Where should I begin? The begining of my memories? The recent tragedy? Perhaps I should have asked..."
Sighs as she sets the syringe down.
"I shall give a brief rememberance of my past to start... I can only remember living in Shattrath with my father. He was one of the leading architects for the city... Always so damn proud of it... I find it safe to say that he never loved me, there was never a instance of proof to that idea. He would only allow himself to teach me, I could rarely leave the house even! Always forcing me to study and study so I could bring HIM honor..."
Takes a breath as she runs a shaky hand over her face. drawing her thoughts back from a rant.
"... Needles to say I was well read idiot growing up. Common interaction was strange for me... So much of my life ruined. I will not lie and say that I grieved when he died. If anything I felt joy... The realization of freedom... Of course that came to me after I was finished fleeing the city. I still remember that priestess holding me and crying saying she was sorry for what I saw. I wish I could go and tell her to not be sorry... I felt nothing for the man who chained me."
Reaches over and picks up a cookie, poorly baked with a smile made of frosting. She smiles for a moment before taking a bite and continueing.
"The years following that were... Rather uneventful. I shared the common story of many of my people. Running and hiding became our lives. Architects became a luxory many wanted, and so I soon found myself with title. Not that I am complaining mind you... It was long before I finally begain paying visit to the Exodar. I met the order there, it was rather humerous in all manners. The grandanchorite kept assuming I was with them until I finally joined."
laughs lightly as she finishes off the cookie.
"I met Moti, Nikholai, Rebraal, Ikurus, and Lyya there... I can call them family with no distaste to the word I find. The orders "Trial of mercy" was a rather... Different experience for me. Though some good came of it, mainly meeting Ne'mi afterwards... the girl had held my hat at blackmail in order for me to adopt her for a week... I found I ended up loving her and adopted her permantly. I will give her a life of oppertunity and choices."
Smiles at her thoughts and runs a hand through her hair.
"... I suppose I should speak on why I am writing now shouldnt I? I had been asked to lead a group of architects around Outlands... Fixing and redesigning many structures. It was supposed to take four to five days only. My group consisted of myself, three other draenei architects, a dwarf architect, two vindicators, and a death knight. I choose the death knight for personal reasons... She was one who struck fear into many just by seeing her. Protection through intimidation."
Draws out her sigh as she flips a page.
During the travels I became rather close friends with one of my fellows. A female named Mi'lala, a name I plan to steal for my first biological child. She was everything I could imagine a true Draenei female needing to be... Regal, polite, humorus, beuatiful, and happy... No matter what she was always happy... We had finished up in Terokkar forest and were heading to the humans fortress in Hellfire..."
Takes a shakey breath as she continues... She should have saved some cookie...
"... We didnt stand a chance. The death knight was ahead of us scouting when they came... I remember turning to the sounds of wolves as they rode over one of the vinsicators, I only pray his death was by blade, his screams were the first into the air from my party... The dwarf fell next,he managed to choke a wolf to death though. Thats something I can check off my list of things to see I guess..."
Gives a disenheartened laugh
"sorry. Had some dark humor to help with coping.. The two other Draenei fell next. Ran through as the orcs laughed and taunted myself, Mi'lala and the remaining vindicator... Circling us on their wolves... I tried... I TRIED to stop them... I tried my spells... I killed a good amount with fire and ice before I felt choking, though no hands were at my throat. I had looked out and saw him then... The warlock just laughing as I struggled to breath, Taking his time as he choked me... The vindicator charged him, and left myself and Mi'lala alone. I lost sight of him as he charged, I remember wanting to yell and damn him to the nether myself."
"They came then... They came for us... I... I couldn't defend her... I couldnt do anything. They beat us with their fists and the blunt of their weapons... They had won and our pain was their spoil... They regarded us so little they wouldnt even kill us, they chose to send their WOLVES upon us... They tore through us... The pain will always return whenever I think of that... Their teeth just... Cut through my flesh and gnawed at my bones... The fear kept me awake I think... I didnt want to slip into nothingness."
rubs her face, a tear had slid down while she was writing.
"I don't know how... Perhaps the vindicator had managed to help us as one last act of duty, But I could use my magics again. The choking had stopped and I felt flames... Flames of pain, rage, sorrow, and humiliation. The wolves were on the ground and somehow I was on my feet. I remember the look in the orcs eyes... It... It was FEAR. Those monsters that had killed everyone looked at ME as if I was the demon!"
"... Though they wouldnt for long. I remember the ones that charged me, they fell and screamed in pain. The ones that fled... I put the fires inside of them. They exploded... If I can only remember how I did it... Either way they had been killed. Everything around me was dead and burning... Except Hi'lala."
Takes a breath and steadies her hand before continuing.
"She was... She was as good as dead. Her insides were outside, her arm ripped out and yet... She was alive. I remember her eyes looking at me as she tried to speak. I remember it everytime I colse my eyes... My dear friend dieing because I failed to defend her. I did what was right by all standards... I took her life. I wouldnt let her suffer in that state. There would be no mercy in such a act, so I picked up a blade and I cut her throat deep enough to end her suffering while begging forgivness..."
"All I remember after that was blackness and voices. The voices I were murmers to me... And the blackness... It was sweet. It was the welcomed relief from what happened... I wish it had lasted. The blackness receded eventually, and in its place a world of hell came for me. I saw the orcs everywhere, yes no spell worked. Their wolves tore at my flesh as I screamed silently... And there was the party. All the expedition staring at me, just reciting my blame... If I had picked a different route... If I had listened to the dwarf and camped in the forest for the night... If I had killed the warlock before he had silenced me..."
"I still hear them... I still see the hell. It comes to me shortly after sleep. Every night is the same, potion or not. The darkness comes and whispers comfort to me when I sleep... Then the hell comes for me. I've been experimenting though. I've mixed some drugs from Azeroth together that works in dulling the senses in my dreams... I dont feel the pain or the terror, just a nothingness as it unfurls before me."
Walks off for a moment at Ne'mi's voice, requesting a kiss goodnight, before returning.
"I've been stressing with Ne'mi lately. She has sadly seen what this has been doing. "Mommy why do you scream at night?"... Is there any way to tell a girl that the woman she wishes to grow up to be is afraid of her own dreams? That the needle is to help mommy not feel pain anymore? I can hardly look her in the eyes anymore..."
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Sits happily and scribbles
"I've done it! I've discovered the right drug... When I sleep I dream of nothingness, no hell, no regret, no sorrow... Only peaceful slumber. I've managed to dilute the formula for use when I am awake, allowing for me to relax easier from the pain medication. I have to be careful with the doses as they may put me to sleep..."
Lets out a snicker as she jots down more
"The dosage is a injection though, so I must be careful in public. I know they would chastize me for the use of this drug claiming I need to use my own strengths to over come the nightmares and pain... But they don't have a daughter they train every morning, a job requiring public appearance and for lack of a better word, kiss assing, to keep!
This concotion can give me a joy that I am having trouble with, cares a mile away! Perhaps I could even begin to push it descreatly to the anchorites... They would probably love the concept for suppressing night terrors!"
Smiles to herself as she dips the quil and flips the page.
"I found that with placement of the injection sight I can control the severity of the drug... The base of my neck the most potent, with my wrist the least... Oh with this I won't have to deal with those looks and awkward questions... Lyya noticed yesterday commenting I was acting different... That was before the drug though, I'll have to see what she says today..."
Closes the journal and walks off humming to herself.
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The page is tainted with drops of blood, staining blue streaks across the writing.
"I thought I was helping... I did I swear I did... I... It had never caused hallucinations! It has no hallucinigenic properties... Maybe the sedatives..? No no no no that would have ony caused respetory problems... Why why why!?"
runs her hands over her face spreading the blood over her eyes and nose, even spilling onto her cheeks.
"I was lucky... Lucky the gnomes angered me and I went to check... Might have died from blood loss... I tried I tried to stop the blood... I kept seeing Mi'lala's fear in his eyes... Oh light help me what did I do!? The drug wasnt a hallucinigenic... Kaey hates me. I saw it in her eyes and heard it in her voice... She must know it was my fault."
Rocks with the book slightly on the terrace looking below.
"They must all know... They'll think I did it on purpose... They'll think I wanted to hurt Uncle... Its not fair not fair not fair... Why would I give him any!? Why would I think it alright... I just wanted him to sleep... He needed sleep. Anyone could see it from looking at him! He was pained to stay awake! He needed sleep so he could keep fighting... Its not my fault... Its not my fault..."
Stops rocking as she writes and looks down just staring.
"I wonder what they'll do... How long till they get me? Will they lock my magic away like Rebraal? Will they lock ME up... What abbout Ne'mi!? They could take her back to the orphanage... No no no I can't let them take her back! I promised her a good life! It wouldn't be right they wouldn't do that right!?"
lets the book slide from her lap and close as she stares ahead, her knees pressed to her chest as she mutters quietly to herself "... Its not my fault..."
------------------------------------------------------------Thua sat up in her bed, her hair drapping down in a tangled mess, still sticky with blood. The blood on her hands on face crudely washed off, her bloody sheets balled up and in a corner. She reaches out to pick up a quil, and finds a page less damaged by the stains from the night before.
"... I do not think they know. If they do then they have not made a move to aprehend me. I have been beyond lucky, Elder Zen seemed to think me merely shaken from the events... Not because it was my actions that probably caused it. They will probably figure out the trueth in time if they truely do not know at this moment... I will have to be prepared to answer for my careless actions that almost killed Nikholai."
Runs a hand up to her tired face pinching her nose as she brings her mind into focus.
"... I thank the Prophet Ne'mi was and will be at the Aldor Light school for all of yeserday and today... I cannot imagine the look on her face when I would have walked in. She would have been so frightened by my appearance..."
Reaches out and picks up a cup with a syrupy red liquid, drinking it in one go as she pinched her nose from the bitter taste and smell. She gives a sigh of relief as it starts to lessen her migraine.
"I should recount what happened more accuratly then my paniced scribblings on the last page I think... I had given Nikholai a SMALL dosage of the drug I had concoted yesterday, Letting him lay to sleep and checking in on him occasionally. Something happened though, I do not know how or why but he must have experienced severe hallucinations to claw at his throat enough until he got to the point he was. Nothing on the matter makes sense to me though... The drug harbors ZERO hallucinigenic properties... If anything it lessens or prevents hallucinations."
Shakes her head with a sigh and continues to write.
"Moti had suggested I go and rest after they stabalized Niholai, and I took his advice. I had traveled up to the terrace in the trade district, to the back one commonly used for storage. I tried writing to calm my mind but the evidence of that helping is clearly lacking... I tried to give myself a light injection, and ended up dropping and breaking ninety-nine percent of the vials. I had enough for one dosage at that moment and I was careless. I injected enough to put me to sleep and sat there proped against the boxes asleep."
Runs a hand over bent needles and broken vials in a burlap sack.
"Zen found me then. I think he thought I was simply using drugs the anchorites gave me thankfully, as he asked nothing on the matter except if I was okay. I couldn't go back to sleep as it wears off upon awaking, and I had no further uncontaminated mixtures to use. He kept me company though, I think we talked of demons and orcs... It is hard to recal. I may have even offended him, I'll need to apalgize for that later. I remember walking away and somehow getting back home, probably managing a portal though that is highly unlikely."
Looks over at the sound of a steam whistle, a series of vials begin filling with a light brown liquid. A new batch of her personal drug for future use.
"I was in no condition then to create a new batch and so ended up sleeping without... I had forgotten the nightmares that plagued my dreams, or they had gotten worse, either or. I dreamt of the fight against the Fel Orcs, and finally of having to kill Mi'lala... But this time was different. As I was begining to cut her throat the knife became a large syring, and she changed to Nikholai... I tried to stop... Nothing worked. I just kept digging into his neck with the needle and crying... His eyes were so fear filled... Just like when I was trying to save him in Westfall."
Takes a shaky breath and dips her quil in the ink, resuming writing on a new page.
"... Mi'lala wasn't the only thing to change. The Orcs changed too... They became the order. Standing and watching as I was killing him, crying screams of "Murderer! Demon! Monster! Liar!"... Then the wolf came back from the dead... It turned into Kaeyrah. She howled in rage at me and was ontop of me tearing my flesh away with her hands cursing my very exsistance, Nikholai rose shortly after she began and joined her... The entire time they would yell at me as they tore me to peices; "You promised him! You knew Kaeyrah loved him and you almost killed him! He trusted you and you betrayed him! You say you care for him but you gave him untested drugs! ITS YOUR FAULT!"."
"It would go on for what seemed like days until I was nothing but a skull on the ground. Watching them leave muttering curses of good ridance... Then the flesh would return to me and the circle would start again... I don't know how long it lasted but I woke unable to speak, my throat sore and cheeks flushed with tears..."
Looks at her swimsuit still hung up on her door and sighs.
"... I need to clean up. We have a trip today... If I don't go they may suspect and ask too many questions. I'll have to take a higher dosage though, so as to be able to have the spirit to smile and laugh with them... I hope Zen is there. I need to apologize to him."
She closes the journal and walks to her Bath tub, filling it with water as she hums a low sad tune, watching the water fill the basin.
--------------------------------------------------Thua rises from her bed slowly, her breaths drawn and her head throbing as she walks to the desk and flips the journal open.
"I am happy. Uncle Nikholai appears to have improved greatly, and not shared the details of my involvement in almost fatal experience. Hopefully he will recover further, and my secret shall remain my own."
Sighs and opens a small wooden tube, pulling a filled syring from it. She then injects the contents into the base of her neck before continuing.
"The drug has still shown no hallucinagenic properties to me... But for safety reasons I shall keep its exsistance a mystery. The excuse of herbal remedies seems widely accepted by many who ask. I am thankful I do not need to constantly explain myself to others."
"I had Lyya over the other day... She had been standing outside the city traumatized for Naaru knows how long... Luckily she spoke into her communicator and I was close enough to her to arrive soon. She told me how her family had all died as I gave her some snacks to calm her nerves... So I shared what happened to me in Hellfire... And she gave me eyes of pity. Fel I hate that look in people's eyes when they find out... Looking at me like a crippled child. I don't hate her for it though, she couldn't have known I find such looks annoying."
Rubs her neck as the drug takes further effect, slightly numbing her mind with a sensation of joy.
"Swimming was fun. I stole Lyya's top and bottom, at different points, and made her chase me for them. I had so much laughter that day it was wonderful! I even got to torment Moti, a kind greeting I decided on after so much time apart from my dearest brother... Of course he helped Lyya get me back, and ended that sennanagins with my top being fed to a turtle. Luckily I used that skirt as a top instead, avoiding being COMPLETELY indecent!"
Lets out a giggle fit before putting on her serious face and continuing.
"I've decided to up the dosage of the drug I use during the day... After all whats wrong with a little mood lift?"
Closes the book and stands stretching, her throbbing headache hidden under the drugs effects as she dresses and prepares for her day.
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Thua sits in a buzzing market, writing and sipping a espresso from some gnomes.
"Strange. That is the word I use for these days. No matter who was hurt or how... Things go back to normal in a matter of moments. It is hard to keep up with everything now... Perhaps it is everyone hiding emotions? Strange when I was yelled at for doing so."
closes her journal and watches a interesting scene of a man being "Volunteered" for a kissing booth with a smirk. Resuming writing once he refuses.
"Interesting humans in Shattrath today. Wonder what brought them all here. Oh well, I wish Ne'mi wasn't busy with the anchorites in religious studies today. She would have enjoyed this I think. It is rather-"
Stops writing as a new advertisement is shouted and shuts the book.
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Thua sits at her desk, a towel over her shoulder as she writes.
"Sorry for the worg scratch of a entry the other day. I was distracted by the street peddlers. But perhaps I shall write on what amazing things I found another time... If this was a journal on my purchasing habits... which it is not."
Sighs and shakes her head writing.
"I am out. I thought I had enough for another week... But apparently I over used it during the day... I have enough for sleep tonight but I fear the weeks ahead until I can regather the materials needed. It will be trying times indeed..."
rubs the bridge of her nose.
"To THAT end... I've arranged Ne'mi to take part in a week long trip with the anchorites. She is looking forward to it gleefully. It will be a nice change from the city for her I think. She is rather gifted in magic, though she has no love for architecture. Perhaps she will be only a mage then?"
She goes to close the book but stops, bringing the quill to jot on the bottom of the page;
"... Light help me keep my composure in the coming times of trial. I will need all your blessings."
She closes the book and heads to her bed with new sheets...
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Thua sits in her room, her matters torn off the bed and laying on the wall, a large burn on the center mixed with large burn marks all around it. The sheets lie bundled and set on the patio half burnt. Thua sits at her desk, her night gown hanging above the tub, her only clothing a towel. She reaches out with a shaking hand and picks up the quill, beginning to write.
"I do not know what I should pen here... Everything I have experienced this day was a trial of the nether itself. I almost punched a waitress that got my order wrong in stormwind... And then I almost destroyed Uncle's puzzle box. The smug little bastard of a puzzle box..."
She shakes her head and smacks her forehead.
"That is not the worse of it all... I wet my bed... I wet my bed at a LIGHT DAMNED NIGHTMARE. All my rank, all my accomplishments, all my grace... NOTHING. I piss myself like a scared child in a bad dream! Thank the light no one else shall know..."
"The dream started out.. Peacefully. I was floating in a vast grace of nothingness... Oh light it was wonderful! However it soon ended... And I was thrown onto a rocky shore before a pitch black forest. I lit a fire before me for light... And I looked at the trees, all of them were a pitch black. There was no earthy brown, just a cold metallic black. The light wouldn't even go more then a foot out from me no matter how hot I made it."
"I started to walk forward into the woods. Little creatures would skitter around my feet, also made of the same material as the trees. Their eyes cold and golden, watching me with pity... The walk was not horrible, it lasted a couple minutes at best I would think. Just walking and watching the forest around me, a sort of grim fascination to it all really. I heard it then... A low and dark melody playing from nowhere. It surrounded me and relaxed me, a peaceful slumber I felt I well deserved..."
"though when I went to close my eyes I felt it. I felt the breath on my neck, and the growl of its throat... It reached a claw out and I felt it trace along my neck, a simple line. I heard it as it leaned forward and whispered to me and I recognized the voice; "You hurt me... You hurt me and never showed remorse. I will return the favor, show you what I felt. The pain you gave me..." It was uncles voice."
Shakes her head and sighs softly.
"I turned and I saw him. He had black robes flowing down fom him, and his claws were slick with blood... I ran. I ran as fast as I could... I know I triped a couple times, but I would scamper up and run faster. Eventually my limbs felt heavy and I could barely move them... I knew he was there still, I couldnt see him and I couldnt hear him but he was there... So I kept going, dragging myself through the dirt and roots in a panic."
"I made it to the edge of the water again. I clawed my way onto the beach, the black sand covering me in a thick blanket. I got to the shores end... And I was pulled back. Hands thin yet firm on my ankles dragged me back to the forest. It was Kaeyrah and she was screaming at me... "YOU DID THIS! YOU DID THIS!" She kept screaming as she would hit me. As her blows rained upon me I noticed a figure behind her, bones and fur sticking from his robes, and I reached for him. I reached for my dearest brother to pull me from her grasp."
Wipes a stray tear from her cheek as she calms her breath.
"He batted my hand away and didn't try to hurt... But he simply looked down at me and called me a monster, then turned and left. Kaeyrah went with him still screaming at me, and I lay alone once more, my bones broken and flesh beaten on the cold floor of this dark forest. I knew I couldn't stay there, Uncle would come soon for his vengeance. So I crawled, I crawled to the shore again. The order watched me crawl and laughed and berated me... Light they knew, they ALL knew... They knew what I did in hellfire and what I did to Uncle and they hated me for it."
"They didn't try to stop me and I reached the waters edge with much effort. I turned back to see uncle slowly walking and sharpening his claws, a dark grin on his lips as he watched me. I took all my energy and pulled myself into the black waters, choking as I sank this time. No comfort was there for me, the music a herald of my demise on the shore. Uncle stood at the edge and grinned, "You can sink into the sweet nothingness child... But you will return to the truth and the nightmares soon enough... And I will be waiting..." I remember his laugh as my vision went dark..."
takes a large drink from a glass next to her on the desk, almost chugging the weak medication.
"I woke up shortly after. Finding I had burnt my damn bed... I plan to burn them all and replace them with new sheets again. Tonight I will simply sleep on the couch... If I can."
Looks at the bottom of the page and scratches out a sentence quickly;
"... My greatest curse is my memory. I wish to cast all I have seen and heard into the darkness. For I have no use of it in this hell."
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Thua sat at her desk in a light white robe. Her hair tied back into a pony tail, and two ivory cloth bands across her wrists. Her face was tired and apathetic as she reached down into her bags and pulled out the blue journal, setting it on her desk and flipping it open as she began to write;
"Its been too long. I've not written in sometime due to how I have felt... Selfish in a way I suppose. I guess I should at least record the highlights of my time now, so as to not risk forgetting details later."
She reached across the desk and picked up a glass of water, taking a sip before setting it down.
"I confessed to the grand anchorite about giving Nikholai the drug. To my surprise he never told Kaey, much to my relief. I have been fighting this addiction and it has been... Painfull to say the least. Every day I so not use I feel as if a piece of my mind is being ripped away, though I assume I should have expected such."
"Ne'mi is back with me and luckily she has not taken too much notice. Simply understanding that I am rather sick lately. She does such sweet things for me... The other day she brought me some bread and asked me to toast it so she could give me breakfast in bed. I am truely blessed with her."
"Aside some rather annoying headaches and a mild violent temper one day, I have nothing else to document. I think it may finaly be okay for me to head back... I wonder if the order missed me?"
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Thua sits in the crystal hall, leaning against a large spectral wolf, who under normal circumstances would be a Draenei male, her quil moving quickly as she talks with him.
"Dear diary... How long has it been? Almost... What? Four, five months since I last wrote in you? Far too long... I believe I am the sole person to blame for that. I've held you only as a bitter reminder instead of a journal. I have much to tell you of my life these days... It may take just a FEW pages."
She stops writing for a moment to converse with the shaman, a wide grin on her face as she resumes writing.
"I went through hell journal. I went through a worse hell then the incident with Nikholai. I had ruined life for Ne'mi, I had shattered all reputation, all moral standing, all beliefs of myself being on the "High ground" in one swift move. It was unbearable, but I kept on. So I sit here today with my lover, and I write in you. I write in you to symbolize that I am done with my past, and am focusing solely upon the future."
Her ears perk and she exchanges a few more words before returning to her writing.
"... I am no longer a certified mage. I lost that title when I lost Ne'mi. I became a mercenary, guarding convoys and fighting in skirmishes. Living only as long as my skill will let me, no certainty of a good meal, no warm bed inside of a house on the Rise to await me. Yet strangely I am... Happy. I am the happiest I have ever been. It feels like for the first time I am living only for myself, not attempting to live how others want me to."
Thua turns her head at a short exchange, letting out a loud and happy laugh before resuming, a warm smile upon her lips.
"I found someone for me. His name is Relekar, a shaman I met while traveling awhile back. I had intended it to be a one time deal but when we met in the exodar and talked for awhile... I fell for him. He is kind, carring, and supportive, not to mention not to hard on the eyes."
She converses with him a moment, moving to rub her cheek upon his own before leaning back to write.
"... Sibylla is making him stay as a wolf for a week. Not sure how happy I am about that but I will live I suppose. Also Uncle and Kaeyrah are... Disputing? I do not know if that is the right term. Still they are working it out I believe. I must keep a eye out for a mind healer for uncle since Vorkhan is gone aparantly... Another tidbit of news I was not told. Also Rebraal is dead. It did not sting as hard as I thought it would... I suppose I suspected someone would kill him. He had his reasons for forcing Nelua's hand and I shall not pass judgement. Still I will miss him as a brother... Speaking of brothers I must check on Moti and my nephew Amir..."
She glances as a newcomer approaches. She smiles and welcomes Riran as he sits before continuing to write.
"I look forward to the future journal. I really do. I can only forsee amazing things to come... Of course that is a lie. But I will not be phased by the misfortune because I have went through hell... I cannot face worse. Besides... Rel is by my side."
She reaches over and hugs the shaman, closing the book with her knees and setting it to the side.
